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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 34512--------------------------------------------------
I've just about had it.
By: prock929 Date: July 14, 2019, 4:27 pm
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My sisters B & T are on the board of a charity started to honor
our late sister. I help out/volunteer at events and
fundraisers. I was on the original board until they decided
that my position (public relations) was not a board position.
At least it wasn't until about a year ago when they brought in
an outside person (W) to replace me. With no warning. (while i
was no longer on the board, they usually had a general meeting
after the board meeting that I was a part of. For about 2 - 3
months in a row they had PR on the agenda, but always ran out of
time before it came up. When they finally got to that item on
the agenda, it was to tell me that W was taking over my job and,
oh yeah, she was now on the board. TBH I understand me not
being allowed on the board as it would tilt the board towards
our family). But needless to say, my enthusiasm towards the
charity has cooled significantly during the past year.
There have been quite a few instances lately where I have
questioned whether I really want to continue volunteering for
this organization. Today was one of those days.
We had an event at a local car dealership where, for every car
test driven, the dealership would donate a set amount of money.
Well, the first thing I did wrong was to bring a bag of nuts to
snack on. B was appalled. "Don't you know people have nut
allergies? You're going to have to wash your hands every time
you eat a handful of nuts" (I was selling T-shirts and
collecting donations) So the nuts went away and I had to drive
over to the deli across the street to pick up something to eat
(event ran through lunchtime and I am a type 2 diabetic),
spending money I didn't really have to spend. (I get the whole
nut allergy and the fact that there are people who react even to
residue, but I have to wonder at which point the person with the
allergy needs to take responsibility for his/her own allergy. I
mean, do I have to give up nuts simply because someone with a
nut allergy might touch something that I touched after I ate
nuts?)
Then later on B was dancing to the band we had performing for
us. I took a video of her dancing and posted in on Facebook as
a way to help promote the event. When she found out, B was
furious "are you f**** kidding me! Take it down this instant!"
(Nevermind that she had been on facebook live earlier in the day
to promote the event. It was simply because I hadn't asked
"permission" to post it.) I took it down of course, along with
the other post I had made to promote the event. (Petty, I know,
but I was no longer in the mood to promote the event at all.)
The final (?) straw was when I was asked if I planned on test
driving a car. I wasn't really in the mood to test drive (not
in the market, though that wasn't really a barrier plus it was
hot and I just wasn't feeling like test driving a car.) Well,
when B found out she basically ordered me to test drive a car or
"put $20 in the donation box". I donated $20 (that I didn't
really have) just to shut her up.
I'm at the point now where I'm not really sure if I want to
continue helping out when all I seem to do is get harped on for
minor mistakes (or lapses in judgement. *if it were anyone else
making the mistake B would be all nice and helpful not cursing
them out for making an error). Add in the fact that I often
feel out of the loop when it comes to events and such (I'm
supposed to be on the fundraising committee. I keep learning
about new fundraisers, but have yet to attend any meeting where
said fundraisers are discussed. ) I'm starting to feel like I'm
not really appreciated at best and ridiculed at worst. (I
overheard B today after the FB fiasco complaining about my
posting the video without her permission. Like I said, it was
my mistake, but I really didn't see the harm as it was to
promote the event and it wasn't really that embarrassing)
So my question is, how many chances should I give them before
cutting my losses and donating my talents to places that are
more appreciative?
#Post#: 34514--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: kckgirl Date: July 14, 2019, 5:53 pm
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I would already be gone. You don't ask someone to help you with
an event, and then berate them for everything they do.
#Post#: 34516--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: Hmmm Date: July 14, 2019, 6:01 pm
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I think it is best that you stop participation. I don't think
you need to inform them of your decision. I think when asked to
participate in the next event you just say you are unavailable.
If you are ever pressured into explaining why you are not
engaged with the charity, just state that you found you were not
aligned with the organization and think they would be happier to
have other volunteers who do meet their standards.
As an aside, I would be bothered by someone posting a video of
me on FB without asking my permission first. I would also assume
that all volunteers who attended would do a test drive to get
the funds. I understand your not wanting to once you were
already feeling negative about the organization.
#Post#: 34517--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: Hanna Date: July 14, 2019, 6:48 pm
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I would dial back my involvement to supporting by reposting
their events and perhaps attending them but not working as a
volunteer. For now, I would not attend meetings of any type. If
you have any pending commitments, I’d fulfill those or else
notify them they need to find a replacement. If a sister asks
why I’d say, “I don’t think this is working and I believe it’s
because it’s just difficult to work with family, like they say.
I still support the cause but am going to back off at least for
now.”
To anyone else I’d say “it’s a great organization and a really
worthy cause!” And nothing more.
