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#Post#: 34574--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: prock929 Date: July 15, 2019, 2:36 pm
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Thank you all for your replies. It has made things a lot
clearer for me and I plan on, at the very least, cutting back my
involvement in the charity.
A few things:
1.) The charity is relatively new having been in existence for
less than 5 years. It was actually founded by my late sister's
friend (K) who served as President for first few years (she
resigned due to other committments. She now has the title of
founder.) The original board consisted of President (K), Vice
president (B), secretary (T), treasurer (K's mom V), PR
chairman(me), and Events Chairman (my cousin, W who was later
replaced with V's daughter, F).
After the first few meetings, it was decided to drop W and me
from the board, though I honestly don't remember how that change
came about. But we were all relatively new to the positions.
(That and we all hold fulltime jobs) I'll admit that I probably
wasn't the best at PR, but at the time I was afraid of doing too
much and overwhelming the organization. (we wanted to start out
slowly so the demand for the service we planned on providing
didn't outpace our income) I was kind of waiting for guidance
from the board as to how much publicity they wanted. I was
hoping that the agenda items for PR that were skipped would've
brought discussion on how/when/where they wanted publicity. ( I
also had an issue at this time with F publicing events she was
planning without even discussing it with me.) I think this is
why their ousting of me from the PR position angered me so much.
That, and the fact that the position was once again made a
board position.
2.) About a year ago, the board decided to start getting non
family members on the board. C, who replaced me as PR chair,
was the first. It was at that time that the board also decided
to stop having double meetings (We were having meetings where
the board met first, then the rest of us - W, later F, myself
and a few people who helped out but were not on the board -
would meet. ) Supposedly they set up committees for us
non-board members to serve on, but I've never attended a
committee meeting (I decided to volunteer for the fundraising
committee even though I could've been on the PR committee since
the whole fiasco with bumping me from the position still stung.)
I've complained to T that I've felt out of the loop for the
last year or so.
I think that I am going to do a fade as suggested. I'm involved
with other things (Group X - not necessarily charity related)
that can fill my time. (And have often conflicted with my
charity involvement. It will be nice to be able attend the
other events again.) However, the charity does have a couple
of events coming up where I am expected to at least attend. One
is in honor of my late sister on the anniversary of her passing;
the other is our signature event, which actually preceded the
formation of the charity, having been started (in a slightly
different format) while my sister was still battling her
illness. While I could probably say that I'll just attend the
first event, the second is an "all hands on deck" sort of thing.
I actually tried getting out of event 2 this year. Group X has
an event that conflicts with E2 every year. Well this year,
group x's event was confirmed well ahead of the charity's event.
Since I had been feeling left out of the charity stuff, I
considered attending group x's event instead. (IMO it was a
case of first come, first served. ) B wouldn't have it. She
told me that "we always have Event 2 on this date, you should've
known we'd have it on this date. (Actually, there had been
discussion after last year's Event 2 about changing the date for
this year)
I plan on discussing things with T if/when I can get her without
B being present.
*edited to correct person who publicized events without my
input.
** removed erroneous text
#Post#: 34580--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 15, 2019, 3:05 pm
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Would your non-attendance/late arrival have a critical impact on
Event 2?
I would find it very hard to want to pull my weight at an
all-hands-on-deck event if I were repeatedly criticised for
getting everything wrong.
My car might have trouble starting, for instance.
I'm going to go and put SnarkyMiriam back in her box now. ::)
#Post#: 34585--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: prock929 Date: July 15, 2019, 3:44 pm
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[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1228.msg34580#msg34580
date=1563221100]
Would your non-attendance/late arrival have a critical impact on
Event 2?
[/quote]
Not sure. I have had to leave for a period of time to attend to
personal family issues, so I know they can get along without me
for at least some of the time. I am setting up a possible Plan
A for my non-attendance, though. (The event is a public event
that has a entrance fee. There has been some talk about making
the volunteers pay said fee. If that happens, I'm going to try
to get out of it by saying that I can't afford it. (I can't!)
[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1228.msg34580#msg34580
date=1563221100]
I would find it very hard to want to pull my weight at an
all-hands-on-deck event if I were repeatedly criticised for
getting everything wrong.
