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#Post#: 38974--------------------------------------------------
“Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Kitty24816 Date: September 20, 2019, 9:34 am
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I recently encountered this situation and had a pretty visceral
reaction, but would love to get some unbiased viewpoints . I was
with my boyfriend “James” at his family’s house for dinner, and
the topic came up of an event that his family was organizing out
of state. Boyfriend and I were both invited, and when the topic
of this event came up over dinner, we mentioned that we were
driving down Friday night. His sister said that we actually need
to be there Friday morning for an “ extra special event”. When
BF asked her more about it, she said “shh, I don’t want to talk
about it now because not everyone here is invited”. She hadn’t
even told anyone about the extra portion of the event, but
apparently attendance was “mandatory”. BF and I had been
planning to drive down Friday night, so he was annoyed that
nobody had told him about this important part of the event that
he was expected to attend.
At first he assumed that I must be invited, and it was the
cousins at the dinner who were not invited, because he couldn’t
imagine that his sister would be so rude as to say that with me
sitting right next to her. But a few days before the event his
sister called him and told him that it was actually only for
immediate family. I was pretty upset, but neither of us felt
that we could say anything, since it was her event. It made me
feel a little better that his sister’s fiance had invited his
sister, but not her husband, so it seems like it really was
immediate family only. BF said he agreed with my sense of
annoyance, but that his sister wanted “just the people she grew
up with” to be present at this one small part of the event. I
still felt that the way it was communicated was rude, and BF
agreed and apologized for his family.
The plan was for me and BF to stay at his family’s house, and
they would all go for this “family only” event for a couple
hours while I did my own thing. My first question is whether it
is polite to leave a houseguest in your home while everyone else
goes to an event that the guest is not invited to.
Unfortunately, what ended up happening was that the husband of
the fiancé’s sister did end up attending the event, so basically
I was the only one who was excluded because I’m the
“girlfriend”. It felt like they went to all this trouble just to
exclude one person.
For some background, BF and I have been together for a year and
a half and we live together. I’ve met his family a number of
times and stayed over at their home, no real problems and they
seem like nice people. I was very upset by this, but would love
to get some input. It has really made me want to spend less time
with his family and maybe pass on the next few events.
#Post#: 38976--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Jem Date: September 20, 2019, 9:45 am
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First off, I would be irritated that the timeline was changed.
There is a world of difference between Friday night and Friday
morning.
Second, this should not have been discussed (or I guess brought
up and then not discussed) as it was.
Third, I think it is fine to have a "family only" discussion or
event, but the timing and handling of this was very off.
I think it matters what is being discussed. I think there are
topics that are appropriate for only the nuclear family, and I
think there are topics that are appropriate for every
"considered" to be family, and I think there are topics that are
appropriate for people who are actually legally related such as
wives and husbands and in-laws but not girlfriends or
boyfriends.
So I guess I am curious what the topic for the "family only"
event was and why it had to be Friday morning.
While it can be hurtful in practice, I do think that there are
valid reasons to treat actual spouses different than girlfriends
or boyfriends. I know at my wedding my SIL really wanted her
then boyfriend and his son in all group professional photos. I
relented and really wish I had not. They are no longer together
and I have complete strangers in my wedding photos.
If anything legal were being discussed I think it does make
sense that the husband was included but not you, even though I
totally get that it is hurtful to you. You may considered
yourself to be "family," but legally you are not.
#Post#: 38977--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Kitty24816 Date: September 20, 2019, 9:54 am
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Thank you, Jem, this is helpful feedback. When we got back home
I told BF that I was very sad and disappointed, and he said that
he “considers me family” and wants me there for everything. But
in practice I’m actually not family, so maybe it makes sense
that his family doesn’t treat me as such. I deliberately held
back what the event was- I’m curious to get a few more opinions
first. It wasn’t really a “private discussion” type of event, it
was just a happy occasion that was being celebrated, but they
kept one part of it just for “immediate family” and apparently
their spouses, but a live-in girlfriend didn’t count. It felt
very awkward that I was the only one not included, and it made
it worse that my own family is far away and I hardly see them
(not relevant to the etiquette of the situation, but it really
impacted me and made me feel very alone at his happy occasion).
#Post#: 38990--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Hanna Date: September 20, 2019, 11:21 am
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I am confused about the fiancé and fiancé's sister.
If it was for immediate family, why was your BF's sister's
fiancé being included?
Are they pregnant?
#Post#: 38992--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: BeagleMommy Date: September 20, 2019, 11:30 am
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This was handled very badly.
If your BF's sister wanted this extra event to be for immediate
family only she could have sent a text or email only to those to
be included or she could have pulled your BF aside to tell him.
I don't blame you for feeling excluded.
#Post#: 39004--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: TootsNYC Date: September 20, 2019, 1:22 pm
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I think his sister broke a huge etiquette rule, which is to not
speak of an event in front of someone who wasn't invited but who
has an expectation of being so.
She should have not been so lazy, and she should have texted
your boyfriend ahead of time and said, "I want to have a
gathering with just the family we grew up with, no spouses or
partners. It's important to me for X reason. But that means
you'd need to come Friday morning, and I'd need to ask if you'd
make apologies to your girlfriend for me."
