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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 33410--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Should I RSVP?
DIR By: Lilac
Date: June 25, 2019, 9:22 am
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Sorry for the "old" rating; no idea how that happened or how to
undo it.
I think you are fine to stall for a couple of months until your
work options are more clear.
#Post#: 33418--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Should I RSVP?
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: June 25, 2019, 11:02 am
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--- Quote from: Lilac link ---
>
> Sorry for the "old" rating; no idea how that happened or how
to undo it.
>
> I think you are fine to stall for a couple of months until
your work options are more clear.
>
--- End Quote ---
I call myself "old" all the time, so it's appropriate! ;D
#Post#: 33434--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Should I RSVP?
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 25, 2019, 12:28 pm
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I still say it's most considerate to get back to them promptly
and tell them you can't commit yet and give some idea of when
you might be able to do so.
Who knows why they did it this way? Maybe they just didn't know
any better. But maybe they are trying to get a ballpark idea of
how many people they are going to be hosting so that they can
plan accordingly. They may want to adjust their venue, hotel
block, menu, guest list (adding only!), etc. if the number is
substantially larger or smaller than they expected. There are
some decisions that are much easier when you have a better idea
of numbers.
So if you can, without making a problem for yourself, I'd give
them some kind of response.
#Post#: 33520--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Should I RSVP?
DIR By: jpcher
Date: June 26, 2019, 4:35 pm
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I think very early invites would be in consideration of out of
towners that need to plan vacation/travel time.
But isn't that what a STD is for? Unless they're trying to save
on mailing costs.
#Post#: 33533--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Should I RSVP?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 26, 2019, 6:29 pm
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--- Quote from: DaDancingPsych link ---
>
> [quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1203.msg33356#msg33356
date=1561403088]
> most wedding RSVP dates are 2 to 4 weeks before the event. I'd
say respond by 2 months if at all possible, and 1 month at the
very latest.
>
--- End Quote ---
This is very helpful information! I feel better about dragging
my feet to make a decision.
[/quote]
Caterers usually need final numbers 2 weeks out. It's polite to
give the hosts a little administrative time before that.
If you can respond earlier, it might make it possible for them
to widen their guest list with less offense (some people are
offended at being B-listed, and others are understanding of
it--my husband is in the second camp, and I've decided I am too,
despite having been a wedding etiquette expert).
#Post#: 33534--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Should I RSVP?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 26, 2019, 6:33 pm
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--- Quote from: jpcher link ---
>
> I think very early invites would be in consideration of out of
towners that need to plan vacation/travel time.
>
> But isn't that what a STD is for? Unless they're trying to
save on mailing costs.
>
--- End Quote ---
Or they're hoping they can extend invitations to people who
didn't make the first cut, and the earlier they get a definite
"no" from some people (which you won't get from an STD, only
from an invitation), the earlier they can then invite those
other people.
Some people are offended by B-lists, but my husband is not, and
I've decided that I'm mostly not either. Especially given how
expensive weddings can be.
We were invited late to a cousin's wedding, but they had a small
venue. We were happy to be thought of at all, and my DH
understood that we might be second-tier relatives, especially
considering that the first tier of family & friends pretty much
filled the room.
#Post#: 33564--------------------------------------------------
Re: When Should I RSVP?
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 27, 2019, 4:13 pm
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We talked about this a lot on the old forum.
I don't really see this as a B list; to me, that term implies
that some people are being treated better than others -- like
some people just getting cake and coffee and some people getting
a full meal. I'd call this "late additions" -- or perhaps
"alternates." :-)
To me, the trick is to make sure that people don't know that
they were on the "maybe" list. What we and our friends have
done is to send out the invitations to the out of town guests a
few weeks earlier than the local invitations. Most people
respond promptly; certainly enough that we get a better sense of
our numbers in that group so that we can more accurately figure
out how many from our list of "maybes" we can add. Local people
who were originally "maybes" will still get their invitations
the same time as the other in town people, and out of town
"maybe" friends don't know each other anyway so won't know when
anyone else got their invitation (there are rarely more than one
or two out of town "maybes" anyway).
Even if the locals for some reason find out (and care) that the
out of town invitations went out earlier, that's perfectly
rational, as they need more time. Anyway, there is no rule that
all invitations have to be mailed on the same day, after all.
And sometimes there are even cases when it's okay to invite
someone late -- like a new friend you just made or something;
far from being offended, they will probably be flattered that
even though the guest list was complete, you've opened it up
again to include them. And some people, especially those who
have hosted a lot of events themselves and who never would have
expected to be invited, are happy to be invited when there are
last-minute cancellations or something. My parents did that at
my wedding; an elderly relative in our family died a few days
before the wedding. Her sons and daughters-in-law were
therefore in mourning, so they told my parents they would be
attending the ceremony only, which left four empty places at
tables. So my folks asked some friends of theirs who they knew
would be pleased, not offended, if they would like to come, and
they happily accepted. Or sometimes you might tell someone that
that you did invite something like, "We had some people cancel
at the last minute; do you think that Teenage Daughter and Son
would like to attend with you?" But all of this group are a BIG
know-your-audience thing -- I would not for a minute suggest
that this is etiquette-sanctioned, just that it's an area where
sometimes making an exception is a happy thing for all involved,
so I wouldn't let a rule stand in the way when I know for a fact
all involved would prefer it. But definitely, proceed with
caution and tact!
For myself, the few times I suspected that I was a
"second-flight" invitee, I was actually flattered. I mean,
obviously they really wanted us there, or they wouldn't have
bothered to add us. I know I can't be everyone's very best
friend and be on everyone's short list of guests. It's no
insult to be on a list of "people we would love to include if
some of our must-invite people can't make it." All the people
on our "maybe" lists have always been people we really liked and
would love to include if it looked like there would be space
(venue and budget). So I assume that's true of me, too, if I
am invited in a second round of invitations.
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