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#Post#: 33306--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 23, 2019, 5:05 pm
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I agree that short notice makes a difference.
But I also wonder whether the OP definitely knows that the other
engagement was just a casual burger with her neighbors that she
could do anytime or that she could have been invited to join.
Perhaps that other friend has a problem they need to discuss, or
they have some major stressor going on in their life right now,
or it’s a birthday in their family, or who knows what? We are
making assumptions that there was nothing more than she knows,
but it may not be true, and the OP’s friend may have been -
correctly - not sharing private information or putting the OP in
an awkward spot, if, for example, it was actually a birthday
dinner or something like that and she would not have had a gift.
I would be annoyed, too, but I think the best course of action
here, especially because this is a good friend, is to treat it
as a one off. If it starts happening a lot, then talk about it.
But the worst course of action is to say nothing, assume the
worst, and fester over it.
#Post#: 33322--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Raintree
Date: June 24, 2019, 1:19 am
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--- Quote from: Gellchom link ---
>
> I agree that short notice makes a difference.
>
>
> But I also wonder whether the OP definitely knows that the
other engagement was just a casual burger with her neighbors
that she could do anytime or that she could have been invited to
join. Perhaps that other friend has a problem they need to
discuss, or they have some major stressor going on in their life
right now, or it’s a birthday in their family, or who knows
what? We are making assumptions that there was nothing more than
she knows, but it may not be true, and the OP’s friend may have
been - correctly - not sharing private information or putting
the OP in an awkward spot, if, for example, it was actually a
birthday dinner or something like that and she would not have
had a gift.
>
--- End Quote ---
I wondered that as well, ie that maybe this wasn't one of their
usual diner dinners, but a special dinner that would have been
inappropriate to invite the OP to last minute.
Sounds as though she was rather offhand about cancelling 15
minutes prior though.
#Post#: 33326--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Aleko
Date: June 24, 2019, 2:56 am
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Is there anybody here who hasn't ever been so paralysed by guilt
that they can't even nerve themselves to apologise? For a friend
of over 30 years I would stick to that hypothesis, and reach out
without any recriminations to suggest another date.
#Post#: 33331--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Lilac
Date: June 24, 2019, 7:48 am
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As I said in the original post, Betty and I are in frequent
contact and know all about one another's comings and goings,
friends, relatives, etc. -- I can assure you that this wasn't a
special dinner, nor were the neighbors experiencing any
problems, because I get regular updates on everyone she knows.
I am well-acquainted with those people -- we have been at the
same parties, attended a rock concert together, gone on day-long
garden tours together, usually chat over the fence when I'm at
Betty's.
Betty had asked me for the plants. I left them at my relative's
house and she picked them up there the next day. Obviously she
didn't know that I was leaving her a retirement gift too, but
she texted her thanks when she saw it with the other items.
I sort of resent the implication that I am "making assumptions"
when I laid out the facts in my OP, including that we are very
frequent communicators and up to speed on what is going on in
one another's circle. The dinner they were headed to was a
routine meal at a local diner, one of several meals a week they
eat together just because.
As to "casual set-up" -- we have known one another since we were
about 20 years old, through many life passages, celebrations,
tragedies, etc. -- saying "hey, I'm going to be over at the lake
on Saturday, probably done around 4pm, want me to drop by with a
pizza?" is not "inviting myself over," it's offering a
get-together. She had been after me for months to come and see
her gutted-and-renovated bathroom, her new living-room
furntiure, the paint color she selected for the kitchen and the
new laminate flooring in her bedroom among myriad other changes
she's made since her husband died. My motive was to give her
the pleasure of showing off what she has been texting photos of
and asking my opinion re, now that the istallation is nearly
complete. She has often made similar "since I'll be in the
neighborhood" suggestions to me over the years, whether it's
near my home or near my workplace. Isn't that what people do?
At any rate I went back out to my relative's place to do more
work yesterday (it's a lakeside cottage I more or less do all
the maintenance on, in summers) but just zipped there and came
back home with no fanfare.