Or if she hadn't gotten to it yet, she should have said, "Oh, I
wanted to talk to you about Friday, but later."
I can actually see me wanting to get together with just my
siblings, no spouses--especially perhaps in the days when
everyone's relationships were somewhat new. The dynamic is
absolutely different.
But that's not how that broke down.
So I can see why you're hurt.
But I might also ask you to see through to the idea of letting
it go eventually, because the fact that one spouse crashed the
event may not have been something the planner willingly did.
And I will say that the reason the event was "childhood
household only" would make a difference i how hurt I was, were I
in your shoes. I have some sympathy with people's nostalgia, and
the idea that the dynamics change.
(I have a story I may post later, when I have time, that's
similar, in that it involves omitting a family member from a
gathering; I can see both sides, and I'm not sure where I
personally fall)
#Post#: 39006--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Jem Date: September 20, 2019, 1:31 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1338.msg39004#msg39004
date=1569003769]
She should have not been so lazy, and she should have texted
your boyfriend ahead of time and said, "I want to have a
gathering with just the family we grew up with, no spouses or
partners. It's important to me for X reason. But that means
you'd need to come Friday morning, and I'd need to ask if you'd
make apologies to your girlfriend for me."
[/quote]
For me among the biggest problems with how this unfolded is the
expectation that the boyfriend would drive separately to an out
of state event, or would drive with Kitty24816 but I guess drop
her off alone at the location? I think it matters what the
"special family only event" is (as several of us have mentioned
- I am super curious!!!) but no matter WHAT it is to have the
"family only" meeting before the "everyone is welcome" portion
is just poor planning, in my opinion. Far better to have it be
mixed in with the rest of the weekend's events.
I also get the sense that this isn't a "family we grew up with"
thing if the spouses are invited. This whole thing just comes
across as hurtful to me (even though I don't assume it was
intended to be)!
#Post#: 39009--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Kitty24816 Date: September 20, 2019, 2:18 pm
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1338.msg39006#msg39006
date=1569004300]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1338.msg39004#msg39004
date=1569003769]
She should have not been so lazy, and she should have texted
your boyfriend ahead of time and said, "I want to have a
gathering with just the family we grew up with, no spouses or
partners. It's important to me for X reason. But that means
you'd need to come Friday morning, and I'd need to ask if you'd
make apologies to your girlfriend for me."
[/quote]
For me among the biggest problems with how this unfolded is the
expectation that the boyfriend would drive separately to an out
of state event, or would drive with Kitty24816 but I guess drop
her off alone at the location? I think it matters what the
"special family only event" is (as several of us have mentioned
- I am super curious!!!) but no matter WHAT it is to have the
"family only" meeting before the "everyone is welcome" portion
is just poor planning, in my opinion. Far better to have it be
mixed in with the rest of the weekend's events.
I also get the sense that this isn't a "family we grew up with"
thing if the spouses are invited. This whole thing just comes
across as hurtful to me (even though I don't assume it was
intended to be)!
[/quote]
We were all staying at my BF's dad's house, so we would all be
there together Friday morning (BF's dad, two sisters, and fiancé
of the sister who was getting married). Driving separately would
be unreasonable - it's 4+ hours each way. We ended up driving
down Thursday night since the event was early on Friday morning.
I stayed at home while everyone else went to the event.
Now that I've gotten some thoughts, I can tell you that the
"event" taking place that weekend was the wedding of BF's sister
to her fiancé. The event that was "family only" was the actual
"wedding" to be held at the courthouse. Then there was a vow
ceremony and reception later that I was invited to along with
the extended family. Initially BF was told that his sister's
finance had only invited his own sister and not her husband, but
the husband ended up being present at the event (this is a
sticking point for me for some reason). Either he crashed the
party or the finance's sister had some things to say about it,
and they changed their minds and decided to invite him.
Regardless, it was awkward for me when everyone left the house
Friday morning and I stayed there alone - the sister's finance's
parents came over with his sister and her husband and everyone
left. It seems like a lot trouble to go to just to exclude just
one person. BF expressed to me that a similar situation would be
unlikely to occur ever again again in the future, and the only
reason he didn't say anything about it at the time was that your
wedding day is the "one day" when you get to dictate exactly
what you want. I've had a similar situation with his family in
the past though, and I'm really a bit put out. I'm definitely
giving Thanksgiving and Christmas a miss this year, he can go
without me. Wish my own family lived closer. :/
#Post#: 39014--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: Jem Date: September 20, 2019, 3:05 pm
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Based on the “reason” for the “family only” I completely
understand the OP being upset. I would actually have said
something to my BF I think. It doesn’t make sense to exclude you
unless there is some bad blood between the person getting
married and Kitty (which I haven’t heard there is). I simply
cannot understand the reasoning for the exclusion or the BF’s
failure to say, “Of course Kitty will be coming with me!”
I am sorry you had to deal with that, Kitty.
#Post#: 39019--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Shhh, not everyone here is invited”
By: lakey Date: September 20, 2019, 5:07 pm
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This would have bothered me a lot. They seem to have put a lot
of thought and effort into excluding one person. A large group
of people leaving behind ONE person who isn't allowed to come
seems needlessly hurtful. It doesn't look to me like anyone in
that family gave any thought to OP's feelings. I wouldn't make
attending this family's events a priority in my life.
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