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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 39020--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: Hanna
Date: September 20, 2019, 5:11 pm
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I’d be flummoxed (not exactly hurt) but I think I’d let this go.
Mainly because it was a courthouse wedding and I can’t imagine I
would want to be there unless I was super close with one of the
people getting married.
It was handled in a crappy way.
#Post#: 39024--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: pierrotlunaire0
Date: September 20, 2019, 7:45 pm
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--- Quote from: lakey link ---
>
> This would have bothered me a lot. They seem to have put a lot
of thought and effort into excluding one person. A large group
of people leaving behind ONE person who isn't allowed to come
seems needlessly hurtful. It doesn't look to me like anyone in
that family gave any thought to OP's feelings. I wouldn't make
attending this family's events a priority in my life.
>
--- End Quote ---
Boy, this really encapsulates this for me. It isn't the actual
event to which I have NOT been invited. It's the fact that so
much time and energy has been devoted to excluding me, and
making certain that I know I have been excluded.
I don't know if I would attend Thanksgiving or Christmas either.
I would have to seriously think about if I wanted to associate
with these people, at least not for a very long time.
#Post#: 39027--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: Runningstar
Date: September 20, 2019, 8:14 pm
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That was a thoughtless thing to do to you. I would have felt
hurt, awkward, and upset - and why do this to one person! But
it happened and you lived through it, so now do what is in your
own best interests.
Imo that is most likely to let this go, this time. If down the
road something such as this happens again with your bf's family,
and he allows it, then I'd rethink how I felt. And I'd take the
holidays one at a time making no commitments for the next until
the previous one happens and goes well. If there is some
"family only" turkey bowl played on Thanksgiving - I certainly
wouldn't come at Christmas.
#Post#: 39029--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: Hanna
Date: September 20, 2019, 9:10 pm
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--- Quote from: pierrotlunaire0 link ---
>
> [quote author=lakey link=topic=1338.msg39019#msg39019
date=1569017262]
> This would have bothered me a lot. They seem to have put a lot
of thought and effort into excluding one person. A large group
of people leaving behind ONE person who isn't allowed to come
seems needlessly hurtful. It doesn't look to me like anyone in
that family gave any thought to OP's feelings. I wouldn't make
attending this family's events a priority in my life.
>
--- End Quote ---
Boy, this really encapsulates this for me. It isn't the actual
event to which I have NOT been invited. It's the fact that so
much time and energy has been devoted to excluding me, and
making certain that I know I have been excluded.
I don't know if I would attend Thanksgiving or Christmas either.
I would have to seriously think about if I wanted to associate
with these people, at least not for a very long time.
[/quote]
I think the sister would have lost a great deal of my respect.
But I don’t see where the rest of the family is to blame and I
wouldn’t isolate myself or miss out on holiday things with my SO
because of one person’s very bad manners and thoughtlessness.
Further, I might even give her a bit of a pass for wedding
brain. I don’t think the intent was to hurt the OP.
#Post#: 39030--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: doodlemor
Date: September 20, 2019, 11:21 pm
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Now that boyfriend's sister has shown you who she is - believe
her.
You mentioned that the inlaw husband attended the ceremony,
Kitty, and that this bothers you. Perhaps this is because you
think that his wife insisted that he be present, and that your
BF didn't insist that you be there.
Obviously I know nothing of your BF and is family. If he shows
more alliance to them than he does to you, though, you might
want to rethink the relationship.
#Post#: 39032--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: September 21, 2019, 12:56 am
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Firstly, I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I do think your BF's
family handled this pretty badly.
Generally, I see nothing wrong with wanting a small courthouse
wedding ceremony with just immediate family only, plus spouses.
And it does seem like in this case, only 7 people were invited
(besides the bride and groom).
Where it becomes more problematic is where you have partners who
aren't technically married, but still in a committed
relationship. On one hand, you've only been with your boyfriend
for a relatively short amount of time (18 months) but on the
other hand, you are living together.
Where is becomes even MORE problematic is where you have people
who are travelling from out of town, and would end up being left
on their own in a strange house, in a strange town, (as you
were) if they were to be excluded. It's definitely rude to put
someone in that situation, and it sounds like you were really
gracious about it! (I wonder too, was there anything you could
have done while the ceremony was taking place - eg gone
sightseeing, or for a coffee, or walk, etc? Could you have taken
the car, and gone exploring, or did they effectively leave you
without transport?).
