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#Post#: 41030--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: Tea Drinker Date: October 25, 2019, 9:57 am
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If you want to take it in the "why are you even mentioning
that?" direction (about actors, waiters, etc.), a pattern of
"yeah, so? He's also a brunette" (or "wearing a blue shirt" or,
if it's an actor who you know something about, "Did you know
he's from Houston" or "and he's a baseball fan" or some other
irrelevant, uncontroversial fact about the person) might work as
part of the "so what? can't we talk about something more
interesting?" approach. Along with "maybe he's gay, but what
matters is he's going to bring us a pizza. So, can we get
anchovies on half?"
If he's thinking out loud and doesn't strongly prejudiced but
thinks of LGBT people as "other," the "so what?"/"why does that
matter?" might work. But there's a risk that it would instead
lead to something like "doesn't it bother you that our waiter is
gay?" and start the argument you don't want to have.
#Post#: 41049--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: Gellchom Date: October 25, 2019, 1:16 pm
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Great advice from everyone. I would use Toots's approach.
Don't educate or argue, just let him know you don't like it and
ask him please not to talk like that around you.
There is an awful lot of space between never saying a word and
“stop with the homophobic comments or I’m not coming to see you
again," especially if you haven't ever mentioned it bothers
you.
#Post#: 41050--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: lakey Date: October 25, 2019, 1:34 pm
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I think that your response to this would depend on the result
that you want.
Do you simply want it to stop?
Do you want to get into a discussion/argument to correct his
views?
My personal preference would be the first. I consider other
people's sexual orientation, ethnic background, political views,
religious views to be none of my business. I prefer not to deal
with other people's issues. To me, life is too short to waste it
on negativity that is going to lead nowhere, but to more
confrontation. Therefore my response to Dad probably would be,
"None of our business." Hopefully, after a few rounds of this,
he would get the hint and stop bringing it up.
If you want to get into a discussion/argument to correct his
views, go with many of the suggestions from above commenters,
but understand that you are inviting him to air his views on the
subject. I would get into this if he were denigrating people,
especially in public. If he is doing this in a way that is
embarrassing to waiters, I would probably tell him to stop it,
or I would stop going to restaurants with him. It doesn't sound
like this is what he's doing.
#Post#: 41107--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: MOM21SON Date: October 26, 2019, 6:46 pm
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My father is almost 83. He defeated death 3 times. He is
racist, against gays, but thinks the world of his kids and
grandkids. Kids, 1 a drug addict, 1 mentally ill, and me,
average, lol. Step kids he has raised, 1 gay, one has a gay
child, one just trying to be a trophy wife. My cousins, on his
side have biracial children. My favorite response is ok. Then
he says, "I guess I shouldn't say that, huh?" I say No, you
shouldn't.
He moves on until the next time.
#Post#: 41108--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: lisastitch Date: October 26, 2019, 6:59 pm
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[quote author=Hanna link=topic=1379.msg41028#msg41028
date=1572014787]
Whenever anyone goes on like this about any group different than
themselves I wonder why it’s such a sore spot with them. Without
any other evidence, I usually attribute it to lack of
experience and knowledge, along with discomfort and curiosity
translated into judgement.
I wonder how your Dad would respond if you said, “I’ve noticed
you point that out frequently Dad. It seems like it makes you
uncomfortable. Have you ever known anyone that was gay?” And
then just engaged him in a non-confrontational discussion about
it.
We have an 87 year old friend that never knowingly met a gay
person in her life, until faced with the decision to hire an
organist who was married and out. Watching her attitude change
and grow as a result of this was amazing and gave me more faith
in humanity. I know it’s not always that way with people, but it
really was wonderful.
[/quote]
And as a follow-up to this--
I'm assuming (since you're an adult, and I have adult children)
that your dad and I are of roughly the same generation. When I
was growing up, I was not aware of knowing anyone who was gay.
Obviously, some of them were, but this fact about them did not
come out until much later in my life. There has been a real sea
change in attitudes towards and about the whole LGBTQ+ society
in my lifetime.
I was raised to treat everyone with respect and I live in a very
diverse area, so it was easy to transition to "Okay, different
sexual orientation, but a person, and that's the most important
thing". I am wondering if your dad is processing these changes.
You can't give us his tone of voice (which could make a real
difference in my thoughts!)--if all he's doing is commenting on
someone's sexual orientation, I don't necessarily see that as
homophobic. So if he said, "Our waiter's gay", I might respond,
"Yes, and he's wearing a blue shirt", trying to move sexual
orientation into a fact about the person that is of no more
importance than the color of his shirt. And from there, maybe
move into, "Dad, why does our waiter's sexual orientation
matter?"
There may be some real prejudices there, but there may also be a
lot of ignorance at work. Gently challenging some of his
preconceptions and prejudices may help him overcome them--which
will be really important if there is a chance that some day you
may wind up with a same-sex partner!
Good luck.
#Post#: 41121--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: Lkdrymom Date: October 27, 2019, 10:38 am
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"Dad, why do you feel the need to comment on a person's s*xual
orientation? How is this relevant to ANYTHING?"
#Post#: 41132--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: HenrysMom Date: October 27, 2019, 3:01 pm
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If your father is prone to commenting in public, first confront
him when he makes a remark inside the house using any one of the
statement other posters have provided. Then, if he comments
publicly, say “please, Dad, not in public.”
I had several relatives, who as they got older, would start
making public comments about a person’s whatever and I would use
that phrase - it usually worked on them until they became so
“unrestrained” (IDK what else to call it, due to strokes,
disease, etc.) that they would say “but they are” which would
lead me to say something like “sorry, Alzheimer’s” or stroke,
dementia, etc. to the person in question. Not that it excuses
the lapse in manners, but does provide an explanation - most
people have dealt with elderly relatives and usually understand.
#Post#: 41154--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: bopper Date: October 28, 2019, 9:06 am
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You need to make this your father's problem.
Tell him 1 time: "I need you not to make comments about gay
people around me. I am not telling you what to think, I am
telling you what I need when I am around you."
Then consider leaving everytime he says something like that. If
your mom wants to see you, she can 1) put pressure on him to
stop 2) see you independently.
#Post#: 41189--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: Kimberami Date: October 29, 2019, 7:34 am
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It is nearly impossible to change someone that doesn't want to
change. You can only change your reaction to how they act and
speak. I spent years trying to rationalize, justify, modify, and
temper my father. It didn't work, and it ruined my relationship
with him. Worse, it made me sit back and second guess my life
choices. He's been gone for 8 years, and I still feel resentful.
If I could go back, I would do a single "You hurt my feelings
when you talk like that." After that, I would walk away whenever
he started to speak in a way that hurt me.
#Post#: 41190--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: Dazi Date: October 29, 2019, 7:56 am
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I don't know how old your father is it his medical history, but
I do work with the elderly population. You don't have to answer
these to the forum, just think about the answers...
Many of my elderly clients have had strokes or some type of
dementia. Often times with the dementias, family members don't
realize their behavior is caused by the dementia or they don't
realize they have dementia to begin with. Strokes and dementias
can result in absolutely NO brain to mouth filter. Granted,
there are other medical issues that can cause these, as well as
substance abuse, and medication side effects (or unintentional
misuse/not taking as prescribed).
So my question to you is, does your father have a possible
medical condition that is devolving his ability to reason or
impulse control? Has he had a previous stroke? Has he been
diagnosed with dementia or do you suspect he had dementia? Has
he always made homophobic comments? If he has, has it just
gotten worse? If you're not sure, depending on his age, it might
be a good idea to have him evaluated by a doctor.
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