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#Post#: 40188--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: Chez Miriam Date: October 11, 2019, 6:42 am
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Thanks so much for the update, violinp - it all makes so much
more sense.
I don't do lying for other people*, so I can totally understand
how uncomfortable that must make you feel, and why you don't
want to be a part of it. Yeah, I could see myself thinking such
behaviour to be 'childish'; I'm sorry I 'took you to task' about
that. :-[
I really like the idea of your painted skulls as
Hallowe'en/Goth/Memento Mori combo - thanks for explaining. And
I love the memorial table for your mum.
Hope you have a wonderful time!!!
* I don't do lying for me, so I don't see why I should do it so
someone else can avoid the consequences of their actions!
#Post#: 40192--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: TootsNYC Date: October 11, 2019, 9:11 am
---------------------------------------------------------
the other part about lying in your dad's situation is that it's
a clear signal that there IS something that it's appropriate to
be angry/upset about. That there IS something to be ashamed of
in what you're lying about.
#Post#: 40195--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: Hmmm Date: October 11, 2019, 9:19 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I just still don't understand the family dynamics around your
grandparents. If your GF is abusive, why care what he thinks. If
they are abusive, withholding information is not a bigger
violation than them abusing people. That IS what he deserves and
what your GM deserves for allowing his abuse to continue.
And not sharing information about things that are of no
consequence to them is exactly how you and your family should
think of information as it relates to your father and his
choices. So what if he was married to your mom for 20 or so
years. He has no relationship with them now. His marital status
is of no consequence to them. How does it impact their lives?
Honestly, I think it shows poor on your father that he'd rather
exclude his wife from the event then let the news of his
remarriage out to his former inlaws.
#Post#: 40689--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: violinp Date: October 18, 2019, 8:51 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1190.msg40195#msg40195
date=1570803579]
I just still don't understand the family dynamics around your
grandparents. If your GF is abusive, why care what he thinks. If
they are abusive, withholding information is not a bigger
violation than them abusing people. That IS what he deserves and
what your GM deserves for allowing his abuse to continue.
And not sharing information about things that are of no
consequence to them is exactly how you and your family should
think of information as it relates to your father and his
choices. So what if he was married to your mom for 20 or so
years. He has no relationship with them now. His marital status
is of no consequence to them. How does it impact their lives?
Honestly, I think it shows poor on your father that he'd rather
exclude his wife from the event then let the news of his
remarriage out to his former inlaws.
[/quote]
I kinda resent the idea that my dad has no relationship to his
late wife's parents, especially considering he had two kids with
my mom. It's certainly not a *happy* relationship, but if you
can just dump without feeling people you've seen at least twice
a year (and usually once a month since Cabbage and I were 15
until we were in our mid - 20's) for nearly 25 years...well, I
just could not be that kind of person. Also, they still have
feelings of affection toward to him - they're twisted because
Gran and Gramps aren't good people, but they still care about
their only son - in - law. In my opinion, it's cruel to go to
radio silence on them and then force Cabbage and me to straight
up lie to them because he doesn't want the fallout.
Believe me, I despise the lies. But I'm not willing to deal with
the fallout from both my dad and my grandparents for telling
about my dad's wife.
Double Bass honestly wants me to go Cut Direct on my
grandparents - he did with a whole section of his family who are
racist criminals - but I'm not ready to pull that trigger yet.
Decisions affect more than me - my sister would get a barrage
from them about that, and my uncles would feel torn over whether
to support their big sister's daughter or their own parents. I'm
willing to keep a frosty relationship with them for the present
to keep the peace, especially because from what my grandma told
me of my grandpa's condition, he's not likely to live another
year. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't killed himself with
drinking before now. :'(
In happier...ish news, my dress is being fitted! It came in and
the top was too big, so we had to get it altered (at quite a
pretty penny, but), and it will be ready on Monday! I can hardly
wait to be Mrs. Double Bass!
#Post#: 40824--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: Gellchom Date: October 21, 2019, 2:59 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=violinp link=topic=1190.msg40689#msg40689
date=1571449909]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1190.msg40195#msg40195
date=1570803579]
I just still don't understand the family dynamics around your
grandparents. If your GF is abusive, why care what he thinks. If
they are abusive, withholding information is not a bigger
violation than them abusing people. That IS what he deserves and
what your GM deserves for allowing his abuse to continue.
