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#Post#: 33538--------------------------------------------------
Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: malfoyfan13
Date: June 26, 2019, 7:57 pm
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I recently joined a newly formed crafting group; there are 7 or
8 of us, all women over 40. I've been to two meetings and
noticed that two of the women are "monologue" style
conversationalists - they tend to start talking and just don't
stop for perhaps 20 minutes, on whatever tangent they take off
of the original conversation. One of the women complains
endlessly, the other brags endlessly. At the last meeting we
were talking about some aspect of our craft and both (one after
the other) launched into their monologues. Eventually we moved
on to other topics, but I found it really annoying. I don't
know how the other group members felt but they kind of looked
the way I felt, like they didn't know what to do either.
So my question is, what do you do in this situation? I barely
know these people, so I'm not going to be rude and interrupt
them (even though I want to yell "shut the &^% up!"). Do you
just grin and bear it and wait for them to finish so you can
bean dip? I used to run into people like this when I was
teaching craft classes and as the teacher, I'd gently redirect
them to focus on the task, but I can't do that here. I'm going
to stay with the group to see how it goes for a while, since I
like the other people and it's fun to hang out with people who
do my craft. My husband says to just let them talk, but it
seems rude to me when people act like this.
Any advice would be appreciated.
#Post#: 33539--------------------------------------------------
Re: Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: NyaChan
Date: June 26, 2019, 8:08 pm
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Since this is a group of 8 people, after a few minutes I would
start a new, quiet conversation with the person next to you if
they aren’t intently listening. Not loudly or abruptly, but
lean over and quietly say, “I don’t want to interrupt Talker,
but I was wondering how you (insert crafty thing about their
project). That can help break the ice so that people see how
more than one conversation can be held in a group of this size.
If you do it few times with different people, I wouldn’t be
surprised if it breaks the group’s feeling that everyone has to
keep quiet. Of course it could be that they all love the
monologues in which case this method may not work or might not
go over well.
#Post#: 33545--------------------------------------------------
Re: Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: Aleko
Date: June 27, 2019, 1:07 am
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I'm with NyaChan: a group of 7 or 8 people is well big enough to
have more than one conversation going on at the same time.
Consider: if that number of people were sitting round a dinner
table, nobody would expect or require them not to chat to their
neighbours but all listen quietly to a single person throughout
the meal!
I agree also that it's very likely that many of the others are
just waiting for a lead, someone to demonstrate that separate
conversations are 'allowed'. Maybe even the monologuists don't
demand to be heard in reverent silence, so long as they get to
say their piece. I would suggest though that the new
conversational ploy should be started as soon as one of them
gets on her hobby-horse. Leave it too long, and it would be hard
to avoid the implication 'I'm tired of listening to this, let's
talk about something else.'
#Post#: 33549--------------------------------------------------
Re: Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: lowspark
Date: June 27, 2019, 7:48 am
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Yup. That's exactly what I was going to say because it's exactly
what I do! Even in a group as small as four, you can start a
side conversation if the conversation that is currently
commanding everyone's attention is not something you're
interested in. It's very easy to do. You just say to the person
sitting next to you, "I've been wanting to ask you about..." or
"What did you think of..." or some other kind of thing that
indicates that you are not just starting a new conversation, but
one specific to the person you are starting it with. From there,
it can lead anywhere.
Just make sure not to get stuck sitting exactly between the two
monologists!
#Post#: 33550--------------------------------------------------
Re: Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: June 27, 2019, 9:57 am
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I agree with the approach of starting a side conversation.
However, I think these type of people don't even realize they
are monopolizing the conversation until someone does interrupt
them. I would be ok with you breaking in after 5 minutes or so
and saying "Oh sorry to interrupt but, before I forget...." then
ask a question to one of the other women (preferably one of the
more outspoken) about something from the previous week. Like:
Trish, did you find the material you were looking for?
Trish, how did that recipe turn out?
Trish, are you still planning to go to the quilting convention?
Or during the monolog, interrupt the speaker with a comment and
then a direct a question to someone else:
Oh, your vacation sounds lovely. Trish are you going anywhere
this year?
or
Oh, I'm so sorry that your back is acting up on you again.
Trish, didn't you mention you were having some knee issues? Have
you found a good specialist?
I just don't think it is rude to interrupt someone else who's
been talking non-stop in a social setting for more than 5
minutes.
