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#Post#: 38784--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Starry Diadem Date: September 15, 2019, 9:20 pm
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[quote author=chigger link=topic=1328.msg38773#msg38773
date=1568585283]
Becky was really rude and/or clueless! I think I would have
replied(to a SIL) "Oh, I wish you had let me know while you
where here, when we could have corrected things. We will
understand if you're not happy staying here again."
[/quote]
I'd be even more direct, and I wouldn't talk about 'correction',
as if I'd done something wrong. "Oh, we wish you'd said
something while you were here, when we could have dealt with it.
We understand that you'll want to make your own arrangements the
next time you want to visit Mum."
#Post#: 38792--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Winterlight Date: September 16, 2019, 7:57 am
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First thought, "This ain't Tripadvisor, honey."
Becky seems not to know the difference between a thank-you
letter and a Yelp review. Apparently, neither does her husband.
#Post#: 38794--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Rose Red Date: September 16, 2019, 9:45 am
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I once stayed with a relative and they put us in a room that was
cold, dirty, and simply awful. I was even afraid to use the
water to shower and brush my teeth. It was above their
restaurant. Downstairs was fine. The upstairs living area....was
not. I would have been scared if I wasn't in the same room (and
bed!) as my mom and sister. I wished they told us they couldn't
accommodate us so we would know to get a hotel. Maybe they were
so used to it that it's normal to them.
But did we complain? No. We just thanked them and privately
vowed never to stay with them again. What's the point of
complaining? Either they think it's normal and we insult them by
complaining, or they know it's the pits and did the best they
could, or they didn't care about our comfort (or us personally?)
in which case, they won't change in the future.
#Post#: 38796--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Hmmm Date: September 16, 2019, 12:32 pm
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[quote author=chigger link=topic=1328.msg38773#msg38773
date=1568585283]
Becky was really rude and/or clueless! I think I would have
replied(to a SIL) "Oh, I wish you had let me know while you
where here, when we could have corrected things. We will
understand if you're not happy staying here again."
[/quote]
Since this was sent to the hostess as part of a thank you
letter, she really didn't have a way to respond immediately. So
in this situation I would be like the hostess and inform my DH
that his sister in law would never be allowed to stay at my home
again.
To me it's the same as sending a thank you note for a gift with
a 'thank you for the lovely blouse bu just as a helpful hint, I
think Prada is a preferable brand over Channel and I do prefer
blue over purple because it compliments the skin more." Who
would be inclined to send another gift to this person? Instead
you'd be telling your DH that in the future you would not be
buying his SIL anymore gifts and if he wanted to send one he
could do the shopping himself!
#Post#: 38800--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Gellchom Date: September 16, 2019, 2:10 pm
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I agree that Becky was thoroughly, thoroughly obnoxious, rude,
and out of line. I would be plenty steamed if I were Mae.
But I also agree that "banning" them from ever staying again --
we are talking about a brother, here -- is an overreaction.
As others have pointed out, though, we don't know what that
means. If I were in Mae's place, and assuming the husband is on
board with it, maybe I just wouldn't invite them next time, or
if it's sort of a regular visit, I might say something like,
"You weren't comfortable here last time; would you like me to
find a B&B for you this time?"
I don't see the point of a "ban" if it means a never-ever-again
policy, though. That is going to hurt Mom and the brothers,
too, remember. What Becky deserves isn't the whole story.
Most of all, there just isn't any need or reason to announce a
policy at all. That would just be reaching for unnecessary
drama, descending to Becky's level, and making everything even
worse. Someone did something really rude; that doesn't mean
that there has to be a response. The LW has the high ground
now; why sacrifice it to gain nothing?
#Post#: 38801--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Jem Date: September 16, 2019, 2:37 pm
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[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1328.msg38800#msg38800
date=1568661030]
I agree that Becky was thoroughly, thoroughly obnoxious, rude,
and out of line. I would be plenty steamed if I were Mae.
But I also agree that "banning" them from ever staying again --
we are talking about a brother, here -- is an overreaction.
As others have pointed out, though, we don't know what that
means. If I were in Mae's place, and assuming the husband is on
board with it, maybe I just wouldn't invite them next time, or
if it's sort of a regular visit, I might say something like,
"You weren't comfortable here last time; would you like me to
find a B&B for you this time?"
I don't see the point of a "ban" if it means a never-ever-again
policy, though. That is going to hurt Mom and the brothers,
too, remember. What Becky deserves isn't the whole story.
