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#Post#: 36313--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: XRogue Date: August 9, 2019, 12:39 pm
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I use my current MIL's first name. That's what she likes and I
am comfy enough with it. Outside her presence, DH and I use late
FIL's nickname for her, Garden Gnome.
ExMIL was a different story. She wanted to be "Mom LastName". I
was not good with that, since my late unlamented paternal
grandmother wanted to be called by the mom nickname her favorite
child had christened her with when he was a toddler. PGM tried
to make my dad divorce my mother and give custody of DSis and
myself to her, since PGM believed my parents were incompetent.
(far from true)
I explained this to ExMIL who was not.happy. Stood my ground and
said well how bout I find a nickname for you instead? She was
good with that and was prompty christened Moogie. (for the non
Trekkies out there, Moogie was a Deep Space 9 character who
staunchly resisted the way her species' females were treated. A
thing I was hoping ExMil would do, ExFIL was a jerk.)
She never got the joke, but it was said with affection by me, in
spite of the fact she and I did not get along.
#Post#: 36323--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Codewoman Date: August 9, 2019, 1:18 pm
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I work with people of a variety of ages in a relatively informal
setting. When I first started, I noticed the "Adult" women were
called "Miss First name". I thought we should all refer to one
another this way and began to use it. Now we all do. I like the
sense of friendly familiarity with respect added on.
I never called my in-laws anything and my ex was same with my
parents. There also wasn't much time, all of them passed away
shortly after we were married (illness).
#Post#: 36325--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: VorFemme Date: August 9, 2019, 1:44 pm
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Wonderful Son In Law (WSIL) calls me by my first name or refers
to me (to his kids) as "Grandma".
Let's say that I've heard some family history, from him, his
sister, and from DD passing along a few tips on what never to
do...even as a joke...that I understand why the usual terms for
a mother or step-mother are not likely to be used by him except
to those who demand them as titles of respect and authority.
Not my story to tell - but I'd rather be called VorFemme or even
"Grandma", in front of the grandkids or "your mother" when he's
talking to my DD. Some term that has no less-than-welcome
emotional "baggage" from his upbringing.
And he teases me the way he teases his kids & wife - so I think
that we're striking a fairly good balance.
As the other joke goes, I don't care much what they call me as
long as they call me for dinner on time! Just don't call me
"Beth" or "Betty", I ran in to a really mean bully named Beth
once and my mother & MIL are both "Betty". Call me something
that won't confuse me as to who is getting called...
#Post#: 36330--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Hmmm Date: August 9, 2019, 2:42 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1266.msg36288#msg36288
date=1565361766]
I also would just not feel comfortable calling my in-laws "mom"
and "dad."
And we are pretty close!
Those are titles, not names. And they are titles of affection
and authority (and responsibility). Which I wouldn't give to an
in-law, because I don't have the same level of affection as with
my own parents (to be fair, I wouldn't give my own parents the
authority part anymore, so that's much more about the idea that
I'm grownup enough to get married; no one but my spouse has
familial authority or responsibility anymore).
But I don't think it's polite in the least to tell someone to
give you a TITLE like that.
The only thing you get to dictate is the name (and the version
of it).
And you get veto power over titles of affection (someone who
wants to use one should tread carefully and ask for, or be alert
to, feedback.
I think that if I wanted to call my FIL "Pops" and he didn't
like it, he could tell me to change.
Of course, we could go on a tangent about when something is a
title or a name, but here it's pretty clear.
I was sort of lucky; once we had kids, I could just call my ILs
"grandma" and "grandpa," which they liked.
But now that my kids are grown/growing up, and aren't with us
when we get together, it feels a little weirder to refer to them
with those titles, because they're not in that role.
But I'm having trouble going back to their names. Even so, even
with me kind of wishing for a title I could use, I'd never call
them Mom and Dad.
My dad called his MIL "Mom Johnson," even to her directly,
instead of her first name--I think because he felt the first
name was too familiar--but just using "Mom" felt too familiar as
well. And he admired and liked her greatly, and she thought he
was her best SIL.
