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#Post#: 40603--------------------------------------------------
It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it? Update #13
By: NFPwife Date: October 17, 2019, 3:52 pm
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I just finished a spirited discussion with a family member and
want to run this past all of you.
A local consignment store gives things that don't sell to
children in foster care and the foster families who care for
them. I have some luggage that is in nice shape but it's not
functional for air travel. (IMO. I used it when I drove to
places and it was fine, when I started flying, it became a pain.
The wheels aren't spinner wheels and the size of it is more wide
than high. I replaced the set with hardshell, spinner luggage.)
I mentioned to my cousin that I was going to ask Amy, who owns
the store, if she would just pass the luggage set straight
through to a foster child(ren) without first trying to sell it
because a foster child might really like this luggage.
Cousin said I shouldn't ask because I'm "harming Amy's
livelihood" and "taking money from Amy" because Amy wouldn't
have a chance to get her share of the sales price if the luggage
sold. I said, "Eh, maybe, but it wouldn't hurt to ask. If Amy
wants to try to sell it first, she can say so." (FWIW, I've sold
one hardshell that got on my nerves there. They told me it sold
quickly. This set could sell, because, again, it looks good and
is nice for road trips.)
Cousin's position is that it can hurt to ask - hurt my
relationship with Amy and my "reputation." (I swear there was a
slight implication that I'm damaging the "family name" because
we all live in a small town.)
I said, "What reputation? That I want foster kids to have nice
luggage?!" To which cousin said that I could just donate it
directly to the foster care agency. "Fair point, but that's a
huge hassle. The county agency is 18 miles away, I'd have to
make calls and arrangements, blah, blah, blah. Amy has the
relationship with them and does regular donations, so these
could go when she does that." (Basically, I'm a lady who wants
foster kids to have nice luggage if it's easy for me to donate
it.)
I changed the topic of conversation because it was going
nowhere.
To add to this, Amy has asked me for some things for the foster
kids. They were having a dinner/ dance and Amy asked if I had
dresses or formal wear for the kids or their carers - just to
loan, I wouldn't have to consign. I loaned a couple dresses and
some fancy coats, clutches, and accessories. I got one dress
from my mom. Amy got everything back to me and thanked me. Amy
has also called me when they're low on clothes in my size in the
store to see if I had anything I wanted to consign and has
encouraged me to break the consignment rules around how much and
when you're allowed to bring things in. (That's another thread
actually, someone came up to me in the parking lot to "educate"
me that that month wasn't a clothing month when it was obvious I
was taking in clothes.) I have an email from Amy that says,
"Ignore the guidelines, your things sell, you can bring in
anything, anytime."
I take cousin's point that Amy might prefer to consign the
luggage and sell it, especially when she encourages me to sell
with her, but I think that she has such a commitment to the
cause that she wouldn't be offended if I ask that she pass the
luggage straight through.
In this situation, does it hurt to ask?
#Post#: 40606--------------------------------------------------
Re: It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it?
By: Hanna Date: October 17, 2019, 4:20 pm
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I think your Cousin is being ridiculous. And that she got more
intense when you didn’t agree with her position, doubling down
with the reputation comment.
Foster kids need luggage and it’s hard to imagine anyone who
supports and donates regularly begrudging you asking her to pass
anything along to a child in need.
#Post#: 40611--------------------------------------------------
Re: It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it?
By: Sycorax Date: October 17, 2019, 6:10 pm
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I definitely don't think it hurts to ask in this situation,
especially if you tell Amy about how/why the luggage isn't good
for air travel.
#Post#: 40616--------------------------------------------------
Re: It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it?
By: gmatoy Date: October 17, 2019, 7:12 pm
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As someone who has several friends that did foster to adopt, and
loves that you have a heart for these children, I think you ask
upfront and listen when she answers. Oh, and ignore your cousin.
I've lived in a small town and your actions, in this case,
aren't going to harm her at all.
#Post#: 40619--------------------------------------------------
Re: It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it?
