DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Life in General
*****************************************************
#Post#: 35862--------------------------------------------------
Socializing during chores
By: NFPwife Date: August 2, 2019, 3:23 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I mentioned in another thread that I've been thinking about
starting a thread about this - here's my question, What
techniques do you have for balancing being neighborly with
ending a conversation so you can get things done? (Or get on
with your day?)
A couple examples that standout -
DH and I stopped at the local gas station to put air in our
tires - it's $1.25 for about 3 minutes of air. Spencer a friend
of DH's parents, who'd been a fellow "sports parent" with them,
stopped, shook DH's hand (while DH was actively putting air in
the tires), and began catching up on what Spencer's son had been
up to - somewhere around the son's divorce, I grabbed the air
thingy and tried to get the tires finished. I didn't get it done
alone and had to run in for change. To this day, every time we
see Spencer I joke that he owes me $1.25. (To DH, not Spencer -
I'll say "I forgot to collect my $1.25! I need to get the
compounded interest too!)
Our next door neighbor had a habit of running out as soon as he
heard the lawnmower. DH isn't interested in chatting and just
wants to bust out the lawn work. He has bad allergies and really
wants it done. DH would say a couple things and then try to get
back to mowing. Neighbor stood in the way of the lawnmower and
even said to DH, "Turn that off." One of DH's strategies was to
wait until later in the evening and then say, "Can't. I'm
burning daylight." Or, "I need to get this done because (blah,
blah, blah.)" One more strategy was that I would listen for
neighbor, run out and "chastise" DH for goofing off and then I'd
talk to neighbor while DH mowed. (This was DH's idea and I hated
it. I had things I wanted to get done, too. Neighbor would still
be talking while DH was putting the lawn mower away.) Finally,
we started paying our nephew to mow the grass. (That's not
working and is probably another thread.)
Three times in one week, DH and I pulled into our detached
garage after being out and a different neighbor, out walking his
dog, stopped and waited for us to get out. Each of the times,
we'd done some shopping and errands, gone out to dinner, and
been out for a while. We had things to get out of the car and,
once, I really had to go to the bathroom. Each time it was past
11:00 p.m. One night I just said, "I'm sorry, I really need to
use the bathroom," took the keys from DH and let myself in.
(Side note, the dog in this scenario really wants petted. It
pulls on it's leash towards us and we actively step away. No
offense to dog lovers, but DH is also allergic to dogs and I'm
not interested in showering that late to get into bed.)
So, I'm curious what others, especially those of you in small
towns, have encountered and your ideas.
#Post#: 35869--------------------------------------------------
Re: Socializing during chores
By: TaurusGirl Date: August 2, 2019, 3:42 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I lived in a small town for a while (population around 1000) and
I totally feel you!
I got very adept at just not stopping moving. Still
acknowledging the person, but making it clear that I can't/won't
be interrupted.
- carrying groceries in: "oh hey bob, good to see you, hope
you're having a good weekend" while continuing to walk with my
arms full
- mowing the lawn: "Hi marvin, nice weather we're having! Gotta
get this done, see you around" and then starting the lawnmower
I always did this with a pleasant tone, and made sure to stop
and say hi to people if I saw them and neither of us were busy.
It took a bit, but neighbours seemed to learn that when
TaurusGirl was in the middle of something, she would finish up.
I had one neighbour who took offense and made some comment about
how I wasn't neighbourly enough to chat. I said I'd be happy to
chat when I wasn't in the middle of work that *had* to get done,
and to approach me next time they saw me just relaxing. Seemed
to go over ok.
#Post#: 35873--------------------------------------------------
Re: Socializing during chores
By: Chez Miriam Date: August 2, 2019, 4:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree with everything TaurusGirl said: a 'moving target' is
much harder to hit.
I can move swiftly, and will talk over my shoulder as I'm
heading away to say "gotta run!" or "can't stop!".
I do think it's important to make time for a bit of socialising,
but do it on your terms/in your own time.
Good luck, because it sounds like a fair bit of 're-training' is
needed here.
