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#Post#: 42181--------------------------------------------------
Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch? UPDATE 2023
post 120
By: LifeOnPluto Date: November 18, 2019, 4:41 am
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I wasn't sure whether to post this in the "Family and Children"
folder, or this one - so mods, please feel free to move.
Asking for a friend here.
My friend "Sue" is married to "Tom", and they have a 3 year old
son "Billy". Unfortunately, Sue does not get on with her
mother-in-law. After Billy was born, she (the MIL) said some
rather judgmental things to Sue ("Goodness me, you're doing
[insert parenting activity] like that?? In my day, we always did
it like this!"). Ironically, MIL has some questionable parenting
theories herself (eg "It's fine to give some solids to 3 month
olds" and "There's no point in toilet training children until
just before they start kindergarten!"). She also has a rather
flaky personality. As a result, Sue does not allow her MIL to
babysit Billy.
In addition, Sue's parents and Tom's mother do not get on. The
families are completely different in terms of values,
personalities, and outlooks on life. Previous attempts to bring
them together have resulted in long, uncomfortable silences, and
- at worst - outright sniping at each other on a couple of
occasions. Sue's parents have privately told Sue that they
"can't stand" Tom's mother.
Since Billy was born, Sue and Tom's standard practice has been
to host Christmas lunch at their house, and invite Sue's
parents. They visit with Tom's side of the family on Christmas
Eve or Boxing Day. This arrangement has worked okay in the past,
as MIL has spent Christmas Day with her husband (ie Tom's dad),
mother (ie Tom's grandmother) and daughter (ie Tom's sister).
Unfortunately however, Tom's father died in 2018, and Tom's
grandmother passed away earlier this year. Tom's sister is
currently overseas. So this year, MIL has no one to spend
Christmas Day with. Tom wants to invite his mother over for
Christmas lunch, but Sue has already invited her family over as
per usual, and does not want her MIL there also.
Sue's rationale is "I don't want to be judged and commented on,
in my own house on Christmas Day. Plus, it's not fair on my
parents if she is there - there is too much tension."
Tom's rationale is "She's my mum. She's had a tough couple of
years. I don't want to leave her by herself on Christmas Day."
This has caused some friction between Sue and Tom. Both of them
feel the other is being unreasonable and unsupportive. For the
record, Sue is fine with celebrating Christmas with her MIL on
Christmas Eve or Boxing Day - just not Christmas Day itself.
What do you all think? Who is right? How could this be worked
out?
#Post#: 42182--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hanna Date: November 18, 2019, 5:18 am
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I think Sue needs to compromise with her husband and put her own
feelings aside. She has celebrated Christmas with her own family
every year; this is a particularly bad year for Tom and his
family. Leaving his mother alone on against his wishes on
Christmas day would, in my opinion, make her a pretty terrible
wife and person.
Just reading this reminded me of my ghastly ex-sil who ruled
over all holiday schedules. She really harmed my family and made
life unpleasant.
#Post#: 42183--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Aleko Date: November 18, 2019, 7:28 am
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I also feel that this is a time for everyone to grit their teeth
and show Christian charity. It's simply not on to leave one's
mother alone on Christmas Day when she can readily be invited
over. Sue needs to outline the situation to her parents, who
presumably are perfectly aware that she can't stand this woman
either, and ask them to collaborate with her in parking their
dislike for the day and trying to maintain a mood of peace and
goodwill to all men (and in-laws). If Sue's parents are decent
people, they will surely see the rightness of this.
I don't say that Tom might not be asked to drive over in the
late morning to fetch his mother to Christmas lunch, which
(unlike her driving herself) enables them to decide when he
takes her home - preferably reasonably shortly after dinner is
over, enabling everyone else to stop maintaining the sweetness
and light and relax in the gratifying sensation of duty done.
(Which gives her some quality time alone with her boy to gripe
at That Woman You Call Your Wife, the in-laws, and her
grandchildren's manners; so it's a favour to her, really.) He
can 'confidentially' spin the shortness of her visit as a favour
to her - 'I know you can't stand Sue's parents, so we won't ask
you to stay very long'.
#Post#: 42185--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hmmm Date: November 18, 2019, 8:19 am
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I cannot imagine telling my DH that I wanted to exclude my MIL
because she had given me unsolicited advice. I understand that
the examples given are just a few instances but usually people
lead with the worse and those just don't equate to toxic family
member. Not everyone can have perfectly harmonious families and
not every personality meshes. I'm sure Sue wouldn't drop out of
a social group because there was one person in the group who
annoyed her. I also doubt Tom is as eager to spend Christmas
with Sue's parents as she is.Tom has recently lost his dad, his
grandmother, and his sister is not physically available to him
either. Sue comes across as insecure and really very uncaring
of others in this situation.
