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#Post#: 37249--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: SnappyLT Date: August 22, 2019, 12:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I just want to chime in that I always addressed my in-laws by
their first names.
My in-laws are/were delightful people - but they were not my
parents. It never occurred to me to call them dad and mom
because I was an adult when I met them and I was not their
child.
#Post#: 37452--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Gellchom Date: August 25, 2019, 4:54 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I’d like to request again that relate our own practices and
preferences in a way that does not imply that other people are
wrong to make other choices. Others do not have to be wrong for
us to be right. That’s always true, but it’s especially
important here where we are also dealing with different cultural
expectations.
As I said, I usually called my in-laws by their first names, and
as a mother-in-law, I am called by my first name myself. So it
is not at all that I am saying that there’s anything wrong with
that!
But I don’t think it’s necessary to state or strongly imply that
that is the only appropriate and healthy choice, because “we are
adults” and “our in-laws are not our parents.” Surely we all
know people who call their in-laws mom and dad; do you feel that
they are not fully adults, or that they must have distorted
parental relationships? Of course not. (And of course it would
be equally wrong to state or imply that the only polite thing to
do is to call them mom and dad, and anything else is
disrespectful.)
Of course, no one has said that explicitly. But I think you know
what I mean. Someone could write, in a string about whether to
change your name when you marry, “I kept my last name because I
am not subsuming my identity to my husband’s,“ and they haven’t
explicitly said that they think anyone who does change their
name has done so. But it’s pretty hard not to hear the tacit
implication, isn’t it? Sometimes just adding something like “to
me, it feels funny because …” can go a long way.
***
I would like to hear more about the conversations people have
had in their own families about this, as guihong has shared. Did
you talk to your in-laws, in either direction, about it? Did
anyone ask anyone else how they felt about it or what names they
would like to use? I don’t recall there being very long
conversations, if any at all, in our family. I don’t think
anyone had very strong feelings one way or the other, though.
.
#Post#: 37455--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: silversurfer Date: August 25, 2019, 6:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Loving the conversation around who calls who what in each
family.
I certainly had to change my language from calling my husband
<firstname> to calling him <papa> once my little one started
calling him <firstname>!
I always call my husband's parents by their first names, and he
calls my parents by their first names.
It's actually really unusual (for where I am) that my little one
calls her father papa - its a name normally reserved for
grandparents, and it's what I call my grandfather.
We spoke much more about what my little one should call my
grandparents. I called them Nan and Papa, and Greatnan and
Greatpapa just weren't rolling of the tongue. So the agreement
that we came to was that they would be called Supernan and
Superpapa.
#Post#: 37482--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Hmmm Date: August 26, 2019, 8:40 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1266.msg37452#msg37452
date=1566770080]
I’d like to request again that relate our own practices and
preferences in a way that does not imply that other people are
wrong to make other choices. Others do not have to be wrong for
us to be right. That’s always true, but it’s especially
important here where we are also dealing with different cultural
expectations.
As I said, I usually called my in-laws by their first names, and
as a mother-in-law, I am called by my first name myself. So it
is not at all that I am saying that there’s anything wrong with
that!
But I don’t think it’s necessary to state or strongly imply that
that is the only appropriate and healthy choice, because “we are
adults” and “our in-laws are not our parents.” Surely we all
know people who call their in-laws mom and dad; do you feel that
they are not fully adults, or that they must have distorted
parental relationships? Of course not. (And of course it would
be equally wrong to state or imply that the only polite thing to
do is to call them mom and dad, and anything else is
disrespectful.)
Of course, no one has said that explicitly. But I think you know
what I mean. Someone could write, in a string about whether to
change your name when you marry, “I kept my last name because I
am not subsuming my identity to my husband’s,“ and they haven’t
explicitly said that they think anyone who does change their
name has done so. But it’s pretty hard not to hear the tacit
implication, isn’t it? Sometimes just adding something like “to
me, it feels funny because …” can go a long way.
***
I would like to hear more about the conversations people have
had in their own families about this, as guihong has shared. Did
you talk to your in-laws, in either direction, about it? Did
anyone ask anyone else how they felt about it or what names they
would like to use? I don’t recall there being very long
conversations, if any at all, in our family. I don’t think
anyone had very strong feelings one way or the other, though.
.
[/quote]
I'm assuming you are referring to Snappy's comments. I did not
read it as you did. I read it as explaining why it would have
never occurred to Snappy to call her inlaws by anything other
than their first names. I did not read it as implying she
thought others were wrong in their choices.
#Post#: 37493--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Jayhawk Date: August 26, 2019, 9:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=SnappyLT link=topic=1266.msg37249#msg37249
date=1566494963]
I just want to chime in that I always addressed my in-laws by
their first names.
My in-laws are/were delightful people - but they were not my
parents. It never occurred to me to call them dad and mom
because I was an adult when I met them and I was not their
child.
[/quote]
My exact same situation. My sister-in-law (brother-in-law's
wife) did call them Mom and Dad. She had married in quite a bit
earlier than I had, but I know here mom was living at the time.
I just could never do it.
#Post#: 37495--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Twik Date: August 26, 2019, 9:44 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think the confusion has a bit to do with shifting generational
ideas.
In my parents' day, there was the idea that "seniority gave
priority." If you had two adults, one 25 years old and one 50,
the 50 yo had higher status. So it wasn't as often done to go on
first name basis. People noticed, and rolled their eyes, if
young Ann Smith called older Sandy Jones "Sandy," not "Mrs
Jones." So newlyweds felt odd calling their parentsinlaw by
their first names. (Seriously, my mom freaked out when she heard
me call the owner of the small company I was working for
"Frank," even though he'd have laughed himself silly if I'd
addressed him as "Mr. Blake.")
