DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Family and Children
*****************************************************
#Post#: 34300--------------------------------------------------
Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: Girlie Date: July 11, 2019, 7:39 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Background: I have three siblings - two older sisters (T and B),
and a younger brother (P). My relationship with all three is
somewhat dysfunctional, with the healthiest of the three being
between T and myself. We hardly ever see each other, and there
is more than a decade's age difference, so we have never been
close.
This is about B. B is older, and we couldn't be more different
than if we grew up on different continents. We come from a
single-parent household, but whereas I craved stability, with a
3-bedroom home, a white picket fence, and 2.5 kids when I grew
up, she wanted a life where she answered to no one but herself.
She now lives all the way across the country, and I haven't seen
her in years. When I did last see her, it was only because my
mother fostered it, and B put it off...and off...and off. She
was several hours later than she was supposed to be, but I was,
at the time, on my mother's schedule, not my own.
At any rate, the distance has only grown between B and all of
us. A couple of years ago, I texted her a Christmas greeting. At
that point, I only spoke to her on the phone a few times a year,
and we texted for birthdays and holidays. When she never
responded at all, I texted her several days later asking if she
was okay, and letting her know that I had hoped to hear from
her. Her response was that she's very BUSY, you know - she
works, she's on, like, three dart teams ( ???), and she doesn't
always have time to respond to text messages. I have never since
texted her a holiday or birthday greeting since, as I understand
it, she finds them to be too time-consuming.
Also, I have two children. When I was pregnant with the last
one, I called her (probably the first time I'd called her in
almost a year), and she answered, and all seemed well. I told
her I was pregnant, and I would call her back when I knew more
if she wanted me to. She said yes, of course. I tried. I
honestly did. I'm guessing my mom told her that the baby was a
girl, because she never again picked up the phone for me. It's
now been over a year since I spoke to B.
NOW. Apparently, B has flown in for about a month to visit. She
told mom that she wants to come because "she has two nieces
she's never even met." B has not contacted me. Mom has suggested
that SHE take the girls to meet B. I thought about it, and told
mom that I felt that was inappropriate. As far as I know, B and
I have our differences in lifestyles, but I hold no grudges
against anything other than her lack of desire to make and keep
plans (she usually refuses to make them at all, and almost
always cancels when she does. She has NO problem expecting other
people to drop everything at HER whim, however. I don't play by
those rules.). If B wants so badly to meet my children (ages 2
and a half and 9 mos.), then I think it's odd that my own mother
has tried to disinvite me from the occasion.
So, I guess what I'm looking for is to make sure that I'm clear
in terms of etiquette. I know it can get a little muddy when you
start talking family, but I think my mom was kind of rude to say
that she wanted to take my children to meet B. I asked mom
straight out if there was a reason B wouldn't want to see me,
and she said that there was no reason she could think of. At
this age, I feel like my children are an extension of me. So,
I've laid ground rules - all B has to do is pick a time and a
place, and we all - my whole family - will be glad to meet her
there with smiles. But I'm not letting my kids be "taken"
anywhere. That's just weird.
Also, because I know someone may ask - No, I don't think B is
upset with me in particular. She treats everyone like this. T
and her daughter once made a trip all the way across the
country, and hoped to be able to spend a couple of hours with B.
B put it off (just like she did with me), and a few hours turned
into roughly 30 minutes. A nice dinner out became fast-food
somewhere, and no apology for being late (B was, apparently, at
home, and again - mysteriously "busy"). She hardly ever talks to
mom (and I doubt there's anyone in the world she loves more).
She has no relationship with P, and, as far as I can tell - also
no relationship with her dad or his other children. That's just
B.
#Post#: 34302--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: DaDancingPsych Date: July 11, 2019, 7:52 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Etiquette wise, I don't think it would have been rude of your
mother to ASK if she could have your daughters to meet B. This,
of course, assuming that you allow your mom to be alone with
your daughters. I think that it is also ok if you don't want
your daughters to meet B without you (even if your mom typically
does take your daughters for outings and such.) You are the
parent and you get to decide who your daughters socialize with
and the terms of those meetings. I don't see any issues here.
But you're right, family does muddy the etiquette waters. Your
mom may feel miffed at your denial, so it is wise to think
through any fall-out and make decisions based on that, too. You
are also right to feel miffed that B and/or your mom did not
think to invite you to this visit, too. If they were asking, I
would tell them to weigh the potential fall-out from your end
(it's possible they did not even think that you may be hurt) and
being that there seems to be no issues with your relationships,
I would suggest that they do include you. But despite all this,
I would suggest that you focus on your daughters. What is best
for them? You seem to want to be with them if/when they meet B,
so I think that that is a perfectly fine decision.
#Post#: 34306--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: Copper Horsewoman Date: July 11, 2019, 8:29 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I don't understand why B has this sudden desire to meet nieces,
and if she does, why now after long time radio silence? Her
desire does not trump your authority as a mother. Let B talk to
you directly, adult to adult, and set up the meeting assuming
you are amenable to it. Otherwise, you may be hearing from your
mother about something SHE wishes would happen, not something
desired by B. I am sorry you seem to have a family like mine,
where other people are sometimes used as a telegraph because
direct communication is somehow out of the question. I finally
(I'm in my sixties) have a firm rule - I hear from YOU, person
to person, on invites, or it is hearsay and not to be acted
upon. I would wait to be contacted by B, or reach out in a
general way like a "Hi! How's it going?" email.
