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#Post#: 39044--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Lkdrymom Date: September 21, 2019, 11:20 am
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I think the things that glares at me the most is that only ONE
PERSON was actually excluded. Not 6, one! Would it have been
that much of a problem for her to be there? The reasoning
giving was to be with just the people she grew up with.....did
she grow up with the other spouse that attended? This was
directly aimed at the OP. I agree I would not be attending
future 'family' events. And her BF really does need to find out
what the issue his sister had with the OP if there is any chance
at salvaging a relationship.
#Post#: 39061--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: malfoyfan13 Date: September 21, 2019, 6:19 pm
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I really don't get people who make a point to exclude others
from events when it seems like the kind thing to do would be to
include them. My especial pet peeve is "family only" photos
when they exclude people's spouses. I can see boyfriend or
girlfriend, but not spouses. (Yes, this has happened to me,
that's why it sticks in my craw. ;-)
I think this thing was handled badly and I don't blame the OP if
she decides to skip other "family" gatherings. These people
need to get a better sense of what family is and how other
people feel when they're deliberately left out.
#Post#: 39062--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: gramma dishes Date: September 21, 2019, 6:36 pm
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[quote author=malfoyfan13 link=topic=1338.msg39061#msg39061
date=1569107962]
... These people need to get a better sense of what family is
and how other people feel when they're deliberately left out.
[/quote]
I think it might have been okay, or at least closer to okay, if
at least one other person had also been excluded. It's the
knowledge that you were the only one quite deliberately left out
aspect that is so hurtful.
#Post#: 39066--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: TootsNYC Date: September 21, 2019, 8:37 pm
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[quote author=doodlemor link=topic=1338.msg39030#msg39030
date=1569039663]
You mentioned that the inlaw husband attended the ceremony,
Kitty, and that this bothers you. Perhaps this is because you
think that his wife insisted that he be present, and that your
BF didn't insist that you be there.
[/quote]
This might be something to ponder. I think it's pretty
insightful.
#Post#: 39067--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Kitty24816 Date: September 21, 2019, 8:54 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1338.msg39066#msg39066
date=1569116243]
[quote author=doodlemor link=topic=1338.msg39030#msg39030
date=1569039663]
You mentioned that the inlaw husband attended the ceremony,
Kitty, and that this bothers you. Perhaps this is because you
think that his wife insisted that he be present, and that your
BF didn't insist that you be there.
[/quote]
This might be something to ponder. I think it's pretty
insightful.
[/quote]
Yes, this is exactly why I’m bothered. I’m almost more upset
with my BF than the sister, because he’s the one I’m dating and
he should have said something when he saw that the husband was
being included. I realize this isn’t really fair to him. He
offered to ask his sister what was up when he first heard about
this plan and I expressed how upset I was, but I felt that it
would be awkward and pointless. I kind of made peace with the
situation, but then got upset all over again when I heard that
the husband was in fact present. Now BF has offered to talk to
his sister and express that we were upset at how things turned
out, but I told him NOT to do this. I don’t see the point of
stirring up anything, and would rather just file this away for
future info like previous posters suggested. Would you do the
same and discourages BF from talking to his sister at this point
? I just don’t want any “discussions” or even an apology, I just
want to somewhat limit my contact with his family till I’m less
upset about this.
#Post#: 39070--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Copper Horsewoman Date: September 22, 2019, 1:15 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Kitty24816 link=topic=1338.msg39067#msg39067
date=1569117259]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1338.msg39066#msg39066
date=1569116243]
[quote author=doodlemor link=topic=1338.msg39030#msg39030
date=1569039663]
You mentioned that the inlaw husband attended the ceremony,
Kitty, and that this bothers you. Perhaps this is because you
think that his wife insisted that he be present, and that your
BF didn't insist that you be there.
[/quote]
This might be something to ponder. I think it's pretty
insightful.
[/quote]
Yes, this is exactly why I’m bothered. I’m almost more upset
with my BF than the sister, because he’s the one I’m dating and
he should have said something when he saw that the husband was
being included. I realize this isn’t really fair to him. He
offered to ask his sister what was up when he first heard about
this plan and I expressed how upset I was, but I felt that it
would be awkward and pointless. I kind of made peace with the
situation, but then got upset all over again when I heard that
the husband was in fact present. Now BF has offered to talk to
his sister and express that we were upset at how things turned
out, but I told him NOT to do this. I don’t see the point of
stirring up anything, and would rather just file this away for
future info like previous posters suggested. Would you do the
same and discourages BF from talking to his sister at this point
? I just don’t want any “discussions” or even an apology, I just
want to somewhat limit my contact with his family till I’m less
upset about this.
[/quote]
If you intend for this to be a long term relationship, I would
definitely have him talk to his sister. It is very important to
clear the air, and if she is remorseful, sees that what she did
was hurtful and makes even token amends to you, then that gives
you all the chance to repair the relationship you have with his
family. Otherwise, it will fester, at least with you. And
believe me, skipping holidays with his family will be seen as
sulking. It isn't fair for your BF to be stuck in the middle
without giving him to opportunity to help fix things, he knows
his family best.
