DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Family and Children
*****************************************************
#Post#: 39045--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Lkdrymom Date: September 21, 2019, 11:27 am
---------------------------------------------------------
If Shelly has never invited Bob along on a vacation that Emily
attended, why would she expect to be invited on his? If she
does complain, tell her it will be kid focused and he assumed
Sam would not enjoy it. Just don't give Shelly the opportunity
to restructure the vacation to suit Sam.
My son and Daughter in law vacation with her parents each year.
I am not aware of their other daughter being invited. She does
live on the other side of the country until this year when she
moved back home. She did not go this year either. Not everyone
has to be invited to everything.
#Post#: 39048--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 21, 2019, 12:44 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1337.msg39016#msg39016
date=1569011543]
[quote author=caroled link=topic=1337.msg39010#msg39010
date=1569008259]
[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=1337.msg38969#msg38969
date=1568987124]
I am curious how this forum would handle the following.
Bob wants to take a vacation with his wife and young small
children. He would like to invite his parents and his sibling
Emily. However, he does not want to invite his only other
sibling Shelly and her husband..... (Maybe noteworthy, Emily has
vacationed with Shelly and her kids when they were little and
prior to marrying Sam. When Sam entered the family, the
invitations stopped. ...Shelly never invited Bob and he appears
to have always been fine with that.)
[/quote]
Shelly doesn't invite Bob, but he is expected to invite her and
Sam?? If she has set a precedent of not inviting him in similar
situations, why is he then therefore expected to invite her?
[/quote]
I guess I missed that. But it's a little different: looks like
the parents weren't on that/those trip(s) -- Just Shelly with
her husband and kids, plus Emily. Not all that different in
terms of numbers, but it sort of feels like Shelly's family plus
Aunt Emily, as opposed to a whole family minus Shelly's branch.
Also, we don't know if there were hurt feelings when they did
it.
[/quote]
For what it's worth, the parents were on the trips with Shelly,
Emily, and kids (all prior to Sam entering the family.)
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1337.msg39036#msg39036
date=1569049001]
BTW: has Bob's missus got any siblings? If so, they could
certainly say, if Sam and Shelly push it, 'it's not a family
reunion - we aren't asking any of Jane's brothers and their
families either.'
[/quote]
Yes, Bob's wife has three siblings (and parents, too.) To the
best of my knowledge, none were invited. (If they were, they
nixed idea before it got more developed.) I do know that her
siblings and parents are excited about this vacation and have
even thrown some ideas/suggestions into the mix.
#Post#: 39050--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Aleko Date: September 21, 2019, 1:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]For what it's worth, the parents were on the trips with
Shelly, Emily, and kids (all prior to Sam entering the
family.)[/quote]
I'd say it's worth a lot. Because that's a precise parallel to
what Bob is doing now: inviting the parents and one sibling to
come on holiday with him and his kids, but not inviting the
other-plus-spouse. If Shelly did that, more than once, she has
absolutely no grounds for objecting if Bob does the same. Sauce
for the goose, and all that.
#Post#: 39126--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: bopper Date: September 23, 2019, 12:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think I wouldn't invite them and would try not to talk about
it around them...if they say anything I would say "Oh we didn't
think this was your kind of thing. Sam has made it clear that he
doesn't care for kid focused activities...and why should he?
This was going to be all Disney all the time. "
#Post#: 39182--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Shores Date: September 24, 2019, 7:43 am
---------------------------------------------------------
If he’s a pain I simply would leave them off the list and if
pressed I would tell them exactly why they weren’t invited. My
vacation=my choice of who comes and this is not open to
discussion with others.
#Post#: 40029--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Raintree Date: October 8, 2019, 10:35 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=GardenGal link=topic=1337.msg39018#msg39018
date=1569015842]
I would not want to spend any time on my vacation with a grumpy
Sam, unless I could just take off all day and do what I wanted
and only see him after dinner as I was headed for bed. Vacation
time is too precious to let a difficult person control
everything or pout all day, which is what it sounds like Sam
would do.
[/quote]
Exactly. We have a Sam in our family. He doesn't complain in
restaurants or anything, but he manipulates situations so that
everything ends up revolving about what HE wants, HIS needs,
etc., everyone else's wishes, schedules, and needs be damned. I
can deal with him, and he can be quite affable, fun even, in
small doses, but vacations are precious, and there is no way I'd
want to spend mine with him trying to control everything. I've
posted about him before, to say that if you find a way not to be
manipulated into doing what he wants, he will find a way to make
everyone else miserable.
I'd say don't invite them, and if questioned, say the vacation
is going to be very kid-focused and Emily is coming along to
help out, but you didn't think this was their thing.
#Post#: 40133--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Winterlight Date: October 10, 2019, 9:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=bopper link=topic=1337.msg39126#msg39126
date=1569261470]
I think I wouldn't invite them and would try not to talk about
it around them...if they say anything I would say "Oh we didn't
think this was your kind of thing. Sam has made it clear that he
doesn't care for kid focused activities...and why should he?
This was going to be all Disney all the time. "
[/quote]
This. I wouldn't make a big deal of it, just present things
matter-of-factly. It's a kid-oriented vacation, Emily and
grandparents are along to do kid stuff, Sam would hate it.
#Post#: 40140--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Chez Miriam Date: October 10, 2019, 10:45 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I remember my brother getting very grumpy about not being
invited to my (female) cousins' parties, especially because I
was invited.
Took a lot of arguing before he could see that I am friends with
the female cousins, he is friends with the male cousins, and if
it's OK for me not to be invited to the male cousins' parties
[always fine by me] and him not to invite the female cousins to
his [Bro's] parties, it should be OK that I am allowed to go to
female-cousin parties without him having to be invited.
I see this the same: Shelly & Sam don't invite Bob + Bob's wife
=> Bob + wife don't have to invite Shelly & [s]Debbie Downer[/s]
Sam. Since Sam came along, there is no longer a family
'tradition' of "everyone's invited!", and all Bob is doing is
carrying on with that precedent that Shelly and Sam started.
It isn't a family invite [no-one from Bob's InLaw family is
invited], it's purely a let's-have-fun-at-Disney-for-Bob's-kids
get together where Emily happens to be going. Were it a
wedding, I'd be advising the complete opposite.
#Post#: 40145--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Gellchom Date: October 10, 2019, 1:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
The updates do change how I see the situation. I think it's
okay to go without them. But I would still try to minimize
drama and hurt feelings; what do they accomplish? And they make
things tough for others, especially the grandparents. So I
neither hide the trip nor fling it in their faces; I'd talk to
them about it. Something like, "I hope you don't feel bad that
we are taking this kid-oriented trip without you all. It just
kind of worked out that way this time." The less, the better.
It doesn't say that you're wrong or open to changing the plans,
just that you care about their feelings and don't want them to
feel bad.
If it's not personal, then make that clear so it's not hurtful.
If it is personal, then they probably will be hurt no matter how
you put it. But even if they are hurt, that doesn't mean you
can't do it; there are other ways to address hurt feelings. I
wouldn't argue about "sauce for the goose" or anything else --
it's always a non-starter to try to convince someone that they
have no right to feel whatever they are feeling. I'd just
acknowledge their feelings and let them know I care about that,
and try to change the subject to something like some future trip
or event that they will be included in.
#Post#: 40148--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: TootsNYC Date: October 10, 2019, 1:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]"I hope you don't feel bad [/quote]
I feel like these sorts of phrases are counterproductive.
They absolutely say that you think it's reasonable for them to
feel bad.
*****************************************************
DIR Previous Page
DIR Next Page