Aleko's advice is very good about giving Tom and his mother some
alone time.
*solid foods like cereals is not all that unusual at 3 months
and there is a whole group of parents who would also agree about
delaying potty training.
#Post#: 42186--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: kckgirl Date: November 18, 2019, 8:26 am
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I think they should invite the MIL. The idea of Tom picking her
up and taking her home is a really good one for reasons stated
above. They'll have bonus alone time for the holiday, which
they'd probably both enjoy. One possibility is that, during the
drive over, Tom could ask his mom not to make comments on their
child rearing while she's visiting, because it upsets them and
they'd like to have a peaceful and fun holiday celebration.
#Post#: 42199--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: gramma dishes Date: November 18, 2019, 9:26 am
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It's Christmas!
Certainly Sue and her family can rise to the occasion this one
time, especially since it's so important to Tom.
The funny thing is that there's an assumption here that Tom's
mother is chomping at the bit, eager to be included in Sue's
family's festivities. She may really be pleased to be asked,
but it is also possible that she'd just as soon see them
separately in her own home as she has in years past. In other
words, she may not be all that eager to break her own traditions
even though they'd obviously be different with the main cast of
characters being so drastically reduced.
Maybe they should ask her which she'd prefer?
I think the danger here becomes, if Tom's mom happily accepts
the invitation, then will she see it as a signal of a whole new
standing tradition for her. Maybe at the time it could be
stressed that some years the two families will celebrate
together and some years they'll keep celebrations separate.
#Post#: 42202--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Nestholder Date: November 18, 2019, 9:31 am
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In Sue's situation, I would find it difficult to think of myself
as a Decent Person if I left my husband's recently widowed
mother to spend Christmas alone. It's hard to see that this
MIL has put herself beyond the pale, there's just fratching
about things and Sue hasn't taken the 'advice' well, but it's
hard to see that unwelcome advice on child-rearing, no matter
how condescendingly delivered, could justify leaving the woman
on her own.
If it turns out that MIL would prefer to be on her own than in
company with Sue's family, there may well be a bigger problem
here, but it isn't clear who's at fault.
#Post#: 42204--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Model Date: November 18, 2019, 9:33 am
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Come on, of course they need to invite Tom's mother. I'm
surprised this is even a question!
#Post#: 42207--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Amara Date: November 18, 2019, 10:29 am
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Sue and Sue's parents sound a bit like douchebags. I mean, they
can't even get along for a day? And how do we know Tom's mother
is difficult? Those pieces of advice on childrearing sound like
just helpful advice, unless they came with sneers and sarcasm.
If Sue has a problem with her MIL's suggestions, she should just
let Tom's mother know in a calm and polite way that she prefers
to do things another way. But to snub her MIL on what will
surely be a very difficult day for her is cruel. If I knew a
"Sue" who did this I'd sure reevaluate the friendship.
And for future, if the celebration is separate for each that the
person/people who are going to be bumped off the actual day of
Christmas should alternate. There is no reason for it always to
be Sue's parents who get "the" day. That's just mean on Sue's
part
#Post#: 42209--------------------------------------------------
Re: Inviting (or not) judgmental MIL to Christmas lunch?
By: Hmmm Date: November 18, 2019, 10:34 am
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[quote author=Amara link=topic=1407.msg42207#msg42207
date=1574094584]
Sue and Sue's parents sound a bit like douchebags. I mean, they
can't even get along for a day? And how do we know Tom's mother
is difficult? Those pieces of advice on childrearing sound like
just helpful advice, unless they came with sneers and sarcasm.
If Sue has a problem with her MIL's suggestions, she should just
let Tom's mother know in a calm and polite way that she prefers
to do things another way. But to snub her MIL on what will
surely be a very difficult day for her is cruel. If I knew a
"Sue" who did this I'd sure reevaluate the friendship.
And for future, if the celebration is separate for each that the
person/people who are going to be bumped off the actual day of
Christmas should alternate. There is no reason for it always to
be Sue's parents who get "the" day. That's just mean on Sue's
part
[/quote]
I thought the same thing. I doubt I'd want to remain friends
with someone who treated their spouse and anyone really in this
manner.
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