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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 38037--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
DIR By: lakey
Date: September 3, 2019, 4:34 pm
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--- Quote ---
>
> Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
> « Reply #15 on: Today at 04:25:15 pm »
> QuoteModify
> There is a difference between what you can do and what you
should do. OP's husband gave the boy the drum kit out of the
goodness of his heart. For them to tell him he can have it back
if he pays for it seems mercenary and ungrateful.
>
> They want to make money off a generous gesture.
--- End Quote ---
I'm modifying my response after reading Jem's update. Knowing
that they spent over a hundred dollars improving the drum kit
feels more like they are getting back the money they invested in
improving it, rather than profiting from the gift. I hadn't
realized that the parts they added were so expensive.
#Post#: 38039--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
DIR By: Jem
Date: September 3, 2019, 4:44 pm
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--- Quote from: lakey link ---
>
> [quote]
> Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
> « Reply #15 on: Today at 04:25:15 pm »
> QuoteModify
> There is a difference between what you can do and what you
should do. OP's husband gave the boy the drum kit out of the
goodness of his heart. For them to tell him he can have it back
if he pays for it seems mercenary and ungrateful.
>
> They want to make money off a generous gesture.
--- End Quote ---
I'm modifying my response after reading Jem's update. Knowing
that they spent over a hundred dollars improving the drum kit
feels more like they are getting back the money they invested in
improving it, rather than profiting from the gift. I hadn't
realized that the parts they added were so expensive.
[/quote]
I didn’t realize that either until my husband told me that this
afternoon. I still think it’s tacky and weird to ask DH to
essentially buy the stuff he didn’t give to them, but it’s at
least a little less icky to me.
Then again I wouldn’t sell most things I have used. Give them
away? Sure. But sell them? Nope. Just not something I would do
(I get lots of people would disagree). Here they are essentially
asking for 85% of the new purchase price for a used cymbal and
drum kick. It just would not occur to me to do that.
#Post#: 38040--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
DIR By: Hanna
Date: September 3, 2019, 4:53 pm
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I don’t like when any friend looks at me as a source of revenue.
I don’t try to sell things to my friends.
#Post#: 38054--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: September 3, 2019, 7:54 pm
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This is so transactional. My friend who I've posted about here
would do this. And she wouldn't think anything of it. It's not
about relationship, it's about covering her expenditures. At the
end of the day, she shouldn't be "out" anything. If your friend
is like mine, she thinks she's doing you a favor because you're
getting two pieces that weren't on the kit to begin with and
you're getting them at a discount. How nice of her! How lucky
for you! Nevermind that the pieces are used or that they've had
use of the original kit, at no cost, for years.
With the type of person, you can bargain a bit. You could say,
"I have $50. How's that work for you?" and end up spitting the
difference at $75. Anything that is emotional or relational, is
unlikely to have any effect, 'I'm feeling used," or "I'm upset
to have to pay for a gift we originally gave you will likely
fall on deaf ears. It's about dollars and cents. Hers not yours.
#Post#: 38056--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
DIR By: silversurfer
Date: September 3, 2019, 8:11 pm
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oooh, I really don't like that.
There are lots of points that could be made about increasing the
value and all that, but my opinion is that the gift was given
out of love and I would (personally) want that to continue.
So a "Thank you so much for the gift many years ago - it has
been well loved but we are looking at passing it on - would you
like it back or is there someone you know who would appreciate
it?" totally fine.
"You can buy it back off me" no. no. no. no!
Its not something any internet stranger is going to lose any
sleep over, but its not nice.
#Post#: 38057--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
DIR By: LurkingGurl
Date: September 3, 2019, 8:21 pm
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--- Quote from: NFPwife link ---
>
> This is so transactional. My friend who I've posted about here
would do this. And she wouldn't think anything of it. It's not
about relationship, it's about covering her expenditures. At the
end of the day, she shouldn't be "out" anything. If your friend
is like mine, she thinks she's doing you a favor because you're
getting two pieces that weren't on the kit to begin with and
you're getting them at a discount. How nice of her! How lucky
for you! Nevermind that the pieces are used or that they've had
use of the original kit, at no cost, for years.
>
> With the type of person, you can bargain a bit. You could say,
"I have $50. How's that work for you?" and end up spitting the
difference at $75. Anything that is emotional or relational, is
unlikely to have any effect, 'I'm feeling used," or "I'm upset
to have to pay for a gift we originally gave you will likely
fall on deaf ears. It's about dollars and cents. Hers not yours.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think that's what makes this bad. The mom is telling the OPs
husband that he is getting something, ie, "first dibs" as if its
some kind of benefit to him.