#Post#: 34307--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: gramma dishes Date: July 11, 2019, 8:43 am
---------------------------------------------------------
No. Your children are YOUR children. If your sister wants to
meet them, or even just see them, you need to be present. I'm
surprised your mother thinks it would be perfectly satisfactory
to take your kids to visit with a relative who refuses to see
you. It is not okay. And your mother's suggestion is really
quite out of line.
#Post#: 34312--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: Rose Red Date: July 11, 2019, 9:27 am
---------------------------------------------------------
What the?! You're in the clear.
I actually don't blame B. She probably mentioned she wanted to
meet the children to your mom as a casual comment. It's your mom
who ran with it by wanting to take your children without you
even though she claims B doesn't have a problem with you. What
is mom thinking?
I would just move on unless you hear anything straight from B.
She may be just as confused and appalled by your mom's actions
as you are.
#Post#: 34313--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: Isisnin Date: July 11, 2019, 9:59 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Everyone is in the clear etiquette-wise. Even arguably B. SHe is
etiquette-lacking when it comes to meeting up with people, but
she's got a month to make arrangements.
What about you texting her something like: "I hear you're in
town for a month. Would love to catch up and you can met the
girls. Pls let me know if you can and we can choose a time and
place."?
In this way, you've extended yourself to her. If you don't
contact, she might claim in the future that since you didn't
contact her so clearly you were in the wrong and/or didn't want
to see her. (can you tell I have difficult sibling
relationships?!)
No downside to you contacting her.
#Post#: 34315--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: lakey Date: July 11, 2019, 11:05 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think that your suggestion was fine. Given the fact that you
haven't seen your sister in a long time, and your children are
so young, your mother's suggestion that she take your children
to see your sibling, without you, is strange.
I'd go with what you already said. Whatever B has chosen as her
lifestyle, she doesn't get to expect everyone else to do things
at her convenience. If she can't put herself out for other
people, she can't expect them to put themselves out for her.
Your idea of setting up a get-together with all concerned seems
like a better idea than your mother's idea.
#Post#: 34319--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: TootsNYC Date: July 11, 2019, 11:55 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]and she doesn't always have time to respond to text
messages. [/quote]
OK, this pushed SUCH a button for me that I stopped reading to
post this.
Has she never heard of emojis?
And...came back to say, you are definitely in the clear.
My big brother is a little like this. For a very long time, the
ONLY way he and I ever communicated was if I went to visit my
Mom, and she arranged for us to see one another. For a while I
tried, but I would be met with, "oh, we'll see what the weekend
olds when you get here."
Then he came to NYC once for three days and sat around in his
hotel room doing nothing--but didn't call me. Sat at the airport
for half a way waiting for his flight--but didn't call me.
I got the message. That was when I just stopped ever trying to
contact him and left it up to Mom. I didn't even mention him to
Mom anymore, because I realized he treated her a little like
that, and it must hurt to be put in the position of defending
him to me.
I used to say, "When my parents pass away, I will have no reason
to ever contact him again. He and I will become those siblings
that say, 'I have brother that lives in that state; we haven't
been in touch for 20 years.' "
I don't know if that still will be true, but it might.
I think you are in the clear.
If your mom wants to arrange a get-together that includes your
family, she can do that. But no taking your kids without you.
(I bet your mom is trying to capitalize on even the tiniest
interest demonstrated by your sister, because I bet she is
heartbroken that her daughter can't be bothered with her.)
#Post#: 34323--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 11, 2019, 12:24 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Girlie, you're totally in the clear on this!
I realise that I send out hugs at the drop of a hat, but as a
fellow not-quite-fully-hinged family 'survivor', I know I
invariably end up feeling guilty when I stand up for myself, so
here are some gratuitous {{hugs}} in case you need them.
I'm in a spot at the moment where my crazy cousin wants to be
friends, but I'm remembering all the criticisms, and the years
when I tried [every six months or so] to keep our relationship
[which used to be good] going with a phone call only to be told
in the snottiest tone possible "I'm BUSY!".
Well, ya know, now I'm busy!
It may be "busy doing nothing", but it's busy nonetheless, and
I've had to put my mum on an 'information diet', and I even got
the first proper apology* from her that I can ever remember
after she's been on Low Contact for taking my cousin's side over
her daughter's.
* I once got an "I'm sorry if you were offended" or similar
non-apology.
It's taken me a few days, but now I'm just happy that I'm no
longer asking "how high?" when family want me to jump; that
feels marvellous.
#Post#: 34330--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can I Get an "All-Clear?"
By: Hanna Date: July 11, 2019, 12:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
You are totally in the clear! No way would any children of mine
be taken to see anyone without me in a situation like this.
There’s no reason you know about that she’s averse to seeing you
other than lack of interest apparently. So I’m wondering why in
the world she wants to meet your children!
I feel for your Mother, but given that your sister doesn’t have
much a relationship with anyone in the family, pictures should
satisfy her just fine.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page