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#Post#: 34890--------------------------------------------------
Little private party in the kitchen
By: Victim Of Fate Date: July 19, 2019, 5:14 am
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My wife, her mother and her sister have a tendency that strikes
me as slightly rude. When my in-laws are entertaining (e.g.
hosting dinner for a couple of other families, which they do
fairly frequently - say once a month), my mother-in-law will
usually spend a lot of her time in the kitchen preparing the
food, while the guests will be in the lounge with drinks. My
wife and her sister will often go to help her out, which will
leave me and my father-in-law with the guests. FIL is fairly
introverted, particularly with guests that he doesn't know that
well. The kitchen is close enough to the lounge that you can
hear muffled laughter as the three of them laugh and joke in the
kitchen, often for an extended period of time. What results in
an awkward atmosphere in the lounge while everyone can hear that
there's lots of excitement and fun taking place in another room.
Am I wrong here, or is this a bit rude? Not sure whether to
bring it up, or if not, how to try and make guests feel a bit
more comfortable.
#Post#: 34895--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 19, 2019, 6:43 am
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[quote author=Victim Of Fate link=topic=1232.msg34890#msg34890
date=1563531240]
My wife, her mother and her sister have a tendency that strikes
me as slightly rude. When my in-laws are entertaining (e.g.
hosting dinner for a couple of other families, which they do
fairly frequently - say once a month), my mother-in-law will
usually spend a lot of her time in the kitchen preparing the
food, while the guests will be in the lounge with drinks. My
wife and her sister will often go to help her out, which will
leave me and my father-in-law with the guests. FIL is fairly
introverted, particularly with guests that he doesn't know that
well. The kitchen is close enough to the lounge that you can
hear muffled laughter as the three of them laugh and joke in the
kitchen, often for an extended period of time. What results in
an awkward atmosphere in the lounge while everyone can hear that
there's lots of excitement and fun taking place in another room.
Am I wrong here, or is this a bit rude? Not sure whether to
bring it up, or if not, how to try and make guests feel a bit
more comfortable.
[/quote]
Welcome, Victim of Fate!
Could you (and possibly your father-in-law) offer to help out in
the kitchen "so that your wife/sister/mother-in-law could
socialise with the guests"? That way, whatever needs to happen
in the kitchen is still getting done, and some of the jollity
could be shared with the other people at the party?
Another option is to discuss this with your wife just after one
such gathering, and mention that everyone not involved in the
kitchen hilarity was feeling a little left out - what could you
do to help out in future? This gives you/her time to make a
plan that will work for all concerned.
I'm looking at it from my perspective, where I've been one of
the women* in a kitchen, and fun organically starts, and
occasionally one of the [almost always (sadly)] men outside asks
what's going on. We never say "oh, those doing all the work are
having fun", we just say "we're going as fast as we can". The
people commenting are invariably those who never even offer to
lift a finger, let alone get one dirty in real life.
* My husband and one cousin's husband do help out, and do join
in the laughing [cousin's husband is often an instigator], but
it's mainly the females in my side of the family that do all the
work.
I'm assuming that's not the case with you? If not, I'm sure the
ladies in the kitchen would love an extra pair of hands to speed
up that part of the evening. Worth asking, anyway.
#Post#: 34896--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: AtHomeRose Date: July 19, 2019, 6:50 am
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I don’t mean for this to sound rude but how else do you think
food is going to get prepared unless people are in the kitchen
preparing it? Maybe next time there is a dinner party you and
your father-in-law should plan, cook and prepare all of the food
so your wife and mother-in-law can just sit in the lounge and
hangout with the guests.
What they are doing in not at all rude, someone has to prepare
the food for the dinner, and they are allowed to have a good
time while they do it.
#Post#: 34897--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Rose Red Date: July 19, 2019, 7:20 am
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Why would it be awkward to hear chatter and laughing in the
kitchen? Are the women doing the work suppose to keep silent?
Nobody is stopping everyone in the lounge from having a good
time too. Start a topic for the guests to discuss.
#Post#: 34898--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Bada Date: July 19, 2019, 8:06 am
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I think VOF is also asking about the awkward situation he's put
in where he and FIL are stuck awkwardly hosting all of the
guests... I understand the replies here that "of course the
food has to be cooked", but honestly I'd much rather be cooking
than hosting all the guests all the time. From my reading, it's
not just that the kitchen family members are having more fun,
it's that he's always playing host and doesn't really like it
and would like help changing up the dynamic.
