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#Post#: 34981--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Hmmm Date: July 20, 2019, 4:25 pm
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In my opinion, I think it depends on how long the mother and her
daughters disappear into the kitchen. If they greet the guests,
chat for a while and then disappear into the kitchen for 15 to
20 minutes, then I then I agree that it is a normal division of
labor when hosting. But if they are gone from the guests for
more than 20 minutes, then I think their behavior starts falling
into neglectful of the guests invited by her mom.
#Post#: 34988--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Victim Of Fate Date: July 20, 2019, 8:04 pm
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Thanks for all the responses so far. A little bit of context:
The kind of events I'm talking about are when a moderate number
of guests are invited round for dinner. So, for example, a
typical event might see MIL, FIL, SIL, DW and me, along with
MIL's cousin and her husband, MIL's elderly aunt, and a couple
who are close friends with MIL and FIL along with one of their
grown up children. So, in this example, 5 members of the hosting
family and 6 guests.
Guests will be invited to arrive at around 7pm, with an
expectation that dinner will be served at 8ish. They'll sit in
the living room and be offered drinks, and there'll be
conversation among everybody for a while. After about 15
minutes, MIL will excuse herself and go off to the kitchen. Food
will normally have been cooked already, but MIL will now be
warming things up, transferring to serving dishes, and adding
finishing touches,
After a few more minutes, SIL or DW will excuse themselves to go
and help their mother, and not long after the other one will do
the same. MIL is a bit of a perfectionist and gets stressed very
quickly, so I do understand why they are both keen to help her
out, but as Aleko hypothesises, there is way less work needed
that can be done by three people for as long as they tend to
take. Without wanting to speculate too much on motivation, I
think it is a combination of them not wanting MIL to get too
stressed out, and also wanting to hang out with each other - the
upshot is that you have three out of five "hosts" absent from
the location where the guests are.
FIL is a fairly reserved guy. He can be funny and engaging with
people he is familiar with, but otherwise he is not a great
conversationalist. For what it's worth, I don't think he feels
uncomfortable, but I do, and I get the impression that guests do
too, especially when frequent silences are punctuated by the
sound of laughter and mirth coming from the kitchen (MIL insists
on keeping the kitchen door closed so that the smell doesn't
pervade the entire house, which combined with the layout of the
house means that the kitchen feels off-limits).
During dinner and afterwards, everyone is back in the same room
generally. All in all, the period when MIL et al are out of
sight is normally about 20 minutes to a half hour, but it's more
the fact that there is an audible contrast between the awkward
silences in the living room and the fun in the kitchen.
#Post#: 35003--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Hanna Date: July 20, 2019, 11:46 pm
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That explains the problem - 2 / 5 shouldn’t be left to deal with
guests just because MIL is nervous about the food.
How do you think your wife would react if you kindly tell her,
“When your parents entertain, it’s very awkward for me in the
living room when you all three are in the kitchen. It’s hard to
make conversation with the guests
and I feel very uncomfortable!”?
I had a weird realization tonight - I always strive to be
low-maintenance and make everything ok for everyone else. But
tonight I got irritated and let it be known. That illicited a
very different response from a few normally high-maintenance
people. Suddenly instead of them being difficult and me trying
to fix it they were trying to pacify me.
Maybe you need to let your wife know how you are feeling so she
recognizes that catering to her Mom’s anxiety too much is
leaving you in a lurch.
#Post#: 35045--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Hmmm Date: July 21, 2019, 8:00 pm
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So it sounds like MIL leaves her guests about 7:15 and doesn't
re-engage until almost 8. I personally think that is way too
long. I would bring it up with your wife and suggest that maybe
she and her sister tag team helping mom out instead of both of
them disappearing into the kitchen.
Have you mentioned to your wife that there is lots of
uncomfortable silences in the living room while they are gone?
#Post#: 35061--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 22, 2019, 3:28 am
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1232.msg35045#msg35045
date=1563757240]
So it sounds like MIL leaves her guests about 7:15 and doesn't
re-engage until almost 8. I personally think that is way too
long. I would bring it up with your wife and suggest that maybe
she and her sister tag team helping mom out instead of both of
them disappearing into the kitchen.
Have you mentioned to your wife that there is lots of
uncomfortable silences in the living room while they are gone?
[/quote]
Agree with this.
Have you actually spoken to your wife yet? The reason I
suggested doing it after an event was so that any adrenaline had
dissipated, and rational discussion can be easier not in the
heat of the moment. Just before another get-together I think
could be counter-productive: your wife may need time to think,
and then formulate how to talk with her family. And they need
time to process, also away from the excitement of the evening.
#Post#: 35077--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Jem Date: July 22, 2019, 9:14 am
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[quote author=Victim Of Fate link=topic=1232.msg34988#msg34988
date=1563671099]
The kind of events I'm talking about are when a moderate number
of guests are invited round for dinner. So, for example, a
typical event might see MIL, FIL, SIL, DW and me, along with
MIL's cousin and her husband, MIL's elderly aunt, and a couple
who are close friends with MIL and FIL along with one of their
grown up children. So, in this example, 5 members of the hosting
family and 6 guests.
