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#Post#: 43415--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hmmm Date: December 9, 2019, 8:50 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1407.msg42872#msg42872
date=1575109329]
LoP's remark that Sue seems to have had a personality change for
the worse since Billy was born does make it sound as though
she's in the grip of postnatal depression. If so, it may well be
that she feels just tooling up for the normal
'Christmas-with-my-parents-coming' is a huge effort, and the
notion of either adding her MIL to the mix with all that
entails, or devising a workaround, is just more than she can
cope with.
[/quote]
I've not dealt personally with Postpartum depression but I have
met a few parents who displayed these behaviors once they became
a parent.
Sometimes it feels like she has become more selfish, less
mature, and less empathetic - to anyone who isn't her son. And
she used to socialise with a wide range of people in the
community through her job and volunteer work. Now she mostly
hangs out with other mums. (Fun fact, she once told me that I
couldn't possibly understand the main character's motivations in
"The Handmaid's Tale", because I'm not a mother myself!).
It had nothing to do with depression and more of the "only a
parent could really understand" and the "world revolves around
my offspring" mentality.
#Post#: 43465--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: XRogue Date: December 9, 2019, 6:47 pm
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Have chewed over my thoughts on this one for a minute or two,
and here is where I am. I don't think anyone here is necessarily
toxic, yet-but it might just get there in a hurry.
It's fair enough to say Sue's MIL is clueless that her
commentary is not needed and is hurtful. Also that she is Tom's
mother and in the name of compassion, shouldn't be left alone,
on a first holiday after being widowed and losing her parents.
No sweat.
It's ok to for Tom to ask his wife to have patience with his
mother's thoughtlessness. Everyone has these moments. Including
Sue's parents being judgy. :)
BUT: It is also just and fair for Sue to point out "I am
welcoming your mother as a guest in our home at a difficult
time. I have demonstrated that I am willing to be pleasant to
her. She has hurt me with her thoughtless commentary in the past
and I should not have to endure that in my home over the
holidays. I will agree to be pleasant and host her, and expect
my parents to be pleasant to her as well. In return, I the same
from your mother, and since this is such a delicate time for
her, please convey this to her yourself."
It would be best coming from Tom to his mother, and from Sue to
her parents. People can wear out their welcomes to other
people's homes. Even those of family members. And personally I
feel it more compassionate to help a person get out of their own
way *before* they do so. Fair enough that people will take
things better if a family member says it, then handle it that
way. But if someone oversteps, shut it down. Even if they have
to be handed their coat and escorted home.
I speak as someone whose paternal grandmother did just that. And
it started with unsolicited parenting advice at exactly this
level. She was handed an inch ended up taking mile after mile.
In the end, there were no visits from anyone on Christmas
during the last 20 years of her life, except the year my
stepgrandfather was dying, nor was she welcome at anyone's home.
All because no one would ask her to mind her own business and
stick to talking about the weather, etc.
#Post#: 43508--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: TootsNYC Date: December 10, 2019, 10:31 am
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[quote author=XRogue link=topic=1407.msg43465#msg43465
date=1575938865]
People can wear out their welcomes to other people's homes. Even
those of family members. And personally I feel it more
compassionate to help a person get out of their own way *before*
they do so.
...
In the end, there were no visits from anyone on Christmas
during the last 20 years of her life, except the year my
stepgrandfather was dying, nor was she welcome at anyone's home.
All because no one would ask her to mind her own business and
stick to talking about the weather, etc.
[/quote]
I so agree with this. I think it is only fair--and is also a
kindness--to let people know exactly what they are risking by
their behavior and their comments.
It has to be done both compassionately and seriously, and not
everyone feels up to it (or they've left it so long that now
they're kind of mad and there's no coming back from that, or
they know they can't give the message without rancor).
But it's a good thing to say, "When you criticize everyone in
the room, you are creating a situation in which they will not
want to be around you, and they will not invite you anymore or
visit you. That's the risk you are running here--that danger
looms--do you see it?"
#Post#: 44185--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: December 23, 2019, 2:19 am
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UPDATE!
