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#Post#: 43930--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Lkdrymom Date: December 17, 2019, 5:03 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1445.msg43884#msg43884
date=1576593766]
[quote author=caroled link=topic=1445.msg43871#msg43871
date=1576547539]
I'm curious as to what will happen once you all, except Sue, do
actually retire...If she can't bear to even hear about your
future plans, will she be able to actually spend time with you
all without feeling or exhibiting some resentments? Might be
something to discuss with her privately if the topic comes up
again. if she can't sit in on the conversations now, how does
she plan to cope when you others are living your retirements and
she's not? Will the friendship just end if she can't handle it ?
[/quote]
That is a really good point. Maybe that is what I'll ask Sue. If
she plans to dump each of us when we retire because it will
depress her to know that we weren't getting up on Monday morning
and heading to work."
[/quote]
I was going to ask the same thing. How would Sue feel if she
wanted to show you grand baby pictures and you shut her down
because you didn't have any grand babies yet so didn't want to
talk about it? I think she is being utterly childish. My
assistant at work is 69 and has no idea when she will be able to
retire. I am 52 and my goal is to be retired at 55. I worked 35
years to attain that and I would be pretty offended if someone
had the nerve to try and make me feel bad for planning ahead for
my future when they did not. My assistant has never tried to
make me feel bad because my choices will allow me to retire
early when she cannot.
#Post#: 43933--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Winterlight Date: December 17, 2019, 6:43 pm
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[quote author=Victoria link=topic=1445.msg43821#msg43821
date=1576512470]
I agree with PVZFan with the added nuance that the circumstances
in which you're bringing it up make a difference. A happy hour
with a small group of friends is a little different than a
larger hiking group where conversation is dynamic and
groupings/topics are constantly shifting around. It would be
kind not to make Sue a "captive audience" too much when there's
only a few of you and she can't escape or easily bring up
something else, but it's her burden in a larger group and a
group where you're not in fixed positions to mingle with people
who may be talking about something more palatable. I would also
add that in any event Sue shouldn't be attempting to change the
subject by bashing what you choose to talk about and being
dismissive of your choices. I can't imagine rolling my eyes and
saying "Ugh, I hate kids. Let's talk about something else" if
someone was trying to show me some baby photos!
[/quote]
Agreed. I would table this conversation at happy hour for now,
but I think Sue should have walked away and joined another
group/tuned out on the hike.
#Post#: 43942--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Star Wars Fan Date: December 17, 2019, 11:51 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1445.msg43812#msg43812
date=1576506616]
About 2 weeks ago, Sue, Kay and I were at a happy hour with
friends, all in our late to mid 50s', and retirement planning
came up and Sue interjected in the conversation that could we
not discuss our retirement planning because we all know she'll
be working past 70 and it depresses her. We all laughed and
changed the subject. Sue chose, not forced, to change career
paths in her late 40's and with the cost of the second degree
and living off savings during her back to school years, she will
have to work longer than most of us.
Sue, Kay and I attended a group hike on Sunday with about 10
other people, most of us in a similar age group. There was one
couple I had not met and we got to hiking and chatting together
while Sue and Kay were walking in front of us in a different
conversation. This couple was semi-retired and were living a
lifestyle I was considering for retirement. We were deep in
discussion about their experiences and pros and cons when Sue
fell back into our smaller group, listened for a bit and
remarked "Oh geez, is retirement the only thing you talk about
now?" This made the other couple uncomfortable and shut down the
conversation but I just said "well, it seems Sue thinks I have a
one track mind" and changed the subject to travel to places I
knew Sue had been.
But I was annoyed. I was getting good information from this
couple. At the end of the hike, the wife and I exchanged contact
information and I explained that Sue was a little touchy about
the subject. Wife said her and her husband have experienced the
reaction before, especially since they retired younger than
most. She remarked it was like back in the days when her
child-less friends complained if she brought up her children. It
hit me then that was exactly the way Sue had been reacting at
this, the previous and a few more times when the topic came up.
I want to say something to Sue. I'm thinking along the lines of
"Sue, I understand you are disappointed that you won't be
retiring in the same timeframe as some of your peers. But it
bothers me that you shut down any conversation about it when you
are around. Can you try to at least pretend to be interested or
if not excuse yourself to a different group if you really don't
like the conversation? I don't think it is fair to the rest of
us to be on eggshells around you about this topic."
Or should I be more sensitive and make sure to not bring up the
subject when she is around? In my mind, Sue made a choice she
was well aware would change her path in life. Should our
conversations be stymied because of her choice?
[/quote]
No I like your wording, sometimes you have to be blunt with
people like that. I'd probably be even more blunt. Something
along the lines of I'm sorry Sue that you won't get to enjoy
retirement when most of us do but your life decisions don't mean
you get to dictate to other people what they can or can't talk
about. You can ignore us or go somewhere else so you won't hear
our discussion but you don't get to tell me what I can converse
about. And also, personally I'd be distancing myself from
somebody who acted like that.
