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#Post#: 43871--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: caroled Date: December 16, 2019, 7:52 pm
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I'm curious as to what will happen once you all, except Sue, do
actually retire...If she can't bear to even hear about your
future plans, will she be able to actually spend time with you
all without feeling or exhibiting some resentments? Might be
something to discuss with her privately if the topic comes up
again. if she can't sit in on the conversations now, how does
she plan to cope when you others are living your retirements and
she's not? Will the friendship just end if she can't handle it ?
.
#Post#: 43877--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Judecat Date: December 17, 2019, 6:55 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Lula link=topic=1445.msg43846#msg43846
date=1576527175]
I agree with Rose Red. Knowingly, needlessly putting someone in
a painful situation from which they have no socially graceful
escape is cruel.
[/quote]
So when it comes time for other's to retire, do they have to
pretend to still be employed, no longer discuss their day, just
so they don't upset Sue. Or should they stay at work until Sue
can retire in order not to be cruel.
#Post#: 43878--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Rose Red Date: December 17, 2019, 7:16 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Judecat link=topic=1445.msg43877#msg43877
date=1576587307]
[quote author=Lula link=topic=1445.msg43846#msg43846
date=1576527175]
I agree with Rose Red. Knowingly, needlessly putting someone in
a painful situation from which they have no socially graceful
escape is cruel.
[/quote]
So when it comes time for other's to retire, do they have to
pretend to still be employed, no longer discuss their day, just
so they don't upset Sue. Or should they stay at work until Sue
can retire in order not to be cruel.
[/quote]
Why does everything have to be so extreme around here?
You take it one day at a time. Sue is not ready to hear about
retirement now. That may change. Shouldn't we try to be kind if
at all possible?
Sue shouldn't try to control conversation in larger groups and
the OP should talk to her about it if she wishes, especially
because Sue horned in on a private conversation. But once
everyone retires, one can talk about their day (or movies, food,
families, vacation) without using the word "retirement."
Sue may never be ready but if she can't handle it, she may find
herself not invited to outings. But her friends can cross that
bridge when they come to it.
#Post#: 43883--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Hmmm Date: December 17, 2019, 8:41 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1445.msg43878#msg43878
date=1576588562]
[quote author=Judecat link=topic=1445.msg43877#msg43877
date=1576587307]
[quote author=Lula link=topic=1445.msg43846#msg43846
date=1576527175]
I agree with Rose Red. Knowingly, needlessly putting someone in
a painful situation from which they have no socially graceful
escape is cruel.
[/quote]
So when it comes time for other's to retire, do they have to
pretend to still be employed, no longer discuss their day, just
so they don't upset Sue. Or should they stay at work until Sue
can retire in order not to be cruel.
[/quote]
Why does everything have to be so extreme around here?
You take it one day at a time. Sue is not ready to hear about
retirement now. That may change. Shouldn't we try to be kind if
at all possible?
Sue shouldn't try to control conversation in larger groups and
the OP should talk to her about it if she wishes, especially
because Sue horned in on a private conversation. But once
everyone retires, one can talk about their day (or movies, food,
families, vacation) without using the word "retirement."
Sue may never be ready but if she can't handle it, she may find
herself not invited to outings. But her friends can cross that
bridge when they come to it.
[/quote]
I'm really bothered by the characterization of us talking about
retirement as creating a "painful" experience for Sue. Sue said
it depresses her to hear our plans but I don't think it's an
actual depression. As I said, she really loves her new job and,
as I said, we laughed about her remark.
I think there are always things that we are disappointed about.
For me, what I really want to say to her is "grow up, realize
we all have different paths in our lives, and take an interest
in your friends. We all listened to you while you were making a
decision about a career change and back to school. And many of
us would have loved to chuck your current careers and move to
something else new, but we made a decision to stick out with
what we were doing. We never told you to shut up because it
depressed us to think we had another 15 years in the same field
we'd been working in for the last 20."
#Post#: 43884--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Hmmm Date: December 17, 2019, 8:42 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=caroled link=topic=1445.msg43871#msg43871
date=1576547539]
I'm curious as to what will happen once you all, except Sue, do
actually retire...If she can't bear to even hear about your
future plans, will she be able to actually spend time with you
all without feeling or exhibiting some resentments? Might be
something to discuss with her privately if the topic comes up
again. if she can't sit in on the conversations now, how does
she plan to cope when you others are living your retirements and
she's not? Will the friendship just end if she can't handle it ?
[/quote]
That is a really good point. Maybe that is what I'll ask Sue. If
she plans to dump each of us when we retire because it will
depress her to know that we weren't getting up on Monday morning
and heading to work."
#Post#: 43909--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Kimberami Date: December 17, 2019, 12:24 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1445.msg43883#msg43883
date=1576593683]
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1445.msg43878#msg43878
date=1576588562]
[quote author=Judecat link=topic=1445.msg43877#msg43877
date=1576587307]
[quote author=Lula link=topic=1445.msg43846#msg43846
date=1576527175]
I agree with Rose Red. Knowingly, needlessly putting someone in
a painful situation from which they have no socially graceful
escape is cruel.
[/quote]
So when it comes time for other's to retire, do they have to
pretend to still be employed, no longer discuss their day, just
so they don't upset Sue. Or should they stay at work until Sue
can retire in order not to be cruel.
[/quote]
Why does everything have to be so extreme around here?
