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#Post#: 43862--------------------------------------------------
Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle with le
ast blowback.
By: Despedina Date: December 16, 2019, 4:52 pm
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My husband has 2 brothers. He's closest to the middle child, who
is 2 yrs younger than him. Dealing with this brother (Ned) can
be challenging but we've all had a good relationship over the
years, (I've known him for almost 20 years). Recently in the
last year or so, Ned is ever more testy and difficult to be
around. DH and I have tolerated his sometimes bad attitude as he
seems to have an increasingly strained relationship with his
wife who never seems to want to spend much time with him and we
think this is where his bad attitude is coming from but we're
not sure. DH and I live about an hour north of where Ned and my
MIL live. We go down often on the weekends to help out on the
property which is something we enjoy doing along with spending
time with MIL and my kids like to spend time with Ned's son (my
nephew). Ned often spends his time at his mom's while we are
there which is usually more than half a day.
Ned has become more and more argumentative about EVERYTHING. For
example, MIL will ask me how work is going and I will talk about
new federal regulation coming into effect and Ned will sit there
and argue with me about it. He does not work in my industry
(moving) just knows truckers who come to the shop he owns for
tires and repairs so tells me I don't know what I'm talking
about. I literally have told him this is my job and I live it
every day and he is mistaken. He usually won't let it go and we
all have to change the subject. This will happen over and over
again with any subject. Also he snaps at me when I try to ask
basic questions. Not long ago I asked him if he had an extension
cord. I didn't even get the full question out and he hollars at
me that he doesn't F'n know. In these cases MIL and my DH
won't tell him to calm down or anything because they say it will
just make it worse. So we all sit there as if we're held hostage
by Ned and his rants about all subjects. He also has this
preference of passing gas loudly in the room right in front of
us with no effort to excuse himself. I feel this is part of his
aggression. This weekend it came to a head for me because
Ned's wife texted me about the upcoming holiday which we are
hosting at our house on the 21st (other BIL, Alex lives 45 north
of us so we thought this would be a good compromise for location
this time). She wanted to confirm the date. I was a little
confused since Ned and DH had spoken at length and I was also in
the middle of something. I sent a quick voice to text back that
Ned and DH had spoken about it and its the 21st. Apparently she
took it as me being rude to her and she called and yelled at
Ned, and then Ned called and yelled at DH. DH said nothing and
my feelings were a little hurt that as usual DH didn't stop Ned
from being angry Ned and ranting about me and some imagined
slight . DH and I had a long conversation about it and decided
we cannot let Ned speak to us like this anymore. Someone once
said you show people how you want to be treated (or something
like that). Everyone has so far been afraid to say anything to
him and is hoping this phase of his life passes quickly. Any
tips on how to respond when Ned acts like this? We really don't
want to stop visiting MIL (and DH is afraid to alienate Ned) and
also if he's in my house acting like this I won't be able to
stay silent anyway.
#Post#: 43864--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle wit
h least blowback.
By: Gellchom Date: December 16, 2019, 4:59 pm
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Wow. This is sad. I feel sorry for the whole family.
This sounds like a situation in which you are not ever going to
get Ned to change. It sounds like it's just all his own issues,
not anything between him and anyone else. All you can do is
find strategies -- you'll need several -- for keeping yourself
calm and sane.
Wine? :) And promise yourself a treat after every Ned visit.
Good luck. I hope Ned sorts himself out at some point.
#Post#: 43866--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle wit
h least blowback.
By: lakey Date: December 16, 2019, 6:23 pm
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[quote]All you can do is find strategies -- you'll need several
-- for keeping yourself calm and sane. [/quote]
Maybe some of the times you can find a reason to go to another
room.
Or, I wonder what would happen if, when he snaps, everyone just
stopped talking and looked shocked.
#Post#: 43872--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle wit
h least blowback.
By: Dazi Date: December 16, 2019, 8:53 pm
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While I can't diagnosis anyone, Ned's behavior is consistent
with being depressed. It's not unusual for men, especially men
over 40, to lash out and express anger over the smallest things,
which is quite different from how women typically manifest
symptoms. It can be extremely frustrating to deal with this type
of behavior.
#Post#: 43881--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle wit
h least blowback.
By: Runningstar Date: December 17, 2019, 8:22 am
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I would take a break from going. If you feel that your child is
safe then send him along with just your husband for a while.
This isn't giving in to the bil, or punishing anyone, it is to
take some time to reflect on what is going on.