#Post#: 33555--------------------------------------------------
Re: Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: malfoyfan13
Date: June 27, 2019, 11:53 am
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All excellent ideas, thank you! The way we were seated didn't
allow for me to start another conversation but I think next time
I'll sit closer to the non-monologuers so I can talk quietly to
them. It's a large room where we are seated in chairs or on
couches so we're kind of spread out. I was seated next to one
of the talkers. And I'm hoping that some of the others realize
they can talk; I felt like they weren't sure how to handle this
either, since we're all new to one another.
#Post#: 33556--------------------------------------------------
Re: Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: Jem
Date: June 27, 2019, 1:12 pm
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--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> I just don't think it is rude to interrupt someone else who's
been talking non-stop in a social setting for more than 5
minutes.
>
--- End Quote ---
Agreed!
#Post#: 33559--------------------------------------------------
Re: Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 27, 2019, 3:06 pm
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--- Quote from: NyaChan link ---
>
> Since this is a group of 8 people, after a few minutes I would
start a new, quiet conversation with the person next to you if
they aren’t intently listening. Not loudly or abruptly, but
lean over and quietly say, “I don’t want to interrupt Talker,
but I was wondering how you (insert crafty thing about their
project). That can help break the ice so that people see how
more than one conversation can be held in a group of this size.
If you do it few times with different people, I wouldn’t be
surprised if it breaks the group’s feeling that everyone has to
keep quiet. Of course it could be that they all love the
monologues in which case this method may not work or might not
go over well.
>
--- End Quote ---
Ditto. I'd just wait a beat or two and then start a second
conversation with someone else.
And I would also be willing to get up and move, or to move my
chair.
I also think it would be OK for someone who's been part of the
group for a little while to say, "Jane, let's give someone else
a chance to converse. Marcia, tell us about your design, and who
you're making your quilt for?"
#Post#: 33565--------------------------------------------------
Re: Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: Thitpualso
Date: June 27, 2019, 4:21 pm
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A good conversation involves several people exchanging ideas.
The participants may or may not agree but we all have the chance
to hear our views expressed and evaluated by others.
When someone launches into a monologue the monolgist holds the
floor in a sort of filibuster. ‘What I’m saying is so important
to me that no one else can say a word until I finish.’ The
monologist is either egotistic or very insecure. Perhaps s/he
is a bit of both.
Someone may try to get back to a conversation wth a comment
germane to the monologue. The monologist will acknowledge the
interjection with something like ‘well, that’s interesting but
then I...’ and pick up where s/he left off.
SIL is a consummate monologist. Once she starts on a pet subject
you can’t get her off it until she winds down. She would preach
to everyone on the merits of the blood type diet. She would
also go off on how everyone who worked for her absolutely loved
her. After listening to her for a while her father wondered why
nobody who worked for her didn’t file suit against her.
The best thing you can do with a monologist is to ignore them.
It may not seem polite to talk over what someone else is saying
but you could think of it as talking over Muzak in an elevator.
#Post#: 33566--------------------------------------------------
Re: Monologue conversationalists - what would you do?
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 27, 2019, 4:27 pm
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I wouldn't do anything that seems like chastising or correcting
them. It's not okay to "school" adults, and anyway, it is going
to cast a pall on the whole event.
For the craft group or other large group, I definitely agree
about starting a side conversation. You will know when it does
or doesn't feel pointed.
In other situations, I really like Hmmm's suggestion of
interrupting, gently, with a nice comment on what they are
saying, and then changing the subject by asking someone else a
question about something else. They get a "stroke," not a
criticism or a correction -- "Wow, Lola -- lucky for them you
were there/what an incredible vacation/sounds delicious.
Andrea, whatever happened with your cousin's cat?"
Now that I think of it, that's what we do with a friend who very
often turns each topic to herself and then goes on in way too
much extraneous detail. (I think she, like some other people,
has mild compulsion to tell every detail and side story about
every person, place, and thing in her story, even when she knows
we've already heard it several times.) We let her go for a long
time, then make a comment on what she was saying, then turn to
the other person and ask something like, "Did Daughter start her
new job yet?" or whatever. I think she probably realizes
what's happening, but she takes it in good spirit because she
realizes it really is someone else's turn now.
I think we have unconsciously been doing the
comment-first-before-changing-the-subject anyway, but now that I
can think of it as an actual technique, I'll be more confident
about doing it and probably do it better. I think it's a much
more graceful and kind way to change the subject and the speaker
than just abruptly doing it without the comment. So, thank you,
Hmmm! Brilliant as usual.
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