You take it one day at a time. Sue is not ready to hear about
retirement now. That may change. Shouldn't we try to be kind if
at all possible?
Sue shouldn't try to control conversation in larger groups and
the OP should talk to her about it if she wishes, especially
because Sue horned in on a private conversation. But once
everyone retires, one can talk about their day (or movies, food,
families, vacation) without using the word "retirement."
Sue may never be ready but if she can't handle it, she may find
herself not invited to outings. But her friends can cross that
bridge when they come to it.
[/quote]
I'm really bothered by the characterization of us talking about
retirement as creating a "painful" experience for Sue. Sue said
it depresses her to hear our plans but I don't think it's an
actual depression. As I said, she really loves her new job and,
as I said, we laughed about her remark.
I think there are always things that we are disappointed about.
For me, what I really want to say to her is "grow up, realize
we all have different paths in our lives, and take an interest
in your friends. We all listened to you while you were making a
decision about a career change and back to school. And many of
us would have loved to chuck your current careers and move to
something else new, but we made a decision to stick out with
what we were doing. We never told you to shut up because it
depressed us to think we had another 15 years in the same field
we'd been working in for the last 20."
[/quote]
Everyone's life looks different. Sue exchanged earlier
retirement for more job fulfillment. It's on her to deal with
that now. When an entire social circle is moving towards a new
life station, that station going to be the topic of
conversation. I'm assuming that no one is rubbing Sue's nose in
the fact that she'll still be working. It is unrealistic to
think that no one is ever going to bring up the topic in
passing.
#Post#: 43910--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: QueenFaninCA Date: December 17, 2019, 12:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1445.msg43812#msg43812
date=1576506616]
Sue, Kay and I attended a group hike on Sunday with about 10
other people, most of us in a similar age group. There was one
couple I had not met and we got to hiking and chatting together
while Sue and Kay were walking in front of us in a different
conversation. This couple was semi-retired and were living a
lifestyle I was considering for retirement. We were deep in
discussion about their experiences and pros and cons when Sue
fell back into our smaller group, listened for a bit and
remarked "Oh geez, is retirement the only thing you talk about
now?" This made the other couple uncomfortable and shut down the
conversation but I just said "well, it seems Sue thinks I have a
one track mind" and changed the subject to travel to places I
knew Sue had been.
[/quote]
This really stands out at me. All Sue needed to do was join
other people within the larger group. I don't think it is fair
to insert yourself into a conversation and shut down the subject
currently under discussion.
I would take her aside and let her know that I do not appreciate
that kind of behavior. If she doesn't want to hear about
retirement plans, she should hang out with people that are as
far from retirement as she is, not around people that are
nearing it and want to discuss plans with like-minded friends.
#Post#: 43912--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: Hanna Date: December 17, 2019, 12:54 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=1445.msg43910#msg43910
date=1576607785]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1445.msg43812#msg43812
date=1576506616]
Sue, Kay and I attended a group hike on Sunday with about 10
other people, most of us in a similar age group. There was one
couple I had not met and we got to hiking and chatting together
while Sue and Kay were walking in front of us in a different
conversation. This couple was semi-retired and were living a
lifestyle I was considering for retirement. We were deep in
discussion about their experiences and pros and cons when Sue
fell back into our smaller group, listened for a bit and
remarked "Oh geez, is retirement the only thing you talk about
now?" This made the other couple uncomfortable and shut down the
conversation but I just said "well, it seems Sue thinks I have a
one track mind" and changed the subject to travel to places I
knew Sue had been.
[/quote]
This really stands out at me. All Sue needed to do was join
other people within the larger group. I don't think it is fair
to insert yourself into a conversation and shut down the subject
currently under discussion.
I would take her aside and let her know that I do not appreciate
that kind of behavior. If she doesn't want to hear about
retirement plans, she should hang out with people that are as
far from retirement as she is, not around people that are
nearing it and want to discuss plans with like-minded friends.
[/quote]
Me too. It's one thing to mention an aversion to a subject when
it first comes up at a table where everyone is talking together.
Different entirely to join a group then tell them they have to
change their topic because "I'm here now!"
I would gladly avoid bringing up the topic when Sue is there.
But also would probably preempt if she joins a discussion that's
already in progress "Sue, you aren't going to want to join us
right now because we are talking about retirement."
#Post#: 43913--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: sandisadie Date: December 17, 2019, 1:19 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
When my late husband and I were in our mid and late 40s we lived
in a community of mostly retired people, in South Florida. I
actually loved living there and made many friends there. We
both worked every day but most everyone else didn't. I
thoroughly enjoyed listening to everyone talking about their
activities and we got to join in many of them too. I learned a
lot about what it is like to be retired and have applied that
knowledge now that I'm retired. Shutting down conversation
about this subject sounds like sour grapes to me, and I think it
puts her in a bad light.
#Post#: 43915--------------------------------------------------
Re: But I want to talk about it!
By: BeagleMommy Date: December 17, 2019, 2:12 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Hmmm, if I understand correctly, during the hike you were in
conversation with two people and Sue was walking ahead with
another group. Is this correct?
If so, when she fell back toward your group she fell into a
conversation that was already in full swing. She could have
listened politely until the conversation finished or she could
have moved forward to rejoin the other group. She should not
have made a comment about all you talk about is retirement
because she isn't ready to retire.
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