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#Post#: 33330--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: TootsNYC Date: June 24, 2019, 7:19 am
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[quote author=Pattycake link=topic=1202.msg33315#msg33315
date=1561336309]
It sounds like Mary is a bit at fault here too though. Shouldn't
she be telling Susan something like, "well, that's good you're
not coming because I was the only one invited?" Actually, there
likely was more conversation before it got to this point, and
Mary should have been telling Susan that the invitation was not
extended to her this time. And so i would say to tell Mary next
time, yes please do not mention it to Susan as we cannot
accommodate her as well.
[/quote]
Yeah, Mary is the biggest problem. She's assuming that Susan is
on an equal footing.
It might be time to sit her down and say: "Listen: Susan and us
are not close. We're friendly with her, but that's it. She is
not on equal footing with all our other friends. Perhaps she's
talking as though we are closer than we are, but we are not.
"Therefore, I need you to not discuss us with Susan.
ESPECIALLY do I not want you to tell her we aren't close--that's
drama none of us need.
"But also--just leave us out of the conversation. You don't
need to hide things, but just don't share news of us with her.
We don't want her to know, particularly--we aren't friends of
hers.
"And another thing--you told us 'Susan decided not to come,'
but I want to stress to you again--we did not invite her. It is
not appropriate for you to in any way hint to someone else that
they can come to our home; only we can issue invitations. Should
Susan say, 'Maybe I'll go to,' your line is: 'I'm not authorized
to invite you along--it's not my house. If they want to invite
you, they will call.'"
And then I'd delete and block Susan everywhere.
#Post#: 33333--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Lilac Date: June 24, 2019, 8:32 am
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Texan says she replied this to Susan: "of course you can tell
her, I didn’t invite her, so why would she be upset.’"
I think this could've been interpreted as "Well, i didn't invite
her (yet) but of course you can tell her she can come along, so
no need for her to be upset."
It's not how I would've deciphered the text but could see some
people doing it as the above, i.e., "Mary doesn't need to be
upset becasue she is welcome to come."
Maybe "I can only host you, Susan, and Mary is not invited, so I
don't know why you would mention this to her at all." would've
been clearer to Susan. If Susan expresses surprise just say
something like "We knew Susan through activities related to our
freindship with BF but we were never close, and now that we're
geographically separated the relationship won't be continuing."
If pressed, add: "We plan to only host those were were really
compatible with."
I'd ignore "Can't wait to visit you!" social media posts. If
they message something like "Arriving Friday!" just respond with
"Great, let us know where you are staying and if we're in town
over the weekend perhaps we can get together for a drink. Have
a great time."
#Post#: 33337--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Hmmm Date: June 24, 2019, 10:00 am
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The texts were really confusing to me. Both her's to you and
yours to her. I think what she was trying to say was that she
thought Mary would be hurt to not be included in the invite so
when you said it was ok to tell her she took it to mean you were
ok to include her in the invite. I think I would be upfront with
Mary and tell her that in the future she should not extend
invitations to your home to others. I probably would also
mention that you do not see Susan as a close friend whom you'll
ever extend an invitation to stay at your home.
If Susan reaches out personally to suggest visiting, the "that
won't be possible" is a great response for these occasions,
especially since you have no desire to keep up a relationship
with her.
#Post#: 33344--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Thitpualso Date: June 24, 2019, 11:24 am
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Just say ‘No’.
SIL once had a wonderful plan all worked out. She had coached
the child of a friend in a junior soccer league some years
before. The child was now of college age and would be attending
a school not far from our home. The family didn’t want to pay
for on-campus housing. SIL thought the perfect solution was for
‘Chris’ to move into our second bedroom until (if ever) suitable
off-campus housing was found at a reasonable price.
We shot that one down pronto!
We had never met nor had contact with any members of this
family. We didn’t even know the gender of ‘Chris’. Our second
bedroom had become our home office for many years and we weren’t
about to open our home to a teen-aged stranger for an indefinite
period of time.
SIL was rather hurt by our response but she got over it. Mary
will get over this too.
The welcome mat may be out for invited friends. However, the
welcome mat is not printed on the host’s back.
#Post#: 33347--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Rose Red Date: June 24, 2019, 11:50 am
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[quote author=Lilac link=topic=1202.msg33333#msg33333
date=1561383161]
Texan says she replied this to Susan: "of course you can tell
her, I didn’t invite her, so why would she be upset.’"
[/quote]
This confused me too.
Mary's email didn't come right out that she's asking permission
to invite Susan, but it sounds like that's what she believed she
was asking.
