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#Post#: 33606--------------------------------------------------
Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she already su
ggested a possible yes. OP #86, #97
By: jpcher Date: June 28, 2019, 5:33 pm
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My mother (age 84) is turning 1/2 of my late father's shop into
a guest suite/studio apartment. They have talked about this for
a while, before my father passed away, using it for maybe a care
takers (yard, garden, health, etc.) apartment or for extended
guests stay. Mom is going forward with the plan.
Mom met a person over a year ago that she befriended (Zelda,
56ish yrs old) who has been having difficulties with living
arrangements. Zelda lives within the government paid housing
program and has had problems with keeping a job.
When Mom first started talking about Zelda, after Dad died, I
thought she would be a great companion to Mom. Mom talked about
Zelda's generosity, thoughtfulness, etc.
Mom suggested to Zelda that the studio apartment might be
available to her.
I do not know how strongly the suggestion was made but I do
understand from Mom that it was only a simple thought of maybe.
Zelda has glommed onto the idea of living with my mom. She says
she's going to plant trees/garden etc. Which is great.
However, recently, Zelda has started bad-mouthing, to my mom,
her past landlords and employers. Saying how everybody hates
her.
I asked my Mom "How long will it take before she thinks you hate
her?" She said "I know! That's one of my concerns." PLUS! Zelda
is already having her mail forwarded to Mom's house! Without a
formal agreement, and the space won't be finished for another
month or two.
There are many other red flags out there.
Zelda currently lives with her aunt Maggie, who is a very good
friend of my mother. Maggie told my mother that she would have
to be crazy if she wanted Zelda to live with her.
Mom is going to talk to her lawyer about rental/lease policies
and maybe have that in her ammunition pocket when she tells
Zelda "No".
I asked Mom if she would mind if I posted her question here . .
. She said "Please do" She would be grateful for any responses.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. How would you say 'NO' to a
person who has perceived the suggestion of an offer is a
definite yes?
#Post#: 33607--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she alread
y suggested a possible yes.
By: AnnNottingham Date: June 28, 2019, 5:44 pm
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This might be blunt, but your mother has no idea how to be a
landlord (that's what she would be). Judge Judy is chock full
of cases like this, when someone who doesn't know what they're
doing just rents a room or in-law suite and "figures it out" as
they go along.
As for Zelda, have your mother tell her she's changed her mind
about renting it out after all. Then she should get her mail
sent back to her, and do nothing that looks like Zelda is a
tenant. Believe me, she probably knows this game.
#Post#: 33609--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she alread
y suggested a possible yes.
By: sandisadie Date: June 28, 2019, 5:59 pm
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The last thing your Mother needs at her age is a tenant who
doesn't have a steady job. The mail should be immediately sent
back to this woman's address and she should be told politely but
firmly that the apartment is not available to her. This
situation sounds like someone taking advantage of your Mother.
#Post#: 33610--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she alread
y suggested a possible yes.
By: Surly Date: June 28, 2019, 6:00 pm
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Ack. This was me a year ago -- I got suckered into having a
friend-of-a-friend as my tenant, and it was awful. One day I
came home and she'd just taken all of the plants out of all of
my gardens, because she had better ideas for the gardens.
Zelda's trampling over boundaries now, and it will get worse if
she moves in.
I agree with guihong, your mom needs to tell her now, very
clearly, that she has decided not to rent the space. No maybes,
no I'll-think-about-it. She needs to make sure Zelda does not
wind up living with her.
#Post#: 33611--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she alread
y suggested a possible yes.
By: Hanna Date: June 28, 2019, 7:00 pm
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Agree with all of the above. Also, if your Mom is not
comfortable with telling her it’s not going to happen, you might
give her the option of saying “My daughter is managing my
affairs and has other plans for the space.”
And definitely mark the mail to be forwarded and “not at this
address”.
#Post#: 33614--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she alread
y suggested a possible yes.
By: oogyda Date: June 28, 2019, 7:39 pm
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No JADE ing!
This is extremely important! All JADEing does is open the
discussion up for arguement.
You might want to practice with your mom so that she is not able
to be firm and concise through it all.
She could start start with "As it turns out, I won't be able to
rent the space to you, Zelda." Then stick to variations of that
phrase....but never, ever JADE!
#Post#: 33618--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she alread
y suggested a possible yes.
By: bopper Date: June 28, 2019, 10:35 pm
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"Zelda, I know we had been talking about possibilities for the
space I was renovating. I just want to let you know I will not
be able to rent the space to you so you can make plans
accordingly."
"But you said i could!"
"No, I didn't Zelda. I just wanted to let you know so you can
plan."
#Post#: 33623--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she alread
y suggested a possible yes.
By: LifeOnPluto Date: June 29, 2019, 12:20 am
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Should your mum let Zelda stay, she'll never get rid of her!
Wasn't there a poster on the old forums (from Australia, if I
recall) who underwent an extremely protected and messy saga with
a friend whom she agreed could live with her on her property?
Don't let your mum end up like her!
[quote author=bopper link=topic=1210.msg33618#msg33618
date=1561779357]
"Zelda, I know we had been talking about possibilities for the
space I was renovating. I just want to let you know I will not
be able to rent the space to you so you can make plans
accordingly."
"But you said i could!"
"No, I didn't Zelda. I just wanted to let you know so you can
plan."
[/quote]
I like this wording! If your mum wants, she could always soften
the blow by saying "There might have been some miscommunication
between us. I wasn't actually making you a definite offer to
move in. At the time I was still exploring a range of
possibilities for using the space. I apologise for not making
that clearer."
#Post#: 33629--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she alread
y suggested a possible yes.
By: Aleko Date: June 29, 2019, 3:23 am
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Second all of the above. Plus: taking it on herself to give that
apartment as her address months not only before there is a
written agreement but before it even exists as a place to live
would be outrageously overstepping (and saddle OP's mom with a
lot of work forwarding her mail to where she currently lives),
even if OP's mom did have a settled intention of taking her as a
tenant. Mom can certainly say something like 'I am very taken
aback that you have started telling people that you live here.
Please correct this misinformation. I am forwarding to you
everything that has arrived to date, but if mail continues to
arrive for you I'll have to start marking it 'return to sender'.
That should act as a cold shower on Zelda.
Agree on not JADEing: but if Zelda gets to hear when the place
is ready and Mom is looking for a tenant, and puts herself
forward again, Mom might reply brightly, 'I'm doing this by the
book, so that both I and my tenant, whoever that turns out to
be, have proper legal protection. I'm sure you will agree that
that's best for everyone! We'll need to start by your providing
me with references from your employer and a previous landlord,
and I'll have to run a credit check of course'.
Edited to add: Maude is right that this should be done in
writing. Not only is that a whole lot easier for this kind of
debunking of assumptions than phone or face to face speaking;
it's also referrable-to. ("if you look at what I wrote to you
last July..."
#Post#: 33630--------------------------------------------------
Re: Please help my Mom with polite wording (no!) when she alread
y suggested a possible yes.
By: guest24 Date: June 29, 2019, 3:45 am
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However your mother phrases it, I would suggest that it be done
in writing.An email is probably best, but snail mail would
suffice, although snail mail would be difficult if this woman's
mail is already being delivered to mother's address.
Would it be worth getting a lawyer to write a letter saying
basically" This will not happen." ?
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