[/quote]
I don't usually have an issue with Event 2. It's technically
run by F and is large enough that I don't see much of B during
the day. It is also a food-based event so I'll have food
available. And I will not post any pictures, so hopefully I
won't get scolded for doing something wrong.
[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1228.msg34580#msg34580
date=1563221100]
I'm going to go and put SnarkyMiriam back in her box now. ::)
[/quote]
Why? I kind of like SnarkyMiriam :P
#Post#: 34587--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: Isisnin Date: July 15, 2019, 4:12 pm
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Agree with everyone that you can politely, quietly stop
volunteering and if asked about that just say that you're busy.
Don't agree that you did anything wrong, particularly since B
was unnecessarily harsh with you as were a couple posts here.
I've never heard that people should always wash their hands
before going out in public after they've eaten nuts. I never
have. I'm a cashier and we have all sorts of training and
manuals about safety and they don't mention washing hands after
eating nuts.
If volunteers took test drives, potential donors (who could
become ongoing donors) would have to wait. Therefore, volunteers
at events I've volunteered at are usually expected to take a
back seat to potential donors.
While it's nice etiquette to ask someone if you can post their
picture, I don't think that's a hard and fast etiquette rule. A
cousin just had her 30th high school reunion and there were many
people posting many pics of her and her classmates. I can't
imagine all those posters got permission from that many people
(imagine emailing/calling/texting 12 people to get permission
for their group pic). If B has a pattern of not having or
wanting her pics on social media, I can understand her being
surprised you didn't ask. But since there already was a pic of
her at an event out there, she overreacted. (and I wonder if she
told all the donors there that they couldn't post pics of people
at the event unless they got permission first. I doubt it.)
She just overreacted all over the place. Each incident she could
have politely discussed with you. That's fine. But it sounds
like she was way too harsh with you.
She also sounds like the type of person who if you said "stop
signs are red", she'd say "no they're not. they're fire engine
red." or "no they're not. they're orange red." etc. etc. No easy
way to deal with such people.
#Post#: 34589--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: oogyda Date: July 15, 2019, 4:24 pm
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You don't need anyone's permission to not attend.
If you have promised or agreed to any particular "job", you are
obligated to do that job. However, it sounds as if the only
thing that is expected of you is to pay an entrance fee.
This sounds like a situation where it is better to ask for
forgiveness after the fact than to ask for permission before.
#Post#: 34609--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: NyaChan Date: July 15, 2019, 11:28 pm
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[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1228.msg34559#msg34559
date=1563214682]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1228.msg34550#msg34550
date=1563201182]
[quote author=prock929 link=topic=1228.msg34528#msg34528
date=1563175418]
OP here
Yeah, I get it. I was a complete idiot to do those things. (In
my defense over the nut issue, I was trying to think of
something that wasn’t too high in carbs that could sit out
unrefrigerated for several hours). And I’ll never post anything
without permission again. And B was perfectly fine with making
me feel like s***.
[/quote]
This is why I think you should fade out. You don't have to make
it a thing; just fade.
I sometimes want to say to my big brother, "How about if you
treat me the way you treat people you don't even know? Let's
just pretend we've never met before, and you can be polite to me
the way you're polite to the other person in line at the 7/11."
Because to be honest--that's the way I treat him.
If you'd been any other volunteer, she'd have brought up the
nuts thing nicely.
I suppose be prepared for lots of guilt, since the charity
honors your late sister, but just be Teflon--"Sorry, I'm busy
that day, gotta get off the phone."
[/quote]
I have said to my mother: "why can't you be as nice to me as you
would be to a stranger?" - I'm not sure it made a difference to
her treatment of me, but having had to repeat it a few times it
has given me the illusion that I'm standing up for myself, so I
think you could say: "do you treat all the volunteers this
rudely? Or is it just me that gets singled out for this cr@p?".
Don't expect it to make the situation any better, though; but it
might help you to feel better about the situation.
[/quote]
Yes, yes, yes! I’ve never understood how being family makes it
ok to treat someone less well than strangers!
#Post#: 34610--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: prock929 Date: July 15, 2019, 11:59 pm
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I had a talk with my sister T today and she agrees that I should
take a step back if I need to. T also reminded me that I had
recently been diagnosed with High blood pressure and she thinks
I should eliminate as many sources of stress as I can.
