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#Post#: 41226--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: lakey Date: October 29, 2019, 5:13 pm
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[quote]Lexophile
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
« Reply #18 on: October 28, 2019, 02:03:29 pm »
Quote
Quote from: Lkdrymom on October 27, 2019, 10:38:47 am
"Dad, why do you feel the need to comment on a person's s*xual
orientation? How is this relevant to ANYTHING?"
THIS!
Grab it head-on and don't weigh it down with anything that looks
like you are opening a debate!
I've tried the approach with my parents where I asked them to
respect my viewpoints the way I respect theirs. Know where it
got me? Nowhere.
With sensitive subject matter, I've consistently found that the
best approach is clear and direct. I might even say something
shorter, vis-a-vis:
"Why would you say that?" followed by a direct, expressionless
stare in expectation of his response.
You don't owe him any explanation of your question.[/quote]
I agree with all of this with the following change, phrase your
response as a statement, not a question. By phrasing it as a
question, you are inviting debate, which you don't want. "I
don't want to listen to you comment on other people's s*xual
orientation," should end the discussion.
Also Dazi's comment is right. My parents had dementia. They had
not used profanity when they were younger, but my mother did
somewhat when she had dementia. My parents never used racial
slurs, but when my father was 96 he used the "n word" once. It
was a shock to me, and fortunately, it only happened that one
time.
#Post#: 44447--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Victoria Date: December 30, 2019, 10:05 am
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Thank you all for the replies.
I attempted to keep the conversation at a surface level, but my
father flat-out refused. First his answer was "I'm not going to
stop doing that in my house" and I said "Okay, I understand if
that's something you feel like you need to do," but he tried to
interrogate me about why I was "apparently so offended" at his
comments. I kept repeating that I just didn't want to hear them
anymore, and said that I would bring up the same thing if he
said "there's a car" or "there's a restaurant," every time he
saw one on screen or we went somewhere with a car or a
restaurant.
He didn't seem to grasp (or more likely refused to grasp) the
reality that I don't care what his opinions are, I just don't
want to hear about them all the time. He got quite heated and
emotional, but I stayed calm and let him rant. Eventually he
said that he would be a failure if his children didn't think
exactly the same way he does and have the same beliefs as he
does. At that point I realized that I wasn't going to actually
get anywhere with him with even the most basic, surface-level
requests around etiquette and manners.
However, in regards to the question at hand, he ultimately
agreed to "think about it," I didn't hear anymore comments from
him along those lines after that. Unfortunately his concern was
that he felt like I "misunderstood him" and thought that he
"hated gay people" and that's the reason he agreed to think
about it (when again, the reality is that I just don't want to
hear the repetition).
This behavior is consistent with the way he's acted in the past,
and it's now pretty clear to me that my father is never going to
know who I actually am, since sexual orientation aside, we're
pretty much mirror opposites on any other issue you can think
of. Still, I'm proud of the way that I handled myself, and I'm
proud that I didn't allow myself to say anything rude, or do
something like coming out in the heat of the moment to spite
him.
#Post#: 44450--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: sandisadie Date: December 30, 2019, 10:57 am
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What a sad result of your visit. I think you handled it well
though. At least now you know that nothing is going to change
regarding your Father. One thing that stuck out to me is his
statement that he would feel like a failure if his children
didn't think and believe the same as he did. One has to wonder
where this wrongheaded idea originated for him.
#Post#: 44452--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Victoria Date: December 30, 2019, 11:13 am
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[quote author=sandisadie link=topic=1379.msg44450#msg44450
date=1577725057]
What a sad result of your visit. I think you handled it well
though. At least now you know that nothing is going to change
regarding your Father. One thing that stuck out to me is his
statement that he would feel like a failure if his children
didn't think and believe the same as he did. One has to wonder
where this wrongheaded idea originated for him.
[/quote]
Thank you. I'm not really sure about where that actual idea
originated, but he's always been extremely staunch and rigid in
his belief systems and said that if he "did his job" his
children would have the same ones. He gave the example that he
hates that my brother swears a lot, but tries to censor himself
around my parents and apologizes when something slips out. I
told him that my brother was a grown man, that I'm a grown
woman, and that the most an adult can ask of another adult is
exactly what my brother is doing. My father disagrees and said
that "if you're a parent you're always going to feel that way."
