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#Post#: 38624--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Aleko Date: September 13, 2019, 2:58 am
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[quote]what Becky did was dumb on her part but Mae is wildly
overreacting.[/quote]
Mmmm . . . as with all reported family interactions, we really
can't tell for sure. It's possible, for example, that the
specific wording of the note was a whole lot more snide than a
brief summary shows. Or that it was just the latest of a
succession of micro-aggressions by Becky, and Mae has finally
had it up to here with her little jabs. The fact that Brother is
apparently 100% on her side and not trying to meet LW and Becky
halfway by saying something like 'Mae can be a bit oversensitive
sometimes' suggests that he doesn't think it's an overreaction.
As Toots says, tone and timing are crucial, and a thank-you note
is simply not the place to voice a string of complaints, however
justified.
And not all of them were. The 'carb-heavy breakfasts' thing was
just unreasonable. If that's the kind of breakfast the hosts
like themselves, they have a perfect right to provide it for
themselves and can hardly not offer it to their guests. All the
guests needs to do is say clearly at the time 'We aren't really
breakfast people - a dab of that yogurt and a couple of
spoonfuls of the granola is plenty, thank you.' Staying with
close friends or family, it's also perfectly legit to ask for
something you know they have plenty of but that isn't being
offered, e.g. 'Can I get myself something from the fruit bowl?'.
Chomping through everything that was offered and complaining
later is just passive-aggressive.
Drain running slow: if that was bad enough to mention at all it
behooved the guests to mention it on the spot - there could have
been a blockage that was about to cause leaks, floods, whatever,
and the hosts needed to know.
As for the mattress; mattresses can give way quite abruptly
(e.g. a spring can work out of true and start sticking up) and
if the hosts don't sleep on that bed themselves they won't know
there's a problem unless a guest tells them. I inherited from my
parents a very handsome 1950s sofa which has a back that flips
back to make a single bed; I used to sleep on it when visiting
my parents, and it was the most comfortable guest bed I knew.DH
and I put it in our study, and occasional guests slept on it, as
I had done, very happily. Till a few months ago a good friend
came down in the morning looking boggy-eyed and told us it was
like a hammock; we went and lifted up the seat cushion and found
that the rubber strapping supporting it had perished and
stretched several inches; it really was a hammock. (The
upholsterer who replaced the strapping for us said that yes,
that particular composition is known for doing a brilliant job
for half a century or more and then perishing quite suddenly,
rather than stretching gradually.) So we were very grateful that
our friend had alerted us. But she had told us, not put it into
a list of gripes like a bad Tripadvisor review!
#Post#: 38626--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: NyaChan Date: September 13, 2019, 6:53 am
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I don’t think any negative thoughts should be included in a
thank you note. It negates the whole purpose of the note. The
only thing I would have thought my hosts might need to hear is
about the plumbing not draining but that should have been done
in person or the phone as a helpful heads up rather than one of
many suggestions that would have made someone else’s home more
acceptable to her and disguised as a thank you at that.
#Post#: 38631--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: bopper Date: September 13, 2019, 8:27 am
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The brother should have told the brother about issues...but I
would not complain about the breakfast and maybe the mattress is
supposed to be uncomfortable so you don't stay too long. ;)
#Post#: 38648--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Twik Date: September 13, 2019, 9:39 am
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I agree with other posters - the drain thing could be mentioned,
but only as a kindness to the hosts who might be unaware of a
maintenance issue, not as a "this made my stay suck" kind of
thing. Brother to brother would probably be best.
Including it in a list of "here's how you can make your
establishment worthy of my next stay" is not helpful. As others
have said, this sounds more like a review on Yelp than a thank
you for hospitality. Possibly, in today's culture, Mae did think
this was the correct way to deal with the issues, but this has
to be dealt with by a sincere apology, and a genuine attempt to
rebuild the relationship.
I don't always agree with Carolyn, but her phrase "driving a
spike through the hull of the relationship" is pretty apt.
#Post#: 38661--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: sandisadie Date: September 13, 2019, 10:37 am
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I've stayed at relative's homes many, many times and usually
sleeping was uncomfortable and I didn't like all of the food
served. But, not once, did I consider saying anything about any
of it. When you're not home things are not going to always be
to your liking and comfort. I've also hosted many people in my
home over the years and can't remember anybody complaining. The
drain not working properly - that should be brought to the
host's attention; but at the time you witness it. The only
thing she got right was sending a written thank you note. And
then she had to go and spoil that!
