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#Post#: 40996--------------------------------------------------
Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments. Update #22
By: Victoria Date: October 24, 2019, 4:28 pm
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Over the past few years when I’ve visited my parents, my dad has
reflexively made homophobic comments about anything “gay” that
he sees. As in, “We don’t watch Modern Family because of the gay
couple” or when a certain actor appears on screen and we’re
talking about them, if the person’s gay he’ll always remark
something like, “Yeah, but he’s gay.” Or if we interact with
someone it’ll be “our waiter seemed gay.” Largely no one
interacts/responds with these comments, but he seems to be
comfortable just...thinking out loud.
I’ve bitten my tongue for a long time on this issue, but I’m
bisexual and neither of my parents know that. I’ve never felt
the need to “come out” because I don’t think it’s anyone’s
business (unless I find a girl I like, I guess), and I’ve never
gone out of my way to hide it. However, I’ve started feeling
more and more resentful of these comments, and more and more
like I should say something. I just don’t know what.
Historically this hasn’t been my hill to die on, and I don’t
know if I’m willing to say “stop with the homophobic comments or
I’m not coming to see you again” because my mom is still around.
I’m not looking for magic words, and I know that he has
deeply-ingrained beliefs that I don’t feel like I’m going to
change his mind. I don’t care if I do or not. I really just want
to be able to be around my family without hearing disparaging
comments. I really do consider this an etiquette issue, because
when I visit my home state I stay in my parents’ house. I also
recognize that this is a sensitive topic for a lot of us, so if
for some reason this post gets locked/removed, I understand that
too.
#Post#: 40998--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: LadyX Date: October 24, 2019, 4:53 pm
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READ ME
While this is a sensitive topic and can be an inflammatory one,
I am letting it go on because I don't want Victoria to feel
disenfranchised in this community and I think people here can
give her some quality advice.
Stick strictly to the topic at hand of how this OP can try and
handle her father's comments. Any posts that go off on
tangents, soap-boxing, or agendas will be removed.
Think carefully before you post.
Thank-you.
#Post#: 40999--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: TootsNYC Date: October 24, 2019, 5:41 pm
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I think that sometimes the way to handle these things is to make
it about them not making you uncomfortable. You have a
preference, and you're asking them to not do something that
bothers you.
I'm trying to think of an analogy. Like maybe a certain perfume
makes you think of someone unpleasant, so you ask them not to
wear it.
So maybe something like, "Dad, I wish you wouldn't keep
remarking on that. It bothers me."
And when he asks you why, don't really get into it; just stick
with the "It bothers me" idea.
So maybe, "It feels so unnecessary, and I don't like focusing on
whether someone is gay or not. Please, would you just honor my
request?"
There's also the whole "why is this such a thing with you? Why
do you care? I wish you could just set it down."
Oh--I know what I'm thinking of, as an analogy. I live in an
apartment building, and you can hear our neighbors overhead, and
you can hear the elevator. My dad was always commenting on it.
Which made me then focus on it, and it bothered me.
So I said, "Dad, would you please not comment on this all the
time? I know that sound is there, but I prefer not to think
about it."
It's not QUITE the same, but I think it might be closely
similar.
I'm perfectly happy to live with people in my world who are gay,
but I really don't want to focus on it. I just don't want to
spend my brain space on it.
I don't mind the elevator noises either--it's just life. But I
don't want to constantly be talking about it or thinking about
it.
So I wonder if that sort of "this is bothersome to me, would you
please stop?" would get him to see.
*******
You could also just start with observations (like Carolyn Hax's
technique for "not criticizing" someone's crappy boyfriend).
"You seem to mention people's gayness a lot, Dad."
He says, "that guy's gay," and you say, "Just like that guy on
the other show--you pointed that out too."
And eventually, "Is there a reason you keep repeating this stuff
about whether people are gay?"
But that might get into "trying to change his mind" territory
when really you just want him to stop. So maybe leave off the
"why" and focus on "it's getting old, Dad. Kinda boring."
oooh--"tiresome." That's a good word. It's not really
insulting, but it is kinda; much more negative than "boring."
Good luck!
It is really tiresome.
I wonder if he realizes himself how fixated he is on it.
#Post#: 41000--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: TootsNYC Date: October 24, 2019, 5:45 pm
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Another possible thing
You could say, "I don't share your opinion about homosexuality,
Dad. But I don't keep talking to you about it. I let our
differences just lie there, unsaid, so we can have a pleasant
visit. I am asking you to have the same courtesy toward me."