So I will attend the next event, but not work it. The event
after that, (event 2), I am obligated to work, so I’ll do that.
The next couple of events after event 2 I am already not
attending or working, so no issues there. After these events I
just won’t be available.
Thanks for all of the advice
#Post#: 34611--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 16, 2019, 4:28 am
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[quote author=prock929 link=topic=1228.msg34610#msg34610
date=1563253180]
I had a talk with my sister T today and she agrees that I should
take a step back if I need to. T also reminded me that I had
recently been diagnosed with High blood pressure and she thinks
I should eliminate as many sources of stress as I can.
So I will attend the next event, but not work it. The event
after that, (event 2), I am obligated to work, so I’ll do that.
The next couple of events after event 2 I am already not
attending or working, so no issues there. After these events I
just won’t be available.
Thanks for all of the advice
[/quote]
I'm really glad that T is in your corner - agreeing that you
should take a step back shows that, but pointing out about your
high blood pressure really reinforces that she cares for you;
please follow her excellent advice.
How full a day is Event 2? Could you work most of it and still
put and appearance at your Group X event as well? I know if I
have a "reward" planned, I can tolerate much more than when the
feeling is that "this is as good as today gets". If you will
see very little of B there, that is wonderful; I do hope you
have an enjoyable time as well as working hard.
If you need to in future [after the events mentioned in your
post], you can always remind B that you're not on the committee,
and are 'only' a volunteer, and have planned other things since
your role was 'disappeared' [if she has the gall to say that the
PR role was reinstated, that's the time to say "yes, and you
appointed someone else to do it!"], so 'terribly sorry, I have
prior plans' is a perfectly valid response from someone who
seems to have been downgraded from "family" to "just a
volunteer".
As far as I'm concerned, making volunteers pay to [s]attend[/s]
work at an event is a fantastic way of reducing the pool of
people willing to help, and a perfect reason [you don't need an
excuse] not to go [attend or work]; nobody gets to tell another
person how to spend their hard-earned cash!
#Post#: 34645--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: Twik Date: July 16, 2019, 10:14 am
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I think the first thing you have to realize is that you don't
*have* to do whatever B says.
It's perfectly legal to eat nuts in public. Yes, some people are
allergic, but those people have learned how to cope with a world
that can never be guaranteed nut-free. And as a diabetic, you
have an equivalent health claim.
I think she had a right to ask you to take the video down
(people can be weird about photos and videos in public), but she
should have done it politely.
And there's no reason that you had to give twenty dollars when
you'd already put in "sweat equity" for the event.
If you're going to keep being around B (and like others, I think
it's time to fade from the charity), I think your life will
become easier if you start practicing the word "No".
#Post#: 34660--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 16, 2019, 12:43 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Twik link=topic=1228.msg34645#msg34645
date=1563290091]
I think the first thing you have to realize is that you don't
*have* to do whatever B says.
It's perfectly legal to eat nuts in public. Yes, some people are
allergic, but those people have learned how to cope with a world
that can never be guaranteed nut-free. And as a diabetic, you
have an equivalent health claim.
I think she had a right to ask you to take the video down
(people can be weird about photos and videos in public), but she
should have done it politely.
And there's no reason that you had to give twenty dollars when
you'd already put in "sweat equity" for the event.
If you're going to keep being around B (and like others, I think
it's time to fade from the charity), I think your life will
become easier if you start practicing the word "No".
[/quote]
Life will keep giving B the chance to learn that not everyone
has to bend to her will/whim, and you can be part of that
'teaching moment', if you wish.
When I have to do a difficult round of (lather, rinse, repeat)
"No!" to get through, I have the chorus of "You Can't Always Get
What You Want" going round in my head. Doesn't change a thing,
but makes me feel like smiling (inwardly), rather than grinding
my teeth [my dentist says I'm not allowed to do that; he doesn't
want to fix yet another broken one].
I know in the past it's helped me immensely to get through an
unpleasant encounter if I think of how proudly I could go on EH
or come here and report back that I 'did good'. My invisible
(imaginary) spine strengthening squad have never let me down
[when I actually remember to invite them, of course ::)].
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