#Post#: 33353--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: lakey
Date: June 24, 2019, 1:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I'd be pretty upset with a person canceling plans 15 minutes
before meet up time unless it was an emergency. We all make
mistakes, but when you screw up you should minimize the
inconvenience for the other people involved. I think OP's friend
should have invited OP to the meal with her other friends. OP's
feelings and convenience are just as important as theirs. If the
others had had something private, or special they wanted to
discuss, they could have done that later. I'm sure OP's friend
didn't mean it that way, but it looked like the couple mattered
more than OP.
As far as how OP should proceed, that would depend on whether
this is a one time mistake or there is a pattern. I wouldn't
pull away from a friend for making one mistake. I'd give the
friend the benefit of a doubt and let it go.
#Post#: 33361--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Contrarian
Date: June 24, 2019, 3:51 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Raintree link ---
>
> [quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1192.msg33306#msg33306
date=1561327559]
> I agree that short notice makes a difference.
>
>
> But I also wonder whether the OP definitely knows that the
other engagement was just a casual burger with her neighbors
that she could do anytime or that she could have been invited to
join. Perhaps that other friend has a problem they need to
discuss, or they have some major stressor going on in their life
right now, or it’s a birthday in their family, or who knows
what? We are making assumptions that there was nothing more than
she knows, but it may not be true, and the OP’s friend may have
been - correctly - not sharing private information or putting
the OP in an awkward spot, if, for example, it was actually a
birthday dinner or something like that and she would not have
had a gift.
>
--- End Quote ---
I wondered that as well, ie that maybe this wasn't one of their
usual diner dinners, but a special dinner that would have been
inappropriate to invite the OP to last minute.
Sounds as though she was rather offhand about cancelling 15
minutes prior though.
[/quote]
Even so, at 15 minutes to go, you do damage control. To the
friends having scheduled a heavy talk over dinner “I’m so sorry!
I completely screwed up and friend will be here in 15 min. Do
you mind if we give her an hour or 90 min, to have dinner and
I’ll send her on her way?”
To OP “I screwed up and scheduled this pressing confidential
matter with these two. Do you mind if we all eat dinner
together? After dinner I’ll need to talk to them privately. I’m
sorry you took the drive for a bit of a rushed visit but I’ll
make it up to you”.
Honestly, at 15 minutes that person is practically at your door.
You have to deal with that.
#Post#: 33367--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 24, 2019, 4:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I quite agree, the OP's friend didn't handle it well.
OP, please note, I didn't say that YOU might be assuming
incorrectly what was going on -- I said that WE were.
It is always possible that even in such a close relationship,
though, there may be things going on that it just wasn't the
time to tell you, or that the other friends asked her please not
to repeat. I'm sure that your friend would do the same for you.
But I'm not saying that's what happened, or even probably
happened! Just a possibility for anyone in this kind of
situation.
I still think that the real problem here is the way the OP's
friend handled it. There are so many things that she could have
said that still would have left the OP feeling inconvenienced,
but not flipped off as if she and her time were insignificant.
I bet that if her friend had apologized profusely, and said
something like what Contrarian suggested:
--- Quote ---
> “I’m so sorry! I completely screwed up and friend will be here
in 15 min. Do you mind if we give her an hour or 90 min, to have
dinner and I’ll send her on her way?”
> To OP “I screwed up and scheduled this pressing confidential
matter with these two. Do you mind if we all eat dinner
together? After dinner I’ll need to talk to them privately. I’m
sorry you took the drive for a bit of a rushed visit but I’ll
make it up to you”.
--- End Quote ---
then the OP wouldn't be so steamed. I get it.
I've been in pretty much the identical situation more than once,
and what made all the difference was in how the person handled
it.
Even so, this is a good friend, so unless what you want is to be
mad at her, then I repeat my advice to let it go unless it gets
to be a frequent thing, in which case talk to her about how it
makes you feel. Give her a chance to succeed.
#Post#: 33368--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: chigger
Date: June 24, 2019, 4:35 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I don't know, I think I would be pretty hurt. I would probably
let it go, but I don't think I would be the instigator of plans
again, unless my friend had an epiphany and apologized.
#Post#: 33370--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Lilac
Date: June 24, 2019, 4:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Gellchom link ---
>
> I quite agree, the OP's friend didn't handle it well.
>
> OP, please note, I didn't say that YOU might be assuming
incorrectly what was going on -- I said that WE were.
>
> It is always possible that even in such a close relationship,
though, there may be things going on that it just wasn't the
time to tell you, or that the other friends asked her please not
to repeat. I'm sure that your friend would do the same for you.