The OP's reply probably sound like permission for Mary to
include Susan. "Of course you can tell her. I didn't invite her
(implying so you go ahead)."
I think communication should be clearer next time. If Mary is
not clear, keep asking questions until you know exactly what
she's asking. Ask "Why are you asking?" or something like that.
Because, well, why *is* she asking if Susan can know about her
vacation plans?
#Post#: 33349--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Hanna Date: June 24, 2019, 12:17 pm
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For a text message like that, I would reply with a phone call
saying, "I was confused by your question about Mary. What's
going on?"
Then if she indicated that Mary was going to be hurt that Susan
was invited but not her, "Well that is a little odd, you and I
are much closer than I am with Mary. I don't have any plans to
invite her to my house."
I think Susan is a little weird, too. Sounds like she and Mary
might be much closer than the OP knows.
#Post#: 33359--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: lowspark Date: June 24, 2019, 3:37 pm
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[quote author=Texan link=topic=1202.msg33308#msg33308
date=1561331214]
Last week there is a post from Susan on my Facebook wall “ John
(her bf) and I can’t wait to visit you guys!’ I ignored that.
[/quote]
I would remove her comment from your Facebook page immediately.
Leaving it there lends it legitimacy.
And if she makes additional comments in the same vein, remove
them as well.
"That won't be possible" is going to be your friend here. Any
time she brings it up, that's your reply. I feel like Facebook
is too public a place to say that though, which is why I suggest
simply removing her post.
#Post#: 33372--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: GardenGal Date: June 24, 2019, 4:51 pm
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[quote author=lowspark link=topic=1202.msg33359#msg33359
date=1561408660]
[quote author=Texan link=topic=1202.msg33308#msg33308
date=1561331214]
Last week there is a post from Susan on my Facebook wall “ John
(her bf) and I can’t wait to visit you guys!’ I ignored that.
[/quote]
I would remove her comment from your Facebook page immediately.
Leaving it there lends it legitimacy.
And if she makes additional comments in the same vein, remove
them as well.
"That won't be possible" is going to be your friend here. Any
time she brings it up, that's your reply. I feel like Facebook
is too public a place to say that though, which is why I suggest
simply removing her post.
[/quote]
Before removing the comment from your Facebook page, you should
send her a Facebook PM and say, "We have not invited you to stay
with us, and that won't be possible, but here's a list of hotels
in this area. Perhaps we can catch up for lunch if you come to
[my city]." Then you can block her from posting on your page
(if it's possible to do that) or just keep sending the same PM
and removing her posts.
I'd also have a phone conversation with Mary, telling her you
were shocked to see that Susan thought she (and her bf!) were
invited to stay at your home. Tell her you cannot imagine how
Susan got that idea, since you never extended an invitation to
her and won't be able to do so in the future. If Mary thought
that your original posts about Susan weren't totally clear, she
should have confirmed with you that you were inviting Susan (and
her bf). In any case, you need to communicate directly with
Susan to let her know she wasn't invited, and it seems you can't
count on Mary to make your wishes known to Susan.
And if you hear any more from either of them about Susan coming,
just tell Susan directly - no, staying with us isn't possible,
but here's a list of hotels in my city.
#Post#: 33374--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Lilac Date: June 24, 2019, 4:56 pm
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To be fair, didn't Susan's post say "Can't wait to visit you
guys!" or some such; not "Can't wait to stay at your place."
There's a difference. We prefer to stay at hotels rather than
in private homes, for privacy -- so could quite likely say
"Can't wait to visit you in Kiawah!" while fully intending to
find our own accommodations. There is no real indication that
the unwanted friend intends to crash the OP's home, other than
what their other mutual friend has been clumsily implying or
relaying.
Maybe an actual conversation rather than partial-sentence text
messages would clear things up.
#Post#: 33385--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: hovlane Date: June 24, 2019, 7:16 pm
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It sounds to me like there was a mistake in communication
between you and Mary. Why did Susan "decide not to come"?
Anyway, it really doesn't matter, even if she did invite herself
then change her mind. It's entirely possible, given your
description of her, so why sweat it? You already know she's
rude.
I would interpret her FB post to be akin to people who say to
each other "let's have lunch sometime", both parties nod in
enthusiastic agreement, fake or not, but both know the
likelihood of the lunch coming to fruition is unlikely for a
myriad of reasons. I wouldn't worry about it unless she starts
pushing it.
But that's me. I wouldn't even remove her comment from FB.
Ignoring her sends a message.
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