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#Post#: 37472--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39)
By: collakat Date: August 26, 2019, 6:44 am
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I first like your post (Well done for standing up to them!). And
then I saw the push back that you predicted. I'm sorry for that.
I do hope you have a wonderful time up to the wedding, that it
is special. Hugs
#Post#: 37476--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39)
By: Rose Red Date: August 26, 2019, 7:22 am
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I know you don't want to hear this and hopefully I'll be wrong,
but I think if you invite your grandfather, he and all his
enablers (the biggest one is your gran) will ruin your wedding.
Your uncles came right out and say he *will* act out because
that's the way he his so accept it.
#Post#: 37492--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39)
By: Twik Date: August 26, 2019, 9:29 am
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Sigh. That's not the "way Lutherans are" either.
My current minister is Lutheran (even though I'm not - long
story), and she'd never treat other faiths this way.
#Post#: 37502--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39)
By: Aleko Date: August 26, 2019, 10:33 am
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[quote]And, as much as he's right...I still feel bad for making
them mad at me, and for disrupting the peace. Does that make
sense?[/quote]
Totally. I'm sure everybody here will get that. Just don't let
this 100% natural feeling get the bettor of you.
[quote]And now Double Bass has his own family drama to deal
with. His parents nearly had a hissy over having skull table
decorations and almost threatened not to come to the reception.
Of all the childish things...at least we're bonding over
boneheaded family.[/quote]
Of course I've no way of knowing how OTT the hissy fit was, or
how foolishly expressed, but I have to say that skull table
decorations at a wedding reception would at least disconcert, if
not outright upset, a lot of conventionally-minded people. Are
these decorations really important enough to you and Double Bass
to risk making your guests uncomfortable?
#Post#: 37518--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39)
By: lakey Date: August 26, 2019, 12:23 pm
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First, don't feel bad about disrupting the peace. It isn't you,
it's them.
Second, I'm not sure how large your wedding will be, but if
possible, I would have Gramps seated as far away from you as
possible for the ceremony and the dinner so that you are less
likely to hear whatever comes out of his mouth.
Third, don't listen to your uncles. You are an adult. If you
change your religion, that is your right. There is no
justification for Gramps being rude at your wedding.
These people need to understand that if they continue down this
path, you will probably lessen your contact with them. If they
want to have a relationship with you and your new family,
including any children that you may have, they need to learn to
play nice.
Have a nice wedding. Keep in mind that no wedding is perfect.
There are always little glitches, so even if Gramps makes a
couple of comments, ignore him and enjoy yourself. The world is
full of happy couples who've managed to get through their
wedding with at least one alcoholic or misbehaving relative. The
chances that neither the bride or groom has a jerk in their
family is slim.
#Post#: 37526--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help...
By: lisastitch Date: August 26, 2019, 3:42 pm
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[quote author=violinp link=topic=1190.msg37461#msg37461
date=1566784063]
well, your grandpa is Lutheran, so you have to expect that kind
of talk from him
[/quote]
No. Just no.
I've been Lutheran my entire adult life; my husband is born and
bred Lutheran. Our kids were raised Lutheran. Our son is now
non-denominational. While we (privately, between the two of us)
disagree with the church asking him to be re-baptized, it is
MUCH more important to us that he is a Christian again. If our
daughter were to convert to Catholicism, we'd be enormously
surprised, but again, glad that she was finding a faith path
that worked for her.
So, no, you do not need to expect that kind of talk from
Lutherans!
Good luck with your wedding and the possible drama!
#Post#: 37582--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help...
By: jpcher Date: August 27, 2019, 4:40 pm
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[quote author=violinp link=topic=1190.msg37461#msg37461
date=1566784063]
And now Double Bass has his own family drama to deal with. His
parents nearly had a hissy over having skull table decorations
and almost threatened not to come to the reception. Of all the
childish things...at least we're bonding over boneheaded family.
[/quote]
Whoa! Are you my Niece? While the rest of the family drama
doesn't fit with my family, my Niece is getting married on
Halloween (2 months away ;)) and will have skulls, skeletons,
spider webs and all that decorating the reception hall.
In my opinion, that's all in fun. I honestly don't know what
religion Niece and Fiancee follow, and I'm pretty sure that
everybody invited knows her/him well enough to understand that
this is the way they flow.
However, from your OP:
[quote author=violinp link=topic=1190.msg32851#msg32851
date=1560466459]
Grandpa is a Lutheran pastor, and was furious I converted,
saying I now serve Satan.
[/quote]
I'm thinking that skulls on the table will most definitely bring
an outburst from your grandfather, redefining that you serve
Satan, and will (probably) denounce you and all of yours in a
very public way. From what you posted, I don't think that
anybody would be able to stop him from his preaching moment.
Do you really want that at your wedding?
[quote author=violinp link=topic=1190.msg37461#msg37461
date=1566784063]
If my grandparents come, my dad will come, but not bring his
wife. If they don't come...Dad and his wife will both come. To
be perfectly honest, I would prefer my dad and his wife both
over my crazy grandparents,
[/quote]
This really makes me sad.
All I can give you is (((HUGS))) at this point. Since the
grandparents were already invited, you can't really rescind the
invitation. Or can you? Since you feel (how sure are you about
this feeling?) that you will be cut off anyway?
#Post#: 37671--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39)
By: Chez Miriam Date: August 29, 2019, 8:32 am
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I think I would disinvite my grandparents, if it meant my dad
not bringing his wife to my wedding [assuming you get on OK with
her, and her non-attendance wouldn't be a "bonus"].
