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#Post#: 38969--------------------------------------------------
Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 20, 2019, 8:45 am
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I am curious how this forum would handle the following.
Bob wants to take a vacation with his wife and young small
children. He would like to invite his parents and his sibling
Emily. However, he does not want to invite his only other
sibling Shelly and her husband.
Shelly’s kids are all grown. If invited, she would likely
decline because what money and time that she has available goes
towards keeping up with her kids. But this a guess and she could
very well accept, too. However, the real problem lies with
Shelly’s husband Sam. He is considered a “small doses” kind of
person for most of the family. They have never been to
restaurant with him when he didn’t make a fuss over how
something was wrong with the food (even when no one else saw
issue.) He gets grumpy if the plans are not catered to his
desires and needs. And he does not seem particularly fond over
doing kids activities (something that this vacation would focus
on.) Nothing ever seems to make him happy and he seems to be in
a constant state of grump. Including Shelly and Sam has the
potential of really downing the vacation. However, they are also
the sort of people to get vocally offended if they are not
invited to something and there is great potential for real hurt
to be caused by not inviting them.
Emily is single with no kids; she does not need to worry about
saving money or time for her own children. She also loves kids
and is pretty agreeable to travel with (or at least, Bob does
not sense conflicts in the ways that she travels and the way she
rolls with the punches.) The bonus is that she is able to act as
an additional adult and help care for the children; something
that she would not only enjoy, but would not complain about.
(Maybe noteworthy, Emily has vacationed with Shelly and her kids
when they were little and prior to marrying Sam. When Sam
entered the family, the invitations stopped. Shelly never
invited Bob and he appears to have always been fine with that.)
If Bob does not invite Shelly and Sam, he fears that they will
cause all kinds of family chaos. Not to mention that the lack of
invitation is hurtful.
If Bob invites them, he fears that this whole vacation will
unbearable. (Or they may decline the invitation... not sure of
what level of fuss that they would make, though.)
Bob could also not invite Emily, but he does want her there. But
that would be an easy fix to the problem (even if the outcome is
not what Bob wants.)
Maybe there is another option?
What would you tell Bob?
#Post#: 38970--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Jem Date: September 20, 2019, 9:06 am
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I would invite Shelly and Sam but make it clear what the
vacation will be - kid focused. Maybe even state the itinerary.
I don't know whether this is an expensive or lengthy vacation,
or one far away, but I think it would not go over well to simply
not invite Shelly. I would probably phrase it as: "I wanted to
be sure you were invited, even though I realize this may not be
something you are interested in. If not, no worries - we can
catch up at Thanksgiving!"
#Post#: 38971--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Model Date: September 20, 2019, 9:06 am
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Personally, if it were me I would let Shelly and Sam know about
the vacation but be VERY SPECIFIC about the kind of vacation it
is (i.e heavy focus on the kids stuff) and just hope they decide
not to join. My advice is from the perspective of someone who
is the family peace keeper.
#Post#: 38973--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Rose Red Date: September 20, 2019, 9:33 am
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What would be the fallout if they are not invited?
I would not invite them. Vacations cost too much money and time
and should not be held hostage by a grump and fear of him
throwing a tantrum. I wouldn't care if such people never speak
to me again if that's how they react. But I understand this will
affect the mom and other sister too.
If you must invite them, make it clear that most activity is
centered around the children. That mom and sis are there to help
with the children and that's part of why they were included. Bob
should also have a private word with his sister Shelly that if
they come, that Sam's usual act will not be tolerated and the
rest of you will break away from them during any part of the
trip if he brings down the children (and adults too). Hopefully,
they'll decline.
Anyone else imagining Debbie Downer in the (in)famous
Disneyworld skit?
#Post#: 38975--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Jem Date: September 20, 2019, 9:37 am
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Just as an aside....it wasn't really clear from the OP but I
would be careful about having this be a 100% kids focused
vacation. It sounds like there are five adults currently
planning on going. I don't know how old the kids are, but
presumably young and probably with a bedtime around 8:00 p.m. It
is not reasonable to expect that the adults who are not their
parents will not want to do some of their own things during this
vacation. I often hear of people in similar situations having
each "group" take a night for child care so the others can go do
something "adult."
#Post#: 38980--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Kimberami Date: September 20, 2019, 10:03 am
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Hmm. Yeah, this is a quandary.
I really cannot think of a way to not invite one family unit
without causing hurt feelings.