[/quote]
Toots, your post hit a few points with me.
1. I hadn't thought of Mom & Dad as more roles than names but I
think that explains why I would never use a parental name to
address my inlaws. While affection doesn't play into my
feelings, I have never thought of them having any authority over
me nor do I think they owed me anything. I know too many people
who do not like their parents or their inlaws but still use
those terms so to me, the title and level of affection have
nothing to do with each other.
2. I know my parents were more formal than many. In today's
environment, I think people would assume my sister's and I
weren't close to our mom if they heard us calling her Mother,
but we often used it over Mom (Daddy disliked Mom and Dad).
My Father hated hearing anyone call their male parent "Pop". He
found it extremely disrespectful. In HS a bunch of my friends
started call my Mom Momma FN. One smart ass decided to greet my
Dad with "hey Pops" and smart ass was kicked out of the house.
3. I also don't equate title with familiarity. My SIL and I
sometimes calls each other Sis. (When DH and I married, she was
thrilled to finally have a sister) I don't use that name with
any of my sisters but I am definitely closer to them than I am
my SIL.
#Post#: 36358--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: gmatoy Date: August 9, 2019, 10:41 pm
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[quote author=VorFemme link=topic=1266.msg36325#msg36325
date=1565376251]
Wonderful Son In Law (WSIL) calls me by my first name or refers
to me (to his kids) as "Grandma".
Let's say that I've heard some family history, from him, his
sister, and from DD passing along a few tips on what never to
do...even as a joke...that I understand why the usual terms for
a mother or step-mother are not likely to be used by him except
to those who demand them as titles of respect and authority.
Not my story to tell - but I'd rather be called VorFemme or even
"Grandma", in front of the grandkids or "your mother" when he's
talking to my DD. Some term that has no less-than-welcome
emotional "baggage" from his upbringing.
And he teases me the way he teases his kids & wife - so I think
that we're striking a fairly good balance.
As the other joke goes, I don't care much what they call me as
long as they call me for dinner on time! Just don't call me
"Beth" or "Betty", I ran in to a really mean bully named Beth
once and my mother & MIL are both "Betty". Call me something
that won't confuse me as to who is getting called...
[/quote]
Vorfemme, I have never known anyone, other than me, who had a
mother and a MIL with the same name! How amazing!
#Post#: 36360--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: LifeOnPluto Date: August 9, 2019, 11:42 pm
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I haven't read the article, but I'm on the LW's side. He
certainly should not be forced to call his in-laws Mom and Dad
if he's not comfortable with that (and Toots makes an excellent
point about those being more like titles, than names).
In my circles (Australian, aged in my 30s) every single person I
know - including myself - calls their in-laws by their first
names. Mr and Mrs X sounds way too formal, as does "sir" and
"ma'am".
If the LW's in-law don't want him calling them by their first
names, then all parties need to sit down and come to some kind
of compromise. Perhaps LW could call his in-laws by affectionate
nicknames or something?
#Post#: 36372--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Aleko Date: August 10, 2019, 3:18 am
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It boggles my mind that anyone could think it reasonable to
demand to be addressed as 'Mom' or 'Dad' by anyone who has
married one of their children. (A) your SIL/DIL is not your own
child, and you are not their parent; and (B) 'Mom' and 'Dad' (or
whatever names a person uses for their parents) are very special
and particular titles. It's almost as bad as if a
divorced/widowed person marries again and insists their children
call the new spouse 'Mom'/'Dad'. It's nice if the relationship
deepens over time so that they eventually come to look on that
person as an extra parent and if they do they might take to
addressing them accordingly, but nobody is entitled to demand it
right off the bat. (And someone may dearly love a parent-in-law
without feeling any need to call them by the same name they call
their own parent. It's just different.)
I'm amazed that 'what to call the parents-in-law' is an issue at
all, tbh. I don't know anyone who actually got hitched without
getting on first-name terms with their intended's parents. When
Future-DH first took me home to meet his, I said 'Hello, Mrs
Surname'; she said straight away 'No, no, call us Mabel and
Jim', so I did; and there was no question of changing that for
some special title when I actually married their son. That's
normal with everyone I know.
