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#Post#: 36281--------------------------------------------------
Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Hmmm Date: August 9, 2019, 9:14 am
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I was reading this article where a LW and his wife are
disagreeing on what he should call his in-laws. He says he was
using their first names prior to the marriage and prefers to
continue to do that. His wife wants me to use Mom & Dad, which
is what her BIL calls her parents. Wife was upset when he said
it weirded him out to do since that was what he calls his
parents.
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/ask-someone-elses-mom/2019/8/8/what-does-he-call-new-in-laws
The response said he should have the discussion with her parents
to get their input and if the parents don't like him using their
first name, agree upon a different parental nomenclature.
Reading the comments, others suggested he should use what the
parents wanted him to use.
I was surprised by the suggestion that the LW should acquiesce
to the in-laws preference. While I do think it is best to ue the
name a person prefers, I don't think it is right that in this
situation.
What is other's opinions? Should the in-laws' preference take
precedence?
I will admit that I have strong feelings on this. Even with our
extremely close and loving relationship, I never considered
using Mom or Dad with my inlaws. I also don't think the name
implies closeness. I have 2 sisters who couldn't' stand their
FIL's (and their FIL's weren't too keen on either of them) and
they both called them Dad.
Also, any unusual stories about in-law names? My mom and my aunt
both called their in-laws by their last names. My Dad called my
mom's mother Miss Firstname, but so did most of the community. I
only ever heard him address my grandfather as Sir and if he was
referring to him he said "your grandfather" or "your Father" if
talking to my mom and sometimes Mr. Lastname.
#Post#: 36285--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Chez Miriam Date: August 9, 2019, 9:28 am
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I can't access that link, for some reason [uexpress is ringing a
bell of inaccessibility] - could you tell me if it's Dear
Prudence, or Miss Manners; I can often find the question posted
on another site if I know who the Agony Aunt is.
My dad called my maternal grandparents "mum and dad", and my mum
called her in-laws "mum-in-law and pop". My husband calls my
mum "Agnes", and I call his "Janet".
There's no way on earth I would call her "mum"; I would much
rather address her as "Mrs LastName"!
I don't think it's a great start to a marriage, telling one half
of it [husband] that they should bow to the wishes of the
family-of-origin [in-laws] of the other spouse [wife] without
any discussion as to their wishes; way to tell them they're not
important in this relationship?
#Post#: 36287--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Rose Red Date: August 9, 2019, 9:36 am
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I will never call anyone mom and dad (or variations) except my
own parents. I would either call them by their name, Mr. and
Mrs., or speak with them to come up with a warm nickname.
Some cultures have a title for in-laws and I think that would be
such a relief.
#Post#: 36288--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: TootsNYC Date: August 9, 2019, 9:42 am
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I also would just not feel comfortable calling my in-laws "mom"
and "dad."
And we are pretty close!
Those are titles, not names. And they are titles of affection
and authority (and responsibility). Which I wouldn't give to an
in-law, because I don't have the same level of affection as with
my own parents (to be fair, I wouldn't give my own parents the
authority part anymore, so that's much more about the idea that
I'm grownup enough to get married; no one but my spouse has
familial authority or responsibility anymore).
But I don't think it's polite in the least to tell someone to
give you a TITLE like that.
The only thing you get to dictate is the name (and the version
of it).
And you get veto power over titles of affection (someone who
wants to use one should tread carefully and ask for, or be alert
to, feedback.
I think that if I wanted to call my FIL "Pops" and he didn't
like it, he could tell me to change.
Of course, we could go on a tangent about when something is a
title or a name, but here it's pretty clear.
I was sort of lucky; once we had kids, I could just call my ILs
"grandma" and "grandpa," which they liked.
But now that my kids are grown/growing up, and aren't with us
when we get together, it feels a little weirder to refer to them
with those titles, because they're not in that role.
But I'm having trouble going back to their names. Even so, even
with me kind of wishing for a title I could use, I'd never call
them Mom and Dad.
My dad called his MIL "Mom Johnson," even to her directly,
instead of her first name--I think because he felt the first
name was too familiar--but just using "Mom" felt too familiar as
well. And he admired and liked her greatly, and she thought he
was her best SIL.
#Post#: 36291--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Hmmm Date: August 9, 2019, 9:51 am
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[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1266.msg36285#msg36285
date=1565360920]
I can't access that link, for some reason [uexpress is ringing a
bell of inaccessibility] - could you tell me if it's Dear
Prudence, or Miss Manners; I can often find the question posted
on another site if I know who the Agony Aunt is.
My dad called my maternal grandparents "mum and dad", and my mum
called her in-laws "mum-in-law and pop". My husband calls my
mum "Agnes", and I call his "Janet".
There's no way on earth I would call her "mum"; I would much
rather address her as "Mrs LastName"!
I don't think it's a great start to a marriage, telling one half
of it [husband] that they should bow to the wishes of the
family-of-origin [in-laws] of the other spouse [wife] without
any discussion as to their wishes; way to tell them they're not
important in this relationship?
[/quote]
I'ts the "Ask Someone Else's Mom" column from 08 Aug.
#Post#: 36295--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: TootsNYC Date: August 9, 2019, 10:15 am
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1266.msg36291#msg36291
date=1565362275]
I'ts the "Ask Someone Else's Mom" column from 08 Aug.
[/quote]
Aw, man!
I was going to start an "advice-giving speaker" series for
middle-school and high-school kids and call it "Somebody Else's
Mother" or "Not Your Mom."
