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#Post#: 40664--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Gellchom Date: October 18, 2019, 1:22 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1337.msg40646#msg40646
date=1571414249]
[quote]DDs and I don't want to share this trip. [/quote]
I wish we all felt we could just say this sort of thing.
(though it implies that the next trip...)
"We like to keep our vacations as family time--it's really
important to us."
[/quote]
Ouch! This time I'll suggest re-wording to you (assuming the
comment is addressed to a relative, not friends). My husband's
sister said something like that to him once when we invited her
and her family to visit, something like "We just want to be with
family." As opposed to ... her only brother? He's not
"family?" (Not to mention our kids, her only nieblings.)
I certainly understand that sometimes -- often -- you just want
to do things with your spouse and kids; nothing wrong with that.
And I don't think that she was deliberately trying to hurt him.
But of course it stung, and I felt so bad for him. She could so
easily have said something like "just the four of us" or
"unfortunately, that's not going to work out," and gotten the
same message across without the gratuitous slap.
#Post#: 40666--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: oogyda Date: October 18, 2019, 1:43 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1337.msg40646#msg40646
date=1571414249]
[quote]DDs and I don't want to share this trip. [/quote]
I wish we all felt we could just say this sort of thing.
(though it implies that the next trip...)
"We like to keep our vacations as family time--it's really
important to us."
[/quote]
I get what you're saying here. And, to be honest, there are
times I don't mind sharing all or part of a trip. This summer,
for instance, it really was no problem to include Mom's sister
and brother in our stay at a vacation rental to attend GS
graduation. They were interested in the family gathering since
it had been 10 years since they had seen DDs and their families.
It worked because they arranged their own travel and found
things to do.
I don't want limitations on our trip. When I start thinking
about including others, there are physical limitations for Mom
and Sis. Financial limitations for nieces. Scheduling
limitations for many. Nope....I'm going to be selfish this
time.
#Post#: 45152--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: TootsNYC Date: January 8, 2020, 9:07 am
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[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1337.msg40664#msg40664
date=1571422948]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1337.msg40646#msg40646
date=1571414249]
[quote]DDs and I don't want to share this trip. [/quote]
I wish we all felt we could just say this sort of thing.
(though it implies that the next trip...)
"We like to keep our vacations as family time--it's really
important to us."
[/quote]
Ouch! This time I'll suggest re-wording to you (assuming the
comment is addressed to a relative, not friends). My husband's
sister said something like that to him once when we invited her
and her family to visit, something like "We just want to be with
family." As opposed to ... her only brother? He's not
"family?" (Not to mention our kids, her only nieblings.)
I certainly understand that sometimes -- often -- you just want
to do things with your spouse and kids; nothing wrong with that.
And I don't think that she was deliberately trying to hurt him.
But of course it stung, and I felt so bad for him. She could so
easily have said something like "just the four of us" or
"unfortunately, that's not going to work out," and gotten the
same message across without the gratuitous slap.
[/quote]
Except that...Once I had kids, they became my family. My grown
brother is family, but extended family.
I might personally say "our little family." But I would expect
my grown brother to understand what I mean and to not take
offense. Those same letters mean different things.
(I did have a similar experience when trying to arrange a
playdate for my daughter right after we all left the
preschool/daycare. The other mom said, "we're busy with our
friends and family." Well, it's clear we weren't friends. *I*
didn't care, but my daughter missed her friend)
#Post#: 45153--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Rose Red Date: January 8, 2020, 9:10 am
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Since this thread started in September, is there an update? Or
did I miss it?
#Post#: 45207--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: DaDancingPsych Date: January 9, 2020, 9:09 am
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1337.msg45153#msg45153
date=1578496214]
Since this thread started in September, is there an update? Or
did I miss it?
[/quote]
Yes, there has been an update. It has been rather dramatic and
maybe not interesting to anyone. In a nutshell, Bob did not
invite Shelly. Shelly was not happy. The resulting fall-out is
still settling. But if you want the drama, I have tried to
simplify as best as I can and you should note that I don’t
necessarily know all the details. But you are welcome to read…
Bob did decide to continue with his original vacation plan of
taking his immediate family, his parents, and his sister Emily.
He did not invite Shelly and Sam. He did not say anything to
Shelly about these plans, but also did not hide them. They came
out through his mother, which is typical for how most family
news is shared. At first, his mother was talking about the trip
and Shelly seemed fine.
However, it did not take Shelly long to figure out that Emily
would be in attendance. Unfortunately, she reacted in the
fashion that many worried that she would. There were many
dramatic conversations between Shelly and her mother, but in a
nutshell, she basically brought up a lot of unrelated issues
(mostly minor things that were being blown out of proportion)
and she declared that she no longer wanted to be part of the
family. While Shelly’s parents were rather hurt, they were not
surprised by this reaction. Shelly has a tendency to overact
(even if you feel that this reaction is proportional) and to
bring up old grudges. Shelly’s mother tried to smooth things
over and explain the rational (Emily was really acting as an
additional caregiver, Emily had done the same in the past for
Shelly, and Shelly had her own grown children that she was
planning to see), but none of this calmed her. Despite saying
that she wanted nothing to do with the family, her rants went on
for weeks (and she continued to lean on her parents for various
things.) She did admit that she would not have went, as she had
two trips planned to see her own children prior to this.