And not sharing information about things that are of no
consequence to them is exactly how you and your family should
think of information as it relates to your father and his
choices. So what if he was married to your mom for 20 or so
years. He has no relationship with them now. His marital status
is of no consequence to them. How does it impact their lives?
Honestly, I think it shows poor on your father that he'd rather
exclude his wife from the event then let the news of his
remarriage out to his former inlaws.
[/quote]
I kinda resent the idea that my dad has no relationship to his
late wife's parents, especially considering he had two kids with
my mom. It's certainly not a *happy* relationship, but if you
can just dump without feeling people you've seen at least twice
a year (and usually once a month since Cabbage and I were 15
until we were in our mid - 20's) for nearly 25 years...well, I
just could not be that kind of person. Also, they still have
feelings of affection toward to him - they're twisted because
Gran and Gramps aren't good people, but they still care about
their only son - in - law. In my opinion, it's cruel to go to
radio silence on them and then force Cabbage and me to straight
up lie to them because he doesn't want the fallout.
Believe me, I despise the lies. But I'm not willing to deal with
the fallout from both my dad and my grandparents for telling
about my dad's wife.
Double Bass honestly wants me to go Cut Direct on my
grandparents - he did with a whole section of his family who are
racist criminals - but I'm not ready to pull that trigger yet.
Decisions affect more than me - my sister would get a barrage
from them about that, and my uncles would feel torn over whether
to support their big sister's daughter or their own parents. I'm
willing to keep a frosty relationship with them for the present
to keep the peace, especially because from what my grandma told
me of my grandpa's condition, he's not likely to live another
year. I'm honestly surprised he hasn't killed himself with
drinking before now. :'(
In happier...ish news, my dress is being fitted! It came in and
the top was too big, so we had to get it altered (at quite a
pretty penny, but), and it will be ready on Monday! I can hardly
wait to be Mrs. Double Bass!
[/quote]
My heart goes out to you. I don't know if your family
appreciates what you go through to take the high road, as you
see it, but they should.
Great to have that lovely dress to make you smile! Remind us
when the wedding will be.
#Post#: 40899--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: cabbagegirl Date: October 23, 2019, 7:15 am
---------------------------------------------------------
The wedding is this Saturday! We're all super excited!
#Post#: 40906--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: Jem Date: October 23, 2019, 9:56 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=violinp link=topic=1190.msg40689#msg40689
date=1571449909]
I kinda resent the idea that my dad has no relationship to his
late wife's parents, especially considering he had two kids with
my mom. It's certainly not a *happy* relationship, but if you
can just dump without feeling people you've seen at least twice
a year (and usually once a month since Cabbage and I were 15
until we were in our mid - 20's) for nearly 25 years...well, I
just could not be that kind of person. Also, they still have
feelings of affection toward to him - they're twisted because
Gran and Gramps aren't good people, but they still care about
their only son - in - law. In my opinion, it's cruel to go to
radio silence on them and then force Cabbage and me to straight
up lie to them because he doesn't want the fallout.
Believe me, I despise the lies. But I'm not willing to deal with
the fallout from both my dad and my grandparents for telling
about my dad's wife.
[/quote]
Congrats on the upcoming wedding!
I agree that your dad would have a relationship with your late
mom's parents. What I don't understand is why your grandparents
would begrudge your dad moving forward with another
relationship. Is it simply the age of the new wife? The fact she
is Jewish(???)? Or is it that he has moved on to someone other
than your mom?
I have very strong feelings that it is short-sighted and cruel
to look down on someone who has suffered the loss of a spouse
for moving forward and finding love again. It says nothing about
the love the living spouse had for the one who has died. It
simply means that the living spouse is, in fact, LIVING and
deserves to pursue and enjoy love again. Much like having a
second child does not diminish the love a mother or father has
for the first born, a widow/ers heart expands to also love a new
spouse without negating or diminishing the relationship with the
first.