#Post#: 35908--------------------------------------------------
Re: Socializing during chores
By: lakey Date: August 3, 2019, 2:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]Our next door neighbor had a habit of running out as soon
as he heard the lawnmower. DH isn't interested in chatting and
just wants to bust out the lawn work. He has bad allergies and
really wants it done. DH would say a couple things and then try
to get back to mowing. Neighbor stood in the way of the
lawnmower and even said to DH, "Turn that off." One of DH's
strategies was to wait until later in the evening and then say,
"Can't. I'm burning daylight." Or, "I need to get this done
because (blah, blah, blah.)" One more strategy was that I would
listen for neighbor, run out and "chastise" DH for goofing off
and then I'd talk to neighbor while DH mowed. (This was DH's
idea and I hated it. I had things I wanted to get done, too.
Neighbor would still be talking while DH was putting the lawn
mower away.) Finally, we started paying our nephew to mow the
grass. (That's not working and is probably another thread.)
[/quote]
NFPwife, I feel like a heartless person for admitting this, but
I laughed at this. Your neighbor has got to be one of the most
oblivious people on the planet.
Anyway, if you get tired of paying someone to mow your lawn to
avoid this character, maybe you could get your husband some
noise-cancelling headphones. He could wear them when he mows,
and when neighbor comes over, point to them and mouth, "Can't
hear you." Then go around the guy.
I think that the way to handle people who won't take hints is
that you start out being nice about it, being very careful with
your tone. If they ignore you and don't stop, then you are free
to be a bit more direct.
I've had people try to stop me to talk when I was taking
groceries into the house, including frozen items. I've also had
people try to talk to me as I was heading out to the car to go
to an appointment. If I explain why I can't stop, and they keep
talking, I say, "No, I REALLY have to go."
#Post#: 35936--------------------------------------------------
Re: Socializing during chores
By: Victoria Date: August 4, 2019, 8:32 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I’ve found that the biggest key is that oblivious people, or
people who have time to talk, and don’t realize/care you don’t,
are not going to respond to hints of any sort. The oblivious
won’t notice them, and the people who have all the time in the
world will ignore them.
The best thing you can do is be pleasant but firm, and not
engage for more than a couple of sentences before saying
something like “It was great to see you, gotta keep my heart
rate up/get the ice cream in before it melts/finish the lawn.”
After that, when they keep trying to suck you into conversation,
you continue to say a version of “goodbye,” like “Yes, I heard
about that, we’ll talk later” or “Hope it works out, see you
tomorrow.” Don’t ask questions, don’t engage. In the case of
chores that you’re doing outside (as a captive audience)
continue going about your work, or start asking them to help or
handing them things.
I think the biggest thing to remember is that you only have so
much time and bandwidth in your day and in your life in general.
It’s not worth expending energy to have long conversations that
you don’t want to have, and telling people that you can’t/won’t
chat with them (in a neutral/pleasant way) isn’t rude.
#Post#: 35944--------------------------------------------------
Re: Socializing during chores
By: Aleko Date: August 4, 2019, 12:42 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
In the shoes of NFPwife and her DH I would be quite frank:
"Sorry, but the longer I stay out here the worse my hay fever is
making me feel. Gotta finish this and get indoors before I go
into meltdown." "Sorry - I'm bursting to get to the bathroom.
Gangway! Catch you later!"
#Post#: 35945--------------------------------------------------
Re: Socializing during chores
By: Lkdrymom Date: August 4, 2019, 1:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Had this problem when I bought my first house at 24. We had
elderly neighbors who would stop us every time we were outside
to impart their wisdom on us. Got to the point you couldn't get
anything done outside as they wanted to chat for at least 30
minutes each time. Wouldn't have minded if we were done working
and just hanging out outside. But it was always as you were
pushing the lawn mower or had an open can of paint and paint
brush in your hand or half way up a ladder.
#Post#: 35949--------------------------------------------------
Re: Socializing during chores
By: malfoyfan13 Date: August 4, 2019, 2:05 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
My neighbors are just the opposite of what's described here. It
would be a shock to me if any of them actually stopped to chat.
