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#Post#: 41010--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: Winterlight Date: October 24, 2019, 11:28 pm
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Hope things all go well!
#Post#: 41033--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: Chez Miriam Date: October 25, 2019, 10:05 am
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Hope it all goes beautifully, and you have a wonderful day!
#Post#: 41047--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: Jem Date: October 25, 2019, 12:53 pm
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[quote author=lisastitch link=topic=1190.msg40989#msg40989
date=1571949751]
Trimming the quote tree a little to focus on this. I agree that
someone should not be judged for moving forward. At the same
time, other people had their own relationships with the dead
person, and are grieving in their own time and way. The
widow/widower moving forward "forces" the rest of the family to
move forward in a way that they may not be ready for/comfortable
with. I know two men who lost their wives and then remarried,
and it was very hard on their grown children. (In one case it
has worked out very well, and the daughter I know best posted a
beautiful tribute on Mother's Day on Facebook, being grateful
for "two wonderful mothers".)
[/quote]
Of course everyone grieves differently but I don't think it is
fair to expect a widow or widower to be alone based on someone
else's arbitrary timeline (which may be that someone else thinks
the widow or widower should NEVER have another romantic
relationship at all). I personally think it is selfish that an
adult child would not want their living parent to be happy,
including finding love again. After the funeral, everyone aside
from the widow or widower got to go home with their significant
other. Everyone else got to lean on their significant other in
their grief, and everyone else got to go about their lives
celebrating their joys with their SOs. I think it is only
natural that a widow or widower would seek another significant
other at some point.
#Post#: 41105--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: cabbagegirl Date: October 26, 2019, 5:34 pm
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[quote author=lisastitch link=topic=1190.msg40989#msg40989
date=1571949751]
It sounds as if you're fine with your dad moving forward, and if
your grandparents are so toxic, I can understand why he doesn't
want to get into this with his former parents-in-law. I will
judge him for putting you in a difficult position.
[/quote]
This, exactly. We're very happy he found love again. Speaking
for myself, it's just that our grandparents are so toxic that
while I get why he did what he did, he is making us be in a
situation where we have to bold-faced lie to our grandparents
because he's...scared of them, I guess? Or he just doesn't want
to deal with them wanting to meet her when he knows how toxic
and judgey they are to almost everyone. Whatever the case may
be, it's really cruddy to make us bear the burden of it, because
they do ask after him and ask, "What's he doing? Is he seeing
anyone?" I'm not cool with having to be evasive or outright lie.
I'll let violinp share the actual details when she's ready, but
the wedding was so lovely, and I'm pumped to finally have a
brother(-in-law).
#Post#: 41133--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: HenrysMom Date: October 27, 2019, 3:03 pm
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Just posting for an update - they must be married by now, so I
guess we shouldn’t hold our breaths.
#Post#: 41312--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: cabbagegirl Date: October 31, 2019, 3:07 pm
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[quote author=HenrysMom link=topic=1190.msg41133#msg41133
date=1572206626]
Just posting for an update - they must be married by now, so I
guess we shouldn’t hold our breaths.
[/quote]
violinp and Double Bass are on their honeymoon - I'm sure she'll
do an update when they're back.
#Post#: 41340--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: Hanna Date: November 1, 2019, 1:16 pm
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[quote author=cabbagegirl link=topic=1190.msg41105#msg41105
date=1572129246]
[quote author=lisastitch link=topic=1190.msg40989#msg40989
date=1571949751]
It sounds as if you're fine with your dad moving forward, and if
your grandparents are so toxic, I can understand why he doesn't
want to get into this with his former parents-in-law. I will
judge him for putting you in a difficult position.
[/quote]
This, exactly. We're very happy he found love again. Speaking
for myself, it's just that our grandparents are so toxic that
while I get why he did what he did, he is making us be in a
situation where we have to bold-faced lie to our grandparents
because he's...scared of them, I guess? Or he just doesn't want
to deal with them wanting to meet her when he knows how toxic
and judgey they are to almost everyone. Whatever the case may
be, it's really cruddy to make us bear the burden of it, because
they do ask after him and ask, "What's he doing? Is he seeing
anyone?" I'm not cool with having to be evasive or outright lie.
I'll let violinp share the actual details when she's ready, but
the wedding was so lovely, and I'm pumped to finally have a
brother(-in-law).
