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#Post#: 34394--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: Hmmm Date: July 12, 2019, 8:26 am
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Andi, I'm sorry for your family's loss.
The path I would probably take is to say "OK, I'll take them
home and see what works for me but are you ok if I donate the
rest?"
However if you are not ok with that small white lie, then maybe
a "Dad, I've already chosen the only items that would work for
me. If you are not ready to donate them outside the family,
maybe we just pack them away for a while until you decide what
you want to do with them? Do you think any of Stepmom's friends
might be interested in some of these things?"
#Post#: 34398--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: IWish Date: July 12, 2019, 8:48 am
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I agree with silversurfer. He wants them gone, but he doesn't
want them "gone." If the items remain with you there is still a
connection to his deceased wife. (I know someone going through
the exact same quandry right now.) Your best bet is to find an
organization whose mission would honor her memory (homeless,
battered women, animals?) to accept the donations and explain it
to your father in those terms. And maybe keep a few more items
yourself, then quietly discard in the coming months.
#Post#: 34411--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: Luci Date: July 12, 2019, 11:42 am
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[quote author=Effie link=topic=1222.msg34386#msg34386
date=1562930473]
I would just take whatever he wanted to give me and then quietly
donate them.
No need to discuss the future of the items with your father. It
is enough that he does not have to look at or deal with them
himself. It would be a great kindness if you could just make
them disappear and never speak of them again.
[/quote]
That was our method. And of course there were a few things I
wanted to use or display.
#Post#: 34412--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: Carol1412 Date: July 12, 2019, 11:46 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1222.msg34290#msg34290
date=1562826442]
During the first stages of grief it's not easy to formulate even
to ourselves how we feel and what we want, let alone articulate
it. I suspect that what he really wants is not for you to own
and wear her clothes - in fact if you actually did, he might
find the experience of seeing that as creepy as you would feel
wearing them. He mainly wants to not have them stay in the house
ambushing him with loss every time he opens a cupboard door, but
also because they were part of her he doesn't want them just
destroyed, or treated with disrespect.
So putting them out for the binmen is out of the question,
obviously, and bundling them up and taking them to a charity is
something he just can't face doing himself. He needs to have
them taken away by someone who loves him, and also loved her,
and will know what to do with them. My guess is that if you just
say "OK Dad, I'll take her clothes and find good homes for
them', that will be fine with him, and he won't need or even
want to know where you do plan to take them.
[/quote]
This - exactly.
I'm going to visit my father tomorrow to do just this. Mom
passed two weeks ago and he's declined all attempts by neighbors
and friends to go through her things because he wants a daughter
to do that. I will take it all away, donating as appropriate.
But I will not throw anything in the garbage while he's
watching. That would be cruel.
#Post#: 34443--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: andi Date: July 12, 2019, 8:23 pm
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Thank you all so much for all the advice.
I went out yesterday, and my plan was to just take everything
that dad suggested, and then resort and donate it after I got
home. Fortunately, my aunt (Mom’s sister) and her daughter were
there when I got there. Since I had a nice buffer, and other
people who were willing to say “no thank you“, it made things
easier. I was also able to convince dad that mom and I were
nowhere near the same size, since she was a petite large or
extra large and I am by no means a petite.
I did take couple sweatshirts and sweaters that’ll be good for
work or in the air-conditioning, and quite a few accessory type
items such as scarves and hats. We made it through most of her
clothes but I’ll have to go back out to help him finish off some
of the things. It’ll be harder to convince him that make up
that’s too years old, and even older, probably just needs to be
thrown away. Same goes for some of the perfumes and lotions that
she had. Again, I may just take it all and dispose of it after I
get home. It’s not really the type of stuff that you can donate
and less you know somebody very well.
My step brother is currently back in home state for a visit,
him and when he gets back we’re gonna have to talk about a
couple of the jewelry pieces. One of the necklaces that I really
wanted was one that I always remember her wearing every day, but
the diamond in it is made out of the ring that her first husband
gave her. So my step brother may want that for sentimental
reasons.
#Post#: 34449--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: Aleko Date: July 13, 2019, 12:59 am
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Andi, if I were you I really would just take all the make-up and
perfumes, saying "I'll sort through these", and bin them at home
- less stress and trouble for everyone.
If any of the stuff was really old, it might be possible to find
someone who wants it - there is a market for vintage perfume
bottles and powder compacts, as collectables in their own right
and as film props. Otherwise, if it isn't still in sealed
packaging I agree that it's not donateable.
#Post#: 34647--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: Twik Date: July 16, 2019, 10:19 am
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I think the easiest way of dealing with this is to translate
your father's wishes into "please take this away, I can't cope
with it," rather than "please wear my late wife's stuff."
Older people often hate the thought of "waste," and it's hard
for them to just throw something out. Surely someone, somewhere,
can use it! But often, the real truth is no, no one can, or
wants to.
If you take the stuff then dispose of it, I doubt your dad will
ever check on what happened to it.
#Post#: 34656--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: NFPwife Date: July 16, 2019, 11:52 am
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Andi, I'm sorry for your loss and glad to read the update that
you're working your way through this with him. I'll add to the
previous advice that we would say to my FIL, "(MIL) would want
us to bless someone with this," as a way to get him to donate.
Then, we made sure it went to causes she would have supported.
That language was the most effective with him.
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1222.msg34449#msg34449
date=1562997556]
Andi, if I were you I really would just take all the make-up and
perfumes, saying "I'll sort through these", and bin them at home
- less stress and trouble for everyone.
If any of the stuff was really old, it might be possible to find
someone who wants it - there is a market for vintage perfume
bottles and powder compacts, as collectables in their own right
and as film props. Otherwise, if it isn't still in sealed
packaging I agree that it's not donateable.
[/quote]
When these things started trickling down to us, I checked
several of the items. There were some unopened items of good
quality - Laura Mercier, philosphy, etc. (I think she'd gotten
onto some auto-ship lists with a home shopping network and, when
she got ill, it backed up.) I kept and used those. Everything
else went straight into the bin. I didn't even bring it into the
house. Aleko makes a good point about vintage bottles,
otherwise, dump all the half opened things.
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