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#Post#: 44496--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Lkdrymom Date: December 31, 2019, 9:27 am
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[quote author=Victoria link=topic=1379.msg44447#msg44447
date=1577721931]
Thank you all for the replies.
I attempted to keep the conversation at a surface level, but my
father flat-out refused. First his answer was "I'm not going to
stop doing that in my house" and I said "Okay, I understand if
that's something you feel like you need to do," but he tried to
interrogate me about why I was "apparently so offended" at his
comments. I kept repeating that I just didn't want to hear them
anymore, and said that I would bring up the same thing if he
said "there's a car" or "there's a restaurant," every time he
saw one on screen or we went somewhere with a car or a
restaurant.
He didn't seem to grasp (or more likely refused to grasp) the
reality that I don't care what his opinions are, I just don't
want to hear about them all the time. He got quite heated and
emotional, but I stayed calm and let him rant. Eventually he
said that he would be a failure if his children didn't think
exactly the same way he does and have the same beliefs as he
does. At that point I realized that I wasn't going to actually
get anywhere with him with even the most basic, surface-level
requests around etiquette and manners.
[/quote]
It was funny that you mentioned repeatedly commenting on a "car
or restaurant' because my father and grandmother would do that.
They loved the sound of their own voice so if there wasn't
anything to say they would just talking for the sake of talking.
Car rides with them were painful "ooh there's a car wash....ooo
look and arby's......another gas station!"
I think in your father's case he was raised to think like his
parents so therefore you must think like him. I have found with
the older generations they will blindly follow tradition or
their upbringing. My husband is older and I remember him once
commenting on something I was doing as "that is not the way my
mother did that" And I asked him what made his mother an
authority on the subject. He seemed to think because she was of
an older generation that made her automatically right. She was
no more right or wrong than I was but because it was ingrained
in him that you have to do as your parent do then that is the
only right way.
My father used to use the term "colored". I would always
respond "What color?" That would get him flustered because his
generation assumes everyone thinks alike.
#Post#: 44509--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: JeanFromBNA Date: December 31, 2019, 12:57 pm
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I think that your Father may suspect that you are gay, and is
afraid of what will happen if his suspicions are confirmed. I'm
not saying that anything will happen if you come out, just that
he is probably worried about what the future will look like if
you do: Will he be able to relate to and love a gay child? What
will other people think of him for having a gay child? All of
his offside comments are verbal "cootie spray;" he is trying to
prevent you from saying what he does not want to hear and
becoming what he thinks he will find dreadful by critical
comments that he hopes will keep the gay away.
I'm not gay, and will never be able to understand what it's like
to come out, but I wonder what he would say if you said, "Dad,
what if I'm gay or bisexual? Would you still make these
comments?
I think you handled your visit well, and on your terms.
#Post#: 44521--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: NFPwife Date: December 31, 2019, 4:20 pm
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[quote author=JeanFromBNA link=topic=1379.msg44509#msg44509
date=1577818645]
I think that your Father may suspect that you are gay, and is
afraid of what will happen if his suspicions are confirmed. I'm
not saying that anything will happen if you come out, just that
he is probably worried about what the future will look like if
you do: Will he be able to relate to and love a gay child? What
will other people think of him for having a gay child? All of
his offside comments are verbal "cootie spray;" he is trying to
prevent you from saying what he does not want to hear and
becoming what he thinks he will find dreadful by critical
comments that he hopes will keep the gay away.
I'm not gay, and will never be able to understand what it's like
to come out, but I wonder what he would say if you said, "Dad,
what if I'm gay or bisexual? Would you still make these
comments?
I think you handled your visit well, and on your terms.
[/quote]
I've had the same thought reading this thread. He's innoculating
himself against your coming out to him because the cognitive
dissonance is too overwhelming.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.
#Post#: 44532--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Chez Miriam Date: January 1, 2020, 6:52 am
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I once had my mother say something to me about my doing
something* and that must mean she was a failure as a parent. I
replied that <whatever it was> was the case, and that must then
mean by her reasoning she had failed as a parent. Stunned
silence. I was perfectly prepared to follow up with "how does
it feel to know you are a failure?", but it wasn't necessary.
