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#Post#: 33308--------------------------------------------------
Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Texan Date: June 23, 2019, 6:06 pm
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My husband and I moved from the east coast to the southwest last
year. I invited my friend Mary to visit us. She was making plans
but then I got a text “do you not want me to tell Susan I’m
coming?, I know she would be hurt if I went without her.’ My
reply ‘of course you can tell her, I didn’t invite her, so why
would she be upset.’ So she makes her reservations, texts me
the info and says ps - Susan decided not to come. I about lost
my mind trying to understand on what planet you invite yourself
to someone’s home. Last week there is a post from Susan on my
Facebook wall “ John (her bf) and I can’t wait to visit you
guys!’ I ignored that.
Background - my husband and I are her bf’s friends, she was
invited to get togethers, etc. but we are not close. I find her
unkind and we have nothing in common. For background, some of
the things Susan has done:
Came to a dinner party at my home and asked my husband to order
her a pizza.
When she told me a story once, I said “oh gee I didn’t know
that, her reply was “you were probably busy planning your little
wedding.’
Told me DH and I needed to have a party, when it should be, and
what should be served.
At one of her pot luck parties, saw me drinking a beer and said
‘you brought that right?’ Yes. Yes I did lol.
There’s more but you get the drift. I have no intention of
inviting them here. How do I stem this off when the inevitable
request comes? We like her BF and don’t want to be hurtful.
#Post#: 33310--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Venus193 Date: June 23, 2019, 6:16 pm
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Posting to see other answers, something I normally don't do.
I would be sorely tempted to tell her at some point that since
my hospitality didn't meet her standards in the past I didn't
think she would be interested. Hence, she was not invited.
#Post#: 33311--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Rose Red Date: June 23, 2019, 6:30 pm
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[quote author=Texan link=topic=1202.msg33308#msg33308
date=1561331214]
*snip*
texts me the info and says ps - Susan decided not to come. I
about lost my mind trying to understand on what planet you
invite yourself to someone’s home. Last week there is a post
from Susan on my Facebook wall “ John (her bf) and I can’t wait
to visit you guys!’ I ignored that.
[/quote]
I'm confused. Is Susan coming or not?
If she's coming and if you don't want her staying at your house,
call Mary (or tell Susan directly) to say the invitation was
only for Mary and you can't accommodate Susan and her boyfriend.
If you're worried about her inviting herself in the future, just
keeping saying "now is not a good time," "we're not up for
houseguests," etc.
#Post#: 33312--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: baritone108 Date: June 23, 2019, 6:45 pm
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Along the lines of "we're not up for house guests" you could
respond to her "I can't wait..." message with "Great! We'll let
you know when we're up for house guests." Then never get back
to her.
#Post#: 33313--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Dazi Date: June 23, 2019, 6:58 pm
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Here's some really great hotels that are nearby...
That way if they do visit, you aren't trapped with them in your
house.
I don't know if I ever told y'all about my one very persistent
uninvited house guest. It was a close relative of mine who was
known for 1. Being a mega moocher 2. Stealing anything that
wasn't nailed down. I never allowed them in my house as an
adult. NEVER. I got too much crap stolen from me as a kid from
this person and no one believed me at the time... They sure did
much later on. Well, this relative got it in their head that
they were going to visit me and get free accommodations during
spring break (I live in a very desirable tourist area). Anyway,
they failed to mention this visit to me and figured they would
just show up and I couldn't refuse them! I was on a 7 or10 day
Caribbean cruise. 😂😂😂😂😂.
#Post#: 33315--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Pattycake Date: June 23, 2019, 7:31 pm
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It sounds like Mary is a bit at fault here too though. Shouldn't
she be telling Susan something like, "well, that's good you're
not coming because I was the only one invited?" Actually, there
likely was more conversation before it got to this point, and
Mary should have been telling Susan that the invitation was not
extended to her this time. And so i would say to tell Mary next
time, yes please do not mention it to Susan as we cannot
accommodate her as well.
#Post#: 33317--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: NFPwife Date: June 23, 2019, 8:36 pm
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[quote author=Pattycake link=topic=1202.msg33315#msg33315
date=1561336309]
It sounds like Mary is a bit at fault here too though. Shouldn't
she be telling Susan something like, "well, that's good you're
not coming because I was the only one invited?" Actually, there
likely was more conversation before it got to this point, and
Mary should have been telling Susan that the invitation was not
extended to her this time. And so i would say to tell Mary next
time, yes please do not mention it to Susan as we cannot
accommodate her as well.
[/quote]
Agree. And Mary's message was confusing - it's almost a double
negative - "Do you want me to not tell?" What?! I think your
answer, Texan, was polite, but a little too obtuse for these
ppl. Telling Mary that she could tell Susan she (Mary) was
coming but that Susan wasn't invited and shouldn't be upset
wasn't clear enough. A "If she's going to be upset, don't tell
her. She wasn't invited. You were." is probably best. I'd be
tempted to add - "You probably shouldn't tell someone who wasn't
invited about the event," but that's instructing on etiquette.
(Which I know is rude, but sometimes it seems necessary.)
Also, ignoring the post was likely seen as an invitation of
sorts. I've done planned ignoring with these types and they take
it as permission giving - they push and push until they hit a
boundary, so I've learned to set it early and firmly.
#Post#: 33318--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Sycorax Date: June 23, 2019, 9:25 pm
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I'm not sure how you'd prevent someone from inviting themselves
if you're not even the one speaking to them. I think having the
names of hotels to give them is probably best if they show up at
your door unannounced.
#Post#: 33321--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: doodlemor Date: June 23, 2019, 11:26 pm
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Keep in mind that purchasing nonrefundable airline tickets does
not trump your right to refuse hosting. A relative tried that
with me - didn't work for her.
#Post#: 33325--------------------------------------------------
Re: Uninvited houseguest - how to avoid
By: Aleko Date: June 24, 2019, 2:38 am
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It certainly sounds as though Mary's original message was
intended as a warning that if Susan were told about the
invitation she would assume it applied to her too, but wasn't
clear enough (?being over-tactful?) so that Texan failed to pick
up on what was meant. I think they need to have a conversation
in which Mary can report exactly what passed between her and
Susan, Texan can state her position (that no, she has no plans
to invite Susan, and will say 'sorry, not possible' if she tries
to invite herself) and they can agree how they will each of them
handle any advances Susan may make.
And I agree with baritone and the others who have said that
ignoring her 'I can't wait' post would be a mistake. A woman who
is capable of telling you that you need to give a party and
instruct you on the date and the catering, is quite capable of
taking silence as consent. A cool reply along the lines of
'we'll let you know when a visit would be convenient for us'
will do. If she pushes you can just repeat that ad infinitum,
and if she turns up on your doorstep you can just cry 'Not
possible! We told you we'd let you know when it was! And that
ain't now! Try the Holiday Inn!'
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