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#Post#: 37319--------------------------------------------------
Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: Hmmm Date: August 23, 2019, 9:40 am
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I'm not sure how I feel about this one in MM today. To summarize
for those who may not be able to read it, a couple were invited
to a wedding where the husband was closer friends with the
bridal couple than the wife and they responded positive to the
RSVP. A work issue came up that prevented the husband's
attendance and they alerted the couple that they would not be
able to attend. The wife also mentioned to the sister of the
bride (who is a close friend) that she was uncomfortable with
the 3 hour solo travel and is unable to drive at night. (Since
they are talking about a same day trip, I am assuming it's an 90
min drive each way.
The bride and groom found another acquaintance to assume her
husband's place and arranged for him to drive the wife. The wife
is not comfortable with the arrangement because she says she
does not know the man well. MM says her options are to hire a
car, utilize the offered ride, or refuse to go but if she
refuses to not expect another invite.
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2019/8/23/locals-eatery-recs-keep-getting-ignored
Part of me says it was not appropriate for the couple to find
alternate transportation. However, I sort of think the woman
made a comment to her friend of "I just hate missing the wedding
but I can't drive after dark and a 3 hour drive is just too much
for me alone." So since is she good friends of the bride's
sister, they may have thought she really wanted to attend and
thought they were being generous.
Were I in the woman's shoes, I'd probably except the ride unless
I knew there was a specific reason I would not want to travel
with the gentleman.
I think she could also use her connection with the sister and
say something like "It is so sweet of him to offer, but do you
think he would rather take his girlfriend with him and use my
place?" But if they said no, then I think she still has to go.
What are your thoughts on MM response and what would you do in
this situation?
#Post#: 37321--------------------------------------------------
Re: Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: Thitpualso Date: August 23, 2019, 10:20 am
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the husband of the LW is the one who is close to the wedding
couple and he can’t attend due to a work situation. A solution
is offered to the LW but the LW isn’t comfortable with that.
It’s impressive that the Bride took the time and effort to help
the LW but, when things get this convoluted, it’s probably best
to simply decline.
Once things settle down on all fronts it would be nice if the LW
and her husband arranged a meeting with the newlyweds. It seems
that everyone has good news to share.
#Post#: 37322--------------------------------------------------
Re: Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: Luci Date: August 23, 2019, 10:45 am
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I would not accept the the ride from a semi-stranger for that
long of a trip. As Miss Manners suggested the option of
declining the wedding entirely, I would do that without feeling
weird or rude.
#Post#: 37325--------------------------------------------------
Re: Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: Rose Red Date: August 23, 2019, 11:06 am
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1293.msg37319#msg37319
date=1566571224]
I think she could also use her connection with the sister and
say something like "It is so sweet of him to offer, but do you
think he would rather take his girlfriend with him and use my
place?" But if they said no, then I think she still has to go.
[/quote]
This is what I'd do. The LW made it sound like she still wants
to go except she can't drive. The HC believes it's rude to pull
her invitation just because the husband can't go so they found a
solution. I'm sure it's easier for all involved if the
replacement went with his actual girlfriend.
#Post#: 37327--------------------------------------------------
Re: Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: LurkingGurl Date: August 23, 2019, 11:47 am
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Ugh, I can't stand MM's answer.
And yet this bride has done everything in her power to make
things work on your behalf.
But she didn't ask for that!
Now the problem is yours.
The problem was hers to begin with! She basically gave a good
reason why she could not go now that her husband could not go
and they overrode it by trying to solve her problem for her. As
I see it, she didn't tell them that she wasn't comfortable with
the solo trip because she wanted a solution but as a way of
explaining why neither of them would be coming.
Sometimes trying to do something for someone who has not
specifically asked for help can feel imposing.
The Bride's first response should have been "I'm sorry we will
miss you." If she thought that her guest might need help then
she should have asked her before finding someone to drive her.
That was a bit rude. As adults, we don't make plans for other
adults without their express permission and cooperation.
Now, this guest not only has to decline again to attend the
event, but has to decline the extra work that the Bride has gone
to.
It would have been more appropriate for the Bride to ask "Would
you like me to find you a ride?"
It just makes me nuts that MM doesn't see how the Bride has now
made what was an awkward situation to begin with, worse.
#Post#: 37334--------------------------------------------------
Re: Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: Chez Miriam Date: August 23, 2019, 1:16 pm
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I think this is a perfect example of why we should not JADE: the
guest stated the reason she could no longer attend [too long
drive; after dark], and the host 'fixed' the problem.
Had the guest simply said "oh, I'm so sorry, we can no longer
make it. Apologies for the late notice", I suspect the bride
would have said "oh, I'm sorry to hear that" and quietly either
muttered to herelf about 'rearranging the table settings' or
thought "ooh, now I can invite OfferedDriver and his girlfriend"
[were she not worried about A and B guests, of course].