By: lakey Date: October 17, 2019, 9:08 pm
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Absolutely bring this up with Amy. She's already acted as a
go-between to get things from you for the foster children. She
knows what her own needs and limits are, and if she has a
problem with this, she can tell you. As others have said, I've
know people involved in foster care, and this is something that
there would be a particular need for. Amy would know this better
than your cousin.
#Post#: 40621--------------------------------------------------
Re: It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it?
By: andi Date: October 17, 2019, 9:47 pm
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I vote for ask. The worst thing that she can say is no that she
hast to try to consign it first. It’s her business and she can
run it the way she sees fit.
#Post#: 40627--------------------------------------------------
Re: It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: October 18, 2019, 7:26 am
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It sounds like you have friendship with Amy and you are not just
a customer. (I would never ask a customer to borrow dresses for
myself or even an organization.) So, I think it's fine to ask
her to direct the luggage to the foster agency. She could say no
and then you would get to decide if you still want to give it to
her or donate it directly to the agency.
If that friendship was not in place, I would not ask Amy. I
would give her the luggage and let her decide what to do with
it. If she profited, awesome! She obviously gives a lot to this
agency so her staying in business is important to continue doing
that. If it goes to the foster agency, that's great, too! If I
really wanted it to go to the agency, then I would have to be
inconvenienced and find a way to get it to them directly.
As far as ruining the family name, cousin is being over
dramatic! This is not such a wild request that I would be upset.
Even if I did not want to honor your request and donate directly
to the foster agency, I would not think you were doing something
so offensive. And even if I did find it tacky, I wouldn't
necessarily think less of you and certainly not your entire
family!!!
#Post#: 40630--------------------------------------------------
Re: It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it?
By: Hmmm Date: October 18, 2019, 8:14 am
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I think it's all about how you present the request for the favor
of delivering your donation to the foster agency. Since Amy has
asked you for favors in the past, I think your request is
reasonable. You're simply stating "I'm not interested in
consigning this piece but thought it might be of use to the
foster kids. Would you mind delivering it to them the next time
you do another donation? You can claim the tax donation if you
want."
If Amy balks and suggests that you instead consign it first,
just say that no, you'll figure out a different way to make the
donation.
To me it sounds like your cousin is missing your main goal; you
want to donate something, you are not interested in the piece
being sold for profit by you with Amy getting a small commission
on the sale. I also see no reason you'd just give it to Amy to
sell and have her take all of the profit from the sale.
I will say that if Amy had not asked you for favors in the past,
I would not be asking her to do this errand.
#Post#: 40634--------------------------------------------------
Re: It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it?
By: NFPwife Date: October 18, 2019, 8:41 am
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Thanks all! They open at 10 so I'm calling then.
DaDancingPsych and Hmmm - those were my thoughts about the
relationship and the favors, Amy's asked me for favors for the
foster agency specifically and, in a lesser way, for her
business when she seeks out a consignment from me so I feel
comfortable asking back.
Here's an interesting update - cousin told my mom about this!
Apparently my mom had called cousin about something unrelated (I
made sure to ask who called whom!) and cousin brought up the
luggage situation. Cousin was still upset and thought I
shouldn't ask and I was hurting Amy's business and then said "I
shop there! I don't want Amy upset with our whole family!" My
mom was laughing when she told me and said I should definitely
ask. My mom has a theory that cousin wants the luggage but after
I said that I wanted it to go to foster kids she couldn't ask
for it directly so if cousin gets me to consign it, cousin can
buy it. (It's the same thing my husband said when I got off the
phone with cousin. They may be on to something.)
The whole conversation about the luggage with cousin started
when I said I'm saving for a bathroom and kitchen remodel and
need to get the basement in shape because we'll have to set up a
little kitchenette down there. Basically, what I need to get rid
of in the root cellar to do that. The bit about the luggage and
asking Amy was just me thinking out loud.
#Post#: 40636--------------------------------------------------
Re: It doesn't hurt to ask. Or does it?
By: Titanica Date: October 18, 2019, 9:10 am
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Too late! You thought of it, you're whole family's entire
reputation is shot. Really, you all just might as well move out
of that town right now, and get as far away as you can.
Seriously? Yes, your cousin is ridiculous. Or there is an
ulterior motive there (or both). Don't give it a second
thought.
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