Ed.
#Post#: 43951--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Soop Date: December 18, 2019, 7:31 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Lkdrymom link=topic=1445.msg43930#msg43930
date=1576623794]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1445.msg43884#msg43884
date=1576593766]
[quote author=caroled link=topic=1445.msg43871#msg43871
date=1576547539]
I'm curious as to what will happen once you all, except Sue, do
actually retire...If she can't bear to even hear about your
future plans, will she be able to actually spend time with you
all without feeling or exhibiting some resentments? Might be
something to discuss with her privately if the topic comes up
again. if she can't sit in on the conversations now, how does
she plan to cope when you others are living your retirements and
she's not? Will the friendship just end if she can't handle it ?
[/quote]
That is a really good point. Maybe that is what I'll ask Sue. If
she plans to dump each of us when we retire because it will
depress her to know that we weren't getting up on Monday morning
and heading to work."
[/quote]
I was going to ask the same thing. How would Sue feel if she
wanted to show you grand baby pictures and you shut her down
because you didn't have any grand babies yet so didn't want to
talk about it? I think she is being utterly childish. My
assistant at work is 69 and has no idea when she will be able to
retire. I am 52 and my goal is to be retired at 55. I worked 35
years to attain that and I would be pretty offended if someone
had the nerve to try and make me feel bad for planning ahead for
my future when they did not. My assistant has never tried to
make me feel bad because my choices will allow me to retire
early when she cannot.
[/quote]
I have made some choices in my life that mean I will work longer
than I would like, don't have the money to buy a house, etc,
etc. We have various friends who either through different
choices or good fortune (i.e. family $$) are much better off
than us. Admitedly, I sometimes feel a bit of the green monster
of envy, but that's on ME. We still socialize with them, talk
about their vacations, house stuff, etc.
I would never try and make them feel bad that they have had
different experiences in life. They are not deliberately trying
and make us feel bad that we don't have as much money as they
do. If fact, they may not be aware of how much of a difference
there is, because we don't make a big deal about it.
#Post#: 44132--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: December 21, 2019, 6:28 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Several things occurred to me when reading this, all of which
other people have brought up:
What is she going to do when her friends actually start to
retire? I'm retired, and I don't talk about it all the time, but
I would hate to think that a major aspect of my life is
completely off limits.
It's one thing in a small group to exclude a person who can
contribute nothing to the discussion, but Sue was out of line to
drop in on a sub-discussion and shut it down.
#Post#: 44144--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Raintree Date: December 22, 2019, 1:34 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1445.msg43812#msg43812
date=1576506616]
Wife said her and her husband have experienced the reaction
before, especially since they retired younger than most. She
remarked it was like back in the days when her child-less
friends complained if she brought up her children.
[/quote]
Kind of like what the child-less people experience when they
mention doing anything fun on a weekend that doesn't involve
diapers, or if they mention being tired at all. "Oh, you have NO
idea what tired is, since you don't have children like me."
I have to say, people should be able to talk freely about what's
going on in their lives, whether it's retirement or children or
non-child activities, with some sensitivity to their captive
audiences, so, for example, don't gush about your pregnant belly
in front of that friend who is trying to conceive and can't,
don't brag about your expensive vacations too much in front of
that friend who just got laid off. In a group situation where
people kind of rotate who they are talking to, such as in a
group hike though, it's kind of rude to break in and ask people
to stop talking about whatever they were discussing before you
broke in.
#Post#: 44211--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Kimberami Date: December 23, 2019, 10:09 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Raintree link=topic=1445.msg44144#msg44144
date=1577000045]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1445.msg43812#msg43812
date=1576506616]
Wife said her and her husband have experienced the reaction
before, especially since they retired younger than most. She
remarked it was like back in the days when her child-less
friends complained if she brought up her children.
[/quote]
Kind of like what the child-less people experience when they
mention doing anything fun on a weekend that doesn't involve
diapers, or if they mention being tired at all. "Oh, you have NO
idea what tired is, since you don't have children like me."
I have to say, people should be able to talk freely about what's
going on in their lives, whether it's retirement or children or
non-child activities, with some sensitivity to their captive
audiences, so, for example, don't gush about your pregnant belly
in front of that friend who is trying to conceive and can't,
don't brag about your expensive vacations too much in front of
that friend who just got laid off. In a group situation where
people kind of rotate who they are talking to, such as in a
group hike though, it's kind of rude to break in and ask people
to stop talking about whatever they were discussing before you
broke in.
[/quote]
This.
Differing life experiences is one of the reasons why people
drift apart. It is just inevitable. I would be irritated if I
was supposed to pretend that retirement didn't exist because one
friend wasn't going to retire at the same time as everyone else.
Again, that doesn't mean that it would be right to rub her nose
in it, but the topic is going to come up.
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