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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 32993--------------------------------------------------
S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Lilac
Date: June 17, 2019, 12:35 pm
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Something happened this weekend that reminded me of "derailing
dinner reservation" and thought I would throw it out there.
I preface by saying that while it did hurt my feelings, I am not
going to say anything, or hold a grudge, or lose sleep, etc.
Background: My oldest friend. "Betty," (we've known one
another more than 30 years, through lots of ups and downs) was
widowed somehwat unexpectedly a few months ago in her mid-50s.
She is doing well -- in some ways it is an unexpected release
from a rough 15-year marriage, though she feels bad for her late
husband due to the suffering he had during his illness. She's
going full steam ahead remaking her life and home.
We currently live about 35 miles apart and while we only see on
another every couple of months, we e-mail multiple times a week
and are up to speed on one another's lives, schedules,
relatives, other friends, comings & goings, etc.
I had occasion to be in her neck of the woods on Saturday to do
something for an elderly relative. I asked if it were OK if I
stopped by afterward, maybe we could get a pizza or something,
and I could see some renovations she's made since her husband's
death. She said "sure! pizza sounds good" and I said it would
be about 4pm; she agreed. That day I loaded my car with odds
and ends for her -- we swap a lot of gardening supplies, books,
etc. -- and hustled through my other obligations. I was looking
forward to relaxing, visiting and eating with her before heading
home.
At about 3:45 I got a text "Forgot that I'm having dinner with
Karen and Phil tonight -- look forward to seeing you another
time."
Karen and Phil are her next-door neighbors, whom I have met a
number of times over the years. Most recently at the funeral.
Ennough that we know one another by name and chat independently
at BBQs and so forth. They are laid-back, casual, pleasant
people.
Upon reading the text I was taken aback. For one, she can dine
outwith them any time (and often does; they frequent a
diner/family restaurant near their home a couple of times a
week.) I am sure they would understand if she had to cancel due
to double-booking.
Second -- as I packed up my car and started a drive home,
wondering what to stop and get for dinner, it kind of dawned on
me: Couldn't she have invited me to join them at the diner?
It's not like I am a total stranger to K & P, nor were they
going anywhere fancy -- just a half mile from their homes, and
about three miles from where I was when the text came in.
It kind of stings that neither of the above solutions occurred
to her. Am chalking it up to her being in sensory overload with
so much recently happened / going on in her life. She has not
reached out to reschedule although we have e-mailed briefly
about other odds and ends "sale on boxwood at Hansens," that
sort of thing. I've not been motivated to reschedule even
though I'll be out that way again in a couple of weeks.
Just curious if anyone thinks that in the case of a
double-booking, maybe the person who is furthest from home /
seldom seen should be asked to join in? I am familiar with the
etiquette axiom that one should honor the first invitation one
receives, but does this apply for casual non-hosted gatherings
with friends?
#Post#: 32994--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: June 17, 2019, 12:45 pm
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Maybe she didn't feel like she could invite you last minute?
We've all seen posts here (and in previous incarnations of the
forum) where someone gets upset if a guest brings an uninvited
guest, *or* tries to change the event to something else.
I don't blame you for being hurt, it's not very nice to cancel
plans at the last minute.
#Post#: 32995--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: JeanFromBNA
Date: June 17, 2019, 1:13 pm
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I'd give her a pass if she rarely cancels plans. We all forget
appointments, and have to call or write apologies. There may be
any number of reasons why she can't cancel on them or invite
you.
Since you're close, you could always email her with the
information that you would have been glad to join them if this
happens in the future.
#Post#: 32996--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: blueyzca
Date: June 17, 2019, 1:14 pm
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I very much agree that the original invitation should be
honored…but consider this:
a.
like she should honor that obligation, hoping you’d understand
and reschedule.
b.
first time this has happened, can’t you just let it go?
Everyone messes up sometimes.
I will say that she could have told you about dinner with K & P
and asked them if they minded if you joined them, but again, I’d
have to know which invitation was issued first.