Most of all, there just isn't any need or reason to announce a
policy at all. That would just be reaching for unnecessary
drama, descending to Becky's level, and making everything even
worse. Someone did something really rude; that doesn't mean
that there has to be a response. The LW has the high ground
now; why sacrifice it to gain nothing?
[/quote]
I personally would never invite Becky to my home again, but I
wouldn't announce it. I just wouldn't invite her, and would say
no if she asked to stay. I wouldn't offer to find her somewhere
else to stay either. I would just never invite her over, and
tell her no if she asked.
#Post#: 38806--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Hmmm Date: September 16, 2019, 5:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=1328.msg38801#msg38801
date=1568662657]
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1328.msg38800#msg38800
date=1568661030]
I agree that Becky was thoroughly, thoroughly obnoxious, rude,
and out of line. I would be plenty steamed if I were Mae.
But I also agree that "banning" them from ever staying again --
we are talking about a brother, here -- is an overreaction.
As others have pointed out, though, we don't know what that
means. If I were in Mae's place, and assuming the husband is on
board with it, maybe I just wouldn't invite them next time, or
if it's sort of a regular visit, I might say something like,
"You weren't comfortable here last time; would you like me to
find a B&B for you this time?"
I don't see the point of a "ban" if it means a never-ever-again
policy, though. That is going to hurt Mom and the brothers,
too, remember. What Becky deserves isn't the whole story.
Most of all, there just isn't any need or reason to announce a
policy at all. That would just be reaching for unnecessary
drama, descending to Becky's level, and making everything even
worse. Someone did something really rude; that doesn't mean
that there has to be a response. The LW has the high ground
now; why sacrifice it to gain nothing?
[/quote]
I personally would never invite Becky to my home again, but I
wouldn't announce it. I just wouldn't invite her, and would say
no if she asked to stay. I wouldn't offer to find her somewhere
else to stay either. I would just never invite her over, and
tell her no if she asked.
[/quote]
To me, the "announcing" was done because Mae's husband called
his brother and let him know that Mae was furious about the
"thank you text" and was probably asking him to get Becky to
apologize. It also sounds like LW learned about the contents of
the text when his brother called him. Instead of being stunned
that his wife would do something so crass, he instead defended
her actions as "a minor annoyance at best" and that his wife
meant no harm which has now caused his brother to be mad at him.
And I just re-read and realized it was a text and not a hand
written note. For some reason, that even seems more offensive to
me.
#Post#: 38809--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: MinMom3 Date: September 16, 2019, 7:59 pm
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I think the LW's wife sounds snooty and disparaging and mingy
and super unpleasant. I would not be at all surprised to learn
that the hosting pair were younger, and the visiting pair were
older and more established, and the visiting wife thought it her
duty to 'enlighten' her hostess. I could easily be VERY wrong
in my assumptions, but that's the way it came off to me. There
were so many lighter ways to thank the hosting pair that didn't
involve a laundry list of 'you done fucked up'.... Now there's
a rift between the brothers that could easily have been avoided.
Just because LW is willing to put up with that attitude doesn't
mean his brother is.
My mother could have sent that letter, and did similarly stern
chastising in the past. Small wonder that none of her family's
side but me and my daughters were speaking to her by the time
she died!
#Post#: 38813--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: lakey Date: September 16, 2019, 9:41 pm
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[quote]My mother could have sent that letter, and did similarly
stern chastising in the past. Small wonder that none of her
family's side but me and my daughters were speaking to her by
the time she died![/quote]
This is very sad, but it is what happens when someone doesn't
restrain what they say to people. Hopefully Becky learns from
her mistake and doesn't continue giving people unwanted
criticism. People can learn, and perhaps in the future Mae will
give her another chance.
It really depends on whether Becky's behavior looks like a
pattern.
#Post#: 38814--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: lakey Date: September 16, 2019, 9:47 pm
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[quote]Posted by: lakey
« on: Today at 09:41:38 pm » Insert Quote
Quote
My mother could have sent that letter, and did similarly stern
chastising in the past. Small wonder that none of her family's
side but me and my daughters were speaking to her by the time
she died!
This is very sad, but it is what happens when someone doesn't
restrain what they say to people. Hopefully Becky learns from
her mistake and doesn't continue giving people unwanted
criticism. People can learn, and perhaps in the future Mae will
give her another chance.
It really depends on whether Becky's behavior looks like a
pattern.[/quote]
If Becky turns out to be one of those people who just can't
resist telling everyone else how to do things, it will show in
areas other than being an overnight guest. If Mae and her
husband see Becky at family events, they'll get an idea whether
to go forward with the ban.
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