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#Post#: 36438--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Gellchom Date: August 11, 2019, 11:58 am
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As an example of what I meant by “I could ask her why it is
important to her and see if I can find some other way to give
her what it is she needs that won’t make me feel uncomfortable”:
Suppose she tells me that she feels it is disrespectful for
younger generations to call older generations by their first
names alone, a plausible reason she might not like being called
just by her first name, so calling her “Nancy” makes her feel
disrespected. Then I might suggest, “well, how about Miss Nancy
or Mom Smith?” (Or whatever else I could live with, even if I
would have preferred just to call her “Nancy.”). Or suppose she
says it means a lot to her to be called by something that shows
some kind of familiar connection. Then I might suggest something
like “mother-in-law” (or the term in another language) or
grandma if there are kids.
The point is, I think both generations should be willing to
accept something other than their very first choice if it is
making someone else feel uncomfortable. The options are endless,
especially if you think qabout other languages, too. Somewhere
in there is something that everyone can live with – assuming
that that is the goal, not to insist that only our way is right
and no one’s feelings but our own matter (which of course
applies to both generations). Having a mature, harmony-directed
attitude about things like this is one of the greatest gifts you
can give to your spouse/adult child.
#Post#: 36500--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: lisastitch Date: August 12, 2019, 4:21 pm
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From my reading of the story, it sounds as if it's the SIL and
BIL who think he should call the PIL Mom and Dad, not his actual
PIL. Their opinions don't really matter (unless they're putting
pressure on his wife). Talking to the PIL directly is the way
to go.
#Post#: 36542--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Hmmm Date: August 13, 2019, 8:54 am
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[quote author=lisastitch link=topic=1266.msg36500#msg36500
date=1565644863]
From my reading of the story, it sounds as if it's the SIL and
BIL who think he should call the PIL Mom and Dad, not his actual
PIL. Their opinions don't really matter (unless they're putting
pressure on his wife). Talking to the PIL directly is the way
to go.
[/quote]
I didn't read it that way at all. I read it that he gave the
background about his SIL and BIL use of names as background. But
he clearly says his wife was upset about not wanting to use the
names.
#Post#: 36552--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: GardenGal Date: August 13, 2019, 10:51 am
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When my DH and his sister were growing up, their parents wanted
to be called by their first names, so that's what the kids did.
When we got married 50 years ago I didn't even think about it, I
just called DH's parents by their first names, too. Funny thing
is, at some point in the last 10-15 years I noticed that DH had
started calling his mother "mom" instead of her first name,
although my SIL still calls her by her first name. My DH called
my mother by her first name, but neither he nor I can remember
what he called my dad, who died about 30 years ago.
For my son and DIL, however, it's very different. DIL calls DH
and I "mom" and "dad," same as she calls her parents. So when
we're all together with her family it can be a little confusing.
I don't mind it, but I do find it a little odd. My son calls
his in-laws "mom" and, I think, "dad," too, which I also find a
little strange. I think why this strikes me as strange is that
son and DIL both already have people they call "mom" and "dad."
#Post#: 36585--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Bada Date: August 13, 2019, 5:34 pm
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[quote author=Bada link=topic=1266.msg36301#msg36301
date=1565366385]
My sister's husband calls my (step)mom "Mom" exclusively. My
husband and I are not fans of that. It just sounds wrong to us.
[snip]
[/quote]
To add to my own post, and adding a bit to Gardengal's post, I
think what makes it weird when my sister's husband uses "mom" is
that he says stuff like "I was talking to Mom the other day"
when he's talking only to me. In a situation like that, it
would seem like he'd say "I was talking to your mom the other
day." I guess I feel like him not adding the "your" makes it
sound to me like he's claiming equal right to the person and her
title as I have. Since she isn't his mother and never mothered
him (but she gives him buckets full of advice, which I think
makes him the favored son-in-law, because he actually likes to
sit and listen to her advice, unlike my husband and I), it feels
off to me for him to take that kind of familiarity upon himself.
Though I'm sure my (step)mom likes it. So, since it works for
the two of them, I've definitely never said anything!
#Post#: 36596--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: shadowfox79 Date: August 14, 2019, 1:02 am
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I call my inlaws by their first names, but I make a slight nod
to what DH calls his mother when I make reference to her.
We live in Yorkshire. I called my mother Mum, he calls his Mam.
So if I'm referring to her, I'd say "I spoke to your mam this
morning."
It would feel very odd to call his parents Mam and Dad.
#Post#: 36607--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: TootsNYC Date: August 14, 2019, 9:57 am
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[quote author=shadowfox79 link=topic=1266.msg36596#msg36596
date=1565762576]
I call my inlaws by their first names, but I make a slight nod
to what DH calls his mother when I make reference to her.
We live in Yorkshire. I called my mother Mum, he calls his Mam.
So if I'm referring to her, I'd say "I spoke to your mam this
morning."
It would feel very odd to call his parents Mam and Dad.
[/quote]
I kind of wish American English would have as many "ordinary"
options. We have Mom, Mother, and Mommy. And it would sound
weird to have Mum and Mam.
Interestingly, I don't know if I've ever heard my DH directly
address his parents as Mom and Dad.
#Post#: 36680--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Aleko Date: August 15, 2019, 1:58 am
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When DH and I still each had a mother apiece, we both as a
matter of course addressed and referred to our mother as 'Mum',
and our MIL by her name. That led to conversations along these
lines:
I: "How about we take Mabel for a Chinese meal on Saturday?"
He: "Mum doesn't really like Chinese food. Does Jane like it?"
I: "Oh yes, Mum loves it."
He: "OK, we'll take Jane for a Chinese next time she visits,
but we'll take Mum for roast beef at the Crown."
Now, that might look slightly confusing written down: but as
voiced by two people each of whom have a mother of their own,
it's crystal-clear. IMO the need for different
relationship-names only arises for grandparents, because
children actually do have two of each. When I was a child, my
mother's father was Grandfather to us kids, and my father's
father was Grandpa, so no confusion. (Both my parents had lost
their mother many years before they married; but if those ladies
had still been alive for us to know them, they would surely have
been Grandmother and Grandma.)
#Post#: 36684--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Soop Date: August 15, 2019, 7:27 am
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Like some others here, I call my MIL by her first name. she's
not my Mom, so I'm not going to call her that. Same with my
parents and DH.
But when thinking about it more, I realized that it so rarely
comes up that I call her by anything at all. If I am referring
to her in conversation with someone unrelated, I say 'DH's mom',
when I'm talking with DH or his sisters, it's 'your mom'. When
I'm with MIL, I don't really call her by anything, cause she's
right there.
#Post#: 36709--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: TootsNYC Date: August 15, 2019, 11:33 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1266.msg36680#msg36680
date=1565852332]
IMO the need for different relationship-names only arises for
grandparents, because children actually do have two of each.
When I was a child, my mother's father was Grandfather to us
kids, and my father's father was Grandpa, so no confusion. (Both
my parents had lost their mother many years before they married;
but if those ladies had still been alive for us to know them,
they would surely have been Grandmother and Grandma.)
[/quote]
We used Grandpa and Grandma for both sides. If we ever needed to
differentiate, we'd add the last name. "this is my present for
Grandma Johnson, and this is my present for Grandma Adams."
But when there was only one of them in context, it was just
Grandma and Grandpa, and that was also how we directly addressed
them. They were rarely in the same room because they lived in
different states (weddings, I think, and we'd add the last name
if they were sitting together, to avoid confusion.)
My nieces and nephews used Grandpa and Poppy, but there was a
bigger chance of them being in the same room as they lived in
the same town.
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