It's a backhanded compliment of sorts.
I wouldn't negotiate. I think if you try and negotiate they
might say "well, we were going to sell it for $250, but for you,
only $100."
Which would be really great if the OPs DH were solidly in the
market for what they are selling!
It's like all these little things piled on top of one another
that makes it all "ick."
And many people would feel that there is a karma aspect. When
someone graces you with a gift like that--which was given, just
because, not for a wedding, birthday or graduation--but as
encouragement--it's just tacky to turn around and think you're
doing the giver a favor by giving him first dibs to give you
money to have it back.
The karma would be to pay it forward--ask the OPs DH if he knows
of someone who would benefit from having the kit as much or more
than her son did.
And if her son wanted money for it, well, then let him sell it!
Heck, even when handling wedding gifts that are duplicates or
not what you wanted, you would never call the giver and ask them
if they wanted it back for a price!
#Post#: 38059--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
DIR By: Rho
Date: September 3, 2019, 9:41 pm
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Maybe, just maybe, the mom is a ditz and doesn't remember where
the drum set came from?
#Post#: 38068--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums
Back.”
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: September 4, 2019, 7:54 am
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I, too, would feel annoyed by this. Yes, it was totally a gift
and the recipient can do as they please. However, I was raised
to extend a bit of polite fiction concerning unwanted gifts (or
once loved and now unwanted gifts.) If you are not going to be
using the gift as intended, avoid telling the gifter. In other
words, by the standards of my raising, I would not have informed
DH that I was no longer using his gift or passing it on. Now if
he asked, I was taught not to lie, but present a gentle "Oh, I
am no longer drumming". Etiquette approved? I don't know, but
that is more likely the guidelines I would have used.
If they were asking my advice, I would tell them to take one of
two roads. If they absolutely wanted the money, don't mention
the sale to DH. Sell the drum set and collect the funds. If DH
ever asked, politely explain that Sam is no longer drumming. If
this was less about the money and more about getting rid of
unwanted things, I *may* have mentioned to DH that we were going
to sell it. I would not give him first dibs necessarily, but if
he expressed interest, I would return the drums to him without
any mention of money. (If he happened to pay, cool.) But I agree
with others that suggesting that someone can buy a gift back
just feels tacky.
With all that said, I would probably let this slide off of me.
Sure it feels icky, but I imagine the friend was thinking that
she was doing something kind by giving DH first dibs. I would
either buy (or not buy) as I wanted and focus on the fact that
Sam obviously enjoyed the gift for the time that he had it and
that they did appreciate it.
#Post#: 38070--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
DIR By: lowspark
Date: September 4, 2019, 8:07 am
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> I don’t like when any friend looks at me as a source of
revenue. I don’t try to sell things to my friends.
>
--- End Quote ---
This.
I *do* sell used things. I list on ebay mostly but also on
craigslist & facebook sometimes. But if a friend or relative
expresses interest (as has happened before), I just let them
have it. I'm selling to declutter and to make a few $ but a
friendship is way more important than the $!
#Post#: 38071--------------------------------------------------
Re: “Just Pay Me $100 And You Can Have Your Drums Back.”
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: September 4, 2019, 8:11 am
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--- Quote from: silversurfer link ---
>
> oooh, I really don't like that.
>
> There are lots of points that could be made about increasing
the value and all that, but my opinion is that the gift was
given out of love and I would (personally) want that to
continue.
>
> So a "Thank you so much for the gift many years ago - it has
been well loved but we are looking at passing it on - would you
like it back or is there someone you know who would appreciate
it?" totally fine.
>
> "You can buy it back off me" no. no. no. no!
>
> Its not something any internet stranger is going to lose any
sleep over, but its not nice.
>
--- End Quote ---
The bargaining would make me feel better. Personally, I'd have
said "Forget it, sell it somewhere else," right off because I'd
be so annoyed to be offered the opportunity to buy back my gift
that I'd give a knee jerk, emotional reaction and it would show
in my voice. I'm impressed that Jem was able to say, "Let me
check" and not default to that.
If I had a desire to have the kit back, and the $100 wasn't a
biggie, I'd just feel better if I negotiated the price. As
everyone has said, it feels "icky" and, again for me, it just
gets a little of the ick off me. I'd be hoping that it would
click the friend in to how tacky it is, but, if Jem's friend is
like mine, it wouldn't. (My friend will say, "This is going to
sound tacky..." or "Not to sound tacky, but...." and I always
think, "Well, then just stop. STAHHHP."
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