#Post#: 40950--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: Tea Drinker Date: October 23, 2019, 8:48 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=1190.msg40906#msg40906
date=1571842603]
[quote author=violinp link=topic=1190.msg40689#msg40689
date=1571449909]
I kinda resent the idea that my dad has no relationship to his
late wife's parents, especially considering he had two kids with
my mom. It's certainly not a *happy* relationship, but if you
can just dump without feeling people you've seen at least twice
a year (and usually once a month since Cabbage and I were 15
until we were in our mid - 20's) for nearly 25 years...well, I
just could not be that kind of person. Also, they still have
feelings of affection toward to him - they're twisted because
Gran and Gramps aren't good people, but they still care about
their only son - in - law. In my opinion, it's cruel to go to
radio silence on them and then force Cabbage and me to straight
up lie to them because he doesn't want the fallout.
Believe me, I despise the lies. But I'm not willing to deal with
the fallout from both my dad and my grandparents for telling
about my dad's wife.
[/quote]
Congrats on the upcoming wedding!
I agree that your dad would have a relationship with your late
mom's parents. What I don't understand is why your grandparents
would begrudge your dad moving forward with another
relationship. Is it simply the age of the new wife? The fact she
is Jewish(???)? Or is it that he has moved on to someone other
than your mom?
I have very strong feelings that it is short-sighted and cruel
to look down on someone who has suffered the loss of a spouse
for moving forward and finding love again. It says nothing about
the love the living spouse had for the one who has died. It
simply means that the living spouse is, in fact, LIVING and
deserves to pursue and enjoy love again. Much like having a
second child does not diminish the love a mother or father has
for the first born, a widow/ers heart expands to also love a new
spouse without negating or diminishing the relationship with the
first.
[/quote]
I read somewhere that, in fact, widows and widowers are more
likely to marry again if the first marriage was happy; the
article suggested that this was because they associated being
married with happiness, rather than thinking of it as a burden.
#Post#: 40989--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: lisastitch Date: October 24, 2019, 3:42 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=1190.msg40906#msg40906
date=1571842603]
[quote author=violinp link=topic=1190.msg40689#msg40689
date=1571449909]
I kinda resent the idea that my dad has no relationship to his
late wife's parents, especially considering he had two kids with
my mom. It's certainly not a *happy* relationship, but if you
can just dump without feeling people you've seen at least twice
a year (and usually once a month since Cabbage and I were 15
until we were in our mid - 20's) for nearly 25 years...well, I
just could not be that kind of person. Also, they still have
feelings of affection toward to him - they're twisted because
Gran and Gramps aren't good people, but they still care about
their only son - in - law. In my opinion, it's cruel to go to
radio silence on them and then force Cabbage and me to straight
up lie to them because he doesn't want the fallout.
Believe me, I despise the lies. But I'm not willing to deal with
the fallout from both my dad and my grandparents for telling
about my dad's wife.
[/quote]
I have very strong feelings that it is short-sighted and cruel
to look down on someone who has suffered the loss of a spouse
for moving forward and finding love again. It says nothing about
the love the living spouse had for the one who has died. It
simply means that the living spouse is, in fact, LIVING and
deserves to pursue and enjoy love again. Much like having a
second child does not diminish the love a mother or father has
for the first born, a widow/ers heart expands to also love a new
spouse without negating or diminishing the relationship with the
first.
[/quote]
Trimming the quote tree a little to focus on this. I agree that
someone should not be judged for moving forward. At the same
time, other people had their own relationships with the dead
person, and are grieving in their own time and way. The
widow/widower moving forward "forces" the rest of the family to
move forward in a way that they may not be ready for/comfortable
with. I know two men who lost their wives and then remarried,
and it was very hard on their grown children. (In one case it
has worked out very well, and the daughter I know best posted a
beautiful tribute on Mother's Day on Facebook, being grateful
for "two wonderful mothers".)
It sounds as if you're fine with your dad moving forward, and if
your grandparents are so toxic, I can understand why he doesn't
want to get into this with his former parents-in-law. I will
judge him for putting you in a difficult position.
#Post#: 40995--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
By: jpcher Date: October 24, 2019, 4:10 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=cabbagegirl link=topic=1190.msg40899#msg40899
date=1571832941]
The wedding is this Saturday! We're all super excited!
[/quote]
Hope your wedding turns out to be as wonderful as you imagine it
to be! (Sans the drama.)
Congratulations, best wishes, and all that . . . excited for
you! ;D
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