[/quote]
This confuses me. Are the five members all living at the house
where the dinner is taking place? It seems weird to describe
them as "hosts" if this is not the case. When I go to a dinner
at my sister's house or my parents' house I certainly don't
think I am a "host" simply because I am related to them (and
vice versa when I am hosting them at my house). Is the OP
counting himself as a host or a guest? Is he counting his wife
as a host or a guest?
I think there are a lot of ways to address this, and it just
depends on what the OP's goal is. If he (I think the OP is a
man?) wants to make himself more comfortable, he could simply
join his wife in the kitchen, or speak up and ask that the door
be kept open so the entire group can interact. Or he could take
on the role of "host" himself if he thinks his wife is "hosting"
because she is the daughter of his MIL and ensure the
conversation flows.
I think the worst thing to do would be to blame anyone here. Is
it "weird?" Well, in my experience it is, but that doesn't mean
it is WRONG. I think maybe there are differing expectations
rather than rudeness on anyone's part.
#Post#: 35078--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Rose Red Date: July 22, 2019, 9:17 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1232.msg35077#msg35077
date=1563804862]
[quote author=Victim Of Fate link=topic=1232.msg34988#msg34988
date=1563671099]
The kind of events I'm talking about are when a moderate number
of guests are invited round for dinner. So, for example, a
typical event might see MIL, FIL, SIL, DW and me, along with
MIL's cousin and her husband, MIL's elderly aunt, and a couple
who are close friends with MIL and FIL along with one of their
grown up children. So, in this example, 5 members of the hosting
family and 6 guests.
[/quote]
This confuses me. Are the five members all living at the house
where the dinner is taking place? It seems weird to describe
them as "hosts" if this is not the case. When I go to a dinner
at my sister's house or my parents' house I certainly don't
think I am a "host" simply because I am related to them (and
vice versa when I am hosting them at my house). Is the OP
counting himself as a host or a guest? Is he counting his wife
as a host or a guest?
I think there are a lot of ways to address this, and it just
depends on what the OP's goal is. If he (I think the OP is a
man?) wants to make himself more comfortable, he could simply
join his wife in the kitchen, or speak up and ask that the door
be kept open so the entire group can interact. Or he could take
on the role of "host" himself if he thinks his wife is "hosting"
because she is the daughter of his MIL and ensure the
conversation flows.
I think the worst thing to do would be to blame anyone here. Is
it "weird?" Well, in my experience it is, but that doesn't mean
it is WRONG. I think maybe there are differing expectations
rather than rudeness on anyone's part.
[/quote]
I was thinking the same thing. I'm certainly not one of the
hosts when my mom throws a dinner at her house. I'm just one of
the guests. But I can understand being uncomfortable with
everybody sitting around just staring at each other and not even
making chit chat about the weather. I'll probably start a
conversation even if I'm not the host.
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1232.msg35045#msg35045
date=1563757240]
So it sounds like MIL leaves her guests about 7:15 and doesn't
re-engage until almost 8. [/quote]
To be fair, the OP says they are usually in there for 20-30
minutes. So they should be back by 7:35-7:45. I don't know if
that's still too long, but it's not 45 minutes which is
definitely too long (imo) unless everybody mingles in smaller or
larger groups, which doesn't sound like this crowd. Talk to your
wife if everybody depends on the three women to be the "social
director." Maybe the sisters can take turns helping MIL so
they're not all in there at the same time.
#Post#: 35079--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Jem Date: July 22, 2019, 9:24 am
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The more I think about this, I think the MIL and FIL are the
hosts and everyone else are guests. It is just that MIL is a
better "host" than FIL, in the OP's estimation, because MIL's
group appears to interact and laugh more than FIL's group. I
don't see why the OP cannot just join MIL's group if that is how
he prefers to interact.
#Post#: 35081--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Aleko Date: July 22, 2019, 10:19 am
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[quote]I don't see why the OP cannot just join MIL's group if
that is how he prefers to interact. [/quote]
Er: because he knows that that would leave his poor awkward
introverted FIL hung our to dry? As Rose Red says, guests also
have social responsibilities, and doubly so if they are close
relatives of the hosts.
#Post#: 35082--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Jem Date: July 22, 2019, 10:33 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1232.msg35081#msg35081
date=1563808749]
[quote]I don't see why the OP cannot just join MIL's group if
that is how he prefers to interact. [/quote]
Er: because he knows that that would leave his poor awkward
introverted FIL hung our to dry? As Rose Red says, guests also
have social responsibilities, and doubly so if they are close
relatives of the hosts.
[/quote]
I guess I am not sure what the issue is. Either the OP can make
interacting with the FIL more fun, or he can join his wife in
the kitchen. I don't see why the OP needs to cater to one host
over the other. I don't think the OP needs to sacrifice his
enjoyment for an FIL who apparently is just fine with the
introverted silence. I also think the OP could float among both
groups and perhaps appease everyone, if that is what he is
trying to do.
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