I don't suppose the bride intended to offend, or do anything
other than solve one of the myriad problems that crop up around
wedding planning. When a person is in problem-solving mode,
it's easy to 'fix this, move onto the next one' without even
realising there wasn't a problem.
That's why the guest shouldn't have said she wasn't attending
because of driving, dark, etc. She said a variant on what she
meant ['can't come because of the travel/dark' rather than
'no longer want to come'] because it was easier for her to get
out of saying 'no longer want to come on my own' and to hope the
bride accepted the excuse.
So I think the guest should accept at least half of the blame.
Now she gets to say what she should have said in the first
place: "I don't want to attend without my husband; we're so
sorry for messing you about after initially responding 'Yes'".
#Post#: 37336--------------------------------------------------
Re: Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: Rose Red Date: August 23, 2019, 1:31 pm
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[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1293.msg37334#msg37334
date=1566584195]
So I think the guest should accept at least half of the blame.
Now she gets to say what she should have said in the first
place: "I don't want to attend without my husband; we're so
sorry for messing you about after initially responding 'Yes'".
[/quote]
Right. She and her husband let the HC know they can no longer
attended and the HC graciously accepted it. She should have left
it at that. The second conversation with the bride's sister led
to assumptions and turned a done deal into a mess.
#Post#: 37366--------------------------------------------------
Re: Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: jpcher Date: August 23, 2019, 9:26 pm
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Chez Miriam nailed it.
The LW said "that I wasn’t comfortable going alone since it is a
three-hour drive, and I cannot drive after dark." Which put the
bridal party into a tizzy 'she wants to attend, how can we fix
this?'
[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1293.msg37334#msg37334
date=1566584195]Now she gets to say what she should have said in
the first place: "I don't want to attend without my husband;
we're so sorry for messing you about after initially responding
'Yes'".
[/quote]
#Post#: 37371--------------------------------------------------
Re: Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: LurkingGurl Date: August 23, 2019, 11:36 pm
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[quote author=jpcher link=topic=1293.msg37366#msg37366
date=1566613593]
Chez Miriam nailed it.
The LW said "that I wasn’t comfortable going alone since it is a
three-hour drive, and I cannot drive after dark." Which put the
bridal party into a tizzy 'she wants to attend, how can we fix
this?'
[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1293.msg37334#msg37334
date=1566584195]Now she gets to say what she should have said in
the first place: "I don't want to attend without my husband;
we're so sorry for messing you about after initially responding
'Yes'".
[/quote]
[/quote]
Ok, so what?! You don't assume that someone still wants to
come, you ask. Because both of them begged off officially to
the bride. Her having a conversation later with someone who is
not the bride where she expands upon her excuse is not an
invitation for everyone to step in and fix it. And certainly
not to arrange for some guy she doesn't even know to come pick
her up.
For them not to see that this isn't ok kind of boggles my mind.
You don't come up with a chaperone of sorts to drive a lady an
hour and a half each way. I'm sure that guy they pressed into
service probably wasn't that cool with it either. People want
to help because it's a special event and they want to do
everything in their power to make everyone happy. But, y'all
have to admit that that's not a cool situation.
Not that it's a calamity. It's easy enough to say "oh, thank
you so much, but I really can't. We wish you all the best."
Bride calls her male friend and says "it's ok, thanks for
agreeing but we're not going to need you to drive, etc, etc. He
breathes a sigh of relief and everyone goes on with their lives.
I recently begged off an event because I couldn't drive by
myself and my husband was no available to go with me. I said as
much publicly on the FB event page. I would have been very
upset if someone had ironed out my problem without consulting
with me first. I would expect someone to say "I think I might
have a solution for you." And then I would contact that person
and discuss it.
But, to just say "Here, so and so will pick you up and drive you
to and fro." Nuh uh.
But, I could see how in the MM letter that communication could
have gotten twisted. The thing that annoyed me was MM making
the situation worse for the LW implying that she is now imposing
more on the bride to say no after the bride has gone to all that
trouble.
I've had friends and family members who have done things like
this to/for me before. It's kind of oppressive, really. You
feel like an object because you aren't consulted. And when you
object, you're made to feel like you're being ungrateful.
I agree that her talking to the sister of the bride is what led
to the mess. But, they didn't need to act on what she said
without first consulting her. That's really the thing for
me---consent. You make sure that someone is ok with your
solution before setting it all up.
#Post#: 37372--------------------------------------------------
Re: Host's resolving our objection to attendance - Miss Manners
By: NFPwife Date: August 23, 2019, 11:52 pm
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I agree with Chez Miriam. My first thought was "The JADEing got
her." At the same time, if the bride and her sister wanted to
fix this, they definitely should have consulted the LW. No one
wants to ride 90 minutes with a stranger.
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