I would like, gently, to take exception to your description of
your dad as "childish" for not telling your grandparents he was
dating/has married again: from what you've described of your
grandparents, I can't imagine your dad having any relationship
other than a very strained one, and if all three of them aren't
close, it's really none of his former in-laws business whether
he dates/marries or not, surely?
Do the grandparents know, yet, about your stepmother? I would
be sorely tempted to mention "Dad is bringing his young(er),
Jewish, bride" just after I tell them about the skull* table
decorations, and if that provoked an almighty flounce from the
g'parents, well 'so be it'. But that's just me at 53 no longer
worrying about appreasing the unreasonable. :-\
You are not in the wrong, and people who go out of their way to
make you feel that way are in the wrong, violinp, so please pay
them no need.
* I'm guessing it's a Hallowe'en theme? Not some form of
Catholicism I'm not aware of...
#Post#: 38928--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39)
By: bopper Date: September 19, 2019, 1:41 pm
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[quote]And now Double Bass has his own family drama to deal
with. His parents nearly had a hissy over having skull table
decorations and almost threatened not to come to the reception.
Of all the childish things...at least we're bonding over
boneheaded family.[/quote]
Put everyone on an information diet about the wedding plans...
If someone threatens not to come...you say "Sorry to hear that,
we'll miss you."
#Post#: 40168--------------------------------------------------
Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39)
By: violinp Date: October 10, 2019, 7:53 pm
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Soooo... an update!
I know I spent a long time away, but wedding stuff, plus work
has made things super hectic! We're 16 days away, and I'm so
excited to be Mrs. Double Bass! ...I mean, I'll still be violinp
on here, but you know what I mean, lol
So, an update on the invite situation: My grandparents are not
coming. My grandfather is still too ill from his pacemaker
surgery to travel that long, and he can't walk or stand for more
than a couple of minutes without needing to sit. It would be
pure torture for him. While I'm sad my grandma can't come, I'm
secretly glad they don't have an opportunity to make my wedding
day more stressful than I'm sure it will already be. Gran has
yet to ask about her sister and BIL being invited, so I'm sure
I'm safe on that score.
My MIL has calmed down considerably on the topic of the skulls -
I think she was just stressing out over the wedding and just
freaked at that particular moment. My PIL are genuinely good and
wonderful people - my MIL just gets weird about things she
percieves as "dark."
[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1190.msg37671#msg37671
date=1567085560]
I think I would disinvite my grandparents, if it meant my dad
not bringing his wife to my wedding [assuming you get on OK with
her, and her non-attendance wouldn't be a "bonus"].
I would like, gently, to take exception to your description of
your dad as "childish" for not telling your grandparents he was
dating/has married again: from what you've described of your
grandparents, I can't imagine your dad having any relationship
other than a very strained one, and if all three of them aren't
close, it's really none of his former in-laws business whether
he dates/marries or not, surely?
Do the grandparents know, yet, about your stepmother? I would
be sorely tempted to mention "Dad is bringing his young(er),
Jewish, bride" just after I tell them about the skull* table
decorations, and if that provoked an almighty flounce from the
g'parents, well 'so be it'. But that's just me at 53 no longer
worrying about appreasing the unreasonable. :-\
You are not in the wrong, and people who go out of their way to
make you feel that way are in the wrong, violinp, so please pay
them no need.
* I'm guessing it's a Hallowe'en theme? Not some form of
Catholicism I'm not aware of...
[/quote]
About my dad's wife: No, they do not know. He has no intention
of telling them. I would be...kinda okay with this if he hadn't:
1.) demanded my silence. I should not feel obligated to lie for
you because you don't want your late wife's parents knowing
you're with someone else.
2.) lied to his now - wife's dad and brother about their
relationship for multiple *years* (her mother knew and didn't
tell her husband) because my dad's wife is my age. When they did
find out, they were understandably upset. I can understand
wanting to be delicate, because of the massive age gap (nearly
40 years age difference), but my dad went to holiday functions
with them! It's all patched up now, thank goodness.
I do have a good, although not close, relationship with my dad's
wife. We haven't actually gotten to sit down together and talk
just as a family because she and Dad live several states away
and are terribly busy, and Cabbage lives in a separate state
from them and us (the first time we all met, no joke, was Dad's
wedding earlier this year). She would come, but my uncles will
be at the wedding, and since they will tell my grandparents, and
Dad refuses to be honest with them...yeah. It just stinks.
And finding out about my dad's wife would make them mad at me,
because I lied for Dad. And, honestly...they at least deserve
honesty, after knowing him for a little over 30 years. They may
be abusive jerks, but lying to avoid their wrath just delays the
inevitable, and can mean the secret gets blabbed at a really bad
time, and then that's a huuuuge can of worms.
Vis a vis skulls: It is because we're Gothy (well, Double Bass
is more punk, but) and because it's close to Halloween, but it's
also a call for us to "memento mori" to remember that we will
die - so live a good and holy life because we might die and meet
our Maker (not wanting to get into a religious discussion in
this thread beyond how religion doesn't allow you to be a jerk
or disregard basic manners and charity). Also painted skulls are
awesome. ;D We're also having a remembrance table for my mom
with her bridal portrait and her wedding shoes (I would have
worn her shoes, but my mom wore a size 9 and I'm a size 4.5 in
kids! :P )
Thank all of your for your input and advice! It has truly been
invaluable.
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