More recently, whenever a [perceived] failing has been pointed
out, I remarked "well, I blame the parents". It does cut things
off pretty promptly. I understand it would/could be "the
nuclear option", but it is another strategy that you can keep in
reserve.
I hope your next visit is better; sometimes set-in-their-ways
people need time to 'process', and a bit of mulling time +
distance + maybe even your mum backing you up if he were to ask
her opinion, [i]can [/i]= improvement. Fingers crossed for that
to happen.
* Sorry it's so waffly - it's so long ago that I don't remember
any details.
#Post#: 44565--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: LadyX Date: January 1, 2020, 10:38 pm
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A post that violated this rule has been removed. I thought I
would post it again as a reminder.
Thank-you to those who reported it!
READ ME
Stick strictly to the topic at hand of how this OP can try and
handle her father's comments.
Any posts that go off on tangents, soap-boxing, or agendas will
be removed.
Think very carefully before you post.
Thank-you.
#Post#: 44710--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Winterlight Date: January 3, 2020, 10:48 am
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[quote author=Victoria link=topic=1379.msg44447#msg44447
date=1577721931]
He didn't seem to grasp (or more likely refused to grasp) the
reality that I don't care what his opinions are, I just don't
want to hear about them all the time. He got quite heated and
emotional, but I stayed calm and let him rant. Eventually he
said that he would be a failure if his children didn't think
exactly the same way he does and have the same beliefs as he
does. At that point I realized that I wasn't going to actually
get anywhere with him with even the most basic, surface-level
requests around etiquette and manners.
However, in regards to the question at hand, he ultimately
agreed to "think about it," I didn't hear anymore comments from
him along those lines after that. Unfortunately his concern was
that he felt like I "misunderstood him" and thought that he
"hated gay people" and that's the reason he agreed to think
about it (when again, the reality is that I just don't want to
hear the repetition).
This behavior is consistent with the way he's acted in the past,
and it's now pretty clear to me that my father is never going to
know who I actually am, since sexual orientation aside, we're
pretty much mirror opposites on any other issue you can think
of. Still, I'm proud of the way that I handled myself, and I'm
proud that I didn't allow myself to say anything rude, or do
something like coming out in the heat of the moment to spite
him.
[/quote]
I think the bolded is kind of sad. There are definitely things
that would have made my parents think they'd failed as parents,
say, if my brother and I espoused racist views. But lock step
with them on everything sounds somewhat unhealthy.
It sounds like you're handling things to the best of your
ability here. You get to decide how much you're willing to hear,
and at this point, you aren't living with them, so you can walk
away when you don't think you can tolerate more.
I'm sorry you can't be honest with him, but it sounds like he
won't take it well, and you are within your rights to tell only
those who will be supportive.
#Post#: 44780--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: LifeOnPluto Date: January 3, 2020, 9:43 pm
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[quote author=Victoria link=topic=1379.msg44447#msg44447
date=1577721931]
Eventually he said that he would be a failure if his children
didn't think exactly the same way he does and have the same
beliefs as he does.
[/quote]
How strange. Does your father think exactly the way that HIS
parents did? Does every single one of his opinions accord
perfectly with theirs? If not, does he see his parents has
having "failed"?
#Post#: 46127--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: ladylike123 Date: January 24, 2020, 6:17 pm
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If I were you, I would respectfully ask him to stop making those
comments in front of you, while making it clear that you are not
trying to shame him or change his mind on the spot. If his
beliefs are as ingrained as you say they are, it is probably not
worth the trouble to actually try and change his mind.
#Post#: 46216--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Victoria Date: January 27, 2020, 12:07 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1379.msg44780#msg44780
date=1578109384]
[quote author=Victoria link=topic=1379.msg44447#msg44447
date=1577721931]
Eventually he said that he would be a failure if his children
didn't think exactly the same way he does and have the same
beliefs as he does.
[/quote]
How strange. Does your father think exactly the way that HIS
parents did? Does every single one of his opinions accord
perfectly with theirs? If not, does he see his parents has
having "failed"?
[/quote]
Definitely a thread I'm not willing to pull, and looking back I
exercised a remarkable amount of restraint in the moment,
because this came to mind. My brother has always expressed that
he didn't really like talking to our parents because he always
felt like there was this lingering, unsaid sense of
disappointment from them, and I told him that wasn't the case
and it was all in his head...but after all this I think he was
right.
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