My neighbor on one side actually gets this look on her face when
she sees me or my husband, like "Oh no! Gotta get away before
they try to talk!" Not that we've ever even talked to her
except maybe one time, when they had their roof done and I asked
if they'd have their workers pick up the debris they tossed into
our side yard. (She is always hurrying into her car or into
someone else's car.) I guess they think "white hair = overly
chatty annoying old folks". I'm always happy to wave and say
hello to people I see but I never try to engage them in
long-winded talk - although I'd be happy to chat for a few
minutes if they wanted to.
I guess small town life is a lot different than where I live!
It sounds nice in a way but I can understand when you're trying
to get things done, you want to be able to move on and get on
with it.
#Post#: 35965--------------------------------------------------
Re: Socializing during chores
By: Hmmm Date: August 5, 2019, 8:31 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=NFPwife link=topic=1256.msg35862#msg35862
date=1564777414]
I mentioned in another thread that I've been thinking about
starting a thread about this - here's my question, What
techniques do you have for balancing being neighborly with
ending a conversation so you can get things done? (Or get on
with your day?)
A couple examples that standout -
DH and I stopped at the local gas station to put air in our
tires - it's $1.25 for about 3 minutes of air. Spencer a friend
of DH's parents, who'd been a fellow "sports parent" with them,
stopped, shook DH's hand (while DH was actively putting air in
the tires), and began catching up on what Spencer's son had been
up to - somewhere around the son's divorce, I grabbed the air
thingy and tried to get the tires finished. I didn't get it done
alone and had to run in for change. To this day, every time we
see Spencer I joke that he owes me $1.25. (To DH, not Spencer -
I'll say "I forgot to collect my $1.25! I need to get the
compounded interest too!)
DH should have said "sorry, this is on a timer" and kept airing
after he shook his friends hand.
Our next door neighbor had a habit of running out as soon as he
heard the lawnmower. DH isn't interested in chatting and just
wants to bust out the lawn work. He has bad allergies and really
wants it done. DH would say a couple things and then try to get
back to mowing. Neighbor stood in the way of the lawnmower and
even said to DH, "Turn that off." One of DH's strategies was to
wait until later in the evening and then say, "Can't. I'm
burning daylight." Or, "I need to get this done because (blah,
blah, blah.)" One more strategy was that I would listen for
neighbor, run out and "chastise" DH for goofing off and then I'd
talk to neighbor while DH mowed. (This was DH's idea and I hated
it. I had things I wanted to get done, too. Neighbor would still
be talking while DH was putting the lawn mower away.) Finally,
we started paying our nephew to mow the grass. (That's not
working and is probably another thread.)
DH should just say "Sorry, I don't have time to chat right now.
I'll stop by later."
Three times in one week, DH and I pulled into our detached
garage after being out and a different neighbor, out walking his
dog, stopped and waited for us to get out. Each of the times,
we'd done some shopping and errands, gone out to dinner, and
been out for a while. We had things to get out of the car and,
once, I really had to go to the bathroom. Each time it was past
11:00 p.m. One night I just said, "I'm sorry, I really need to
use the bathroom," took the keys from DH and let myself in.
(Side note, the dog in this scenario really wants petted. It
pulls on it's leash towards us and we actively step away. No
offense to dog lovers, but DH is also allergic to dogs and I'm
not interested in showering that late to get into bed.)
With this one, neither of you should stop moving. A "Hi, nice
evening." can be said as you are moving toward the door and
entering. Stopping what you are doing implies you have time for
and welcome a chat.
So, I'm curious what others, especially those of you in small
towns, have encountered and your ideas.
[/quote]
#Post#: 35988--------------------------------------------------
Re: Socializing during chores
By: lisastitch Date: August 5, 2019, 12:56 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Our neighbor used to be very chatty. He'd come out and talk to
me when I was gardening in the front yard. He could keep going
for a LONG time! I didn't go out into the yard without my cell
phone in my pocket, so that if I really needed to get away, I
could pull out the phone and say, "Sorry! Gotta answer this!"
as I headed back inside.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page