That said, it sounds like your boyfriend is pretty committed to
you, and feels bad about what happened. I'd see that as a good
sign. It's also possible that over time his family will realise
that you're a long-term prospect, and include you in close
family events (unless they are one of those families that only
see partners as "family" after they get married).
#Post#: 39039--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: Aleko
Date: September 21, 2019, 2:49 am
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This is about the rudest bit of bridezilla-ness I've ever heard.
For one thing, of course the way the whole invitation was
delivered sucks. You just don't invite people for Saturday, and
only later mention casually, that you actually demand their
presence on Friday morning. That would be an offence in itself.
Let alone the way the second bit of info was actually delivered.
For another, I have no issues in principle with the idea of
inviting only the birth families to the courthouse ceremony
itself, and having all their other halves join in at the
reception with the other guests. That does create the problem
that most if not all these people will have to travel together
with their other halves, so you are obligated to make sure they
have a pleasant time - perhaps organise an excursion or some
other entertainment? - and aren't just left twiddling their
thumbs for hours.
For third: people who have lived together for a year and a half
- which is longer than many marriages! - are fully entitled to
the status of Significant Others, or Partners, whatever you want
to call it. If spouses and fiancés are included in an event,
you include partners too, unless you take the tack that
unmarried couples are Living In Sin and refuse to countenance
the relationship at all. (In which case you just don't invite
your relative's partner, ever, and risk alienating your relative
permanently. The price you pay for your moral principle.)
For fourth: if you're going to make that blood-relatives/other
halves distinction, you have to stick to it. You can't let in
some other halves and exclude the rest. (I agree that quite
possibly they didn't originally mean to have the fiancé attend
either but a fuss was made and they just caved; but at that
point they should have included Kitty also.)
For fifth: however you have drawn up your categories, if the
result is that just one person is going to be left out in the
cold, you redraw them.
On all these counts, the bride is guilty.
PS: I take serious issue with the statement that 'your wedding
is the "one day" when you dictate to get exactly what you want'.
Oh, no it isn't! You don't have the right to hurt or insult any
of your guests, nor arrange things so that they will clearly
have a lousy time, even if you want to. If you don't like
someone, bite the bullet and don't invite them: but the
fundamental duties of hospitality are sacred and are binding on
everyone, even brides.
#Post#: 39040--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: oogyda
Date: September 21, 2019, 7:11 am
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--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
>
>
>
> For fifth:[b] however you have drawn up your categories, if
the result is that just one person is going to be left out in
the cold, you redraw them.[/b]
>
> On all these counts, the bride is guilty.
>
>
>
> PS: I take serious issue with the statement that 'your wedding
is the "one day" when you dictate to get exactly what you want'.
Oh, no it isn't! You don't have the right to hurt or insult any
of your guests, nor arrange things so that they will clearly
have a lousy time, even if you want to. If you don't like
someone, bite the bullet and don't invite them: but the
fundamental duties of hospitality are sacred and are binding on
everyone, even brides.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think this is what I agree with most.
#Post#: 39042--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: Winterlight
Date: September 21, 2019, 8:35 am
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I think the bride and groom screwed up badly here. I wouldn't
make it a hill to die on, but I would keep it in mind for the
future and for how far out of my way I'd be willing to go for
them. Not holding a grudge, just knowing that I'm willing to do
a lot for family, and that this person doesn't consider me to be
part of it, so I'm not going to put myself out for them because
I'd end up feeling resentful.
#Post#: 39043--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
DIR By: Hanna
Date: September 21, 2019, 10:39 am
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--- Quote from: Winterlight link ---
>
> I think the bride and groom screwed up badly here. I wouldn't
make it a hill to die on, but I would keep it in mind for the
future and for how far out of my way I'd be willing to go for
them. Not holding a grudge, just knowing that I'm willing to do
a lot for family, and that this person doesn't consider me to be
part of it, so I'm not going to put myself out for them because
I'd end up feeling resentful.
>
--- End Quote ---
Totally agree with this
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