This reminds me of something that happened to me about 15 years
ago. I had plans with “Debbie” for Saturday night and my friend
“Laura” called Saturday afternoon asking if I’d like to join her
and a friend for a pro hockey game. I explained that I already
had plans with Debbie, and Laura said, “Well, I do actually have
two extra tickets, bring Debbie along.” I called Debbie,
explained the sudden offer and she happily agreed to change our
plans (which really weren’t plans per se, it was more “Let’s do
something Saturday night.”) and go with the group to the hockey
game.
And cherry on the top, The Philadelphia Flyers beat the LA
Kings. In LA.
#Post#: 32997--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Lilac
Date: June 17, 2019, 1:20 pm
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Thank you. I'm not angry or losing sleep over it. I just
would've done things differently had I known -- for example I
spent time Friday evening potting up plants from my garden that
she wanted, and took time earlier, after work, to stop at a
store, select and purchase a thoughtful card, then write in it
and wrap a small retirement gift I had previously obtained (she
is retiring on the proceeds of her husband's life insurance plus
the survivor pension.)
That combined was several hours at the end of a long work day
when i would rather have had my feet up watching a movie. Plus
I would have provided something for myself for dinner that
night. ;D
My friend doesn't cancel often but she does seem more and more
inclined the last few years to defer to this couple and to
another one nearby -- than to get together with old friends like
me. Maybe the relationship has just run its course.
#Post#: 32998--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: CamelliaHouse
Date: June 17, 2019, 1:21 pm
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Sorry to hear that this happened to you, Lilac. I'm inclined to
agree with the other comments here - this sounds like it was an
awkward one-off situation and the best thing is to try and
forget about it.
That being said, your friend messaged you 15 mins before your
planned meeting time. Seeing as you were driving from another
location, I think this was quite rude. Where I live, it's
illegal to text and drive - therefore I'd be unlikely to see
friend's message before I actually arrived at her house!
#Post#: 32999--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: NyaChan
Date: June 17, 2019, 1:27 pm
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I think it’s the casualness of her message that makes it feel so
bad. I have a bad memory and have double booked myself more
than once this year. But I feel horrible about it! I apologize
profusely and immediately try to set up an alternative get
together. I then apologize again when we actually have that get
together. Here, she acted like it didn’t matter at all and
that’s where she really messes up in my opinion. I can
understand a mistake, but not a lack of awareness that the
mistake affects people other than oneself.
#Post#: 33002--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Lilac
Date: June 17, 2019, 3:33 pm
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Yes, I think you both make good points. I very nearly did not
see the message -- the phone was in my purse in the car and I
only really looked at it because I was fishing my keys out of my
purse after finishing up the yard work at my relative's house.
I just as easily could've driven over there and showed up at the
agreed-upon times.
And the message was pretty curt from someone who is usually
effusive and warm. No real apology or attempt to offer
alternatives. Coming from someone who has referred to me as her
"best friend" many times over the years, when she knew I was
having a hectic day, it just seemed sort of thoughtless.
Oh well, as I said I would not dream of mentioning it; it's not
as if she has nothing else on her mind these days. I just feel
bad that a routine hamburger with the neighbors trumps one of
our rare visits when I was literally within minutes of arriving.
#Post#: 33014--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: Dazi
Date: June 17, 2019, 7:02 pm
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I'm a pretty laid back person, but this would have cheesed me
off. I don't check my messages when I'm driving and I'd likely
not have seen it before arriving on our agreed upon time.
To me it would have been better to either cancel with the
neighbors it explain the situation to them and see if they'd
like to invite you along.
#Post#: 33042--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O of Derailing Reservation: Cancel on me for others....
DIR By: lisastitch
Date: June 18, 2019, 3:55 pm
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Yes, this would have bugged me--not enough to break up the
friendship, but enough that I wouldn't put in the effort of
pulling things together before seeing her. It does seem as if
she could have checked with the other couple to see about
including you.
Having said that . . . if she has recently and unexpectedly lost
her husband, and is in the process of retiring, a lot of her
brainpower is going to dealing with everything that has to be
handled there, which leaves her with less brainpower to come up
with alternatives.
My best friend lost her husband a few years ago. It was totally
expected, but it always comes as a shock, and we talked about
how hard it was for her to focus on something and stay on track.
I can see something like this happening.
I agree with a previous poster that it's worth telling her, "So
sorry plans didn't work out! I'd enjoy seeing [other couple] if
anything like this happens again."
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