((((Hugs)))) volunteer work can be made so difficult by other
people, but it sounds so much worse when it’s family being like
this.
Can you find another organization or outlet for doing volunteer
work?
#Post#: 34522--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: lakey Date: July 14, 2019, 8:31 pm
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Sometimes people just aren't compatible for working together. I
would pull back from participation in this organization and if
your sisters ask why, just tell them the truth, that you and
they aren't a good match for working together.
Sometimes working with family members is worse than working with
others because they don't give you the consideration that they
give to non-family.
#Post#: 34523--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: HenrysMom Date: July 14, 2019, 8:43 pm
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I think after all you put up with that day, forcing you to spend
money you don’t have after putting in a full day’s work would be
the haystack that broke the camel’s back. They’re obviously do
not want your involvement in the charity for whatever reason, so
just stop. If they complain about you not helping, too damn
bad.
Once again, my cynical side rears its ugly head and think
there’s a reason they don’t want you on the board or knowing
what they’re doing. If that’s the case, the further you
distance yourself from the charity and them, the better for you.
#Post#: 34526--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: Aleko Date: July 15, 2019, 1:49 am
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It sounds as though you would be better off just backing out of
that charity. If that's how things are, the charity would be
better off too - if there is friction between members of the
board it will suffer, whoever is in the right.
And I think your understandable unhappiness at the situation has
somewhat skewed your judgement of the events of that day. Maybe
your sister has recently been told a horror story about a
charity event where a volunteer eating nuts managed to give a
member of the public an anaphylactic reaction and they were sued
for a monstrous sum. Or maybe it now is just standard advice in
your state for volunteers-handing-things-to-the-public. Of
course it was an annoyance and an expense to you, and maybe yes
it is unreasonable that charities as well as food-related
companies should now have to think that way; but I don't think
her alarm was really as unreasonable as all that.
And I do think you acted wrongly by posting that video of her
dancing. Publishing footage of individuals without their
permission or even their knowledge is bad manners (offensive
enough that in many countries they can sue you for it). That you
did it "to promote the event" isn't an excuse, in fact makes it
worse in her eyes, because PR for the charity is no longer your
job - the board decided, for whatever reason, to take that role
back from you and give it to someone else, remember? Posting as
you did surely made it seem to her that you were trying to
ignore that and doggedly keep doing the job that is now someone
else's responsibility.
And even without the particular history of your being ousted as
PR head, it's a sad fact that individual members of a volunteer
group trying to help publicise it off their own bat can be a PR
nightmare. A couple of decades ago my DH and I ran an
Anglo-Spanish historical-cultural association: several times
members came back from an event in Spain and gave enthusiastic
accounts of the event to a local newspaper or a historical
group's newsletter containing statements that were quite
inaccurate / wildly off-message / unthinkingly insulting to our
Spanish hosts. Fortunately this was before social media took
off, and the damage done was - as far as we know - very local.
But we'd look at what they'd written and circulated, and sweat
blood at what could happen if anyone who mattered got to see it.
It was a constant worry to us.
#Post#: 34528--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: prock929 Date: July 15, 2019, 2:23 am
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OP here
Yeah, I get it. I was a complete idiot to do those things. (In
my defense over the nut issue, I was trying to think of
something that wasn’t too high in carbs that could sit out
unrefrigerated for several hours). And I’ll never post anything
without permission again. And B was perfectly fine with making
me feel like s***.
#Post#: 34529--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: prock929 Date: July 15, 2019, 2:34 am
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FYI my issue wasn’t with whether I was right or wrong (I’ve
admitted to temporary lapses in judgement) but with the way B
criticized me for it. I felt like a child especially when she
ordered me to donate if I wasn’t doing a test drive. (AFAIK,
test drives by volunteers were voluntary). Nobody else was
ordered to take a test drive, though most did it anyway. In
fact, I’m pretty sure our other sister, T, did not test drive
either. Though I could be wrong as I was in another area and
basically ignored when B wasn’t lecturing me.
#Post#: 34531--------------------------------------------------
Re: I've just about had it.
By: Lkdrymom Date: July 15, 2019, 5:40 am
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I understand where you are coming from. You are there to help
and get criticized for every little thing. Even if you did do
anything wrong (and I am not saying you did) to be harshly
reprimanded rather than politely corrected really stings. I
experienced something similar while visiting my father's
assisted living facility yesterday and it makes me not to want
to ever go back due to the critiques of staff members (You need
to walk behind him instead of in front of him in case he
falls...I understand what they are saying but my father won't
walk without me leading him. He will keep stopping to see where
I am and we wouldn't get anywhere which is why I lead him...this
was just one of several reprimands that day).
If you don't want to discontinue with the charity totally I
would just be unavailable for the next two events.
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