#Post#: 43882--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle wit
h least blowback.
By: Runningstar Date: December 17, 2019, 8:28 am
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Forgot to add my opinion about having bil at your home, I'd
weigh the pros and cons of cancelling/changing and go from
there. I'd like to be so bold as to put a con right out there
for you - it is harmful for your child to observe you being
mistreated like this.
#Post#: 43885--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle wit
h least blowback.
By: Hmmm Date: December 17, 2019, 9:04 am
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I'm sorry your going through this. It sounds very stressful.
For the holiday you are hosting, my best advice is to not
engage. Ignore his behavior like you'd try to ignore a friends
toddler throwing a tantrum. Ned wants everyone else to be angry
and irritated like he is. He knows your buttons and is actively
pushing them. Refuse to acknowledge any of his comments. The
easiest is to just ignore and pretend he didn't speak.
I'd also see if your DH is willing to call him up and tell him
that he doesn't know what is going on with him but he has
noticed that he is yelling and behaving poorly and that at the
holiday visit, that behavior will not be tolerated. And if he
doesn't think he can attend and ask nice, it would be best for
him to not join you guys.
I'll admit that I would probably have already moved onto PA
behavior when dealing with him. I know that PA behavior is
normally frowned upon but honestly, when you are dealing with
someone who does not accept standard social behaviors, at times
it is the best approach in my opinion. Your not escalating to a
verbal argument, but trying to shut down the behavior for
everyone else's benefit.
Ned makes a nasty remark or passes gas.
You cut your eyes toward him, but do not turn your head, look
for 2 seconds and then look away to someone else to whom you
were speaking. If Ned challenges with a "what was that look" a
'I don't know what you mean' and turn to MIL with a "can I get
you more coffee"? But you need your DH completely on board
because if he starts getting out of control, your DH needs to be
prepared to tell him he needs to leave and yelling at his wife
or any other family member in his home will not be tolerated.
I had a co-worker years ago who acted this way toward me
specifically. I seemed to be the easiest target for his anger. I
created the personal mantra of "it's not worth my energy to
argue with children or idiots and he is an idiot." Don't let Ned
get into your head and raise your blood pressure. He is not
worth it.
#Post#: 43888--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle wit
h least blowback.
By: Despedina Date: December 17, 2019, 9:28 am
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This is all good advice so thank you. I'm not the only one he
vents at, I just seem to be the least likely to be ok with it.
Although his issues seem to stem with his wife he does not argue
with her at all in front of the rest of us. Which is strange
because he'll argue with everyone and anyone else.
To the poster who mentioned he may be depressed, I think he may
be. He has admitted to being on "happy pills" (his words not
mine). I was a little surprised because there doesn't seem to be
improvement in his mood, only the opposite.
#Post#: 43889--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle wit
h least blowback.
By: Bada Date: December 17, 2019, 9:39 am
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What would happen if you said "I don't like being yelled at" and
left the room? Would the rest agree and follow you, leaving BIL
alone to have no one to rant to?
It can take a while to find the anti-depressant that works for a
person and in the right dose. So maybe he is working on his
anger issues? One can only hope.
#Post#: 43900--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration with rude family member - best way to handle wit
h least blowback.
By: TootsNYC Date: December 17, 2019, 11:38 am
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I agree with Dani—this is a symptom of great unhappiness.
Whether it’s medically depression or just being generally
unhappy, that’s what it is.
As a sibling, I’d be more worried than angry. (And since I’d be
angry, that tells you how worried I’d be.)
I’d be asking DH to call Ned and say, “You’ve been really angry
and yelling at people, and it’s really, really unpleasant on the
receiving end of it. Are you OK? What’s up? Are you and Carol
OK, or how’s work, money, what?
“Can you find someone to talk to about this? I hate to see
you so unhappy. Sometimes we can’t fix the things that make us
unhappy, but we can find ways to cope, either logistically or
emotionally.
“And my dearest brother, we NEED you to find a way to
communicate that isn’t this rude and this unpleasant. On this
holiday, we need you to be polite. I’m not going to sit quietly
by and let you create all this unpleasant tension. I’ll take you
out for a walk or something to help you cope, but if you won’t
take the hint, we’re going to send you home.
“I’m sorry it’s come to this—I worry about you a lot. But I
can’t let you turn Christmas in my home into an unpleasant
gathering full of Ned yelling at people and farting in the
living room. Capiche?”
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