They beat me to it.
It's a good idea, though--to get the "mom" level of life
experience and insight and sense of authority, but without all
the baggage of the pressure you feel when your own mom issues a
judgment.
(My speech series is going to be, "grownups are often
emphasizing the wrong thing." My second speech is going to be
"how to get your parents off your back": (1) make a plan; (2)
share the plan; (3) do the plan. Speech 3 will be: "cleanliness
is not next to godliness--it's just more efficient and it saves
money")
#Post#: 36298--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Chez Miriam Date: August 9, 2019, 10:35 am
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1266.msg36291#msg36291
date=1565362275]
[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1266.msg36285#msg36285
date=1565360920]
I can't access that link, for some reason [uexpress is ringing a
bell of inaccessibility] - could you tell me if it's Dear
Prudence, or Miss Manners; I can often find the question posted
on another site if I know who the Agony Aunt is.
My dad called my maternal grandparents "mum and dad", and my mum
called her in-laws "mum-in-law and pop". My husband calls my
mum "Agnes", and I call his "Janet".
There's no way on earth I would call her "mum"; I would much
rather address her as "Mrs LastName"!
I don't think it's a great start to a marriage, telling one half
of it [husband] that they should bow to the wishes of the
family-of-origin [in-laws] of the other spouse [wife] without
any discussion as to their wishes; way to tell them they're not
important in this relationship?
[/quote]
I'ts the "Ask Someone Else's Mom" column from 08 Aug.
[/quote]
Ah, thanks for that; I found another host which said I couldn't
access it because I'm in the EEA/EU, so that's probably why I
have problems with uexpress. :'(
Thinking about this thread, I'm pretty sure my paternal
grandfather wanted my mum to call them "mum & dad", and
"mum-in-law & pop" was the closest my mum could bring herself to
doing that.
With my dad, calling his in-laws "mum & dad" was much less
problematic [there was an enormous amount of love and affection
going both ways in that relationship]. :'( Also, I can't see
them asking, but my dad just deciding.
I suspect a lot of that is an English/generational/class thing?
#Post#: 36300--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Gellchom Date: August 9, 2019, 10:48 am
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I usually called my MIL Doris, but sometimes Grandma (when the
kids were around), sometimes Mom, and sometimes "Big D"! I
know I never called my in-laws "Mr. and Mrs." after I was
married. That seems so cold to me, but then, I have never heard
anyone do that, except on a TV show in the 60s (and I thought it
sounded strange then).
Many years ago, I realized I wasn't even sure what my husband
called my parents. I asked my mother, and she said he didn't
really call them anything until the grandchildren were born,
then he called them Bubbie and Gramps, as the kids did.
Hmmm reports that in her family, some people did use last names:
[quote] My mom and my aunt both called their in-laws by their
last names. My Dad called my mom's mother Miss Firstname, but so
did most of the community. I only ever heard him address my
grandfather as Sir and if he was referring to him he said "your
grandfather" or "your Father" if talking to my mom and sometimes
Mr. Lastname.
[/quote]
I really like the bolded. I have long thought that it's a shame
that, at least outside of the south and in some African-American
communities, it is rare to hear "Miss Laura" and "Mr. Stan" for
children addressing adults and adults addressing adults of an
older generation -- it seems to me to be the perfect blend of
respect and intimacy. The kids in a high school mentoring
program where I volunteer are told to address us that way, and
when, occasionally, someone with young children asks me how they
should address me, I suggest that (but tell them that whatever
they want to teach their kids is fine). Usually if they ask it
is because they too want something that is both informal but
respectful. I hope it is not just that they don't like the
honorific "Ms." (which is the only one that is correct for me,
as I do not share my husband's surname).
#Post#: 36301--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Bada Date: August 9, 2019, 10:59 am
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My sister's husband calls my (step)mom "Mom" exclusively. My
husband and I are not fans of that. It just sounds wrong to us.
He was calling my parents "Mr. and Mrs." for a while. I'll admit
that I pushed back on that. I reminded him that he's an adult (a
doctor no less, if we're getting hung up on titles!) and that my
parents didn't expect such formality. I clued him in on my
(step)mom's lingo: When we were kids, if she told a story, she'd
refer to my dad as "Mr. Smith." But when she talks to DH, she
refers to my dad as "Bob." It's her way of signalling what she'd
like to be called and that first names are ok.
When I mentioned all of this to my dad (shortly after my
wedding), he looked at DH and said, "oh, I can solve that
problem! Call me Dad!" DH and I agreed later that was probably
never going to happen. Too weird for us.
We mostly avoid using names/titles these days, or we say
"Grandma/Grandpa".
ETA: my MIL is the best, and I tried to call her Mom. I still
have her saved in my phone as Mom Lucille, but I've decided to
never call her Mom and to stick with Grandma. It was just too
weird.
#Post#: 36302--------------------------------------------------
Re: Agreeing on what to call your inlaws
By: Luci Date: August 9, 2019, 11:18 am
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We got that out of the way first thing. When our college age
kids brought home a friend, we just told them to call us by our
first names. We couldn’t do that earlier because I worked in
school district libraries and DH was a teacher, so worked with
the kids on a professional level. DH called my parents by there
first names and I didn’t really call my in-laws anything except
rarely Mom and Dad, which I hated. I don’t remember what my
parents called their in-laws.
It’s all so awkward. I do wish we could keep using Mr. or Miss
first name. I like that other languages have a name for in-laws.
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