But I'm not saying that's what happened, or even probably
happened! Just a possibility for anyone in this kind of
situation.
>
> I still think that the real problem here is the way the OP's
friend handled it. There are so many things that she could have
said that still would have left the OP feeling inconvenienced,
but not flipped off as if she and her time were insignificant.
I bet that if her friend had apologized profusely, and said
something like what Contrarian suggested:
>
> [quote] “I’m so sorry! I completely screwed up and friend will
be here in 15 min. Do you mind if we give her an hour or 90 min,
to have dinner and I’ll send her on her way?”
> To OP “I screwed up and scheduled this pressing confidential
matter with these two. Do you mind if we all eat dinner
together? After dinner I’ll need to talk to them privately. I’m
sorry you took the drive for a bit of a rushed visit but I’ll
make it up to you”.
--- End Quote ---
then the OP wouldn't be so steamed. I get it.
I've been in pretty much the identical situation more than once,
and what made all the difference was in how the person handled
it.
Even so, this is a good friend, so unless what you want is to be
mad at her, then I repeat my advice to let it go unless it gets
to be a frequent thing, in which case talk to her about how it
makes you feel. Give her a chance to succeed.
[/quote]
Gellchom, why are you insisting on fabricating things that
didn't happen? I have stated quite clearly that I know, due to
conversations/communication both before and after this event,
that there was nothing unusual or confidential happening that
evening. The circumstances truly were as I outlined them.
It's always possible that she was kidnapped by aliens and forced
to cancel dinner, or in the middle of a bank heist, too, when
she texted me -- but that is not what happened. I laid out the
facts -- facts, not supposition -- and asked for opinion here
based on the factual happenings, not imaginary scenarios.
Please do me the courtesy of taking me at my word.
#Post#: 33376--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: chigger
Date: June 24, 2019, 5:12 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Lilac link ---
>
> [quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1192.msg33367#msg33367
date=1561411673]
> I quite agree, the OP's friend didn't handle it well.
>
> OP, please note, I didn't say that YOU might be assuming
incorrectly what was going on -- I said that WE were.
>
> It is always possible that even in such a close relationship,
though, there may be things going on that it just wasn't the
time to tell you, or that the other friends asked her please not
to repeat. I'm sure that your friend would do the same for you.
But I'm not saying that's what happened, or even probably
happened! Just a possibility for anyone in this kind of
situation.
>
> I still think that the real problem here is the way the OP's
friend handled it. There are so many things that she could have
said that still would have left the OP feeling inconvenienced,
but not flipped off as if she and her time were insignificant.
I bet that if her friend had apologized profusely, and said
something like what Contrarian suggested:
>
> [quote] “I’m so sorry! I completely screwed up and friend will
be here in 15 min. Do you mind if we give her an hour or 90 min,
to have dinner and I’ll send her on her way?”
> To OP “I screwed up and scheduled this pressing confidential
matter with these two. Do you mind if we all eat dinner
together? After dinner I’ll need to talk to them privately. I’m
sorry you took the drive for a bit of a rushed visit but I’ll
make it up to you”.
--- End Quote ---
then the OP wouldn't be so steamed. I get it.
I've been in pretty much the identical situation more than once,
and what made all the difference was in how the person handled
it.
Even so, this is a good friend, so unless what you want is to be
mad at her, then I repeat my advice to let it go unless it gets
to be a frequent thing, in which case talk to her about how it
makes you feel. Give her a chance to succeed.
[/quote]
Gellchom, why are you insisting on fabricating things that
didn't happen? I have stated quite clearly that I know, due to
conversations/communication both before and after this event,
that there was nothing unusual or confidential happening that
evening. The circumstances truly were as I outlined them.
It's always possible that she was kidnapped by aliens and forced
to cancel dinner, or in the middle of a bank heist, too, when
she texted me -- but that is not what happened. I laid out the
facts -- facts, not supposition -- and asked for opinion here
based on the factual happenings, not imaginary scenarios.
Please do me the courtesy of taking me at my word.
[/quote]
I do agree that we should take the OP at their word! The OP is
there, we are not! Although it is nice to give the "perp" the
benefit of the doubt, we need to trust what the OP tells us.
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