DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Holidays
*****************************************************
#Post#: 42212--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hanna Date: November 18, 2019, 11:13 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I would say if she cannot put this aside she really doesn't care
a bit about her husband and it does not bode well for their
marriage. Sue just sounds like a very selfish person that she's
even asking this question.
#Post#: 42228--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Gellchom Date: November 18, 2019, 12:32 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1407.msg42185#msg42185
date=1574086746]
I cannot imagine telling my DH that I wanted to exclude my MIL
because she had given me unsolicited advice. I understand that
the examples given are just a few instances but usually people
lead with the worse and those just don't equate to toxic family
member. Not everyone can have perfectly harmonious families and
not every personality meshes. I'm sure Sue wouldn't drop out of
a social group because there was one person in the group who
annoyed her. I also doubt Tom is as eager to spend Christmas
with Sue's parents as she is.Tom has recently lost his dad, his
grandmother, and his sister is not physically available to him
either. Sue comes across as insecure and really very uncaring
of others in this situation.
Aleko's advice is very good about giving Tom and his mother some
alone time.
*solid foods like cereals is not all that unusual at 3 months
and there is a whole group of parents who would also agree about
delaying potty training.
[/quote]
Hmmm said it perfectly, as usual. The bolded was exactly what I
was thinking. Tom's mother may be a real piece of work, but all
I see are annoying personality things. It sounds to me like Sue
wouldn't accept her MIL unless she were absolutely perfect.
If I were Tom, I'd be really tempted to go spend the day with my
newly widowed, albeit annoying, mother instead of my judgmental
in-laws and selfish, heartless wife.
#Post#: 42229--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: kckgirl Date: November 18, 2019, 12:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
My mother and my sister-in-law's mother were friendly with each
other. My brother and his wife/kids tried going to both
families' homes for holidays (with meals) until one of the
mothers called the other and said she thought they should
combine the "meal and visiting" portion of the day so everybody
had more time and brother & wife didn't have to decide where to
go first and last. It worked out great for both sides. On
Christmas, they went to my parents' home for breakfast and
gifts. Then closer to lunchtime they went to sister-in-law's
family home, along with my parents, for gifts, the main meal,
and games/visiting. I didn't live locally and didn't travel
during cold months.
This could work for the family in the OP if they can put aside
their differences for one day and behave like reasonable adults.
Another option would be to visit the Tom Grandma in the morning
for breakfast and gifts, as stated above, then home around
lunchtime to finish preparations for the Sue Grandma to visit.
#Post#: 42231--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: lakey Date: November 18, 2019, 1:00 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think that Tom's mother shouldn't have to spend Christmas all
alone. Having at least one annoying relative at the holiday
festivities isn't exactly unusual. I suppose my views are
colored by the fact that I have a large family. When there are
12 or more people the obnoxious behavior might be easier to
overlook.
But I still think that Tom's mother shouldn't have to spend
Christmas alone.
#Post#: 42232--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Jem Date: November 18, 2019, 1:21 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree with the PPs. I actually view Sue and her parents as the
judgmental ones here.
Perhaps it would be best to set a time cap on either end so that
the gathering is limited time wise as opposed to an all day long
"when will this be over" event. I think it makes sense to be
flexible, especially as family units enlarge with getting
married, kids being born, "kids" having spouses and kids, etc.
and then family units also diminishing with "kids" moving away,
spending time with "the inlaws," spouses dying.
It sounds like Tom's mother is annoying but not toxic. I also
think Sue is rather short sighted and mean to not "allow" Tom's
mother to spend time with her grandchild. Based on what we've
been told, absolutely nothing indicates that Tom's mom would
endanger the child and if Sue gives her child the impression
that "Grandma Tom's Mom" is a bad person somehow (which he will
pick up on as he gets older) that is really out of line, in my
opinion.
#Post#: 42233--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: QueenFaninCA Date: November 18, 2019, 1:22 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1407.msg42181#msg42181
date=1574073684]
Sue's rationale is "I don't want to be judged and commented on,
in my own house on Christmas Day. Plus, it's not fair on my
parents if she is there - there is too much tension."
[/quote]
Having a somewhat judgemental MIL, this one stands out for me. I
understand why MIL should be invited. But I think Tom needs top
have a heart to heart with his mommy before Christmas about her
needing to be polite and non-judgemental.
#Post#: 42238--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: STiG Date: November 18, 2019, 1:43 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
How long is the Christmas lunch? Perhaps MIL could be invited
for supper, instead. Yes, it means Sue has to prepare and cook
two meals instead of one but it would keep all parties separate.
If I were faced with the same situation with my BIL, I'd be
looking for a similar compromise. He is such an unpleasant
person to be around that I really don't want him around my
family. As he and my husband are not currently on speaking
terms, I'm not in such a position at the moment, fortunately.
#Post#: 42239--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: GardenGal Date: November 18, 2019, 1:46 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=STiG link=topic=1407.msg42238#msg42238
date=1574106204]
How long is the Christmas lunch? Perhaps MIL could be invited
for supper, instead. Yes, it means Sue has to prepare and cook
two meals instead of one but it would keep all parties separate.
If I were faced with the same situation with my BIL, I'd be
looking for a similar compromise. He is such an unpleasant
person to be around that I really don't want him around my
family. As he and my husband are not currently on speaking
terms, I'm not in such a position at the moment, fortunately.
[/quote]
This would be my suggestion, too - have MIL over for dinner
instead of lunch. DH can describe it as a special time to be
able to share with his mother as the center of attraction, or
something like that.
#Post#: 42253--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Nikko-chan Date: November 18, 2019, 6:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree with the Christmas dinner idea. BUt.... has anyone asked
MIL what SHE wants? Would she perhaps like the day alone to cry
and mourn her husband and her mother? Or would she like to be
around people? My advice is also to go towards what the grieving
party wants. If she wants to be alone, "Okay MIL. Would you like
us to see you on Boxing day or Christmas Eve this year?" If not
"Okay MIL, Husband will be there to pick you up/you can come
around 4"
#Post#: 42254--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hello Ducky Date: November 18, 2019, 6:17 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=1407.msg42233#msg42233
date=1574104974]
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1407.msg42181#msg42181
date=1574073684]
Sue's rationale is "I don't want to be judged and commented on,
in my own house on Christmas Day. Plus, it's not fair on my
parents if she is there - there is too much tension."
[/quote]
Having a somewhat judgemental MIL, this one stands out for me. I
understand why MIL should be invited. But I think Tom needs top
have a heart to heart with his mommy before Christmas about her
needing to be polite and non-judgemental.
[/quote]
I would add that Sue needs to do the same with her parents,
given they have on occasion "sniped at each other." Let's not
pretend that Tom's mother is the only problem here.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page