I declined to pull the thread out any further because my father
was set in that opinion.
In private my mother said that she wasn't sure where the idea
came from either and that she didn't agree with it, that she
knows we're very different but she can tolerate and grasp that
concept. She tried to say that my father's sensitive but I said
that he's only sensitive to his own emotions and beliefs, and
that if someone challenges those or disagrees with them he has a
very emotionally-stunted reaction and it's incredibly
egotistical to expect your children to be carbon copies of you.
#Post#: 44453--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: MinMom3 Date: December 30, 2019, 11:43 am
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Not a happy realization. I'm sorry. At least you can speak
honestly with your mother.
#Post#: 44456--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Rose Red Date: December 30, 2019, 11:55 am
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I would be tempted to ask him why he's imagining what goes on in
other people's bedrooms. But I'm sure that would just provoke
him into another rage.
#Post#: 44458--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Victoria Date: December 30, 2019, 12:05 pm
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1379.msg44456#msg44456
date=1577728544]
I would be tempted to ask him why he's imagining what goes on in
other people's bedrooms. But I'm sure that would just provoke
him into another rage.
[/quote]
He fully elaborated on the fact that he disapproves of the
normalization of LGBTQIA+ in the media and in society and that's
part of the reason he mentions it when he sees it. I think many
of us (myself included) tend to be morbidly fascinated or to
feel like we would probe more when it comes to some of these
etiquette questions, but the reality is that you probably
wouldn't if you've already had to live with the person for a
lifetime.
The simple fact of the matter is that I'm exhausted by his
boat-rocking, I had to fall in line as a kid to survive and not
get kicked out of the house, and now I have to decide what my
hill to die on is when it comes to keeping general familial
peace. He's not worth any additional energy expenditure at this
point but I need this to be my sounding board so I don't cross
any lines and let my emotional baggage influence the
expectations that I place on him.
#Post#: 44460--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: chigger Date: December 30, 2019, 12:17 pm
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[quote author=Victoria link=topic=1379.msg44458#msg44458
date=1577729138]
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1379.msg44456#msg44456
date=1577728544]
I would be tempted to ask him why he's imagining what goes on in
other people's bedrooms. But I'm sure that would just provoke
him into another rage.
[/quote]
He fully elaborated on the fact that he disapproves of the
normalization of LGBTQIA+ in the media and in society and that's
part of the reason he mentions it when he sees it. I think many
of us (myself included) tend to be morbidly fascinated or to
feel like we would probe more when it comes to some of these
etiquette questions, but the reality is that you probably
wouldn't if you've already had to live with the person for a
lifetime.
The simple fact of the matter is that I'm exhausted by his
boat-rocking, I had to fall in line as a kid to survive and not
get kicked out of the house, and now I have to decide what my
hill to die on is when it comes to keeping general familial
peace. He's not worth any additional energy expenditure at this
point but I need this to be my sounding board so I don't cross
any lines and let my emotional baggage influence the
expectations that I place on him.
[/quote]
I'm so sorry that you have been put in this position!
#Post#: 44479--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: HenrysMom Date: December 31, 2019, 1:03 am
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I always found it amusing (not) that people will say “Well
(he/she/they) are sensitive, so you need to be considerate and
(do/not do anything to set them off, usually causing you
inconvenience/angst/embarrassment).” In the meantime, the
“sensitive” person is crapping all over everyone else’s
sensibilities.
My response is “Well, I’m sensitive too, where’s the
consideration for me?”
#Post#: 44488--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Rose Red Date: December 31, 2019, 6:50 am
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[quote author=HenrysMom link=topic=1379.msg44479#msg44479
date=1577775814]
I always found it amusing (not) that people will say “Well
(he/she/they) are sensitive, so you need to be considerate and
(do/not do anything to set them off, usually causing you
inconvenience/angst/embarrassment).” In the meantime, the
“sensitive” person is crapping all over everyone else’s
sensibilities.
My response is “Well, I’m sensitive too, where’s the
consideration for me?”
[/quote]
Same with "That's the way I/he/she is." Then they get offended
if you respond with "And this is the way *I* am." ::)
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