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#Post#: 34418--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: TootsNYC Date: July 12, 2019, 1:00 pm
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[quote]while it did bother me when I was younger, I've come to
terms with it as being MY problem if I have an issue with it. I
decided a long time ago to let people be people, and that
includes B. How she lives her life in general is really none of
my business, though of course, I wish her well and want only the
very best for her.[/quote]
This is so wise!
Is it the Buddhists who say that the root of evil is the wanting
of something?
And so many people tie themselves into knots because they WANT
WANT someone to be different than they are.
This acceptance you have (and that I came to with my big
brother) is a superpower. And it's the best possible thing to
model for your girls.
They'll take their cues from you. A parent who is always
lamenting about the aunt who never visits, or the grandparent
who favors the other grandkids, or whatever, is setting their
child up. If the parent says, "well, that's not the grandma that
is close, and we won't expect her to be different," is well
equipped, and teaching her kids to be well equipped to handle
lots of disappointments.
#Post#: 34422--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: Rose Red Date: July 12, 2019, 1:31 pm
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[quote author=JeanFromBNA link=topic=1223.msg34417#msg34417
date=1562954381]
If they were elementary school aged or older, I wouldn't have a
problem with letting them go. I wouldn't think it was wrong to
want them not to go without you, though.
But really little kids like that? They come with their Mom or
Dad. Or she can come visit you.
[/quote]
I don't know. Even for older children or teens, it's strange for
grandma to set up a meeting without mom. Why is grandma setting
up a meeting with a stranger and deliberately leaving mom out?
it doesn't make sense not to invite the OP (B's own sister)
since there's no real bad blood between them.
Given B's history of flaking out at the last minute or being
hours late, I'm wondering if Grandma figures if B flakes again,
she'll still have a day with the grandchildren. But if she
invited the OP, then the OP wasted time when it involves B.
Again.
#Post#: 34452--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: LifeOnPluto Date: July 13, 2019, 3:51 am
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[quote author=Isisnin link=topic=1223.msg34313#msg34313
date=1562857192]
Everyone is in the clear etiquette-wise. Even arguably B. SHe is
etiquette-lacking when it comes to meeting up with people, but
she's got a month to make arrangements.
What about you texting her something like: "I hear you're in
town for a month. Would love to catch up and you can met the
girls. Pls let me know if you can and we can choose a time and
place."?
In this way, you've extended yourself to her. If you don't
contact, she might claim in the future that since you didn't
contact her so clearly you were in the wrong and/or didn't want
to see her. (can you tell I have difficult sibling
relationships?!)
No downside to you contacting her.
[/quote]
This is what I'd do.
But I'll add - if your sister ends up contacting you at the last
moment, at a time that's not convenient for you, don't knock
yourself out by rushing to see her.
And if you DO makes plans to meet up somewhere, and she's late,
I'd give her maybe 15 minutes max, before bailing.
Have to admit, I struggle to understand the mindset of people
who completely uninterested in their own parents and siblings
(barring any history of toxicity or neglect, obviously). I hope
the day never comes when your sister finds herself old and
lonely, and needing the company of her close relatives.
#Post#: 35087--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: Girlie Date: July 22, 2019, 12:23 pm
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As an update:
B has been in town for almost two weeks. I have not seen her at
all during this time.
On Wednesday, our brother, P, was injured in an accident that,
while not life-threatening, is potentially life-altering. He
required emergency surgery, will need additional surgery
(surgeries?), and will have a long road in front of him in terms
of recovery, physical therapy, etc.
On Thursday, B texts me to say that she would like to come see
me at work. This is not a social visit. This is a visit to get
her information with my company up-to-date, as she has been out
of the system for over 20 years and still has an account with
us.
On Friday, at nearly the end of the business day, B texts me to
say that she's been at the hospital and has run out of time, so
she'll see me later.
I later was told that she was at the hospital for all of ten
minutes, and spent the entire time talking about herself.
I'm not telling you this to paint B in a bad light - just to
reiterate that this is how she is with all of us. And the sad
thing is - P is supposed to be her "favorite."
I don't understand B - honestly, I hope I never do. My brain
doesn't work that way. I feel sorry for her, too - how lonely it
must be - if not now, then someday - to be so unwilling to
develop strong bonds with anyone. I don't think she has any
close friends, either, so I do mean with *anyone,* not just with
family. BUT - it's her life. She must live it the way she sees
fit.
As for me - I will stand true (and not feel guilty) about not
allowing my mom to take the girls alone to see her. If a dinner
or something is planned AND it is convenient (we are having
MAJOR changes here at work, and it's an
all-hands-on-deck-overtime-required kind of thing), then we will
ALL go - and enjoy being with my mom, T and her family, and P
and his wife, and yes - even B.
#Post#: 35089--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 22, 2019, 12:31 pm
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I'm so sorry to hear what P is going through - {hugs} to you
all.
From the more information that you give, it could be that B just
doesn't want to/can't form bonds with anyone. Some people don't
want them, some people don't need them, some people don't even
realise they're a possibility or that they are missing out on
anything.
You can't change others, you can only change yourself...
It sounds like you are doing a great job if you are lessening
the hurt to yourself caused by her behaviour, and shinying up
that spine; if you are no longer taking it personally*, that is
a huge "All-Clear" from me.
There's no reason your children should be taken to see B without
you, and your standing firm on that is a credit to you - and a
sign of your great parenting!
* The snippet about P being B's favourite makes me think it's
not personal (at least from her end) - if she doesn't want to
spend time with the favourite, what chance do 'lesser mortals'
stand?
#Post#: 35103--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: GardenGal Date: July 22, 2019, 2:44 pm
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Girlie - thanks for the update. Hope your brother does really
well - how scary! I think you're doing all the right things re:
your sister. You're right that it's her life, but a shame she
isn't forming strong bonds with family. OTOH, some people just
aren't at all family-oriented.
My brother and I (he lives on the East Coast, I'm in California)
call each other usually twice a year, on our respective
birthdays, January and July, and have done so for at least the
last 24 years (since our mother died). It works for us; we
don't dislike each other, just don't feel much of a connection.
AFAIK, he's not in contact with any of the rest of our extended
family. I didn't get an invitation when his daughter, my only
niece, got married. In fact, the only way I found out about it
was because someone posted it on facebook. When I saw this I
sent her a very generous check, never heard back (the check was
cashed, of course), so I'm not going out of my way to keep in
touch with her (although we're friends on facebook, she hardly
ever posts, or at least she doesn't post much that I can see).
Anyway, I'm glad you're close to the rest of your family and
hope you remain so.
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