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#Post#: 42966--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: MinMom3 Date: December 2, 2019, 10:39 am
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Once all my husbands siblings had moved out and away, and most
of them moved at least an hours travel, and one landed on the
opposite coast... Once that happened, when someone came home
for a visit or a holiday, and DARED to visit others outside the
house, MIL got extremely huffy. It took several years before
she was able to resign herself to the fact that they weren't
going to sit around the kitchen table with her and only her,
chewing the fat and eating food, and watching movies. She did
get over it, but there were some extremely hurt feelings before
she did.
#Post#: 43015--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: Lkdrymom Date: December 2, 2019, 3:39 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1418.msg42953#msg42953
date=1575296392]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1418.msg42873#msg42873
date=1575109872]
[quote]It would appear Mom is more interested in the food being
served at the family gathering than spending time with the
family.[/quote]
I don't think that's entirely fair. Many people feel that the
ceremonial / ritual aspect of Christmas Dinner is important,
often to the extent of getting hung up on quite minor details
("How can you have Christmas dinner without Brussels sprouts?"
"It's not Christmas dinner unless you pull crackers and WEAR the
paper hats!"). If Mom is one of them, it's possible that she
really feels that the cousins are, essentially, sweeping
Christmas under the carpet and hosting a housewarming instead.
[/quote]
But that is exactly what I meant. Mom was more concerned about
the details of Christmas meal than the celebration aspect of
being together as a family.
I find it unfortunate when one generation is unwilling to allow
a different generation set a new style of celebrating. Mom's had
at least 50 years of celebrating her preferred way.
Even if the brunch was being served at 10am, that would still
mean the OP and her mother would need to leave by 11:30 at the
latest to get home to welcome guests at 1pm for a big lunch. To
me, it was unfair of Mom to make that decision without
consulting her visiting daughter on whether she wanted such a
rushed and busy Christmas morning.
[/quote]
I have to agree...why couldn't she have been satisfied with just
going to the brunch? Now the OP is in the awkward position of
wanting to visit with relatives but feeling obligated to attend
mom's lunch. My vote is to spend an hour with mom then go on to
the cousin gathering. Now any bets mom will try to keep OP at
her luncheon?
#Post#: 43026--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: TootsNYC Date: December 2, 2019, 5:10 pm
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[quote]Now any bets mom will try to keep OP at her
luncheon?[/quote]
That's exactly why I'd go over to the cousin's right away, and
home to Mom for dessert.
#Post#: 43079--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: Jem Date: December 3, 2019, 10:56 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Lkdrymom link=topic=1418.msg43015#msg43015
date=1575322780]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1418.msg42953#msg42953
date=1575296392]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1418.msg42873#msg42873
date=1575109872]
[quote]It would appear Mom is more interested in the food being
served at the family gathering than spending time with the
family.[/quote]
I don't think that's entirely fair. Many people feel that the
ceremonial / ritual aspect of Christmas Dinner is important,
often to the extent of getting hung up on quite minor details
("How can you have Christmas dinner without Brussels sprouts?"
"It's not Christmas dinner unless you pull crackers and WEAR the
paper hats!"). If Mom is one of them, it's possible that she
really feels that the cousins are, essentially, sweeping
Christmas under the carpet and hosting a housewarming instead.
[/quote]
But that is exactly what I meant. Mom was more concerned about
the details of Christmas meal than the celebration aspect of
being together as a family.
I find it unfortunate when one generation is unwilling to allow
a different generation set a new style of celebrating. Mom's had
at least 50 years of celebrating her preferred way.
Even if the brunch was being served at 10am, that would still
mean the OP and her mother would need to leave by 11:30 at the
latest to get home to welcome guests at 1pm for a big lunch. To
me, it was unfair of Mom to make that decision without
consulting her visiting daughter on whether she wanted such a
rushed and busy Christmas morning.
[/quote]
I have to agree...why couldn't she have been satisfied with just
going to the brunch? Now the OP is in the awkward position of
wanting to visit with relatives but feeling obligated to attend
mom's lunch. My vote is to spend an hour with mom then go on to
the cousin gathering. Now any bets mom will try to keep OP at
her luncheon?
[/quote]
I also agree. I think the mom (and the others who rejected the
brunch idea) were kind-of rude. If it were me, I would go to the
cousins and not do the mom's lunch at all. There is plenty of
time to spend with the mom while staying at her house, and I
would want to celebrate with PEOPLE not based on FOOD.
#Post#: 43083--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: Aleko Date: December 3, 2019, 12:23 pm
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[quote]I think the mom (and the others who rejected the brunch
idea) were kind-of rude. If it were me, I would go to the
cousins and not do the mom's lunch at all. There is plenty of
time to spend with the mom while staying at her house, and I
would want to celebrate with PEOPLE not based on FOOD.[/quote]
I still maintain that there's a great deal more to Mom's
attitude than the FOOD. To a great many people the Christmas
meal, like a birthday cake, is not just 'FOOD': it's a ritual
symbol, and partaking of it together at table is a kind of
communion. I'm not a stickler for
exactly-the-same-menu-every-year myself, but even so I'm not
sure that I would consider that I'd had a 'Christmas meal' after
brunch with scrambled eggs and French toast: the more so as one
generally doesn't all sit down to a brunch in quite the same way
as one does to Christmas dinner. I think that Mom, and all the
others who rejected the brunch idea, were perfectly justified.