#Post#: 39085--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Lkdrymom Date: September 22, 2019, 11:51 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think a good approach might be for your BF to talk to his
sister and say how upset HE was about the situation. I do think
BF needs to address it though. Letting it go may lead her to
believe she can pull things like this in the future with out any
repercussions.
#Post#: 39135--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: malfoyfan13 Date: September 23, 2019, 2:31 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree with Lkdrymom about allowing this to slide possibly
causing the same type of thing to happen down the road. We had
an issue like this in our family and I chose NOT to let it go,
because I could see it happening again and again in the future
and I wasn't willing to keep having to accept it.
I also think that if the OP intends for this relationship to be
a keeper, it would be good for the boyfriend to discuss the
situation with the sister in terms of his discomfort with it so
that everyone knows where they stand. It's probably going to be
uncomfortable, but I always prefer to have things out in the
open when possible.
#Post#: 39216--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: NFPwife Date: September 24, 2019, 3:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Kitty24816 link=topic=1338.msg39067#msg39067
date=1569117259]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1338.msg39066#msg39066
date=1569116243]
[quote author=doodlemor link=topic=1338.msg39030#msg39030
date=1569039663]
You mentioned that the inlaw husband attended the ceremony,
Kitty, and that this bothers you. Perhaps this is because you
think that his wife insisted that he be present, and that your
BF didn't insist that you be there.
[/quote]
This might be something to ponder. I think it's pretty
insightful.
[/quote]
Yes, this is exactly why I’m bothered. I’m almost more upset
with my BF than the sister, because he’s the one I’m dating and
he should have said something when he saw that the husband was
being included. I realize this isn’t really fair to him. He
offered to ask his sister what was up when he first heard about
this plan and I expressed how upset I was, but I felt that it
would be awkward and pointless. I kind of made peace with the
situation, but then got upset all over again when I heard that
the husband was in fact present. Now BF has offered to talk to
his sister and express that we were upset at how things turned
out, but I told him NOT to do this. I don’t see the point of
stirring up anything, and would rather just file this away for
future info like previous posters suggested. Would you do the
same and discourages BF from talking to his sister at this point
? I just don’t want any “discussions” or even an apology, I just
want to somewhat limit my contact with his family till I’m less
upset about this.
[/quote]
I think you've identified that you would have liked your
boyfriend to make more of an attempt to advocate for you to be
present. So, in my mind, the solution isn't less time with or
distance from his family, but an honest request for how you'd
like him to treat you and what boundaries you want him to draw
for you. Dating is a good time to assess how he's going to
handle these things in the future. I think spending more time
with his family, while counter-intuitive, will give them a
chance to get to know you and you them. If you're hurt and not
spending time, they're going to conceptualize you as standoffish
and I don't think that's the answer moving forward.
#Post#: 39225--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: TootsNYC Date: September 24, 2019, 5:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I will say that I have some sympathy for your boyfriend in this
situation. There he is, with the other non-family-member there
when you've been excluded, and he feels you should be there, but
if he says something at that time, it's going to be so awkward
for everyone else, not just for his sister and the "interloper."
And his sister who did the inviting might have minded very much,
actually, that this spouse ignored her wishes and crashed the
party. But it was right at the time she was supposed to be
getting married, and what was it going to be like, if she tried
to make him go away?
It's kind of like when people don't invite kids to the wedding,
and all kinds of people acquiesce to this, and then a second
cousin shows up with THEIR kids, and the couple can't really do
anything about it. And so the people who didn't bring their kids
are annoyed at them.
[quote]Now BF has offered to talk to his sister and express that
we were upset at how things turned out,
[/quote]
I do think he could go now and register his objection with his
sister. It should be his objection, not yours. He's upset;
you're hurt. See the distinction?
And point out that the fact that the spouse crashed the event
is proof of how awful it was to leave out people's life
partners. And that you'd both decided to go along with her, but
that this really made it worse, even if she didn't know that he
was coming until he was there. (And if she knew is advance and
didn't invite you, that's an additional problem)
(Personally I think it's beyond the pale to not invite someone's
spouse, and even their life partner, to a wedding, where you
yourself are now requesting the rest of the world to treat you
like a single unit. It's hypocritical in the extreme.)
I can see your urge to just leave it alone. But I wonder if
you'd feel better if he stood up for you, even if it was only to
register an objection, quietly and simply, after the fact: "I
wanted to talk to you about leaving my partner out. I get that
you wanted family only, but it didn't work out that way, and it
was really hurtful. But even besides the hurt--she's my family,
and I was not happy that you deliberately excluded her. Don't do
it again."
And maybe say, "I don't want to debate this. But you have a
right to know that you've had this effect. It wouldn't be fair
for me to be this upset and to hide it from you."
Maybe not a big scene, but maybe him directly saying something
might make it easier for you to rest in the idea that he does
support you, and only got tripped up by logistics.
Though...watch her keep coming back to you to justify why she
did it, and to say you shouldn't be mad.....If she's that type,
then maybe I'd just ask him to be more watchful and more
forceful should it ever happen again.
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