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#Post#: 38584--------------------------------------------------
Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: September 12, 2019, 2:56 pm
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HTML https://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/Carolyn-Hax-Guest-banned-after-offering-helpful-14419537.php
To summarize: the LW and his wife, Becky, stayed for a few days
in the home of the LW's brother, and brother's wife, Mae. After
returning home, Becky wrote a thank you note to Mae, which not
only thanked her for hosting their stay, but also listed all the
things wrong that she felt Mae would want to know (because Becky
would want to know). These helpful hints included: bathtub
shower in the guest bathroom drained slowly, breakfasts that Mae
served were too carb heavy, the mattress in the guest bedroom
needed to be replaced. I don't know if there were other
complaints (dear God, I hope not).
Well! Mae took unreasonable offense to Becky's helpfulness, and
they have been informed that they are no longer welcome to stay
there in the future. LW even tried to point out to his brother
how unreasonable Mae was being, but brother is taking Mae's
side. They were perfect guests! They took brother and Mae out to
eat, cleaned up after one large meal.
Carolyn Hax did (politely) point out that offering a critique to
your host for all their deficiencies is far from being helpful,
and that directing all of it to Mae is also a little tone deaf
(if the hosting was lacking, surely Brother was also
responsible).
I was just flabbergasted that someone thought that this behavior
was acceptable. There were some interesting comments from other
readers: So, how do you let your host(s) know about problems.
The consensus seems to be: at the time ("I just took a shower,
and wanted to let you know that the drain was a little slow"),
ideally between the two who are closest and presumably best
equipped to handle some awkwardness (so the LW should have
spoken to his brother), and not in writing as part of a thank
you!
(The link above is from the Seattle Post Intelligencer, which
does not require an account. Also if the link tries to get you
to take a survey, you can always click "Skip survey" to get to
the article.)
#Post#: 38587--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Rose Red Date: September 12, 2019, 3:31 pm
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That's......something alright. She's acting like it's a hotel
and filling out the survey card.
It's the homeowner's business if the drain is slow, but they can
mention it in a casual way if they're concerned about plumbing.
I may speak up about breakfast in a polite way about how I can
only eat certain foods, but do it during the visit (and offer to
cook it). Not in a list of complaints afterwards. I'd wouldn't
host them ever again either.
#Post#: 38592--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: QueenFaninCA Date: September 12, 2019, 4:03 pm
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I can see telling my host during the stay about the shower drain
as they might never use that shower themselves, so not be aware
of an issue that's fairly easy to fix.
Complaining about the mattress is already much more iffy. And
complaining about the food that was offered, that's completely
over the top. If you have dietary requirements, you talk to the
host in advance and offer to bring and prepare what you need.
#Post#: 38593--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Despedina Date: September 12, 2019, 4:35 pm
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As someone who avoids carbs (due to preference not because they
will kill me or make me sick) I would NEVER mention that to a
host. I would eat whatever I could that was served and if I
really didn't want to eat their food I'd make my own or go out.
Mattresses feel different to different people, and I wouldn't
tell someone to replace it. For all we know the LW and his wife
are the only ones who have used it in years. Why buy another
when its rarely used? The drain is the only one I'd mention, but
during the stay not afterward. Just Wow. I'd never invite them
again either and if I wanted to see them I'd suggest they stay
at a hotel.
#Post#: 38594--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: TootsNYC Date: September 12, 2019, 4:38 pm
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I think that after the fact, you can say, "Oh, hey--I forgot to
alert you. That drain is running slow, in case you want to look
at it."
That's pretty low risk, I think, especially if you frame it as a
helpful alert.
The uncomfortable mattress is something brother needs to quietly
mention to brother.
And not as "it needs to be replaced," but maybe as "it was kind
of uncomfortable."
I have been in a situation in which the bed was so uncomfortable
that we actually went to stay in a hotel; it was my sister's
place, and a cheap, cheap sofa bed.
The breakfast thing was just rude.
And I think so much of it was tone and timing.
The drain, it's best to alert people while you're there, but
it's such a common problem that if you frame it as you providing
information they might need to care for their home, then it's
not a problem.
If you like more protein in your breakfast, then the NEXT time
you come, you ask if you could make yourself some eggs for
breakfast, since you need to have more protein in your
breakfast, and you buy your own groceries for that.
#Post#: 38601--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: lakey Date: September 12, 2019, 6:32 pm
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My views about a guest's food needs/preferences are similar to
TootsNYC and Despidina. As a matter of fact my niece, her
husband, and 2 year old son stayed with me a couple of months
ago. Their child is very fussy about what he will eat, so they
brought their own food for him.
I can see someone not being able to sleep on a sofa bed. I can't
because of my back. They tend to not have the type of support
that a real mattress has. They can really mess up your back. In
a situation like that I would do like Toots and stay at a hotel.
I certainly wouldn't tell people to buy a new mattress, or piece
of furniture.
Sending a list of "helpful suggestions" is just awful. I
wouldn't invite ol' Becky to Thanksgiving dinner, much less to
be an overnight guest. "Thanks for the lovely Thanksgiving
dinner. By the way, the turkey was a bit dry, you should inject
it with broth. If you use a ricer the mashed potatoes won't be
so lumpy. Oh, and I prefer pecan pie to pumpkin."
#Post#: 38605--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: jazzgirl205 Date: September 12, 2019, 7:59 pm
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Becky knew exactly what she was doing. Perhaps her new husband
seemed too chummy with his family. Perhaps Mae ran a tighter
household plus taking care of MIL so Becky wanted to take her
down a peg or two. I've known many people in my life. Many were
kind and loving and some not so much.
#Post#: 38611--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Sycorax Date: September 12, 2019, 8:33 pm
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Other than the slow drain, none of that would be something I'd
mention to my hosts. I've stayed many places where the bed and
food were not to my liking, but I just suck it up because
they're being nice enough to host me.
#Post#: 38615--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Venus193 Date: September 12, 2019, 9:43 pm
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I would also not host them again. What a sense of entitlement!
#Post#: 38620--------------------------------------------------
Re: Carolyn Hax: Guest Banned
By: Star Wars Fan Date: September 13, 2019, 12:47 am
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Yes what Becky did was dumb on her part but Mae is really
overreacting. Not that she doesn't have a right be upset because
I know I would be but banning them from ever staying at their
house again is excessive. Becky needs to apologize and never do
that again, and realize that most people aren't going to react
very well to that kind of critiquing. Like some other people
have said I would've mentioned the tub drain after I'd bathed
because that does seem like something they should know but Becky
should've never said a thing about anything else. I do think
they can work things out but it'll take some time for them to
reconcile.
Ed.
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