Nowadays, things are much more flexible. If you'd call your
husband's father "George" if you knew him socially without a
relationship to his son, why not call him "George" now? But I
think some feel it's odd, as if it's assuming a greater
familiarity with him than his own son has.
In any case, it's whatever works. "George" or "Dad" or "Mr
Mcgillicuddy" are fine as long as everyone feels content and not
secretly grinding their teeth over too much or too little
familiarity.
#Post#: 37500--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: SnappyLT Date: August 26, 2019, 10:13 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=SnappyLT link=topic=1266.msg37249#msg37249
date=1566494963]
I just want to chime in that I always addressed my in-laws by
their first names.
My in-laws are/were delightful people - but they were not my
parents. It never occurred to me to call them dad and mom
because I was an adult when I met them and I was not their
child.
[/quote]
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1266.msg37452#msg37452
date=1566770080]
I’d like to request again that relate our own practices and
preferences in a way that does not imply that other people are
wrong to make other choices. Others do not have to be wrong for
us to be right. That’s always true, but it’s especially
important here where we are also dealing with different cultural
expectations.
As I said, I usually called my in-laws by their first names, and
as a mother-in-law, I am called by my first name myself. So it
is not at all that I am saying that there’s anything wrong with
that!
But I don’t think it’s necessary to state or strongly imply that
that is the only appropriate and healthy choice, because “we are
adults” and “our in-laws are not our parents.” Surely we all
know people who call their in-laws mom and dad; do you feel that
they are not fully adults, or that they must have distorted
parental relationships? Of course not. (And of course it would
be equally wrong to state or imply that the only polite thing to
do is to call them mom and dad, and anything else is
disrespectful.)
Of course, no one has said that explicitly. But I think you know
what I mean. Someone could write, in a string about whether to
change your name when you marry, “I kept my last name because I
am not subsuming my identity to my husband’s,“ and they haven’t
explicitly said that they think anyone who does change their
name has done so. But it’s pretty hard not to hear the tacit
implication, isn’t it? Sometimes just adding something like “to
me, it feels funny because …” can go a long way.
***
I would like to hear more about the conversations people have
had in their own families about this, as guihong has shared. Did
you talk to your in-laws, in either direction, about it? Did
anyone ask anyone else how they felt about it or what names they
would like to use? I don’t recall there being very long
conversations, if any at all, in our family. I don’t think
anyone had very strong feelings one way or the other, though.
.
[/quote]
Gellchom,
Your post appears immediately after my earlier post, so I am
making an assumption that you are referring to my post.
What an interesting assumption you appear to have made (if
indeed you were referring to my post)!
In my post I shared my own experience and my own opinion,
politely. I did not state nor imply that anyone else with a
different opinion was wrong or inferior.
(I've edited this post to be more brief.)
#Post#: 37512--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: TootsNYC Date: August 26, 2019, 11:48 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1266.msg37452#msg37452
date=1566770080]
I’d like to request again that relate our own practices and
preferences in a way that does not imply that other people are
wrong to make other choices. Others do not have to be wrong for
us to be right. T Someone could write, in a string about whether
to change your name when you marry, “I kept my last name because
I am not subsuming my identity to my husband’s,“ and they
haven’t explicitly said that they think anyone who does change
their name has done so. But it’s pretty hard not to hear the
tacit implication, isn’t it? Sometimes just adding something
like “to me, it feels funny because …” can go a long way.
[/quote]
I think it's fair to ask the reader to be the one to add that
qualifier.
People are typing quickly, and I think it's good if we all just
decide to not be offended because someone thinks differently
from us.
#Post#: 37546--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: jazzgirl205 Date: August 26, 2019, 9:35 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=gmatoy link=topic=1266.msg36358#msg36358
date=1565408495]
[quote author=VorFemme link=topic=1266.msg36325#msg36325
date=1565376251]
Wonderful Son In Law (WSIL) calls me by my first name or refers
to me (to his kids) as "Grandma".
Let's say that I've heard some family history, from him, his
sister, and from DD passing along a few tips on what never to
do...even as a joke...that I understand why the usual terms for
a mother or step-mother are not likely to be used by him except
to those who demand them as titles of respect and authority.
Not my story to tell - but I'd rather be called VorFemme or even
"Grandma", in front of the grandkids or "your mother" when he's
talking to my DD. Some term that has no less-than-welcome
emotional "baggage" from his upbringing.
And he teases me the way he teases his kids & wife - so I think
that we're striking a fairly good balance.
As the other joke goes, I don't care much what they call me as
long as they call me for dinner on time! Just don't call me
"Beth" or "Betty", I ran in to a really mean bully named Beth
once and my mother & MIL are both "Betty". Call me something
that won't confuse me as to who is getting called...
[/quote]
Vorfemme, I have never known anyone, other than me, who had a
mother and a MIL with the same name! How amazing!
[/quote]
My mother, MIL, SIL and sister are all named Helen. We named dd
Helen. The 2 older women were the only ones who went by that
name. The 3 others all go by their middle names.
#Post#: 37559--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: TootsNYC Date: August 27, 2019, 10:48 am
---------------------------------------------------------
my dad and my husband have the same name.
They're not around each other much, because we live a ways away
from one another, so usually only my mother was in the room with
both of them at the same time and might find herself saying,
"Bill,..." and have it not be clear.
So she called my husband by his last name when that was the
case.
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