#Post#: 36378--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Thitpualso Date: August 10, 2019, 10:35 am
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This was an odd issue for us. Mr. Thipu always called my
parents by their first names. That was easy for all concerned
because my Dad and Mr. Thipu worked in similar industries. When
we visited my parents it was usual for the two men to go out for
a beer together. Dad regarded Mr. Thipu as much a colleague as
a SIL.
On his side, it was different. As soon as we got engaged, MIL
announced, ‘You are in our family now. You must call us Mom and
Dad.’
That was true but I was still in my birth family and both of my
parents were still alive. There was also the complication that
SIL’s husband called both by their first names and even their
Chinese names. I tried that once and got verbally slapped down
for it. Of course, SIL and her husband had provided the In laws
with three grandchildren. Mr. Thipu and never had children. I
think that had something to do with it.
Eventually, I did call them Mom and Dad but that got odd too.
When MIL moved to a senior community we were old enough to be
her neighbors. On one visit, we went out for lunch with one of
her real neighbors. The lady said, ‘Of course you address MIL
by her first name.’
‘Well, no. I have to use ‘Mom”.
‘Ooookay.’
What seems to be a simple matter of address can become very
convoluted.
#Post#: 36379--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Gellchom Date: August 10, 2019, 11:01 am
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I’d like to request that we dial back a little bit our shock at
others’ practices and preferences.
There are many cultures and societies in which it simply is not
acceptable to call elders, especially elderly relatives, simply
by their first name.
I never call my own mother or even my aunts and uncles by their
first names alone. I might refer to them in the third person by
first name alone, depending on the context. As I wrote above,
I usually called my mother-in-law by her first name, sometimes
Grandma, but also often Mom. It just depended on the context.
No, I didn’t feel especially thrilled about calling her Mom. But
it didn’t especially bother me, either, and I knew it meant a
lot to her. I’m also sure that if it had bothered me, she
would have told me not to do it. So, in my case – and I stress
I am talking about my specific situation – it was a good choice.
And I can think of other families where the in-laws were dearly
beloved and their sons- and daughters-in-law delighted in
calling them by the names their own children did.
I readily acknowledge that for other people it is much more
complex and loaded, and I certainly don’t think they should make
the same choice, let alone be “forced” to or have it “demanded”
of them, (although I think the posts that have included those
words have strayed a bit from the general discussion).
But I think it is possible to make that point and support that
position without implying that anyone who chooses to call their
in-laws Mom and Dad is making a terrible choice that no rational
adult would voluntarily make. (Aleko, I do see your qualifiers
about demands, not choices, and I agree, no one should be
forced).
This seems to me to be an issue that families could either
choose to make an emotional conflict, or use as a way to
understand each other and maybe even grow closer. A problem to
solve, not a battle to win.
Let’s say I am not comfortable calling my mother-in-law mom,
but I know she wants it. I could either dig in my heels and say
that no one is going to tell me what to do, or I could ask her
why it is important to her and see if I can find some other way
to give her what it is she needs that won’t make me feel
uncomortable. And maybe she has no idea that it makes me feel
uncomfortable; why not give her a chance to be considerate, too?
She may even have a better suggestion. There are so many
choices, after all.
#Post#: 36432--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Copper Horsewoman Date: August 11, 2019, 10:28 am
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"What is other's opinions? Should the in-laws' preference take
precedence?"
Having the conversation is a mark of mutual respect, and can go
a long way to making the connection closer, if there is any
warmth at all.
In my case, my mother was always Mom, and my DH's mother was
always Mama, so to refer to them in the third person was Mom
(Herlastname) and Mama (Herlastname). To their faces, Mom and
Mama (on the rare occasions they were in the same room) was
enough to differentiate, and neither made any fuss about that.
Dad and Pop are enough different, too. So, maybe we got lucky.
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