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#Post#: 39718--------------------------------------------------
Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: Gellchom Date: October 2, 2019, 2:53 pm
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Carolyn Hax's column yesterday (second question) includes at
least two issues we often discuss: last-minute invitations when
someone cancels, and inviting only one spouse to a wedding.
HTML https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/mother-in-laws-silent-treatment-calls-for-new-strategy/2019/10/01/38faf364-e14d-11e9-be96-6adb81821e90_story.html
Now, usually, we frown on both those things -- many people call
such an invitation a "B List" invitation, and everyone knows the
rule that you have to invite both spouses to occasions like
weddings.
But here's what happened: the LO's sister-in-law (apparently his
wife's sister) was invited to a wedding of the daughter of a
friend with a "plus one," but shortly before the wedding, the
plus-one had to cancel. The LW and his wife bumped into the MOB
someplace, and the MOB asked the wife if she would like to
attend the wedding as her sister's plus-one. The LW is outraged
-- how dare the MOB invite a wife without her husband? And what
business is it of hers to choose the plus-one?
I think this was fine, and that the LW is being silly and a
spoilsport (it seems his wife does, too). This is obviously not
a case of inviting only one half of a couple as a slight to the
other. As his wife pointed out to him, she was only being
invited to accompany her sister, whose date could no longer make
it, to her friend's child's wedding. Ditto the last minute
invitation: these people know they are not inner-circle, and a
space opened up, and the MOB offered it to the invited sister's
sister.
It doesn't say, but I would assume that either the original
invitation was not a bring-any-date plus-one situation, but
rather a SO of the invited guest, and that the MOB knew that the
guest was not planning on bringing someone else when the SO
couldn't make it. (The letter was written by the husband, so I
would resolve any ambiguity in his own telling in favor of the
MOB.)
I imagine that the MOB knows the rules about invitations, but
that she had an empty place and was just trying to be nice to
both sisters. Certainly I don't think there is anything for the
LW to be getting bent out of shape over.
I agree with Hax's answer.
#Post#: 39719--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: Runningstar Date: October 2, 2019, 3:19 pm
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Well it made things awkward in any case! I don't think that it
was meant as a terrible slight, but it doesn't seem like a great
idea to me.
#Post#: 39721--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: TootsNYC Date: October 2, 2019, 3:28 pm
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It's not a slight, and it's not a B-list.
It's the bride allowing the original guest to change who her
plus-one is, and indicating that she would approve of a
substitution.
#Post#: 39723--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: Runningstar Date: October 2, 2019, 3:33 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1354.msg39721#msg39721
date=1570048113]
It's not a slight, and it's not a B-list.
It's the bride allowing the original guest to change who her
plus-one is, and indicating that she would approve of a
substitution.
[/quote]
But the invited guest didn't decide on inviting the new
plus-one, the MOB did. Maybe the SIL didn't want to go with the
LW's wife. I have a lot of SIL's, and some are fun, some not so
much. I think that it should be left to the originally invited
person to pick her plus one.
#Post#: 39724--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: jpcher Date: October 2, 2019, 3:37 pm
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[quote author=Runningstar link=topic=1354.msg39723#msg39723
date=1570048399]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1354.msg39721#msg39721
date=1570048113]
It's not a slight, and it's not a B-list.
It's the bride allowing the original guest to change who her
plus-one is, and indicating that she would approve of a
substitution.
[/quote]
But the invited guest didn't decide on inviting the new
plus-one, the MOB did. Maybe the SIL didn't want to go with the
LW's wife. I have a lot of SIL's, and some are fun, some not so
much. I think that it should be left to the originally invited
person to pick her plus one.
[/quote]
Bold above is my thought, exactly. The MOB took it upon herself
to invite a +1 for someone else.
That, in my opinion, is what's wrong with the situation which I
think Hax should have addressed.
#Post#: 39742--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: STiG Date: October 3, 2019, 6:17 am
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I don't see it as a big deal, myself, though I'd check with my
sister to see if she wanted me to accompany her, before
accepting. The husband is a bit of a pill, I think.
However, I do think the MOB erred a bit here. She should have
approached the invited sister and let her know that it was OK
for her to bring someone else, in place of her original date.
And said something like 'Perhaps your sister would like to come
with you?' Then it is up to the invitee to decide what to do.
And if she'd like to invite someone other than her sister, then
it is up to her to clear it with the MOB.
I was invited to a wedding, with a plus-one. I wasn't dating
anyone at the time and planned to go solo. But the bride said
to me that I could just bring a friend, if I wanted. So I
invited a friend who also knew the bride, and let the bride know
who my 'date' was.
#Post#: 39744--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: Hmmm Date: October 3, 2019, 7:44 am
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I don't have a problem with the jest of the idea of the sister
accompanying her sister to the wedding. It is the execution that
was done poorly. MOB should not have extended the invitation to
the wife in front of the husband knowing he was being excluded
(though she may have thought he'd feel like my husband and be
happy to be excluded).
Instead MOB should have called her friend after and suggested
she invite her sister to join her.
Technically, it is always impolite to extend an invitation to
one half of a couple to a couple social event. It is also rude
to extend an invitation to an individual in the presence of
another who could have the expectation of being included.
#Post#: 39751--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: TootsNYC Date: October 3, 2019, 10:16 am
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Oh, I'd missed that--that the MOB made the offer to the
not-invited sister.
yeah, that was not good form.
But I think the husband is overreacting.
#Post#: 39758--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: Chez Miriam Date: October 3, 2019, 11:40 am
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[quote author=Runningstar link=topic=1354.msg39723#msg39723
date=1570048399]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1354.msg39721#msg39721
date=1570048113]
It's not a slight, and it's not a B-list.
It's the bride allowing the original guest to change who her
plus-one is, and indicating that she would approve of a
substitution.
[/quote]
But the invited guest didn't decide on inviting the new
plus-one, the MOB did. Maybe the SIL didn't want to go with the
LW's wife. I have a lot of SIL's, and some are fun, some not so
much. I think that it should be left to the originally invited
person to pick her plus one.
[/quote]
From the response, it seems it was the wife's sister, so the
LW's [husband's] sister-in-law, if that makes a difference.
I've been to a wedding as a plus one [and my (then) partner was
not invited] on my cousin's invite, and I've taken my cousin as
a plus on [instead of my (then) partner], and we were both just
happy to go to a nice wedding of someone we knew less (than the
invited cousin). Neither of our partners was interested in
going.
I think the LW was successful in finding something to be
offended about, but that's only my take - I like weddings,
whereas most blokes I know don't!
#Post#: 39761--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sister invited to accompany sister - Carolyn Hax Oct. 1
By: lowspark Date: October 3, 2019, 12:00 pm
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They ran into the MOB by chance. It sounds to me like it was an
impromptu thought on the part of MOB and she acted upon it. I
don't see it as a faux pas but rather as a generous offer. LW's
wife can accept or decline, but blowing it up into an offense
seems silly to me.
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