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#Post#: 40153--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Gellchom Date: October 10, 2019, 2:44 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1337.msg40148#msg40148
date=1570732618]
[quote]"I hope you don't feel bad [/quote]
I feel like these sorts of phrases are counterproductive.
They absolutely say that you think it's reasonable for them to
feel bad.
[/quote]
You're right! Very poor wording on my part. What would you
suggest that shows you do care about their feelings but doesn't
have that subtext?
#Post#: 40154--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: TootsNYC Date: October 10, 2019, 2:55 pm
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I think I might not directly address anything except the
logistics.
And I might suggest the "your cat escaped" / "your cat is sick"
/ "your cat died" approach.
So say, "We're going to take the kids on this very kid-centric
vacation! We're really looking forward to spending time with
the kids and doing kid things!" And no mention of anybody coming
along.
Then mom and dad can say, "We think we're going to go on that
vacation with them," and ask mom and dad to not mention being
invited. "We're really going to enjoy wallowing in all the kid
activities."
And then say, "Emily decided she'd tag along too--she really
loves spending time with the nieces and nephews."
and then, "Are you guys going to get to see your kids soon?"
Just dribble the news out, never really let it be known that
this was a specific invitation as part of the original plan, and
act as though you assume they have their own vacation plans.
#Post#: 40162--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Tea Drinker Date: October 10, 2019, 4:31 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1337.msg40154#msg40154
date=1570737309]
I think I might not directly address anything except the
logistics.
And I might suggest the "your cat escaped" / "your cat is sick"
/ "your cat died" approach.
So say, "We're going to take the kids on this very kid-centric
vacation! We're really looking forward to spending time with
the kids and doing kid things!" And no mention of anybody coming
along.
Then mom and dad can say, "We think we're going to go on that
vacation with them," and ask mom and dad to not mention being
invited. "We're really going to enjoy wallowing in all the kid
activities."
And then say, "Emily decided she'd tag along too--she really
loves spending time with the nieces and nephews."
and then, "Are you guys going to get to see your kids soon?"
Just dribble the news out, never really let it be known that
this was a specific invitation as part of the original plan, and
act as though you assume they have their own vacation plans.
[/quote]
The possible flaw there is, if Shelly and/or Sam do want to join
the group, they might think they could invite themselves along,
because "We think we're going to go with them" and "Emily
decided she'd tag along" suggest that no invitations were issued
or needed.
#Post#: 40177--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Aleko Date: October 11, 2019, 1:43 am
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I agree with Teadrinker: giving out the message that the
grandparents and Emily just up and announced that they would
come too does give a clear message to Shelly and Sam that they
can do the same if they so choose. And some people are just
cussed enough to do that, and then spend the whole the holiday
griping that it's too child-centred, no matter how clearly it
was so defined in the first place. Too big a risk.
Gellchom; I didn't mean to suggest that Bobandwife say 'sauce
for the goose', which I agree would not soothe a savage breast
at all; only that, since it's clear that
not-inviting-all-siblings-plus-spouses is normal and accepted in
this family, they should act accordingly and not even feel that
they are acting unfairly to Shelly and Sam, let alone give any
impression that they have anything to JADE.
#Post#: 40600--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: bopper Date: October 17, 2019, 3:17 pm
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Another thought:
Obviously don't bring up the topic, but if it gets brought up;
"We have different traveling styles so that wouldn't work."
#Post#: 40605--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: NFPwife Date: October 17, 2019, 4:12 pm
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[quote author=bopper link=topic=1337.msg40600#msg40600
date=1571343423]
Another thought:
Obviously don't bring up the topic, but if it gets brought up;
"We have different traveling styles so that wouldn't work."
[/quote]
I like this. So much so that I want to adopt it for when people
try to insert themselves into my travel plans.
I've learned that no matter how you frame your travel plans some
people will just try to invite themselves along. I've had people
ask, "Do you have any travel plans coming up?" and then say,
"Oh, that sounds fun. We'll join you!" (It's gotten to the point
that I tell those people about work travel or am non-committal.)
#Post#: 40626--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: oogyda Date: October 18, 2019, 7:17 am
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[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=1337.msg40605#msg40605
date=1571346729]
[quote author=bopper link=topic=1337.msg40600#msg40600
date=1571343423]
Another thought:
Obviously don't bring up the topic, but if it gets brought up;
"We have different traveling styles so that wouldn't work."
[/quote]
I like this. So much so that I want to adopt it for when people
try to insert themselves into my travel plans.
I've learned that no matter how you frame your travel plans some
people will just try to invite themselves along. I've had people
ask, "Do you have any travel plans coming up?" and then say,
"Oh, that sounds fun. We'll join you!" (It's gotten to the point
that I tell those people about work travel or am non-committal.)
[/quote]
Why do they do that? I have the same thing happen when I make
plans.
I'm planning a trip next summer with my DDs that happens to be
near my extended family (Mom, Sis, Niece 1 and Niece 2. Niece 2
has a 6 yo). I haven't told them my plans because they will
want to join us. DDs and I don't want to share this trip. We
have some very specific things we want to do and see and enjoy
with our own special dynamic. We will see the family before we
leave.
Everything we're planning would easily be a day trip or two for
them. They can do it whenever they want, but they don't.
#Post#: 40646--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: TootsNYC Date: October 18, 2019, 10:57 am
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[quote]DDs and I don't want to share this trip. [/quote]
I wish we all felt we could just say this sort of thing.
(though it implies that the next trip...)
"We like to keep our vacations as family time--it's really
important to us."
#Post#: 40657--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: lakey Date: October 18, 2019, 12:19 pm
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[quote]
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
« Reply #34 on: October 17, 2019, 03:17:03 pm »
Quote
Another thought:
Obviously don't bring up the topic, but if it gets brought up;
"We have different traveling styles so that wouldn't work."
[/quote]
This is so good because it is true. Traveling with someone whose
habits are different from yours is miserable. It's like having a
roommate that you are not compatible with. This statement works
because it is honest and direct without being hurtful.
#Post#: 40659--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: TootsNYC Date: October 18, 2019, 1:08 pm
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I actually said this to my roommate once.
We'd gone on a weekend away together, and had a fight because
she wanted to sleep until 1pm or so, and have a leisurely
breakfast out, which meant it was 2:30 before we did anything.
I was like, "If I was going to sleep all day, I'd have stayed
home in my own bed."
So when I said I thought I would go to California and drive from
SF to LA, she said, "Oh, that would be great, we can go to
Universal Studios and Disney World!"
I said, "I'm going by myself--we don't have the same vacation
styles, and I'm not willing to compromise on this. And in fact,
i don't want to go to Universal Studios, so that's already
evidence that we wouldn't approach the vacation the same way."
She was a little miffed, but she couldn't really argue.
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