If Will and Cathy were my cousins, I think I would feel that
they had hijacked the date to host a housewarming instead. And
as they didn't apparently consult any of their relations, but
just volunteered to 'host Christmas lunch' and only later
unilaterally declared that it was going to be a quite different
kind of occasion from what anyone expected, I'd say the rudeness
was all on their side.
#Post#: 43089--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: Rose Red Date: December 3, 2019, 1:25 pm
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1418.msg43079#msg43079
date=1575392198]
I also agree. I think the mom (and the others who rejected the
brunch idea) were kind-of rude. If it were me, I would go to the
cousins and not do the mom's lunch at all. There is plenty of
time to spend with the mom while staying at her house, and I
would want to celebrate with PEOPLE not based on FOOD.
[/quote]
I don't know why a lot of people are acting like it was the
*mom* who planned her lunch the same time as Cathy and Will's
event just because of food. She didn't!
The mom didn't reject the brunch idea. She was going to attend
and then made plans for the rest of the day with neighbors. She
was probably told the time frame of the brunch and made plans
accordingly for after. It was the cousins who changed their
plans. Is the mom suppose to cancel on the neighbors? Now
*that's* rude.
#Post#: 43091--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: Jem Date: December 3, 2019, 1:39 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1418.msg43089#msg43089
date=1575401130]
[quote author=Jem link=topic=1418.msg43079#msg43079
date=1575392198]
I also agree. I think the mom (and the others who rejected the
brunch idea) were kind-of rude. If it were me, I would go to the
cousins and not do the mom's lunch at all. There is plenty of
time to spend with the mom while staying at her house, and I
would want to celebrate with PEOPLE not based on FOOD.
[/quote]
I don't know why a lot of people are acting like it was the
*mom* who planned her lunch the same time as Cathy and Will's
event just because of food. She didn't!
The mom didn't reject the brunch idea. She was going to attend
and then made plans for the rest of the day with neighbors. She
was probably told the time frame of the brunch and made plans
accordingly for after. It was the cousins who changed their
plans. Is the mom suppose to cancel on the neighbors? Now
*that's* rude.
[/quote]
This from the OP:
This upset my rather "prim and proper" elderly mother (who loves
her traditional Christmas lunch). She decided to have her own
Christmas lunch, and has already invited her next door neighbour
(a widower of 80), and a couple of friends of my late father's
(in their late 70s). (Note, she planned to attend Will and
Cathy's brunch, then go home and host this lunch).
...says to me that the mom was making it a point that she did
not approve of the hospitality Will and Cathy were providing.
Perhaps the timing matters, but having two large meals in close
proximity (a brunch and then a lunch) seems pointedly
inappropriate to me, and based on the wording from the OP I got
the sense the mom was intending to send the message of "I don't
approve of your brunch." I don't think the mom should change her
plans now that she has invited others to her own Christmas
lunch. I just think it was sortof rude of her to make her own
Christmas lunch to begin with.
#Post#: 43093--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: Aleko Date: December 3, 2019, 2:47 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote] based on the wording from the OP I got the sense the mom
was intending to send the message of "I don't approve of your
brunch." [/quote]
I would say that the message was more 'Your brunch may be all
very well in its way but it is not Christmas lunch'. I think she
has a perfect right to send that message. Evidently several
other family members sent the same one!
[quote] I just think it was sortof rude of her to make her own
Christmas lunch to begin with.[/quote]
Let's be clear: you are saying she should simply have resigned
herself to going without a Christmas lunch this year, simply
because Will and Cathy, having offered to provide one, decided
not to. I don't see she is in any way obligated to do that.
#Post#: 43095--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: Jem Date: December 3, 2019, 2:55 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1418.msg43093#msg43093
date=1575406029]
[quote] based on the wording from the OP I got the sense the mom
was intending to send the message of "I don't approve of your
brunch." [/quote]
I would say that the message was more 'Your brunch may be all
very well in its way but it is not Christmas lunch'. I think she
has a perfect right to send that message. Evidently several
other family members sent the same one!
[quote] I just think it was sortof rude of her to make her own
Christmas lunch to begin with.[/quote]
Let's be clear: you are saying she should simply have resigned
herself to going without a Christmas lunch this year, simply
because Will and Cathy, having offered to provide one, decided
not to. I don't see she is in any way obligated to do that.
[/quote]
Regarding the red, sure, they all have the "right" to do
whatever they want to! My opinion is that it is sortof rude,
especially because the intent was to indicate dissatisfaction
with the brunch.
Regarding the purple, my opinion is that the mom was rude to
have signaled her dissatisfaction with Will and Cathy's
hospitality. The mom can do whatever she wants to and isn't
obligated to anything, really. None of us are, really. My
opinion is that the mom was rather rude because of my perception
that she intended to signal that her way is better and that what
Will and Cathy were suggesting was subpar. Whether other people
agreed with her is beside the point in my view.
#Post#: 43096--------------------------------------------------
Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
By: TootsNYC Date: December 3, 2019, 3:23 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
the mom didn't invite Will & Cathy, or anyone else from the
brunch guest list.
She's not in the least rude. She likes to have that traditional
event, and she invited a completely different set of people to
come be hosted at her own home.
In terms of whether the family is wrong to object to having a
Christmas brunch instead of a luncheon, one of the other things
that can upset the applecart is that people plan other parts of
their tradition around that schedule.
If it's a luncheon, they may have time in the morning for
stockings and some present-opening, or my husband likes to make
what he calls "a big American breakfast" of pancakes and eggs
and bacon.
I go to church on Christmas morning, so I wouldn't be happy with
a brunch even if it began at noon.
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