I caught up with Sue and Billy this morning. She picked up me
(with the CD player in the car blasting nursery rhymes. Think of
the most annoying, high-pitched, babyish CD, and that was it).
We went to a kid-friendly cafe near a playground, and she
snapped about 30 pictures of Billy drinking his babycino. I
asked her how her Christmas Day plans were going.
Turns out, there's been a change of plan. Tom's mum is throwing
a party with Tom's extended family on Christmas Eve. But there
is friction between Sue and her MIL. The party starts at 7pm,
which is Billy's bedtime. Sue refuses to keep Billy up later, so
wants her, Tom, and Billy to arrive early (like, 4.30pm), stay
for a couple of hours, have an early dinner, and leave before
the party starts). Tom's mum is disappointed, as it means the
rest of her family won't get to see them, and vice versa.
I asked Sue why she couldn't just put Billy to sleep at her
MIL's house? But she replied that Billy has a strict bedtime
routine, which involves a bath, story time, etc etc, and it just
"wouldn't work" at someone else's house.
Sue also confirmed that only her parents will be attending
Christmas lunch at her house, and she, Tom and Billy will have a
quiet dinner by themselves on Christmas night (note - they are
also spending all day Boxing Day with Sue's family).
At that point we had to leave, as Billy was starting to arc up a
bit (he pushed over a little girl near the swings).
We walked back to Sue's car. She strapped Billy into his car
seat, saying "Mummy loves you!" and kissing him before closing
the door. She drove me home, with The Annoying CD playing all
the way, and telling me how she's decided to send Billy to one
of the most expensive private schools in the state for kinder
next year, because public schools just don't cut it, etc.
We discussed catching up again the week after Christmas, and she
suggested dinner - which sounded great, until she said that
dinner would need to be "at 4.30pm, as that's when Billy eats
his dinner". Now, I think 4.30pm is a great time for a late
afternoon snack, but way too early for dinner! So I didn't
commit.
At this point, I think I'm okay with distancing myself from this
friendship. Sue has turned into someone I struggle to recognise
these days. Not sure what to do...
#Post#: 44190--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: kckgirl Date: December 23, 2019, 7:34 am
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Sue sounds awfully selfish and rigid to me.
#Post#: 44191--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: gramma dishes Date: December 23, 2019, 8:01 am
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I wonder how many other friends she will lose too before she
comes to the realization that the World Does Not Revolve Around
Billy?
She sounds like a terrible parent who is raising a child no
other child and no other adult will like.
#Post#: 44198--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Pattycake Date: December 23, 2019, 9:00 am
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All that, and Billy will never learn to take things in stride.
Change will be hard for him. Why is 4:30 his dinner time? Most
families would give their kids an apple or something in late
afternoon, and have dinner at 5:00 or 6:00. I wonder if
"judgemental MIL" is really so judgemental, after hearing the
update!
#Post#: 44215--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hmmm Date: December 23, 2019, 11:17 am
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Billy is going to Kinder next year so he is already 4? And she
still has him on such a strict schedule? Billy is going to have
a shock in school that the world isn't revolving around him.
#Post#: 44218--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Jem Date: December 23, 2019, 11:35 am
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Most parents are not looking for input from others concerning
their parenting. I agree OP that your best option is likely to
distance yourself from Sue. Her parenting may be what she thinks
is best for her family, but it isn’t compatible with her
relationship with you right now.....and that’s okay! No big
statement needs to be made unless she asks, and if she does I
would just offer a breezy, “our schedules aren’t matching up
lately but I hope you are enjoying ______!”
#Post#: 44247--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: December 23, 2019, 11:22 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1407.msg44215#msg44215
date=1577121458]
Billy is going to Kinder next year so he is already 4? And she
still has him on such a strict schedule? Billy is going to have
a shock in school that the world isn't revolving around him.
[/quote]
Maybe Kinder is the wrong word - I meant the part-time
kindergarten / pre-school that four year olds attend here. Billy
is three, but turning four next year.
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