However, Bob was unaware that any of this going on. Bob’s wife
Betty (who did not have a name in the original post) continued
sending out occasional pictures of their children to the family
as she typically did. After the initiation of the vacation
plans, Betty received no acknowledgement of these pictures from
Shelly, which she thought was strange, but brushed off as Shelly
being busy with some family changes going on with Shelly.
(Shelly’s grown children were going through some major events.)
Then Betty started receiving strange messages (in reference to
these photos) from Shelly. I don’t know the exact wording, but I
believe that they were passive aggressive things implying that
Shelly loved the children even if no one loved her. Betty
thought that they were off, but they were not direct enough that
she could figure out what was going on. Again, she brushed it
off as Betty dealing with her own life.
This went on from September until Thanksgiving (November.) Bob
and Betty were still unaware that there were any issues. Despite
disowning the family, Shelly accepted the invitation to her
parents’ Thanksgiving meal. She arrived early, hung around for a
couple of hours, and when Bob and Betty arrived, she abruptly
left. No good bye to anyone. Just left. Then she group texted
everyone saying that they left because they don’t feel welcome
and loved. This was all obviously pre-planned and meant to be a
stab.
Betty sent a picture message of the children (again, normal)
expressing that the kids missed their Aunt Shelly and Uncle Sam.
Shelly sent another PA response. Betty (not one to avoid
confrontation as the rest of the family obviously does) could
take no more. I am not sure how she responded, but something
along the lines that there was obviously a problem and that
Shelly should address it directly. Bob did step in and that is
when Shelly confessed that she was upset about the vacation,
other little things that Bob was unaware of, as well as dealing
with her own grown children’s life changes. Bob did apologize
and agreed to fix most of the small things, and even offered his
empathy over Shelly’s tricky life situations. He also asked
Shelly to please be direct if there is an issue; that he could
not fix or address anything if he was unaware.
Bob seems to think that things are smoothed over. Others who
know Shelly feel like she’s not the type to let things go, so
this will come back up again. The trip will happen in a few
weeks; just about the time that one of her children is moving
across country. So, there is potential that she will lash out
again. The story is likely not over.
In my original post, I made Sam out to be the problem. Through
all of this, he has been quiet; almost like he doesn’t care one
way or another. I think that he understands that he would not
have liked this trip and that his resources were better focused
towards the trips to see his grown step-children. I also find it
interesting that the entire problem seems to be about Emily and
yet no one seems upset with her.
That’s way too much drama for me!
#Post#: 45208--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Rose Red Date: January 9, 2020, 9:58 am
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Wow.
I think everybody should just ignore Shelly's temper tantrums
like one would a toddler. Like a toddler, she may stop if she
doesn't get the attention she's craving. If she leave when Bob
and Betty arrives, oh well. That's her choice. She's the one
missing out on family time.
From experience, it's exhausting trying to constantly reassure
people like this that they are loved and needed and their
company is desired above all others ::). Stop playing her game.
You won't win. She can start acting like a big girl or die mad
believing she's a victim.
#Post#: 45213--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Winterlight Date: January 9, 2020, 11:33 am
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I don't think the problem is about Emily, really, it's about
Shelly's need to have things her way. She wouldn't be going on
the trip, but she's mad she wasn't invited. It's ridiculous.
#Post#: 45215--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: lakey Date: January 9, 2020, 12:34 pm
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Shelly is exhibiting one of those unfortunate behavior patterns
that results in the person wanting a certain reaction, but
behaving in a way that gets the opposite from what she wants.
There are people who crave emotional support and attention, but
behave in ways that drive others away. You'll see this with
certain children in school. They want to be liked so much that
they push way too hard with the result that other children
dislike them. In some schools, the school social worker will
work with the child on better ways to interact with others.
It's harder to deal with, with an adult because this can be a
behavior that they've engaged in for years, with at least some
people giving in to their "sensitivity". I think that the best
way to deal with this is to ignore it. Pretend not to notice.
Don't respond at all. When she sends a passive aggressive "poor
me" message, don't respond. There's always the chance she'll get
the message.
#Post#: 45242--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Aleko Date: January 10, 2020, 1:13 am
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[quote]When she sends a passive aggressive "poor me" message,
don't respond. There's always the chance she'll get the
message.[/quote]
And even if she doesn't ever get it, she'll eventually tire of
putting all that effort in for no payback.
#Post#: 45252--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Rose Red Date: January 10, 2020, 8:39 am
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We all dislike the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way" because
that's a non-apology and often used incorrectly. However, I
think this is the sort of situations this phrase was invented
for. Bob and Betty doesn't have anything to apologize for, but
they can use if they feel they need to say anything. I still
recommend ignoring though unless Shelly stop being PA and
actually speak to them directly to their faces like a grownup.
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