(You may stay with them, but you are guest in their home, and
THEY have the burden to make you comfortable, actually.
Americans sometimes get this totally wrong, with their "it's my
house..." kind of thing. And if they want you to stay with
them--they do, right?--instead of in a hotel, and instead of
coming for just dinner, then they should want you to be
comfortable, and not make comments that make you UNcomfortable.)
#Post#: 41002--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: sandisadie Date: October 24, 2019, 6:15 pm
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I hope this is not off the mark. Several years ago I was
visiting a close relative and her husband for two weeks. I knew
that he was a very racist person and had always been that way.
After about a week of listening to these remarks in almost every
conversation I had had enough, so I said "I would appreciate it
if you would stop these kinds of remarks while I'm here". He
looked shocked but I heard no more during that visit. You can't
make people stop being the way they are, but I don't think you
have to always keep your thoughts to yourself. I can imagine
that your Dad doesn't realize that what he keeps saying makes
you uncomfortable.
#Post#: 41007--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: Bada Date: October 24, 2019, 9:59 pm
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Where the comment is solely about an actor's s personal life,
where his/her sexuality is completely irrelevant (as opposed to
a show where it's relevant to the plot), could you say "What
does that have to do with anything?" or "Does that affect his
acting ability?" Or even "Who cares? I think she's a good
actor." I wonder if pointing out that one aspect of the actor's
life doesn't impact his/her on-screen presence or acting ability
would help him acknowledge or recognize it doesn't matter?
#Post#: 41013--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: Aleko Date: October 25, 2019, 4:37 am
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I think there are a whole range of possible comments along the
lines of 'Oh please, Dad! Banging on about actors or TV
characters being gay is irrelevant / unnecessary / tiresome /
offensive to me and a whole load of other people, whether they
personally are gay or not. Just give it a rest, OK?' - that
shouldn't cause a breach of the peace and might, if you kept at
it, train him not to come out with these remarks at every
possible opportunity.
I wouldn't try the Carolyn Hax tack of 'is there a reason why
gayness is constantly on your mind? Is there something you're
trying to tell us?' unless the first approach fails.
#Post#: 41020--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: hjaye Date: October 25, 2019, 8:31 am
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Here is something I have found that has had some success in
getting someone to stop talking.
I have found that those people who are so adamantly against
homosexuality will typically say that a person is gay because
that is what they have chosen to be. that we get to decide our
sexuality. Once I get them to admit to that way of thinking I
will say "That is in interesting view point. I'm interested in
knowing about the point in your life where you decided you
didn't want to follow your homosexual tendencies, and chose to
be straight rather than be gay. Was it a difficult decision?"
Typically there will be some kind of spluttering and a vehement
denial that they have never in their life had any kind of
thoughts or urgers to engage in homosexual conduct. I then point
out that just as they have never had an inclination towards any
member of their sex, a gay or bisexual person has not made that
decision either, it is who they are. I've never had it change
anyone's mind, but it has shut them up, which I think is the
best one can hope for.
#Post#: 41028--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: Hanna Date: October 25, 2019, 9:46 am
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Whenever anyone goes on like this about any group different than
themselves I wonder why it’s such a sore spot with them. Without
any other evidence, I usually attribute it to lack of
experience and knowledge, along with discomfort and curiosity
translated into judgement.
I wonder how your Dad would respond if you said, “I’ve noticed
you point that out frequently Dad. It seems like it makes you
uncomfortable. Have you ever known anyone that was gay?” And
then just engaged him in a non-confrontational discussion about
it.
We have an 87 year old friend that never knowingly met a gay
person in her life, until faced with the decision to hire an
organist who was married and out. Watching her attitude change
and grow as a result of this was amazing and gave me more faith
in humanity. I know it’s not always that way with people, but it
really was wonderful.
#Post#: 41029--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking my dad not to making homophobic comments.
By: Hmmm Date: October 25, 2019, 9:48 am
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I'm sorry you are going through this. Depending on your Dad's
personality, I think there two ways to approach.
If you Dad is normally open to discussions, just ask him to not
make those types of remarks, and preferably in private and not
just right after one of the remarks. "Dad, please don't make
those types of remarks. It makes me very uncomfortable and is
disappointing to me to hear you criticize people based solely on
their sexual orientation. You wouldn't make those remarks about
race or religion so please don't do them on sexual orientation."
If he is not the above, I'd go with a more confrontational
approach right after the remark. "Dad, you seem to be very
focused on people's sexual orientation. Why is that? Is there
something you need to share with the family?"
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