#Post#: 38663--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: TootsNYC Date: September 13, 2019, 10:41 am
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[quote author=jazzgirl205 link=topic=1328.msg38605#msg38605
date=1568336346]
Becky knew exactly what she was doing. Perhaps her new husband
seemed too chummy with his family. Perhaps Mae ran a tighter
household plus taking care of MIL so Becky wanted to take her
down a peg or two. I've known many people in my life. Many were
kind and loving and some not so much.
[/quote]
Oooh, that's an interesting viewpoint!
I'll say this about breakfast, etc.: As a host, I always ask my
guests what they like to eat for breakfast, and I provide it. I
would be OK w/ family saying, "Could we have eggs tomorrow? I
try to avoid carbs at breakfast."
After the fact, as a critique? It would be a little offensive.
Brought up right before the next visit? OK, if couched as a
request FOR something, and not as a complaint about something in
the past: "It will be good to see you on Saturday. I was
wondering--could we arrange for eggs or some other low-carb
breakfast? I'm trying to avoid eating carbs in the morning; I
find it makes me sluggish for the whole day. I'd be happy to
cook."
And I might make those requests as a guest--but only if it made
an immediate difference in how I felt that day. Or if my
keto/low-carb diet was truly going to be dinged by a step off
the path.
#Post#: 38664--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: TootsNYC Date: September 13, 2019, 10:42 am
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[quote author=Star Wars Fan link=topic=1328.msg38620#msg38620
date=1568353654]
Yes what Becky did was dumb on her part but Mae is really
overreacting. Not that she doesn't have a right be upset because
I know I would be but banning them from ever staying at their
house again is excessive. Becky needs to apologize and never do
that again, and realize that most people aren't going to react
very well to that kind of critiquing. Like some other people
have said I would've mentioned the tub drain after I'd bathed
because that does seem like something they should know but Becky
should've never said a thing about anything else. I do think
they can work things out but it'll take some time for them to
reconcile.
Ed.
[/quote]
i agree.
I think Mae is OK to send news of her offendedness back up the
chain, but to ban them is a bit of an overreaction.
I'm wondering if there was other stuff DURING the visit that was
annoying/offensive, and this was just the last straw.
#Post#: 38666--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Hanna Date: September 13, 2019, 11:16 am
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[quote author=NyaChan link=topic=1328.msg38626#msg38626
date=1568375592]
I don’t think any negative thoughts should be included in a
thank you note. It negates the whole purpose of the note. The
only thing I would have thought my hosts might need to hear is
about the plumbing not draining but that should have been done
in person or the phone as a helpful heads up rather than one of
many suggestions that would have made someone else’s home more
acceptable to her and disguised as a thank you at that.
[/quote]
Seriously! It’s not a hotel. If the hostess wanted feedback she
would have left out comment cards.
I also doubt she “banned” them. Probably just told her MIL “meh,
they don’t have to come back.”
#Post#: 38667--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: TootsNYC Date: September 13, 2019, 11:22 am
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[quote]Drain running slow: if that was bad enough to mention at
all it behooved the guests to mention it on the spot - there
could have been a blockage that was about to cause leaks,
floods, whatever, and the hosts needed to know.
[/quote]
I can see me completely forgetting about it once I come out of
the bathroom and get dressed. And remembering later. And it
probably wasn't actually a danger to the integrity of the house.
So I'll forgive the "telling them later" idea. BUT...
It comes across as though she kept a list to tell them all the
things that were wrong. As though she saved it up. Or sat at
home saying, "these are all the things wrong," and focused on
only the negative things.
#Post#: 38668--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: TootsNYC Date: September 13, 2019, 11:25 am
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[quote author=Hanna link=topic=1328.msg38666#msg38666
date=1568391376]
[quote author=NyaChan link=topic=1328.msg38626#msg38626
date=1568375592]
I don’t think any negative thoughts should be included in a
thank you note. It negates the whole purpose of the note. The
only thing I would have thought my hosts might need to hear is
about the plumbing not draining but that should have been done
in person or the phone as a helpful heads up rather than one of
many suggestions that would have made someone else’s home more
acceptable to her and disguised as a thank you at that.
[/quote]
Seriously! It’s not a hotel. If the hostess wanted feedback she
would have left out comment cards.
I also doubt she “banned” them. Probably just told her MIL “meh,
they don’t have to come back.”
[/quote]
Or said, "They can stay in a hotel next time. I'm serious."
You know what? Becky will probably be happier.
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