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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 33047--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 18, 2019, 4:25 pm
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Good example of how sometimes it's HOW you handle something more
than what you're doing.
We've all been in this situation many times, I bet, probably on
both sides. So we all get that it's super annoying and
inconvenient for the person in the OP's position, but we all
understand that it happens sometimes and it's not malicious.
I know that when I am in the OP's position (as I was twice in
the last month with friends who double booked), it makes a HUGE
difference whether the person apologizes well as opposed to
flipping it -- and my time -- off. The worst is when they add,
"You don't mind, do you?" That's definitely a bridge too far.
Ask for forgiveness, not absolution, otherwise you are trying to
get your friend not just to forgive your mistake, but to tell
you that their time and convenience are meaningless.
Best is to apologize in a way that acknowledges that they are
inconvenienced and that you regret not being able to enjoy their
company, and reschedule ASAP. And if you goofed majorly double
booking for something that's a really big deal -- like, their
wedding -- send flowers!
#Post#: 33073--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Aleko
Date: June 19, 2019, 1:21 am
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I agree with Lilac on the possibility of overload; I suspect
we've all occasionally made bad decisions and sent
less-than-ideally-tactful messages on finding that we've fouled
up on our social obligations on account of being in an
already-stressed/distressed state. One would have hoped that the
day afterwards she would have offered an apology, but maybe she
just lacks the emotional energy to address her foul-up? That
happens, too.
#Post#: 33087--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Lkdrymom
Date: June 19, 2019, 5:58 am
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A lot of good answers here. If this is a one off let it go.
But I sure understand the sting of it not only being at the last
minute after you did so much prep work, but to also act as if it
was no big deal. I basically cut contact with a friend who has
done this to me too many times. She called me and asked if I had
time to get together to talk. It had been so long since we did
that and I was really looking forward to it. I had an
obligation in the morning but could be there mid afternoon which
she agreed on. I rushed through my morning obligation even
though I was actually enjoying myself. I get in my car and text
my friend for her street number as she recently moved and I
basically knew where she lived but not exactly. As I am driving
out there I get a text saying she is not feeling well and wants
to cancel. I just keep driving home. I did not answer her text
or ask how she was. She did this to me so many times I
seriously doubt she was sick and if she was why wait until I was
on my way, why not tell me earlier as to not inconvenience me.
Knowing her as I do something better came alone.
My father also did similar things like this. He'd want to meet
me for lunch. He did not understand that I only got 30 minutes
for lunch so I would have to take vacation time for the 2 hour
lunch he wanted. I would also have to shift my work load.
Can't tell you how many times he would call me the day before to
tell me one of my cousins was coming to visit so he needed to
reschedule. Once I did ask him why we just all couldn't go. He
was put on the spot so I did end up going but you could tell he
was not happy. Me being there took the total focus off of him.
Now he wonders why I don't spent my every free moment visiting
him.
#Post#: 33233--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Penelope2017
Date: June 22, 2019, 5:26 am
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I wonder if you could have suggested you at least drop off what
you had spent time gathering and preparing for her even though
dinner was off? Since you are not always in the area, you were
minutes away and you had already done the work - it would have
made that part not a waste of your time as well as shown her you
had actually put a lot of thought into the visit. Maybe give her
some perspective for the future.
#Post#: 33234--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Effie
Date: June 22, 2019, 5:49 am
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--- Quote from: Penelope2017 link ---
>
> I wonder if you could have suggested you at least drop off
what you had spent time gathering and preparing for her even
though dinner was off? Since you are not always in the area, you
were minutes away and you had already done the work - it would
have made that part not a waste of your time as well as shown
her you had actually put a lot of thought into the visit. Maybe
give her some perspective for the future.
>
--- End Quote ---
Not the OP, but I sure wouldn't have been in the mood to reward
someone for their poor behavior, no matter how 'convenient' it
was for me.
#Post#: 33241--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: June 22, 2019, 9:35 am
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plus she may not have been home.
And it was probably a bit of trip to the friend's house and
back, and even 15 minutes one day is 30 minutes two days, and
I'd just go home.
I'm with Gellchom--I get the sometimes we just have brainfarts.
But it's the way you handle it that makes a difference in the
damage it does.
#Post#: 33279--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: June 23, 2019, 12:17 am
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I think it was pretty inconsiderate and hurtful, especially
given she didn't even bother to apologise.
OP, was your friend aware that you were doing all this prep work
for her? If so, I think that makes it doubly rude to cancel so
brusquely like that.
#Post#: 33298--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: June 23, 2019, 1:56 pm
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I just double planned a whole week!