[/quote]
Triangulation. It's so very difficult to be in the middle of
two people you care about.
But it's hard for me to blame him at all. It's your right to be
in touch with these toxic people and to attempt to stay on good
terms with them. It's also fair of him to say he doesn't want
you sharing details about his life with them. I believe we all
have that right to privacy.
Would it be easier for you if he cut them off completely or if
he told them "I got married" himself? I suspect you would you
would still have to listen to them ask about him and/or complain
about his choices- because they are toxic.
I actually think it's a kindness of him to maintain limited
contact with them and limiting the information they about him
now seems the only way to do that. For me, that's often a
better choice than "I don't want to see you or have you know
anything about my life".
"As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all
persons."
#Post#: 41342--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: chigger Date: November 1, 2019, 3:35 pm
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I think it is really crummy that your father puts you in a
position like this! Next time the GP ask, i think I would tell
them. If they become nasty, then none of you really have to put
up with it. You can easily put them limited contact; contact on
your own terms.
#Post#: 41864--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: violinp Date: November 12, 2019, 5:25 pm
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Hey, everyone!
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you all; Double Bass and
I went on our honeymoon, and then real life once we came back
got super busy!
Here's my update: Gran and Gramps elected not to come, because
of my Gramps' health - it would have been too much strain on his
heart as well as the rest of his body, to try and travel on a
plane to me, never mind all the stress of the wedding. I
honestly was relieved...and then felt bad that I was relieved,
which confused the heck out of Double Bass, because he has never
had any problem cutting toxic people out of his life. I
explained to him that it was kinda like my dreams of a happy
family, as well as everyone being there, finally and really
died. My mom, obviously, wasn't there, most of the family I'd
invited ended up not coming for either health or travel
reasons...for a moment there, it really, really sucked, because
the wedding I had envisioned in my head since I was a kid was
never gonna happen.
I cried, Double Bass comforted me, and then we kinda moved on
from that. The wedding day ended up being wonderful, despite it
being 46 degrees and pouring rain outside when we did our
outdoor shots. The Mass went off with only one hitch (the server
forgot to put the program in Father's book for the Mass and he
stalled out for a second, but recovered beautifully), and the
reception was great. Double Bass made a wonderful speech about
how grateful he was for me and my love and trust in him, how he
was grateful to his parents for how they raised him, and he did
a sweet tribute to my dad and mom that...honestly made me bawl.
Double Bass is not a "feelings in public" person, so I know it
was hard for him, but it was so wonderful.
We ended up using punch for the quaich, and it went off fine.
I'm sure no one would have cared if we'd had booze, but if I
drink spirits, I make a face like my mouth turned inside out, so
it was probably better just to have punch and avoid the awkward
photos in 20 years.
As to my dad's marriage and not telling Gran and Gramps...*sigh*
Double Bass (and frankly I) think it's ridiculous to hide that
from them as though my dad's wife and marriage are something
shameful - which, honestly, even though Dad doesn't think that,
that's what it looks as though he's showing by his secrecy.
There is nothing to be gained by hiding something that big...but
if we told Gran and Gramps now, they would be furious at me for
straight up lying to them for multiple years, no matter if I was
told to or not. And my relationship with my grandparents affects
my relationship with my uncles as well - I worry I would never
see them again if that blew up. Regardless of whether that's
just of them or not, that's the situation. And that's kinda
getting beyond etiquette into studying toxic family dynamics and
whatnot.
The important things are that I'm now Mrs. Double Bass, that our
wedding wasn't a disaster, and that everyone behaved themselves
or stayed home. I'm glad that I married into a family (at least,
Double Bass' immediate family) that understands familial abuse
and trauma, and is there for me to help me understand and
process and realize I'm not a worthless toerag who everyone
resents having around. When everyone else had left, and it was
just Double Bass, his family, and me breaking everything
down...I realized for the first time what family was supposed to
be like. I mean, yes, I had good times with my sister and
parents, but there was always the threat of someone blowing up
because I said or did the wrong thing. My mom folded towels *at*
me when she was mad (she learned some very toxic behaviors from
her parents, unfortunately).
#Post#: 41878--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49, 68)
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: November 12, 2019, 8:15 pm
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It sounds like you found your safe harbor after being on a
stormy sea for years, and for that, I am very glad for you.
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