VOF, I like the suggestion of offering to swap places with your
wife. It might help for her to see how the guests perceive not
being in the kitchen. Or maybe you could arrive earlier and
pre-prep more so no one is stuck in the kitchen the whole time?
(Or you could prepare it at home?) Or is the kitchen large
enough you and a couple of guests could wander in and say "your
party sounds more fun than ours, we'd like to join you"? Or if
you had it at a different house with an open floor plan, maybe
everyone could be part of the same conversation?
#Post#: 34901--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: gramma dishes Date: July 19, 2019, 8:46 am
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Why is all this food preparation going on after guests have
already arrived? When I used to host dinner parties, I had
most of the food prepared and either in the refrigerator, oven
or on the burner ready to start. The longest I might be in the
kitchen would be fifteen minutes while cooking a steak.
#Post#: 34906--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: VorFemme Date: July 19, 2019, 9:31 am
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I can think of two ways to change that very quickly! If they go
with "catering", someone else does the cooking and possibly even
some of the serving & cleanup. If they go with "grilling", then
FIL is going to be outside, possibly with one or two of the
other men, doing the cooking of the meats and any grilled
vegetables - in good weather, the whole party could be
outside...this plan doesn't work as well in bad weather.
Third way to handle is to do most of the food prep before the
party starts, so that the food is being kept warm in the oven or
a chafing dish, the cold dishes are in the fridge or on ice, and
people have a brief visitation period with snacks before moving
on to either a buffet or the dining room table set up "family
style" - but the hostess needs to be doing more work before the
party starts instead of spending a lot of time in the kitchen,
visiting with only a small sub-set of the guests. It starts to
feel like a List A and a List B situation, even if it isn't
intended to feel like that.
#Post#: 34907--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 19, 2019, 9:39 am
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It's interesting reading the replies; I had missed that it was
'entertaining', and had superimposed my family's type of
get-together on top!
We will have Meal A all ready, but people tend to arrive very
early, or stay over till the next day, and those other meals are
what I was thinking of.
My late [unlamented] uncle regularly used to say "what's for
dinner?", but I never once knew him lift anything more taxing
than a full mug of tea in the kitchen, so that is clearly part
of what's colouring my thinking!
#Post#: 34912--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: Victim Of Fate Date: July 19, 2019, 11:17 am
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[quote author=AtHomeRose link=topic=1232.msg34896#msg34896
date=1563537026]
I don’t mean for this to sound rude but how else do you think
food is going to get prepared unless people are in the kitchen
preparing it? Maybe next time there is a dinner party you and
your father-in-law should plan, cook and prepare all of the food
so your wife and mother-in-law can just sit in the lounge and
hangout with the guests.
What they are doing in not at all rude, someone has to prepare
the food for the dinner, and they are allowed to have a good
time while they do it.
[/quote]
To clarify, this isn't a case of me sitting in the living room
and expecting them to do everything. If it was just a case of
getting the food ready, then I would agree, but it sometimes
feels like more of a case of neglecting the guests because the
fun is happening in the kitchen. There have been times when I've
been doing the cooking, and the same thing happens - people hang
out in the kitchen while the guests are left virtually
unattended in the lounge.
I guess a more general form of my question would be: to what
extent should the hosts give facetime to guests at a dinner
party before serving food versus concentrating on the food
preparation, and to what extent should hosts ensure that guest
don't feel like they are missing out on something more fun
happening behind closed doors?
#Post#: 34916--------------------------------------------------
Re: Little private party in the kitchen
By: TootsNYC Date: July 19, 2019, 11:56 am
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[quote author=AtHomeRose link=topic=1232.msg34896#msg34896
date=1563537026]
I don’t mean for this to sound rude but how else do you think
food is going to get prepared unless people are in the kitchen
preparing it? Maybe next time there is a dinner party you and
your father-in-law should plan, cook and prepare all of the food
so your wife and mother-in-law can just sit in the lounge and
hangout with the guests.
What they are doing in not at all rude, someone has to prepare
the food for the dinner, and they are allowed to have a good
time while they do it.
[/quote]
Well, ideally most of the cooking would be done before the
guests get there, and there wouldn't be a need for a prolonged
session in the kitchen.
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