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#Post#: 37072--------------------------------------------------
Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: CamelliaHouse Date: August 20, 2019, 1:27 pm
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My partner and I got engaged about a year and a half ago. We
were not in a rush to get married, which has been communicated
to everyone who asks if we have set a date, chosen a venue, etc.
A close colleague, who was married a few years ago and who
adores all things having to do with weddings and bridal/baby
showers, etc. keeps asking me at regular intervals what our
plans are (often in front of others, which makes me feel
terribly awkward). I always politely repeat what I said before
and move the conversation along. Her heart is in a good place;
she is genuinely excited and just wants to know what we are
planning.
This colleague has been away on maternity leave and is soon
returning to our workplace. During her time away, my partner and
I have been struggling with our relationship. It has been a
tough, sad time. I am beginning to consider that our engagement
should come to an end and we should part ways. Recently I
stopped wearing my engagement ring.
I am very anxious about how to handle the inevitable questions
when my colleague returns. The whole situation is very painful
and I don't want to talk about it. The workplace is my safe
place nowadays, and I want to focus on work and not be reminded
about my problems at home.
What should I say to her to discourage questions, without
sounding rude or offputting? I don't want to hurt her feelings,
and I also don't want to be a weirdo about all of this in a
professional setting. I'm hoping things will work out for my
relationship, but in the meantime what do I say??
#Post#: 37073--------------------------------------------------
Re: Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: Jem Date: August 20, 2019, 1:33 pm
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First, I am sorry you are going through this.
You know yourself, but if it were me, I would do my best to not
worry about this. When and if she makes comments, I would do my
best to be breezy and cheerful.
Her: "OMG HOW IS THE WEDDING PLANNING COMING?!?!"
You: "Oh, thanks for being interested, but we have decided to
part ways. I'm actually focused on [insert whatever you actually
are focused on] lately! I've been doing ____ and ____! How is
your little one?"
And if she presses for details just say, "Oh, let's not talk
about it. Tell me about how you love being a mom!"
#Post#: 37074--------------------------------------------------
Re: Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: NyaChan Date: August 20, 2019, 1:33 pm
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These are always awkward and more so when the person seems like
they are actually trying to be nice. I might try “It is so kind
of you to remember after all this time, but we aren’t in any
hurry or making any plans to move forward at this point so
there’s no new news to tell”.
If she asks about the ring, I might fib a little, act a little
surprised that she is asking and just say that you often don’t
wear it out - then change the subject.
Sorry you are going through a difficult time. Wish I had better
wording!
#Post#: 37101--------------------------------------------------
Re: Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: TootsNYC Date: August 20, 2019, 5:56 pm
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I might make it a point to tell her, on her first day back, as
part of a "here's what's new" convo, that wedding plans are on
hold at the moment, and that you don't want to talk any more
about it.
#Post#: 37116--------------------------------------------------
Re: Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: Hanna Date: August 20, 2019, 11:03 pm
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One method is to make her a faux confidant “that’s a bit of a
sore subject for me right now but people keep asking. I can’t
figure out how to get them to stop. Any ideas?”
#Post#: 37130--------------------------------------------------
Re: Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: Hmmm Date: August 21, 2019, 8:43 am
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Agreeing with Toots and Hanna to just say that all plans are on
hold at the moment and you prefer to not discuss it further
right now.
#Post#: 37248--------------------------------------------------
Re: Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: DaDancingPsych Date: August 22, 2019, 12:23 pm
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[quote author=Hanna link=topic=1289.msg37116#msg37116
date=1566360232]
One method is to make her a faux confidant “that’s a bit of a
sore subject for me right now but people keep asking. I can’t
figure out how to get them to stop. Any ideas?”
[/quote]
Also, do you have a true confidant at work? Someone who might be
able to assist with her (and others) as needed?
#Post#: 37303--------------------------------------------------
Re: Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: Chez Miriam Date: August 23, 2019, 8:23 am
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I also agree with Toots and Hanna, and think finding her should
be a priority - if you can speak to her as soon as possible it
stops any gossip reaching her first [were it to be likely], and
stops you thinking about it for any longer than necessary.
I would say "it's too painful for me to speak about; I know you
will understand and protect my feelings. Now how is that baby?"
- briefly pass on the message <relationship may be over, don't
want to talk about it> and move swiftly on to the 'bean dip'
<what weight? Is (s)he sleeping? Feeding well?>.
There are so many new-baby related questions that you should be
able to switch topics easily as many times as it takes.
{{Hugs}} for going through this; I hope you find a happy
outcome.
#Post#: 37314--------------------------------------------------
Re: Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: NyaChan Date: August 23, 2019, 9:13 am
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I kind of disagree with the rest - I think addressing something
like this preemptively makes it a bigger deal than it is (I know
it is a big deal to OP but it sounds like she doesn’t want it to
be a big deal to her coworker). It also gives that person the
impression that you think they are someone who deserves an
explanation of some sort about this topic and this person
definitely isn’t. I’ve found that when I don’t want to talk
about something, making it seem boring or just the “ same old
same old” makes it easier to push it to the background.
#Post#: 37317--------------------------------------------------
Re: Engagement Difficulties and Updates
By: Jem Date: August 23, 2019, 9:20 am
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[quote author=NyaChan link=topic=1289.msg37314#msg37314
date=1566569593]
I kind of disagree with the rest - I think addressing something
like this preemptively makes it a bigger deal than it is (I know
it is a big deal to OP but it sounds like she doesn’t want it to
be a big deal to her coworker). It also gives that person the
impression that you think they are someone who deserves an
explanation of some sort about this topic and this person
definitely isn’t. I’ve found that when I don’t want to talk
about something, making it seem boring or just the “ same old
same old” makes it easier to push it to the background.
[/quote]
Yep - this is what my advice above was. Don't bring it up unless
she does, and the breezily change the subject.
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