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#Post#: 34277--------------------------------------------------
Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warning
family death mentioned
By: andi Date: July 10, 2019, 8:33 pm
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Last month, my stepmother passed away after several years of
being ill and a year long, serious decline of health. That year
had been especially hard on my dad and stepbrother since they
were both her full-time caregivers. Now my dad is going through
a period of time where I know he misses her, but at the same
time is relieved that she has passed on because she’s in a much
better place. He’s also been on me to come out and help him get
things cleaned out because I know he wants to do some
redecorating and re-organizing and having so many of her
personal things still there is very sad for him.
I don’t mind going out to help him clean things out and get
organized. The problem is, he keeps pressuring me to take a lot
of her things, especially her clothes. I’ve already taken some
personal pieces of jewelry and a pair of shoes, that’s all I
want. We were no where near the same size, and didn’t have the
same sense of style. I’ve told him this several times, but it’s
not sinking in. I don’t know how else to tell him “I don’t want
mom’s clothes, I find it creepy and won’t wear them”
Please help. I’m going there tomorrow and I want to help him
organize for donations and not come home with anything
#Post#: 34278--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: edgypeanuts Date: July 10, 2019, 9:11 pm
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I would point out how much someone else could use whatever item
and offer to take it to Goodwill for him. Perhaps even Goodwill
in your town so he doesn't see it on other people.
Or if he is very insistent, take the items and donate them when
you get home. (unless you think he'd notice)
Sorry, those are the only thoughts I have. Good luck and hope
the cleaning goes smoothly.
#Post#: 34279--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: silversurfer Date: July 10, 2019, 9:37 pm
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I am sorry for you loss andi.
I've got a couple of suggestions that may or may not work for
you.
Could you frame it as "stepmum wouldn't want her clothes sitting
her without being used. If I take them to my place they will
just be sitting at my place not getting used. Let's honour
stepmum and pass her clothes on to <charity group> who will need
them." Or "I know <Charity organisation> is looking for winter
clothes, maybe we can drop them off there?"
I think the most difficult part for your Father is seeing the
clothes actually leave the house. So talk to your dad and tell
him you will take all the clothes, and then you will decide what
to keep and what to donate.
That way, you can get them out of the house. You've already got
the jewellery and the shoes you want. Take the clothes and drop
them at a charity shop or at the tip or wherever. The clothes
never have to make it to your place.
good luck!
#Post#: 34286--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: lakey Date: July 10, 2019, 11:06 pm
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"I can't wear them because they aren't my size."
"I already have too much."
Do offer to take stuff to Goodwill or a similar shop. You could
tell him that there are low income people who need the clothes.
This is a tough thing for him to have to do, so good on you for
helping him with it.
#Post#: 34290--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: Aleko Date: July 11, 2019, 1:27 am
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During the first stages of grief it's not easy to formulate even
to ourselves how we feel and what we want, let alone articulate
it. I suspect that what he really wants is not for you to own
and wear her clothes - in fact if you actually did, he might
find the experience of seeing that as creepy as you would feel
wearing them. He mainly wants to not have them stay in the house
ambushing him with loss every time he opens a cupboard door, but
also because they were part of her he doesn't want them just
destroyed, or treated with disrespect.
So putting them out for the binmen is out of the question,
obviously, and bundling them up and taking them to a charity is
something he just can't face doing himself. He needs to have
them taken away by someone who loves him, and also loved her,
and will know what to do with them. My guess is that if you just
say "OK Dad, I'll take her clothes and find good homes for
them', that will be fine with him, and he won't need or even
want to know where you do plan to take them.
#Post#: 34324--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 11, 2019, 12:30 pm
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Condolences on your loss, andi; {hugs}.
I think if you can't get through to him, you could regard the
clothes as a gift, and we all know that once a gift is given the
donor no longer has any say in what happens...
The clothes can (once in your possession) be quietly passed on
to a charity in your home town, and never mentioned again.
I would try the "it would be much better that they go to people
who can use/need them" tack first, but if that's without joy,
just take them and quietly 're-gift' to the charity of your
choice.
#Post#: 34343--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: bopper Date: July 11, 2019, 2:07 pm
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You can
1) Just say no "Dad, I have the items of stepmom's that are
meaningful to me. I always loved the bird necklace...It makes me
think of her when I wear it."
2) Help him out...maybe he is overwhelmed and doesn't know what
to do with them. "Dad, I can't take these clothes. We can bring
them to goodwill so others can get use out of them. I am sure
people will love her taste. "
3) or maybe he is having trouble giving them away...it is like
he is giving her away. If he gives them to you, they are still
around. "Dad, I know this is tough getting stepmom's clothes out
of the house...but you know Step mom, she wouldn't want the
clothes to be a burden on either of us. She would want to help
others with them. Let's take them to Goodwill/Salvation Army."
#Post#: 34386--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: Effie Date: July 12, 2019, 6:21 am
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I would just take whatever he wanted to give me and then quietly
donate them.
No need to discuss the future of the items with your father. It
is enough that he does not have to look at or deal with them
himself. It would be a great kindness if you could just make
them disappear and never speak of them again.
#Post#: 34391--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: DaDancingPsych Date: July 12, 2019, 7:59 am
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I am sorry for your loss.
My mom and I both hate to get rid of things; we are pack rats by
nature. She has been on a home cleansing kick, but sometimes she
hates to toss things that are still good. On occasion, I have
felt pressured to take some things that I do not want. My
solution has been to take them and then donate them to the
veterans group who collects and resales such things. Mom is none
the wiser and I am helping out a good organization. Could you do
something similar? "Ok Dad, I will take this bag home and see if
anything fits me." Then drive the bag to your local donation
center. If Dad asks (and if he is anything like mine, he would
not even notice what clothes I am or not wearing), you could
simply say that many items did not work for you.
#Post#: 34392--------------------------------------------------
Re: Polite ways of saying “no thank you I don’t want that”- warn
ing family death mentioned
By: Kimberami Date: July 12, 2019, 8:05 am
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[quote author=silversurfer link=topic=1222.msg34279#msg34279
date=1562812665]
I am sorry for you loss andi.
I've got a couple of suggestions that may or may not work for
you.
Could you frame it as "stepmum wouldn't want her clothes sitting
her without being used. If I take them to my place they will
just be sitting at my place not getting used. Let's honour
stepmum and pass her clothes on to <charity group> who will need
them." Or "I know <Charity organisation> is looking for winter
clothes, maybe we can drop them off there?"
I think the most difficult part for your Father is seeing the
clothes actually leave the house. So talk to your dad and tell
him you will take all the clothes, and then you will decide what
to keep and what to donate.
That way, you can get them out of the house. You've already got
the jewellery and the shoes you want. Take the clothes and drop
them at a charity shop or at the tip or wherever. The clothes
never have to make it to your place.
good luck!
[/quote]
I love this so much. Certainly your stepmom would want her
things to be given to someone who needs them. What a beautiful
legacy to leave behind.
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