I made lunch dates and appointments, forgetting that I had jury
duty all week. So I had to contact everyone to reschedule.
Luckily the friends I had lunch plans with are able to meet me
for lunch at a place near the courthouse, so we won’t have to
reschedule the date, although we won’t have the option of going
long.
I made sure to be very apologetic about the inconvenience.
#Post#: 33304--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: OnyxBird
Date: June 23, 2019, 4:04 pm
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I totally understand why this hurts and was inconvenient.
However, I think you're (understandably) focused on what you
know from your end of the situation and perhaps not considering
what the same event looks like from her side.
From what you described:
1. The setup for this visit, as you described it, sounded very
casual to me. You were going to be there for other purposes
regardless of whether you visited her or not; you asked her if
it would be ok to drop by (i.e., you sort of invited yourself to
her house, which is often fine and reasonable between friends,
but (A) probably increases the chances of accidental
double-booking and (B) already veers outside the standard
etiquette of invitations), and the suggested activities (buying
a pizza, catching up, and seeing her renovations) all sound like
pretty casual, non-time-sensitive stuff.
--- Quote from: Lilac link ---
>
> Thank you. I'm not angry or losing sleep over it. I just
would've done things differently had I known -- for example I
spent time Friday evening potting up plants from my garden that
she wanted, and took time earlier, after work, to stop at a
store, select and purchase a thoughtful card, then write in it
and wrap a small retirement gift I had previously obtained (she
is retiring on the proceeds of her husband's life insurance plus
the survivor pension.)
>
> That combined was several hours at the end of a long work day
when i would rather have had my feet up watching a movie. Plus
I would have provided something for myself for dinner that
night. ;D
>
> My friend doesn't cancel often but she does seem more and more
inclined the last few years to defer to this couple and to
another one nearby -- than to get together with old friends like
me. Maybe the relationship has just run its course.
>
--- End Quote ---
2. Unless you mentioned to her that you were planning to bring
her plants and a gift, she likely has no idea that you put in
this much preparation for the visit (again, it sounds like it
was suggested as "I'm going to be here anyway--can I drop by
since it's convenient"). It's very reasonably frustrating on
your end, but not really fair to hold it against her for making
your effort wasted if she thought you were simply going to swing
by while you were in her neighborhood.
3. It sounds like she's gone through a lot recently, and her
in-town friends and neighbors may very well be a major part of
her support system through this. That doesn't mean they're more
important than you and her other out-of-town friends, but it may
play a role in why she prioritizes spending time with them even
though she already sees them frequently. E.g., when things are
rough, (A) sometimes routine is very important for helping you
keep going and (B) sometimes it's more helpful to be able to sit
down and vent to or lean on someone who already understands the
nitty-gritty details of what's been going on because they've
been there with you throughout than to catch someone else up on
the background. If so, that doesn't necessarily mean your
relationship has run its course or that she'll never want to sit
down with you and fill you in, just that the distance inherently
puts you in a different role in her network and support system
right now.
--- Quote from: Lilac link ---
>
> Oh well, as I said I would not dream of mentioning it; it's
not as if she has nothing else on her mind these days. I just
feel bad that a routine hamburger with the neighbors trumps one
of our rare visits when I was literally within minutes of
arriving.
>
--- End Quote ---
IMO, the short notice seems like the rudest part of canceling,
and it should have been obvious that giving you such short
notice could have screwed up your plans even though you weren't
coming to town just to see her.
The reason I quoted this, though, was your description of your
visit as "rare." You said you see her every couple of months and
email multiple times a week, which honestly just doesn't seem
all that rare to me. One of my current closest friends lives
clear across the country and I see her once a year--that I'd
consider rare visits, and we do carve out time and prioritize
that visit (on the flip side, our visits are never framed as a
casual drop-by when we're in the area, due to the distance).
Another friend from college lives in my own state--I love seeing
her when the opportunity arises, but I still don't see her
anywhere near as often as every couple of months. I can see why
you might think of it as rare compared to her neighbors who she
sees often, but I think it would be equally reasonable for your
friend to view these visits as happening pretty often, so even
though this visit got missed due to accidental double-booking,
it'll only be another month or two before you guys can arrange
something else.
#Post#: 33305--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Contrarian
Date: June 23, 2019, 4:22 pm
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I wouldn’t have the nerve to cancel 15 minutes before a thing.
Cancelations are fine if given enough time but it’s just too
late at 15 minutes.
At that point you start dealing with the double booking
happening and try to merge. Apologize to both parties and ask to
merge or see what they suggest.
Everyone should cut her some slack for being overwhelmed. But
15 minutes before an event is not a reasonable time to cancel
without an emergency.
That’s my only issue with all of this.
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