Could Bob float the idea past Shelly? Mention the planning of a
trip. Don't mention specific dates, but let her know in
excruciating detail how kid specific the activities will be. If
she seems that she and Sam wouldn't be interested, then carry on
with plans. If she seems receptive to the idea, then talk to her
about how much Sam would realistically enjoy the trip. Either
way, I would not post pictures that show one big happy family in
a place that Shelly can see them.
#Post#: 38985--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 20, 2019, 10:32 am
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1337.msg38973#msg38973
date=1568990021]
Anyone else imagining Debbie Downer in the (in)famous
Disneyworld skit?
[/quote]
I was not familiar with it, but this is too funny!!! (And yes,
reminds me a bit like Sam.) I love that the cast can't even keep
a straight face!
[quote author=Jem link=topic=1337.msg38975#msg38975
date=1568990250]
Just as an aside....it wasn't really clear from the OP but I
would be careful about having this be a 100% kids focused
vacation. It sounds like there are five adults currently
planning on going. I don't know how old the kids are, but
presumably young and probably with a bedtime around 8:00 p.m. It
is not reasonable to expect that the adults who are not their
parents will not want to do some of their own things during this
vacation. I often hear of people in similar situations having
each "group" take a night for child care so the others can go do
something "adult."
[/quote]
Great aside! I know that Bob and wife are planning to go out
separate one evening (one of the reasons why they are bringing
along other adults.) I am not sure if the other adults will have
an evening to do the same, but knowing Bob, he would certainly
allow for this. I think it's wise for any trip with a bigger
group that there be some flexibility to break away... otherwise
you can get on each others' nerves.
#Post#: 38986--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Jem Date: September 20, 2019, 10:36 am
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[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=1337.msg38985#msg38985
date=1568993536]
Great aside! I know that Bob and wife are planning to go out
separate one evening (one of the reasons why they are bringing
along other adults.) I am not sure if the other adults will have
an evening to do the same, but knowing Bob, he would certainly
allow for this. I think it's wise for any trip with a bigger
group that there be some flexibility to break away... otherwise
you can get on each others' nerves.
[/quote]
If I were a non-parent of small kids going on this trip I would
not seek "permission" from Bob to do anything! Unless Bob is
paying for the trip or paying the other adults to provide
childcare, the other adults can and should be able to do
whatever they want to whenever they want to without having to
provide childcare unless they want to!
If Bob is actually paying for the trip that might change things
a little....but it would never occur to me that I would have to
babysit someone else's kids on vacation all the time so THE
ACTUAL PARENTS could go out alone but I could not.
#Post#: 38988--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 20, 2019, 11:11 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1337.msg38986#msg38986
date=1568993775]
[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=1337.msg38985#msg38985
date=1568993536]
Great aside! I know that Bob and wife are planning to go out
separate one evening (one of the reasons why they are bringing
along other adults.) I am not sure if the other adults will have
an evening to do the same, but knowing Bob, he would certainly
allow for this. I think it's wise for any trip with a bigger
group that there be some flexibility to break away... otherwise
you can get on each others' nerves.
[/quote]
If I were a non-parent of small kids going on this trip I would
not seek "permission" from Bob to do anything! Unless Bob is
paying for the trip or paying the other adults to provide
childcare, the other adults can and should be able to do
whatever they want to whenever they want to without having to
provide childcare unless they want to!
If Bob is actually paying for the trip that might change things
a little....but it would never occur to me that I would have to
babysit someone else's kids on vacation all the time so THE
ACTUAL PARENTS could go out alone but I could not.
[/quote]
I am sorry if I painted Bob in the wrong light. He is not the
type to hold other adults hostage or anything. Sure, he is
hoping that extra adult eyes will help keep his young children
safe, but he is certainly not the type to throw his parenting
responsibilities out the window. I think that the idea of the
other adults getting their own adult time has not be discussed
because Bob ASSUMES that they will do their own thing whenever
they like. (Bob and wife going out was discussed, because they
know that they cannot assume that they can leave their kids and
someone will instantly care for them.) It really is a thoughtful
aside, but my assessment of Bob is that while he wants a nice
kid-friendly vacation for his children and would like to include
these other people that he would never demand anything from
anyone.
#Post#: 38991--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
By: Hanna Date: September 20, 2019, 11:24 am
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I read "allow for" as in planning on it within the schedule,
not giving permission.
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